|Reviews for Arranged|
| Ptronille chapter 5 . 11/11/2010
Well well well ! I just realized I hadn't left a review for this chapter, though I did read it.
Now, my comments :
- the chapter is longer ! :) That's good, it helps draw the reader in more.
- I'm curious as to whom Eiliana will marry. Is it the dragon ? Oo (Don't tell me, I like surprises )
- I'm also curious about the first choice for the king's wife, the one who rejected him. I'd like to know more about her.
- the descriptions are a little more detailed (or so it seems to me), but I believe they still lack something. What I usually do when I describe is picture the five senses : what does she see, hear, smell, feel (/touch), taste ? Your descriptions would be more personal to one character if you included the last three. Again, just my two cents !
- there is also (so far) very little place for secondary characters. I hope we will see more of them. For example, where does the maid come from, how old is she, what kind of family does she have, that kind of things. Same goes for Ser Funlun and Thomas. But I think you told me last time you aimed at secrecy and suspens for now, so it's okay. Just take care not to lose your reader's interest in the characters by trying to keep them guessing.
That's it for now. I'll be waiting for the next chapter ;) !
| Ptronille chapter 4 . 9/11/2010
Well, the story seems intriguing so far, so I'll wait for updates. However, the style is quite... matter-of-fact. I can't exactly feel the links between the paragraphs. Which is, I think, the cause for the missing atmosphere I talked about earlier.
Also, about the prince's coronation (I don't know if that's that exactly, but well), the reader only realizes it is told from a particular character's point of view after a few lines, which, to my mind, spoils the effect a little. Perhaps you should mention that the old man is in the crowd, feeling -I don't know, anticipant, worried, excited, whatever he is actually feeling- so the reader will understand better and expect to read his reaction. Perhaps a few words more about his companion, for example, something which would not give away the suspens but which would serve as a magnet to the reader by enhancing it. For example, how long they have been traveling together or something like that?
Well. That's only my two cents.
I'm sorry if that is offensive to you. I assure you it is not my intent to cause any harm, but as FictionPress says, "A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader can give"... I don't know if my critique is well-rounded, but please believe it is given with heartfelt sincerity and respect towards a writer's work.
Anyway, I hope I'll receive an Alert message in my mailbox soon ! ;)
See you !
| Ptronille chapter 3 . 9/11/2010
Well, in this chapter, there are more feelings, which is good. Perhaps develop on it a bit more.
About the dragon, perhaps you should put a graphical separation between "And the rain came in torrents" and the beginning of the dragon part, so that the reader can feel the impact of the rain reflecting Liana's mood.
| Ptronille chapter 2 . 9/11/2010
Interesting beginning, though I hardly know what the last part ("Six months earlier") has to do with anything...
If I had any advice to give you, it would be to lenghten the descriptions. Your chapter is okay, right now, but I, as a reader, do not feel any real atmosphere, nor can I picture the castle in my mind. I would advise you to emphasize on, maybe, Eiliana's feelings about the castle, her hideaway, her maid; which would give her more depth, and which would be a good pretext to actually describe the surroundings. How does she feel about her life? Is she happy to live as she is in the castle or does she chafe at her restraints? Does she like her maid, merely appreciate her or is she the closest thing she had to a best friend? Is she allowed wherever she wants in the castle? Etc.
Well, going to see the rest, now. ;)
| Ptronille chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
Fun beginning, I'll admit.
A little short, perhaps, but apparently, it's more the prologue kind of chapter, so it's okay...
I'll read the rest and let you know what I think ;)
| Wendy Thompson135th chapter 2 . 9/10/2010
I looked at the first two chapters. I think the story is too choppy. Short prologues, short chapters, short present, then short past ~~there's nothing to concentrate on.