|Reviews for Origami|
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 9/20/2010
This is the required review from the competition. :)
I liked how we saw things from the girl's perspective and then the teacher's, causing us to see the beauty and uniqueness in something that is simple and has been done before. I liked that part of the message. I didn't agree with the statement that if you go into something with a plan then you'll have a better chance of reaching an end product you're happy with though. Taking writing for example, I usually lose interest in a story when I have the plot mapped out. I write so that I can be just as surprised as the people who read my work, when something new surfaces.
I could identify with the main character, because she seems to share the view that going into something without a plan, while sometimes frustrating, can surprise us in exciting ways. I also am terrible at origami. :P
The dialogue only seemed off in one place, and that was when the teacher said, "I wouldn't say that they don't have a plan though, and are doing whatever." It seemed to me here that both characters were following the same thought process of 'not having a plan'. What I mean is, that I think you should change the teacher's wording, as it makes it seem as if they've had a talk about what they're planning to say beforehand. Not easily predicated, but a shared phrase, that feels unnatural.
The pace is really well done. I don't find the story is being rushed or going too slowly, and I like the feeling of order that you show in going through the list of people from one point of view and then going through them with another. I don't know if you meant to have the double meaning or not, but the order sets off the discipline of origami really well.
I only saw one mistake, so well done with the proof-reading. :) "whole thing, unplanned" - The comma isn't needed.
| sakuuya chapter 1 . 9/14/2010
First, Bola's right about the commas. Commas are tricky buggers, though, so the best advice I can give you without dissecting your story is to say your writing out loud and only put commas in where you'd put a pause in normal speech.
Aside from that, my biggest issue with this story is that it reads more like a lesson about origami than a narrative. Your POV character is so uninformed that she comes across like a kid in a PSA who has to have "drugs are bad" explained to him. Not every story needs to have a big narrative arc, but I think it would have helped you to flesh out your main character.
| McGonagall's Bola chapter 1 . 9/12/2010
M. Your writing certainly isn't bad, but I feel like this story isn't...finished in a way. You definitely over-use commas as well. It often slows down the reading. I however must say that I really like your story idea. You have come up with something very original again, which is nice to read when often enough all that you are getting to read is pure cliche. Good job.