|Reviews for The Sign of the Crane|
| Rabukurafuto chapter 7 . 8/22/2012
I really enjoyed this chapter. The transition into a darker, more serious story is pleasing to me, and it was delightfully unexpected to bring Swift Crow into the scene as a Bigfoot. I know feel more compelled than ever to watch Shriek of the Mutilated and The Capture of Bigfoot for awful Bigfoot-related fun. The battle was swift and exciting, and the implications fascinating. Also, Swift Crow's human form is just gorgeous. If I wrote fan-fiction of this, I would pair him with Michael in either male or female form.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 6 . 8/22/2012
I'm glad to see this one being continued. I really enjoy The Sign of the Crane.
Quite interesting that Fenton was just acting and is being manipulated by his father. Quite a twist this chapter makes. Nothing sexy like the last chapter, but we have plenty of ominous moments. It's good that the next chapter will arrive soon; I'm very interested to see how these new developments will play out.
| NsShadowSerpent chapter 4 . 4/13/2012
A waitress Michael for the next chapter? This can only end in disaster.
| berley chapter 3 . 3/25/2011
“…side, abundantly pleased with herself…”
- You use the word abundantly just in the past paragraph, so using it here sounds too repetitive.
“not without retribution; and she would take that revenge now.”
- misuse of a semi-colon.
“to the blond's head’
- blond should be spelt blonde if you’re talking about something feminine. I think. Haha.
It was a little hard to read the first section of the story because it was all in italics. I understand that you were trying to show that it was a dream, but I think the italics are not needed. The point of view is different, and having Michael being woken up right away after gives away that it’s a dream without needing the messy looking block of italics.
| berley chapter 2 . 2/21/2011
“a not altogether unpleasant experience in the young man's mind desspite of the threat of death by smothering.”
- slightly awkward sentence structure. Maybe rephrase? Plus, take the extra s out of ‘despite.’
“"What the…," stammered Michael”
- remove the comma
“with a lined, careworn face and deep black eyes that shone with old wisdom.”
- I think you could work a lot better imagery into this line. It’s cool that his eyes shone with wisdom, but that’s hard for me to imagine. What about them makes them shine with wisdom? Describe that to the reader so they can imagine it better.
“"Grandfather," the raven haired girl whimpered”
- To be honest, describing her hair as ‘raven’ coloured is a little cliché, as well as the fact that her name is Raven. IMO.
One thing I noticed is that you need to simplify your dialog tags. You use a lot of things like ‘she gushed’, ‘he explained’, ‘she growled’ and so on. Sometimes just saying ‘said’ and then adding a bit more description works a bit better.
| Sanareth chapter 5 . 1/15/2011
In-ter-est-ing. In stories such as these, I've always enjoyed the period of adaption to the new lifestyle more than what comes after-woulds. Not so sure about the 'special' sauce and the viability of its strategic application to troublesome customers, but it is quite amusing and somewhat fitting, if messy.
Then again seeing how troublemakers are dealt with and given the free show, the rest of the patrons are probably going become regulars if they aren't already.
'Well you could always try the knuckle sandwich,' Michael thought with a grin but aloud said, "Probably not."
Would that work better as either, "probably nothing" or if she/he was trying to keep business coming in "That's for you to decide."
It took me a moment to twig about what Michael was so upset about. ('the cute one')
Very clever. Subtle like an un-detonated naval mine.
I love clever things. They really put the polish on a good tale.
I'll keep reading, if you keep writing.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 5 . 1/14/2011
It is good to see another chapter. I always look forward to seeing more of The Sign of the Crane.
I think my favorite part was Michael calling the blond "cute". That stood out strongly to me. His reaction was also amusing. I like the idea of Michael developing an interest for boys.
I found it somewhat unbelievable that Fenton would go to a small family restaurant and expect filet mignon, escargot, or escalopes even after reading the menu, unless he came in with an ulterior motive in the first place.
The mysterious eyes are an interesting element. What horrible creature is lurking out there? Something benevolent that is being made to seem malevolent? Or a genuine malevolent monster? It intrigues me.
| Guest chapter 2 . 1/3/2011
I love your sense of humor. Die strife bringer! xD Raven is awesome. I love a girl who isn't afraid to take charge of a situation, even if that is a pretty scary way of doing dialogue in this chapter was great, really entertaining.
As for characterization, I don't know, some of them stick out, some of them feel like they're just sort of there. Michael, Bridget, Raven, Morgan and maybe Katie stick out as characters with identities so far, the rest have yet to stick out from the rest, but sometimes that just takes time. I don't know if that was helpful or not, just an observation.
"Strife Bringer," she cackled, bringing her rifle to bear. "Die!"-Definitely my favorite line. heh heh heh...
| zombie chickens chapter 1 . 1/2/2011
Ooh, good first chapter. Interesting (and really funny) idea. I was already laughing at the fact that this guy had just turned into a girl and then you got me with his girlfriend asking how this was going to effect their relationship XD Awesome!...That would be really weird 0_0.
My first impression is that it seems like a mix between a male fantasy and a good dose of humor. The native american girl at the end definitely pulled the chapter together into an irresistable cliffhanger. Excellent work.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 4 . 1/2/2011
It is good to see more of The Sign of the Crane. The chapter was short, but it sets up the rest of the story very nicely. The description of female Michael was very good too. I would love to dress him up too!
Compadre is misspelled though. That is the only problem I saw.
| berley chapter 1 . 1/1/2011
I’m really sorry about the delay in the return, I’ve just been busy with holiday stuff. But I have not forgotten about you! So here is your review:
First off, I do like the beginning and how you incorporated fun leisure things into this chapter, but I think the first line and paragraph of the chapter could be a little bit stronger. You have to keep in mind that this is opening your story up for the reader, and you need to hook them in. Dialog does work as a great opener, but the dialog you used was weak and just didn’t work for me. Maybe open up with a nice description of the setting, or a stronger dialog tag to really give this chapter a nice kick start.
Another thing I wanted to point out was your dialog tags, I really don’t like them. You use a lot of fancy tags like ‘griped’, ‘commented’, ‘replied’, ‘insisted’ and stuff like that. Those tags sometimes do work, but you use them a bit excessively. I used to do this all of the time, but someone pointed out to me that sometimes just saying ‘said’ and then describing how the character is speaking sometimes works a lot better.
Other then that, this was a pretty decent chapter. You left the reader with a great cliff hanger that is sure going to lead people to read on to future chapters. Nice job.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 3 . 12/21/2010
That was a fun chapter. I liked the change to Raven's perspective. I want to know more about her. The way Katie was able to get Raven punished was very clever; Katie is clearly a quick thinker.
The only mistake to me was seeing Katie described as "blond" and not "blonde". In English I am sure that females with that hair are called "blonde".
I look forward to more chapters. This is a fun little story. Michael sounds sexy as a girl (and he probably is sexy as a boy too).
| Rabukurafuto chapter 2 . 12/21/2010
Unlike some other stories with magical Red Indians, this one actually has them successful in driving off their annoying oppressors. There needs to be more stories where if the local Red Indians have magic in the first place then they should have had more success in keeping their land.
Anyway, I like the bird motif you have. It is a very elegant name scheme. Raven is a fun character; I might have to refer to her when making a Red Indian heroine of my own. It is a very delirious combination of events to set up a most unusual curse.
I shall read the rest soon.
| Rabukurafuto chapter 1 . 12/19/2010
I really enjoy the start to this story. Michael turning into a girl in the first chapter would normally be enough, but the girl showing up at the end with a firearm and promising to avenge her tribe is delightfully unexpected. The characters feel real (except the one at the end, but I need to see more of her first) and the setting seems plausible (since you based it off a place you went to).
That certainly is an entertaining genesis for this story you related. It all blends together into one strange whole.
| Sanareth chapter 2 . 11/2/2010
I particularly like shawns misuse of the term ju-ju which is really derived from african pidgin english.
You've done really well, capturing and keeping intrest; with a few interlopers to an entirely different sort of world and someone whose now been hit by a wildcard in terms of gender.
Although this idea is often explored, I'm curious about the nuances of your take on it; mostly because the manner by which he underwent his transformation is either extremely coincidental (Him making the sign of the crane) or otherwise i get the feeling he isn't a real descendant; Instead someone who triggered it by accident. Even anceint cursed lakes can make mistakes.
I liked the mundane explanation for how she knew his name.
Good old Crazy Duck, you never know which of his prophicies were true until after they occur.
Though the ones that you mentioned are strangely close to a numbe of truths. Intentional?
I say this because there have been plenty of strange rains recorded, even once in a french town, a rain of hundred frank notes.
As for the second, it was marmots who caused all of the major plauges that swept through europe as they were the original source of the infection that spread to other animals, making them second only to the malerial mosquito in terms of the number of humans they've killed.
Hence as they are pretty squirrel-like it becomes plausible.
-Bridget looked up at her boyfriend with a milk-souring glare
Would it be better as "looked up at her boyfriend with a glare that would have curdled milk."
Or perhaps "If look's could kill, Bridgets boyfreind would have been a smoking outline in the sand."
It's a minor thing; to be honest I can't fault your presentation or most of your phrasing.
On a final note, I was surprised and impressed to see the originating circumstances based in your own experience; its great when you can turn moments like that into entertaining tales in their own right.
Thank's for sharing this.