Reviews for Memphis Ghazal
Jayster007 chapter 1 . 5/28/2011
[WCC Review] I've long been a fan of Indian culture. As a previous reviewer mentioned, most of the Ghazals I've heard have been sung and it'll be awesome if you could somehow put a tune to this. The rhyme scheme and meter were mostly consistent (with the isolated exception of the line with the pennies) and made the whole poem even more engaging. The thing I love most about a Ghazal is that the entire poem focuses on a particular emotional theme. The first thing I noticed was the repetition of the word "blues"; each time you repeat the word, it is used in a different way. For example, you brilliantly use "blues" to symbolize a state of depression in the beginning of the poem, transition into using "blue" to represent the color, and then go back to using the word to represent depression. It is as though the narrator, a bard, goes from a state of genuine depression right after "losing the woman" to artistic expression with the color blue and back to depression at the end of the poem. And while we're on the subject, I love the final stanza when you ask "After all of this, Bard, Why do you still got them blues?" I also like the word choice that you employed; you use words like "lost" and "found," "sweet" and "dirty," "pennies" and "diamonds," and "white" and "blues." The juxtaposition between these opposite words add a lot of bittersweet emotional energy to your poem. It is as though the "King's White Home" represents clarity, sanity, and sanctuary in the "land of blues," representing depression. The only thing that I would suggest to make this already exceptional piece even better would be to stick faithfully to the iambic quadrameter for all of your first lines throughout the entire poem. I think that the Ghazal is so well done that a single exception to the established rule of meter (Pennies flush like diamonds) makes the line stick out pretentiously. I loved the pennies line, but I do think that it can be reworked to make the poem flow a bit better. Hope this helped!

-Jayster
sophiesix chapter 1 . 4/1/2011
The ghazals i've heard have been sung, so partly i had difficulty thinking of thuis as a ghazal because it was so definately bluesy, but on teh other hand it does have that lyrical/rhymic/musical quality too, so i could see it as a really really blues version, you know, 80% blues and 20% ghazal or something, lol. teh repetition of blue was a bit annoying, also because teh emphasis seemed to be teh same with each instance too - perhaps it would be breaking the traditional structure too far, but if there wasn't always a full stop after teh 'blues' then that would work better for me.

loved teh bluesy feel to this, btw, teh vocab and refernces were just perfect.
demonhaunted chapter 1 . 1/9/2011
Ghazals are notoriously difficult to write in English, so I was curious about this one. I think it's well-suited as a form for a poem about blues, because both were originally 'grassroots' endeavors, so to speak.

I'm not getting the sense of ghazals' internal rhyme out of the poem, as the rhymes are a bit too subtle and misplace. If you want to use, for instance, 'river' and 'gives a' as your rhymes in the first two couplets, I think it would work better as a traditional ghazal if they were in the same place in the lines:

I lost a woman, found some booze;

I searched in rivers, got the blues.

Pennies flush like diamonds–

no money gives a man the blues.

Admittedly, though, that weakens the first stanza. I only offer it in case you do want to stick to a more traditional application of the form.

I read 'blacks and blues' as a double meaning, since blues is a black American art form. If that was intended, well done.

"Oh Saxophone, sing that Beale song;" is nice and Sandburg-like but it breaks up the rhythm of the poem. If you're looking at this with an eye for rhythm, that meter would stick out.

I liked the closing line "Why do you still got them blues?" because it used traditional blues grammar but did not seem forced or patronizing, so that's a deft touch for the line.

Hope this helps; well done!
diwu6398 chapter 1 . 10/12/2010
Hm... I've been meaning to get to your page for a while, and finally I've found a review-less story. So I guess I shall be your first reviewer! At least one who has left an official review.

I understand that you summarized this as "blues." Still, I found the repetition of 'blue/ blues' etc. to be sort of... not annoying, but not... to my liking? Was that a good way of putting it? Haha sorry, I'm a bit out of it. I felt like, after the first two "blues" it got old.

What I DID like were the first lines of most of the stanzas. I especially liked the first, second, and second to last (got too lazy to count).

I mostly liked it. I think I already got that point across though. I'd rate it like, 8/ 10. Around there. Maybe 7.5.

Hey, do you know any good French authors/ poets?