Reviews for Athanaeum
lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/1/2011
This is totally a review that I should have returned like...almost a month ago. I'm being SO BAD. Also, I had forgotten that you had changed your name! D:

For I come from a race of creatures that were made to survive. [Edit: would almost suggest omitting "that were" to tighten up the sentence.]

And master them we must for our own preservation... [Edit: maybe comma after "must"]

It a strange ethereal, cloudy, and dusty world full of strange mirages of floating lights. [Edit: "It's"? Maybe comma after "world"][I really liked this line though, looooved the last imagery with the floating lights, I thought this created some excellent setting ideas that stick with the reader because they're so bold! Also, the way you continue with the sound of nothing in the next line was also a stark description I appreciated, enjoyed this paragraph as a whole, a lot.]

Speaking of, the "ambient" music of the heart, GREAT. Love love that idea, I think of Aphex Twin's ambient works or something, space exploration! I think those go really well hand in hand and you do a great job bringing out that concept of music in a place where there is no sound. Also the tip of "driving us mad" that kind of seems like a darker image there but I like it because of course, space is serious business too.

Rain imagery-also rich. This whole thing is just totally rich with image and description that's very precise and I really enjoy!

Great frame story, I almost get this "Arabian Nights" feel for this opening, I think it's a great way to set up the rest of the story and a style like this isn't one you see that often-or if you do, it's usually not so richly written so I really appreciated that. Like the set up for the prologue-esque start! Excellent!
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 3 . 11/26/2010
Ahkay. Read this one a while back but didn’t have the time to review. Apologies for the delay, my friend. But I’m here now so all is well. :)

And they tell stories that resonate a different harmony from our own.

-This is a perfect example of that awesome writing of yours I keep mentioning. It’s more than just your writing I adore, it’s how you perceive things and then translate them *into* your writing. You clearly have an interesting perspective, born from many experiences and travels, and I think that it’s so great that you write because that means I get a glimpse of your brilliant mind. I’m gushing a little here, so I’ll stop. But, you know, I love your writing.

I adore the second person narrative in here. I think you’ve woven it brilliantly into this piece. It just works really well with the tone of the narrator.

The strangers gave praise to the ocean by mimicking its motions; and the ocean waved back over and over again in return.

-I love this image and I love the personification there. It’s one of your more subtle wonderful lines, but the wonder is still there.

I watched as the sun set and the sky go dark, and I am fairly certain that I cursed life at that moment.

-Personal: I might change “go” to “became”.

I love how you wrapped up the first part of this chapter. I think you wound everything down perfectly, emotions and scene.

Money in essence is just some fancy paper.

-Personal: I would place commas around “in essence” but that might just be stylistic.

We buy cars with navigation system to avoid the fear getting lost and the dreaded traffic;

-Edit: I think you want an “s” at the end of “system” since you said “cars”.

-Also, I love the sentence this line is contained it. You point out the problem and remedy product. I thought that entire bit was... insightful? I can’t find the word I’m looking for, but I just thought it was neat how you pointed out the relationship between the two.

...I felt transported twenty-or- so years back, and became a true gentleman.

-Edit: Tiny thing here, but there’s a space between the hyphen and “so”.

The description of the woman was wonderful. I especially love how you called her a “creature” because it ties in nicely with one of the points made in your second paragraph.

And I leaned close, wrapped her up in a one arm embrace; a faint trace of apricot tracing lines in her hair.

-Personal: I would find another word for “trace” since you say “tracing” afterwards and I love that image of the scent “tracing lines in her hair”.

The Arbiter is the hero with a thousand faces...

-I love that. A reference to Joseph Cambell’s novel, yes?

My offer for marriage still stands, I’ll have you know. :P

Anyway, beautiful piece, Silver. I think this will work wonderfully with the anthology (speaking of which, I should really get to work on mine). Your brilliant style shines bright yet again. Everything was coherent and eloquently written, and I especially love how you began with chaos and ended with harmony. I think that was a nice little attention that helped solidify this piece.

As always, it is a pleasure reading your work and I look forward to reading more soon.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 11/26/2010
However, we are born with music in our hearts so that the silence does not drive us mad.

-Personal: I don’t like the “However” here since I felt it jarred me a little from the otherwise smooth narration earlier on in this sentence. I think perhaps “Still” might work, or something not so transitional. Definitely personal preference, though. :)

The creatures here however refer to their home as Terrace.

-Personal: I would place commas around “however”.

The following is a compilation of tales that I have gathered in my travels around this strange world.

-Personal: I would remove “that” from this sentence.

Your writing is always such a joy to read. This chapter, like many of your others, is like a gentle current. The narration is smooth and flows beautifully, and was so lovely to read. I just really dig how you word things. Such a fresh style of writing. Excellent first chapter, Silver.

Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.