Reviews for Crossing the Finish Line
SinfulWolf chapter 3 . 10/18/2010
First thing I noticed, and liked, about this story, and this chapter, was how well you portrayed the main character. A young woman struggling between morals taught to her by her father and with her own emotions. It feels real, and despite initial reservations about how much I liked the character, I can sympathize with her and her plight.

Other thing was that I felt the dialogue was natural and organic. It flowed somewhat awkwardly at times, but it all felt like things people would say to one another in such a situation.

The only negative thing I can really bring up is the following line:

"She looked up to see why he had stopped in mid-sentence. His brows furrowed. He was staring at the photo of Darnell tapped to the inside of her locker."

To me it just doesn't seem right, as if "His brows furrowed" should be connected into one of the other sentences for a better flow. However this is a minor point, and I could be missing a choice in Author's style for control of flow.
TwentyOneDreams chapter 3 . 10/17/2010
This chapter was absolutlely amazing. Although your other version was good this one was even better!:) I hope to see more from this story in the near future
Sercus Kaynine chapter 2 . 10/15/2010
'"What are you like the welcoming committee?"'

Should be commas around "like".

"And he even agreed with some of Jesse Jackson's political views, though he would never admit that to his father who was a hardcore Republican."

Comma after "father".

"What about my grade, Ms. Terry."

This period should be a question mark.

Last time I reviewed for the RG, but I decided to read chapter two on my own time.

I'm glad you kicked this off with the two MCs meeting eachother. Some people just go on and on with exposition.

It was cool how they're first conversation demonstrated their ways of thinking. Ryan thinks he's just being nice, and Charlene's suspicious. I wouldn't even think about some of that kind of stuff and the fact that you put it in there proves you've thought a lot about this. Also, I thought it was curious that the one who was being "racist" was Charlene. Normally all you hear about is the Evil White Man and all that jazz, so it was interesting to see something different.

Anyways, good job and good luck with this!
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 10/15/2010
"Charlene slanted a glance at her father's mother, a heavy set black woman she couldn't remember seeing more than twice in the past 17 years."

I'd recommend spelling out numbers. Funny sentence, btw. It sets the tone nicely.

"It had been made clear to Charlene that change was bad—evil in fact."

"In fact" is an inserted phrase and the sentence reads fine without it, so put commas around it.

"Charlene trailed silently behind her grandmother taking in her new surroundings."

Should be a comma after "grandmother".

"So far, she seen nothing that held her interest until she came across the glass trophy case setting outside the principal's office."

Should be "she had seen".

First off, I was really impressed by how well this was written. Rarely is it that I see on FP a story with a knack like this for inserting details at just the right moment and in just the right way to make it interesting. The way you showed Charlene's ignorance of country life and ways, and her judgment of the school, was very entertaining and it made what could've been a boring car ride into a great intro.

Second, I love the tone you chose for Charlene. It suits the story and the character so well. Not to be stereotypical, but you do a good job of making her seem like a product of Detroit, and that's saying something because I've seen stories where author's can't pull off writing about racy subjects or they go overboard with the jargon and whatnot, but the way you did it was precise and added flavor to the characters.

Really cool story you have here. Good job with this!
Stretch19 chapter 3 . 10/13/2010
I had to check the first chapter again to remember what period you set it in, it really doesn't come across as being set in the eighties until the last part of the chapter but i like it that way. kind of gives a universal feel that this is still relevant and going on. Curious to find out who James is and for some more interaction with Ryan.
The Prince of Comedy chapter 3 . 10/12/2010
This is really good for your fist story! I hope you update soon! I like to see the interactions with Ryan and Charlene more! :)
TwentyOneDreams chapter 2 . 10/11/2010
You may be a new author, but this story so far is really good!:) please update soon I want to read more from you and this story
Brenda1257 chapter 2 . 9/21/2010
I really like your story. You are a very good writer with a flair for detail. Please continue the story and I look forward to reading it.
Liviy chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
This a really gud story could u plz update
mili chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
I really like this so far. Keep it up.
Krush32 chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
Please update this story, I really like it. :)
Stretch19 chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
Curious fits the chapter especially coming from Ryan's point of view. i like that he's seeing her as a girl first and not just a black chick and he's defending himself from her assumption that he's just curious like all the other white boys looking for dark meat. be interesting to see if and how he wins her over.
loloxoxo98 chapter 2 . 9/19/2010
GREAT! again, the detail is wonderful this time and i will advertise your story to other people. I'll also try to find a bETA for you
loloxoxo98 chapter 1 . 9/16/2010
wow! your writing is good and i think somewhat detailed. i love the story plot an' how you put it in a specific time era. very good an' please update
449 | « Prev Page 1 .. 20 27 28 29 30