Reviews for Behind the Guise
Edwardo chapter 1 . 10/21/2010
Alright, sorry I’m a bit late getting to this, I know I owe you and I wasn’t trying to snub you, I’ve just been so damn busy lately. Let me start this off by saying that I really appreciated the ending. Just as Jake said, it was a more refreshing twist than what you’d typically expect, and after the whole story building up to the revelation, I found myself quite taken aback by the fact that it was all some sort of game, but at the same time I didn’t feel cheated whatsoever.

I feel like you do a pretty good job of presenting the characters throughout. While I was reading I kept thinking that they reminded me of the characters from “Clue” or some other typical mystery everyone has heard of, but that actually adds to the story with the ending, when you realize that things weren’t as they seemed, and it was actually all a game. I like that you exploited the lack of knowledge the reader possesses about the situation, along with our natural expectations of such a tale, and as I said it really catches the reader off guard, kudos to you.

Jake mentioned a few more technical and grammatical things, but that’s never been my cup of tea, really, so I’ll stick to how I felt about the plot itself and the story as a whole. As I read I found myself trying to work the mystery out, as I was sure you’d left some sort of hint or clue in there about who it was. Like one of the previous reviewers said, I was also a fan of those Clue books where you’d guess who committed the crime, and it did bring me back to that. I feel like that’s what you were going for here, so once more, very good job.

Overall I’d say that this was a very refreshing piece to read. It was clear and well-written, and I didn’t feel forced to read, but rather, I wanted to continue. It takes good writing to get me in that stage when I’m in the middle of doing a dozen other things at a time, and you succeeded in getting me that way, if that says anything. Great job on this, and as I said in the thread itself, I hope next time I’ll present more of a challenge ;)

-Edwardo via The Roadhouse Writing Contest
Charactarantula chapter 1 . 10/19/2010
Congrats on being the first winner! Sorry that the review is a little late, but I'm pretty sure I messaged you about that. Anyway, I don't remember reviewing you before so I'll just let you know that I review as I read, so pretty much anything I have a comment on in the moment I let you know, so you're reading my thoughts as in consecutive order.

"The chair where my grandfather should be sitting right now." You accidentally switch to present tense here. It should be "The chair where my grandfather should have sitting" or something of that nature.

"tears did nothing to wake the dead" This would be more effective if it was "do" and not "did," but other than late I really, really like the line.

Narrator killed them. Current Prediction and subject to change.

She says she barely knows the Admiral but then details quite a bit about him. Just sayin. ;)

"his wine glass shattered on the wood planks" :)

"Not all of us are so quick to undress ourselves, Lorinda," This line is full of win. Congrats.

"I can assure you it wasn't any of those reason," reasons.

"the woman sitting beside said." Beside who?

I appreciate all the details on your characters, but I do feel like the delivery on it gets stale. Introducing them, detailing their backgrounds, them throwing out their two cents... I would suggest tossing things up in the beginning to make it more engaging.

MIND FUCK.

Wow. Was not expecting that but man did I appreciate that more than a procedural "we caught the bad guy" ending. Congrats on that. Like I said in the paragraph above I think there are some presentation kinks that you could iron out, plus, I didn't feel it completely necessary for you to give everyone's actual names at the end, but all in all it was a pretty fun story with a great twist ending.

Congrats!

-Jake
Serendipitist Swan chapter 1 . 10/9/2010
I read a bunch of those Clue books when I was younger. Your piece made me feel nostalgic.

The dialogue flows nicely, nothing choppy or awkward at all. Your writing style makes it easy to feel the tension that the characters are feeling.

Just a quick note, a lot of characters have names that begin with the letter "L". It's a little hard keeping everyone straight if you're a dunce like me.

The ending blew me away. I was in no way expecting that.

Good job.

The Lone Edit:

"I was not, by any means, stupid."

Edit: I think "I was not stupid by any means." would work better
Katerzzz chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
Review payback!

Wow this was chilling, I found it so. Brilliant way of writing, many different opinions yet one narrative. Fantastic one-shot and I look forward to seeing how this goes in th contest :D

Katz
Screaming Dean chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
I loved how you posed the story/mystery from so many points of view, yet still competely use a first person storyline. If I may say so, I suspect that Miss Lancaster was you in some way. However, it's possible I'm just imagining all that. At any rate, I really believe you put a whole lot of yourself into this stor in some way or another.

Roadhouse