|Reviews for My Sister, The Twihard|
| Orion Heartling chapter 1 . 4/2/2013
Twilight A poorly written fan fic...End of story _
Loved the essay.
| LittleLoser.AndRoloLamperouge chapter 1 . 11/26/2010
Twilight is a scum, I say
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 10/18/2010
This is the required review from the competition. :)
To be honest, if I didn't have friends that had been affected in the ways you describe in this piece, I'd have called it a work of fiction within itself. It's astonishing to me that people will change their lives so completely merely for a book or a movie. :/
This story held my attention well and it didn't feel or rushed or too slow. You've managed to represent the topic in a good way, not presenting it in too believable of a light. This is good because a topic such as this shouldn't appear believable, because if it is then it's also going to be, in some way, acceptable.
I really can't find any problems apart from the spelling and grammar side of things. You definitely need to proof-read your work a few more times before posting it, as there were a few easy mistakes that you could have spotted. Sorry that I can't be more critical, but I'm probably still in shock from people actually being like this. :P
Some mistakes and things I think could flow in an easier way if worded differently:
"changed that shouldn't have" - "changed" should be 'changes'.
"starting to effect other classmates" - Should be 'affect' here.
"cause such trouble" - There should be a full stop at the end of this sentence.
"let them wear contacts." - The full stop should be a question mark.
"Things simply came crashing down on my sister." - I feel the sentence would flow better, if there was a 'then' between the first and second words.
"my sister threw a fit" "She threw a fit" - You should use a different word other than "fit" to help with flow.
"forcing my sister to go." - A 'too' at the end of this sentence would make it sound better.
"effected my family" - Should be 'affected'.
The most common mistake I found was a lack of apostrophes where they were needed. All the examples are below, with the apostrophe belonging before the 's'.
"push on a persons looks"
"the teachers comment"
"my sisters grades had"
"My mothers decision"
"mothers utter dismay"
| Bola chapter 1 . 10/16/2010
I really liked the way you have written this. There were some little spelling errors here, and there, but overall this wasn't badly written. There doesn't necessarily have to be a nice full plot with something like this to be any good, which it certainly was. One thing I would like to mention is, 'eleven-year-old' instead of 'eleven year old', and so. I have seen you make this mistake mere times along the way.
| Evilhumour Author chapter 1 . 10/15/2010
Well, this is just sad.
| Serom Kim chapter 1 . 10/4/2010
Hey, I read this essay because it seemed as if you share my views on Twilight. And I have to say, your story about your sister is exactly the reason why I think Twilight is a bad influence and not the masterpiece a lot of people claim it to be. I don't know anyone who fell into the Twilight trap personally, for all of my friends dislike Twilight, but what happened to your sister shows that it's not just "harmless" and that it can happen to perfectly normal people. Thank you for sharing this story with us, and maybe it'll make the people who think Twilight is "all that" see that too much of this "masterpiece" is not a good thing.