|Reviews for Flucker|
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 10/23/2010
["You are my coffee coffee cigarette," he tells me.] Addiction? If so, interesting way of wording it.
["But it's the thought, right? You think, therefore you are, therefore I must be."
"Huh."] Probably my favorite lines. I love the twisting of the famous quote, and the answer of "huh" is so perfect with the mood of the piece.
[hair blowing on his wind.] Nice.
[New-in-town mammal, lost sealion jungle.] I love the was the word "mammal" reduces the person so much. I'm not really getting the image of sealion, though, though I'm sure it has its purpose.
[And he shrugged here, tugged there,
wanted to hug bare.] Second-favorite line. Stunning rhythm/rhyme.
[on the inside of this plastic container.] Hm. Not quite wrapping my mind around this image. Maybe you're going for the idea of storing something away, but the literal image is so odd that I'm losing the effect.
[his blind sexy bastard laughing] Nice change of tone.
All right, that's all I'm going to pick apart, I promise. Damn, Dee, how do you come up with these things?
Brilliant piece as always. I think that goes without saying by now. I think the repetition is what really makes it. The images are all over the place, so that really ties it together. The "coffee coffee cigarette/cigarette cigarette coffee" thing is neat. Didn't even notice that until the second time. And I like how you go back to the repeated image of "killing" not only in the exact repetition, but also in the line [we are not human being sweethearts,/we are killers.]
~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 9/15/2010
As is always the case with you, your wording is exquisite. I've come across plenty of ways to phrase a sentence on this site but yours always have this extra bite to them.
This piece easily captures the complexity (irony much?) of an unusual relationship with contradicting emotions. The last stanza, 'blood beneath our flipflops',strikes me as violently beautiful.
'Bee-yoo-tee-full' - I also love the empasis on the accent here :)
Good luck in the contest!
| Manifest-Destiny-x X chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
This is a brilliantly powerful piece! I love the phrasing of your combined words (lungchest, ribheart, stopstart), but I think that they would function better as kennings (which basically means hyphenated), like you did with tight-lipped and straightjacket-faced. The last stanza is so striking that it kind of took my breath away. I was left with a beautiful, empty and chilling feeling in my head. Very impressive!
| MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 9/13/2010
The best bit starts with the title, of course. it's crafty. I like it. Like the rest of the poem, it makes you do a double take to strain your eyes out and re-read the word you have just read because it reads something, seems something else and means something entirely different. There are a series of mixed images and sensations surrounding 'him'. Love the pun.
Via the roadhouse
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
The whole time I was reading this I couldn't STOP reading it. :) The passion in the language is wonderful. If ever a poem could be a pageturner, I'd say this one was! I love the voice of it because it seems like they just feel everything fully, no hiding. Just brutal honesty.
"Because his middle name is Samson and he was bastard child./Great lover, great bedder, great mightier his pen is./ And he knows this, too./ And he knows I know this, too."
This is probably my favorite part of the poem. It shows the relationship well, it's entertaining, and just all-around great writing, in my opinion. :)
Great job on this! Good luck with WCC!
| Wounded-Petals chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
This was a very good piece. I love the vague descriptions in it that seem to explain everything in it and your choice of words are great as well. You show that there are different degrees of writing and that no one author writes the same.
| lianoid chapter 1 . 9/9/2010
Oh, god, Dee. Your writing is always way above my head amazing. I adore this piece to death. It's just so... you. Ha-ha. Lame, I'm so horrible. Let's try this again.
This opening stanza was wonderful. It definitely pulled me into the piece and I loved the tone. The fourth line, "So I am killing him, I am" had an awesome tone to it, as well, and I especially love the "He is killing, he is" that comes later in this piece. Both lines just have a wicked vibe to it that suits this piece beautifully.
The second stanza, with words like "lungchest" and "ribheart" was fucking brilliant. Gawd, I love it when you do stuff like that. The sixth line in this stanza is my favourite. I especially like the "great mightier his pen is" bit. At first, the wording threw me off, but upon second reading, I really dig it.
The, "And I'm all tight-lipped and straightjacket-faced/hair blowing on his wind" part was another part I thought were amazing. I especially like it because you say "his wind". Makes me think he's blowing a lot of hot air, or something. Maybe I'm not getting it; either way, I like it.
"And my middle name is Eve; I was first whorewoman."
-Love eht. Probably my favourite line in this piece, seriously.
I adored the subtle rhyme in the ninth stanza, and the "He's a siren who can't sing" line was another close-to-favourite part.
This piece is definitely over my head, taken as a whole, but no matter; I love it anyway. This piece has such a great rhythm to it, and I love the creativity I can always expect in your writing. Excellent, excellent job with this piece, Dee, and best of luck in this month's WCC. (Rhyme? :D)
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
I like how you put some key words in bold- it really made them stick out and made the piece seem more in-your-face. Not that it wasn't already, but even more so.
In fact, this entire piece and everything about it (the formatting, the dialog, the word choice) just seemed to hit the ground running and take off. Very intense and edge of the action.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
You are the mistress of the pun, Dee. You can take a pun, and totally make it your bitch in like, every single thing you write, XD. I never even thought of pun use before I started reading your stuff, and now I see it everywhere. Your poetry is ALWAYS so clever. Seriously, I fawn over this and you just wrote it in like, what, a half an hour? I don't even care, it's still amazing! Hahaha.
I really liked the focus on the body, like, you kept it very physical and also emotional of course, but the different attention to the innards, like "lungchest" and "ribheart" was just radical! Favorite pun was "pen is", I'm pretty sure, hahaha. It made me look twice, actually!
Loved the image of the hair blowing in the wind and the extraction of the middle names of both characters. The dialogue was just rich and awesome. Loved the choice of present tense and then a slip briefly into past, the story you tell is just so gritty!
Because I was raise by animals.
-Edit: "raise" should be "raised"...I think
That last stanza just sent me shivers. Such a powerful image with the flipflops. Man. Wow. Yeah, I think I'm going to favorite this, XD. Ah, I can't even believe that you wrote this in such little time last minute, but then I like, played witness to it on the SkyOT, XD. Out of this world Dee! You put so many poets to shame, XD. Best of luck in this month's WCC, I'm so glad that you decided to contribute a piece!
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
Lots and lots of sex. Everywhere. Full-on sex. Nonstop sex.
Your wordplay improves with every single poem I read, though. So hats off to you on that one - improvement is the sign of a good poet.
I noticed one mistake (maybe - I think it's just a typo): "Because I was RAISE by animals."
The repetition of the "You are my coffee coffee cigarette" really helps characterize the male figure in this poem. He seems dumb - almost in the sense of a big football player - and he does have a really awesome metaphor, which is often "extended."
I also love the double entendre "mightier his pen is." I have to wonder how you come up with something this clever every single time.
One more down, and... in excess of seventy chapters to go. :)