|Reviews for One Way to Get Out of Gym|
| sheila.bundy chapter 18 . 5/2/2013
Thank you for posting this-I really enjoyed reading it.
| happypenguin01 chapter 1 . 10/17/2012
I usually stick to romance stories, but your mystery story captured my interest and made me eagerly flip through chapters to find out what really happened. It was really suspenseful, and I liked how the readers learned things as Charley did. It kept me engaged and involved in the story. I was actually really surprised by the ending. Somehow I thought it would be Tallulah (but that just might be because I don't like her very much). I really enjoyed reading this!
| Brand chapter 18 . 12/9/2011
Well done. A bit of closure concerning the aftermath of Berts capture would have been interesting, but isnt a necessity.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 18 . 5/25/2011
The ending, I have to admit, feels a little bit rushed. It also jumps at the end from the office to Charley walking his dog - maybe have a scene break there or something? If you do come to edit this, maybe you can hint at the bond between Tallulah and Charley earlier on a bit more? I always thought Charley found her a bit annoying, and the bit about him doing anything for her, here, feels a little random to me. I would love to see an edited version of this - I really enjoyed reading it, it made me laugh a few times and was written quite well. Great stuff.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 17 . 5/22/2011
Nice chapter, although I would have expected Bert to put up a bit more of a fight when he was talking to Charley; maybe seem more nervous, too, when he goes into his room? Also, I would have liked to see more reaction from Charley here. Instead of [That must have been the ID card that Charley found in Richard's room.] why not have him respond to Bert? Say, "yeah, I saw it in his room" or something? The same with [ also explained why Cat never called him back the many times he had tried to reach her.], maybe "That's why she never called me back, isn't it?" More two way dialogue between the two could really flesh it out, i think.
I really liked the end scene; it was quite striking, with the image of the mother and son at the end. Great job with that.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 16 . 5/19/2011
Charley's a bit slow in this chapter, was that intentional? I guessed from Richard's incoherant rambling that he was tyring to say Bertram. Hmm, I have a new theory; maybe Richard was trying to kill Jack for some reason, Bertram caught him and tried to stop him but was too later...I dunno, but you're good at keeping the reader guessing. There is one suggestion I'd make; far as I remember, Charley wasn't 100% sure he was poisioned, so maybe change the line [but the dip was strange—the dip had been poisoned, had made him vomit.] to "but the dip was strange-it had made him vomit, had it been poisioned?" Just a suggestion. I'll read the last two chapters tsoon, and look forward to doing so.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 15 . 5/15/2011
I think I've said it before, but it just feels like this is going over the same information that's been gone through before. Can I suggest maybe making the different characters a bit more solid? If you give the people Charley interviews just a bit more personality, it may stop it feeling so repetitive. As for the ending, it's interesting, and my feeling is that Richard has now woken up and is ready to talk to Charley?
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 14 . 5/2/2011
Hm, I feel like Charley is, sometimes, a little too free with the information he gives out. I would have assumed there'd be some secrecy clause at the agency, as well as that he's potentially putting his family and friends at risk by giving them so many details. I also feel that it's not always needed; the information Dorothy (who I love as a character, by the way) gives about the murder doesn't shed any new light on it. It just repeats a lot about what we already know.
Other than that, it is, as always, a very enjoyable read which is keeping me guessing at every turn. I'm now wondering if someone maybe poisoned Charlie - Cat, perhaps? I'll be reading more soon!
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 13 . 4/6/2011
Nice chapter, although like I said before I still feel that the pace moves a bit too quickly in some places, mainly when it changes from one place to another, I feel like, as a reader, we're kind of thrown in.
I'm wondering, now, if it's one of Cat's kids who did it...hm...
I feel like sometimes Charley is either too soft or too harsh; at the moment, it feels a little bit inconsistant. I think there either needs to be a steady balence between the two, or he needs to do one or the other. But that's mainly just a suggestion so feel free to ignore it.
I'm enjoying the story, and as always I'm really eager to see what happens next, and find out who killed him! Great stuff.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 12 . 3/2/2011
Hmm interesting, I like the dream sequence - I think the dream-logic worked well there, so good job on that. I don't know - I still feel like some of this could be padded out a little, at the moment it just feels like it moves quite quick. I really have no clue who the murderer is - I would say Cat, but that seems too obvious.
I liked the end scene; it was quite vivid, but I don't fully understand why he's suddenly OK with the rain...maybe expand on it and his emotions a bit more?
Good stuff; will be reading more soon as I can.
| Morine chapter 12 . 1/24/2011
OH MY GOSH, I LOVE YOU. THIS PART- I LOVE YOU. I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU.
IT'S ALWAYS THE ANIMAL. I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY- IT'S ALWAYS THE PET. OH MY GOSH, I TOTALLY CALLED THIS ONE. BWAH HA HAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. CLINT'S AN AXE MURDERER.
"It was just about the scariest thing he had ever seen—demon dog with sports-equipment teeth."-That image is pretty darn scary. Not gonna lie.
Okay, I know you made it seem like a dream, but I know that's really what happened in this story. Clint did it, the end.
I think Cat's going to be his best lead (duh). But I do also know that Cat will just lead Charley back to Clint. Why waste his time when the murderer lives in his own house?
| Morine chapter 11 . 1/24/2011
"A few teachers were scattered on the gym's fringes, standing awkwardly—except for Principal Patel, who wore a big smile on his face as he bopped up and down to the music."- Oh, gosh. That image *shivers*.
I like the name Ophelia better, so I totally understand why she would tell Charley a fake name. But she seems sad and I feel bad for her :(. Sitting all alone at the dance- PLEASE DON'T MAKE HER THE MURDERER. JUST BECAUSE SHE HAS ANOTHER NAME DOESN'T MEAN SHE'S A MURDERER.
Bertram...strange name. Perhaps a suspect? Wait- this chapter came in after you wrote the story, so never mind, Bertram didn't do it.
I liked this chapter a lot, but the parts with Principal Patel dancing scarred me...for life.
| Morine chapter 10 . 1/24/2011
Okay, so while getting to the next chapter, I saw that the epilogue was posted, and I just want to say that I'm terrible sorry for abandoning reading this story for so long. Anyway, onto reading.
I don't think it was a teacher. I think that Charley should stop wasting his time with these teachers.
"She's gone crazy, Charley concluded."- I think that she's always been crazy, but that may just be me.
"She had a pathetic look on her face, like someone had shot her dog (or beaten her kid into a coma)."- I like that line. Witty, but I wouldn't let someone have my son's ID.
"Charley found it interesting that under Richard's bed there were fourteen of the very objects that led to him being beaten into a coma."- Maybe change "interesting" into "ironic"?
So many characters in this chapter, or maybe not, I don't know. Anyway, I really like this chapter. But I do feel bad for Tallulah. She just wants her son back :(.
| Morine chapter 9 . 1/24/2011
Woah, okay it's been a long time since I read this story. Let's see what I remember. There was a murder.
Okay. Now, onto reading so I can figure out who the murder was.
2:48, you see that would be funny, but since school gets out at 4:09, it's so sad that I'm able to relate to the awkward end of the day time.
I find it a little creepy that Principal Patel knows where/what Veronica's last class is. That may just be me, but it seems a little too close for comfort.
HAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- The name of his award made me giggle.
"And is your team co-ed?"
"Yeah. We have girls and guys."
...That's what co-ed is...
"Oh, they like him. He's popular. I mean no one wanted to cross his path. He sometimes, like, you know, beat kids. But that's just one side. He was my lab partner in chem class this year, and he would always have me laughing. This is the first year we had classes together." If they had lab together how was this the first year they had classes together? Unless you don't consider lab a class...
Dance? School...dance...like a prom? We all know how proms usually end...;)
Aw, I liked this chapter. The Tomato thing at the end was a little weird for my liking, but I understand why it's in the story.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 11 . 1/24/2011
I liked that chapter, although I feel like you could have padded it out with a bit more descrption - what's the hall like? What sort of music is playing? What are the kids dressed in etc. Just some ideas to maybe slow the pace down a bit.
[Her bangs were long and jet-black, covering one of her eyes, while the other eye had black makeup all around it. Her lips were lined in black, too. Juxtaposed to her hair and makeup, she had pale white skin. Though Charley had never used the term before, he knew that this style was classified as "emo."] Something about this makes me feel a bit, I dunno, it just sounds awkward, especially the 'emo' bit at the end. Maybe something like "Charley had never used the term before, but with her long, jet-black bangs covering one of her eyes, and thick black make-up around the other, he guessed this girl would be considered 'emo'. Black lined her lips and the darkness of her hair contrasted with her pale skin." Just an idea. Also, part of me feels like the very last bit isn't needed, maybe? I'd suggest cutting the it at the end of the dance and include the part about him trying out for the team at the start of the next chapter?