|Reviews for The Hanoma Mission|
| Lady de la Noche chapter 15 . 3/19/2011
Um...I think I would have liked it better if Naomi did it herself...
Patience is a virtue...right?
but, I mean, if it was unavoidable okay...
| Just another lady de la noche chapter 14 . 2/17/2011
Well, I'm supposing this is your first review! (Not really…I KNOW this is your first review…joy?)
Sorry I'm not logged in for a reply, I don't have an account, so I'll try and speak in a manner that needs no reply.(Sorry, again)
Here, I'll make your first review an overview of the story so far, and please don't take offense to anything, I merely want to help. Well...if help is needed. :)
I'm guessing that Mina, Naomi, Jarken, Soran, Zaira and Witty are all different people in real life(The writing styles speak all) so I'll address them by name(I'm also supposing, HOPING, they aren't tied closely to your real names. Mary-sues...*shiver* egad)
In general the story is pretty good, I like the plot and I think the way you lay everything out is pretty unique. But there are a few things that irked me a tad as I read:
-Often I had to guess who the log was by based off how it was written stylistically, which wasn't very fun and took me away from the actual story. I think it'd be smart to write you names at the top, like 'Jarken's Log' or some such nonsense.
There were some who did put their names near the top, enabling me to actually pay attention to what's happening(I think Naomi did it a coupla times, and I know that Jarken managed it this last chapter.)
-Try to keep the chapters of consistent length! Most readers will find it disapointing to read a chapter of pleasant, if long, length and go to next chapter and find that it's what, a paragraph? I'm not telling you to make every chapter super long or anything, but try not to leave us hanging so badly?
Other than that, in general, you guys earn a B! :D
Alrighty then, next up we have the individual hashing. Who's up first? How about...Soran? (Captain always first!)
M'kay, Soran, here's what I'll say (type?) to you:
-I like you, the character I guess, and I think that you're an interesting character. Or at least you would be, if you would do a little more personality. I get that it's a log entry, but everyone slips up once in a while and shares the past and whatnot (Not that I'm saying you don't, but...)
-Writing style. I'm not telling you to adopt a new one, but...how much time to you spend on each log you write? Perhaps I'm being unfair, but it feels not long enough. When you describe something, like the Trans-continental train thang, don't always launch into a detailed description. It's an element of writing to let the readers' imaginations fill in the details. Sure it might be incorrect in your view, but it gets us more involved in the story.
-Ah, the mistake that many writers make: changing time. Well...not how that sounds. You switch between the now 'I say' and the past 'I said'. Take chapter 7, you recorded an account of getting into Hanoma and Mina seeing a mob. What made it kind of difficult for me to read it was the changing tense. Trust me, it's hard to get rid of. Oh and speed. You kinda rush through everything, take time. Soak it all in. Describe it in a way that had us wanting more, but not factually. "This is this, that is that, blagh blagh blagh."
-Other than that, you're doing swell! A wonderful captain you make Soran! I can't wait to read more from your log! I hope you're not offended by my suggestions...sorry...
Now...who's next? Let's do Ms. One Chapter: Zaira!
-Can’t really say much…but here’s an attempt: write more? (Practice makes perfect and longer chapters!) Break up your writing, it’s hard to read everything all condensed as it was in your chapter. It hurt my eyes to try. That’s…all I guess. Can’t really critique something I haven’t really read.
To Mina, Ms. Ryder?, I have only a few things to say:
-A lot of what I told Soran, but less….? You don’t make as many mistakes, but there is certainly room for improvement. Mostly just drawing things out, describing, try using ‘said’ more. The more you don’t the more I think ‘Stephanie Meyer’ and I don’t think that’s what you were going for… yeah…that’s about it for you.
-I like your character, she’s very…cutesy in my mind. I can certainly see a romance between her and Jarken!
Since I don’t have as much room left, I’ll have to make these others short…sorry ‘bout that. -3-;
-Do you write apart from this? You seem a lot more used to it than everyone else, ‘cept maybe Witty and Jarken. I don’t have much to critique you on, you seem to have it pretty down. I love reading your chapters, perhaps you could aid in the drawing out of events that others neglect?
-I like a strong woman, pretty awesome thou art!
-You have it down pretty well, just try to keep from rushing. There are bits in your chapters that I read and the scene changes catch me by surprise. Try line breaks if that doesn’t work.
-the misunderstood potions guy, nice.
Then lastly: Mr. Witticism.
-I dunno about the drunk thing…I suppose it could work, but maybe tone it down a bit? In the one chapter you have up I felt a teensy rushed (Gee, you people…:D) but I like the characterization. You described the whole warlock thing nicely, not too ‘warlocks are like this and they do that’ you gave the log personality! I like it.
-Then, as before(Jeez people, you’re making me repeat!) draw things out! Out! OUT! *Haro*
That’s all. If I offended any of you, I’m sorry. I just think this is a wonderful idea and I would hate to it go to waste. I’ll be watching!
-lady de la noche