|Reviews for Sand and Tears|
| written-tragedies chapter 12 . 6/5/2013
As much as I would love and be delighted to post a review at the end of each chapter, I couldn't. All because I wanted to see what happens next.
Haha! I have this weird love-hate bipolar relationship with your story. I love the whole thing, really. It was well-made and each chapter was in-depth BUT your ending is did not satisfy my needs. Just kidding. I don't really want to sadden you. Can you please make an epilogue or an aftermath? Pretty pretty please? You don't wanna cliffhang all your readers here right? *grins*
Anywaay, I swear on my life that if you expanded this more, got an agent, pleased a publisher just like you did to me/us, readers, and got a fancy editor, this would make a great book.
P.S. You've got some grammatical mistakes on some chapters, I'm sorry if I can't recall where exactly but here; Your "your" was supposed to be a "you're". If you're a bit confused about that "your" and "you're", try this tip. When I'm writing and get confused about this too, I try separating the "you're" and test it with the sentence. Then compare it with "your". Ex. You are eating You're eating. Not using "your", because the thought itself would be wrong. Get it? *smiles* Or maybe it was just a typographical, I'm not sure how you did it but, at least I told you my tip, right? I'll be waiting for the epilogue!
| avidmoonstar chapter 12 . 10/1/2012
No reunion between Holly and Kimberely? I think that would be a sweet ending, although the current one is pretty good itself. I don't know why your stories don't have more reviews, they are absolutely amazing. I don't know what else to say except, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it and can't wait to get to your other stories!
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 1 . 3/6/2012
I know you warned about the foul language in the beginning author's note, but I kinda liked how you used it and how often it popped up. I thought it helped set the tone of everything, especially with how hot-headed the main protagonist (Holly) is. Some of the stuff she said, especially to the girls she was leading through the desert, made me want to laugh - it's always nice seeing Barbie girls put into their places.
I noticed throughout the narrative that sometimes things became a bit too cluttered and you would repeat yourself, which made the narrative somewhat drag in parts. This can be easily fixed with a quick edit/read through. Let me see if I can find an example so you know what to look for...
[Her face bore features softer than those of the plastic women behind her, and even with the dirt on her cheeks, and lengthy scar on the left side of her face, she was a decidedly more elegant creature than those behind her.]
Right here you say 'behind her' twice. The second one can be removed since the reader will already get the impression that she's still thinking about the girls following her. I suggest dropping off the 'than those behind her'.
Also, I noticed some places where the narration got a little wordy, let me find another example...
[Cars lay in ruins, and vaguely recognizable pieces of structure still smoldered [however many years] after the disaster [that] had cleansed this land.]
Be careful of overusing pronouns, like 'that' most specifically. They tend to lead to word dumps. Also, as a suggestion you might want to make 'however many years' just 'long' - both get the same impression across, and if you ask me, 'long after' sounds a lot more menacing than 'however many years after', and since this is a post-apocalyptic world and you're talking about the calamity leading up to it, I think you want things to be more dark and menacing:
"Cars lay in ruins, and vaguely recognizable piece of structure still smoldered long after the disaster had cleansed this land."
These are all just suggestions, of course.
Oh, I forgot to mention, I love how she calls her guns 'Mr. M1911'. I thought that was a great quirk to add to her character and personality, because it gives the impression her weapons are just as important to her as other people - and this says a lot. I really like that little addition - sometimes something so small and simple can really add a lot to the tone of the story. -
I hope you found this review helpful!
| SeinenReader chapter 12 . 2/13/2012
I feel like a dick cause I am finally reviewing again... But if its any thing I have to say its this. Fucking Excellent Story! I must congratulate you on such a Beutifully told,(for lack of a better word) tale of a mothers' journey through an unwanted existence. Your story at one point drew me in so far that I shed tears. My only regret from this story is not knowing if Holly continued her job or if you as the author of such a grand ending wished to resurect it or possibly make a sequel? Well since I spent a night unable to stop reading; I'm going to leave this review at this and drop some type of review on the previous chapters,(possibly pertaining to that particular chapter). Favorite story on this site so far 10/10.
| SeinenReader chapter 1 . 2/13/2012
Pretty good start so far. I can already tell Holly is going to have similarities to Revy from your fanfics, not that thats a bad thing... just a analysis of your style. Also; not trying to question your writing, but in any apocalypse why has the fertile wetlands of the north east moutains become desert lands?
| Beee chapter 12 . 6/9/2011
This story is better than I originally thought it was going to be! It is well written and I love it! I'm SO happy that Becca ended up being Kim, hopefully Holly can learn to love again :)
| Talia O'Collins chapter 12 . 2/3/2011
Very fun! As messed up as the idea is, that's wicked why they wanted Becca. Makes it even easier to root for Holly killing them (not that I wasn't captain of that cheer-leading team anyway)
And the ending worked, I mean yes its kinda expected, I was wondering if that's who Becca was when she first showed up, but it works. Kinda sweet that her daughter saved her in the end.
All in all I enjoyed the story, the characters were pretty fleshed out, and you did a good job giving just enough detail on the location but not so much that you got bogged down by it and allowed the reader to make up some of it on their own.
Good job! _
| Talia O'Collins chapter 10 . 1/31/2011
Very interesting, and I can't wait for more. You had me there a couple chapters ago, I was afraid you were going to turn Holly into a softy but you didn't! It makes her scars and personality that much more believable. And truth be told I like her that way, the tunnel vision to get her job done, the absolute focus she has. And the way you fleshed her out, her reason for doing it, all fits together beautifully.
You may be building up to it but I'd like to know how/what happened to cause all of this, or maybe just have the characters not know and speculate?
| Bisepadi chapter 2 . 1/17/2011
Damn! Why the fuck did I check the chapter count! Now that I know there's only 10 more chapters, I'm afraid to read any further. (kicks a puppy)...(runs over to it and kicks it again) Just started on this fic and I must say, nice touch on the whole 'women are quickly becoming an endangered species' gig. Took a tired ol' plot line and made it ur own. I admire that. Reserving Final Judgement-insert appropriate sound effects here-for when I'm done, but so far its both thumbs up and full steam ahead! :-D (long distance high five!...no?...OK then...)
| Elizabeth K chapter 1 . 12/12/2010
I really don't understand how you flunked creative writing. This is really good.
And you earned extra points from me for posting this on my birthday!
I just thought I should tell you that lol.
| Comicguy262010 chapter 1 . 10/28/2010
Wow not a bad start bro,Sorry it took so long to get around to reading this story. Been busy and haven't had the time to give it the proper concentraition it deserves. Reminded me alot of Black Lagoon,But from what i can tell thats your favorite anime so its a given you would put some character styles from it in your story's. Well to start off i never been into the whole post apocalyptic waste land stories,but i really enjoyed your first chapter and intend to read the rest of it. But i won't be reviewing every chapter cause i hate typing and suck with wording so yeah. But it seems to me you should of set up the how and who a little more,just seemed a little to short to me. But im also a fan of long chapter and having alot of details in the story,so i might be biased in my openion. Besides that great chapter and look forward to the next one,keep up the great work and ill keep reading it.
| Mary Cate chapter 12 . 9/9/2010
I loved your story. The characters all felt genuine, the dialogue was natural, and you managed to describe without being pretentious (like a lot of authors here) or boring (like the rest of the authors here). :]
I love post-apocalyptic type stories, and this was definitely a good one. I like how it wasn't all "OMG ZOMBIES" (though I assume that's what the "night walkers" were?)
All in all, I'd give it a 9/10 (The ending a bit cliche, although you built up to it well - I'll take that as a sign that you're a good writer.)