|Reviews for Why do I weep so?|
| K. Molle chapter 1 . 1/1/2011
I'm off on an early afternoon review spree. I noticed you offering your reviews to others, thus why not give you some love as well? I like to paste the work into my reviews and comment as I read along. I hope that is alright with you.
I didn't know him,
So why do tears fall from my cheeks?(What if you tried removing the word fall and replaced it with something like caress. I think something less simple would fit the rest of the poem.)
Why does my heart cry out?
Why do I want to whimper in a corner? (I find this line a bit awkward, I would rephrase it more like 'Why do I whimper alone?')
His appearance is still a hair, a flop of brown, a mop of red (flop...I love that word, it has such a cute flaire.)
Or something else eyes, a song of blue, a reverie of green (Your colorful word choice here is by far my favorite part)
Or something else unknown.I sit,(;) surrounded by the lengthening shadows.(I like this image, I can now see a picture in my mind)
Crying,(;) mourning for the boy I never cascading from my brown eyes(;)
Black hair tangling in my face.
I didn't know him,
So why do I weep so?
Very good ending, I like to read the title somewhere in the work, and the end always seems to be the best place. While there are a few awkward spots in this piece, it is still very sound and can be developed further into something perfect. I hope you continue writing; you have a talent that just needs to be honed.
Thanks for the read,
| Princess-anna57 chapter 1 . 11/2/2010
Somehow I feel I can relate to this. This poem has quite a mysterious but is really emotional at the same time. Well done overall. :) Keep writing.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 10/25/2010
Thank you for your review on my piece "What is true silence". I appreciate it! Here is your return review.
The internal rhyme in line 6 was superb, in my opinion. It really made me pay close attention from that point on. And it was interesting what I did notice.
My favorite part of this poem was that the speaker did not assume that the boy's eyes and hair were the same color as her own. Because she couldn't ever be the one to die.
Why does she weep so? Because it CAN be her. This is a fantastic and mature message, conveyed in a way that is very believable and relatable. Very strong.
However, I didn't see it the first time through. Even though your diction definitely matched the tone of the poem, there was something missing here, and to be honest, I'm not exactly sure what it is yet. That's why I'm writing all of this out.
As I read this poem a few more times, I think it's the rhythm. It might be that you capitalize the first letter of each line; it might be that you leave out a period here and there for a reason that I do not see; perhaps it is because you don't take advantage of enjambment at all. However, there is something missing here, make no mistake. It whispers; it does not sob.
Oh! Wait, I think I got it. There are missing verbs here. There is exactly ONE verb in the entire second stanza, and it is a linking verb at that (is). That causes your reader to gloss over almost that entire stanza. Don't give your readers a reason to gloss.
Ha. I knew I was missing something. Still, the stuff I mentioned above could be improved upon as well. Your rhythm wasn't that bad, actually. It was just the one thing that I saw.
In a poem that is this short, you have to pay attention to EVERY word. A poet does nothing unintentionally. A very good poet once imparted that wisdom to me.
Here are a few small edits that I think you could make to bring your poem to the next level:
Lines 10 and 11 could use a rephrase, so that the first words are not "I sit". That's a really weak start to what is supposed to be a powerful stanza (and is a powerful stanza, mind you).
The other edit I think you should consider is in line 12: instead of "Tears coming in cascades", try "tears cascading". Cascade is a descriptive and effective verb, but in your poem, you sap a great deal of its strength when you nominalize it (nominalize - to turn into a noun).
Other than that, a great poem. Sorry I was so late in getting this review back to you. I'm quite busy lately, much to my dismay! Keep up the good work, now.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 9/23/2010
Very nice poem. I think you brought a unique aspect to this piece, and your narrating style was well-done, I thought. One thing I would suggest would be to separate this into stanzas; it adds more to the flow of the piece. Another thing would be to drop the colour words when the narrator is describing herself. In normal conversation, you wouldn't say, "I twisted my black hair into a ponytail". Just a thought.
| instant bliss chapter 1 . 9/22/2010
This is a really intriguing and perceptive piece. It's true that sometimes the /idea/ of someone is even more important than the person himself. Great work!
| HighOnBrokenWings chapter 1 . 9/22/2010
A personal experience, or something else?
Very well written, you purposely left the appearance so open, and it just made it really awesome. Great use of that last line :) Really topped it off!