Reviews for Escapism
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 9/20/2010
This is the required review from the competition. :)

I like the child-like language you use throughout the piece, as it creates the illusion of innocence, being completely peaceful in this world when by oneself, and then shows the reader the reasons why the world isn't perfect, and there'll always be that creeping sense of dread at the edge of every paradise, that everyone else might find and ruin it. Lovely sense of creepiness there!

About the beginning. It feels like you're forcing yourself to come up with compliments for this landscape you're painting, and therefore you're simply telling us, not showing. It sounds a little forced and repetitive. If you cut the opening paragraph down by half, I think the opening of the story would be better.

After the beginning, however, the flow really settled down. You seemed to relax now that the big description part was out of the way and the story reflected that, with a much easier-to-read feel and softer, more subtle emotions, which I prefer.

I felt this was a good length for a piece such as this, as to have anymore would have made it drag on a bit too much. You round it off nicely at the end, and as the repetition of the 'it is mine' idea was subtle enough for it to make a good impact. In this case subtle is good.

I had a nice sense of connection with the character, even though I first perceived him as female. I think it would be better, however, if you went more with the feeling of wanting to be alone in this paradise and not wanting to share with others, rather than bullying or social interactions. The first gives the character a mysterious feel, while the later makes him a little too real.

One mistake I saw, and one sentence I think could flow in an easier way if worded differently:

"humaity" - Should be 'humanity'.

"I want to live my own way. In my own world. Away from the violence and hatred and forced niceness of 'reality'." - I think this would sound better as just one sentence: 'I want to live my own way, in my own world, away from the violence and hatred and forced niceness of society'. I do, however, think this delivers one of the strongest messages in the piece, as it's easily relatable and we've all felt like this and one time or another. It's also a very correct view of the world.
Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
Wow. It described the act of escapism very well.