|Reviews for Barracuda Ragdoll|
| kneat chapter 1 . 10/22/2010
I do like this poem, but it's a bit hard to sort out what's going on, at least in the beginning.
So I don't really like the first section- I know the whole plot is broken (and I really like that approach- it matches the confused feelings of the speaker), but I was still kind of like "Knife in the hairline? That Saturday morning? Fully functional family? What's going on?"
(Might just be me not thinking about it all enough.)
The line about the tunnels is pretty deep, though. Got me thinking. I like how you manage to make poignant points, but still don't break out of the character.
It's also nice how she tries not to curse (I wonder if the last lines represent her just giving up and resigning to another cycle of bad choices?)
My favorite stanza must be where she's describing the front where she has to put on. I can really picture this struggling city girl looking strong even in the face of all she's going through, and I feel like that gives me the best glimpse of her as a person.
So overall, it's a pretty ambitious poem with a very intriguing main character that just feels a little /too/ disjointed at times.
(I'm pretty sure I can pick out the metaphor in the title, too. Nice sort of subtlety there!)
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/19/2010
Firstly, I like how sort of disjointed this is as a whole, it kind of breaks off, slightly jerky but in poetry, that sort of thing works well and I feel like you've pulled it off well here.
The speaker seems very interesting; I like how you have the first line about not swearing, and when they do sweat there's an apology about it. I think you can really feel the character getting frustrated - I get the impression they're being critised from all sides, for different things, and it's getting to be too much, maybe?
Good work. Really enjoyed reading it.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 10/17/2010
The wordplay that is usually omnipresent in your poems was notably absent in this one. However, I did notice the eyebrow-raising "Madame Poke-(h)er" and the following metaphor. Good one.
There were four parts here, and to be honest I've never seen you separate parts of a single poem like this, except in "The Poetry of Logical Ideas". Even in that one, the flow was still more convincing than it was here.
Throughout this whole poem, I was wondering how to relate the content to the title. The first stanza of the first section made sense, but the second one didn't. Your speaker seemed a little bit weak in this poem, which is strange for you. I did notice a separate antagonist in each stanza, so maybe I'll try to elucidate your poem via the antagonists.
The first stanza's antagonist was male, and he was old. He had an annoying laugh. He was not very unique. You didn't characterize him enough, I don't think. I still don't know why he was even in the poem, unless the point that I make a down here* is valid.
The second stanza's antagonist made more sense to me, though. She is "an upstanding fucking citizen" in a way. She asked you not to curse anymore. She seems to almost be a personification of higher-than-your-speaker society. She was referenced in the first stanza, I think.
*The man in the first stanza and of the third section might be the same one who's laugh messes your speaker up in the head. So, the overall picture I got was of two people who antagonize your speaker, one male and one female. They seemed to be a married couple, or at least tied to each other in some way, but you know I might be / mistaken (a-har-har-har-har) - ZZ Top. The male convinces her to do bad things, like curse and engage in promiscuity and such things, while the woman yelled at her for doing those things.
And your speaker, she feels trapped in this cycle of one half of the world pushing her one way, while the other half pulls her in the other. I think that's the overall message. Then, the first stanza comes back into play. I think this might be one of the ones you'll want to do another draft or two on. You could definitely use some reorganization, and maybe some stronger rhythm. Character growth from the speaker is also encouraged.
However, this is a big step in breaking your funk, I think. Hope you're doing better!
-thewhimsicalBASTARD (if that doesn't make you happy, nothing will)
| words are all I have chapter 1 . 10/12/2010
I like this, I really like the way it's like a half monologue, half rant, half poem (fractions are great yeah) but I love the way it is laid out, and how the speech is so like something I would think to myself, its so relate able. It's like you went inside someone's head and wrote what you saw there. I love The author's note.. That part just made me smile for no particular reason, it just seemed so out of place yet fit perfectly. The only thing I don't really like is the structure, it kinda makes it harder to read like a poem, but then again it contributes to the whole idea and goes nicely with this particular one. I like when the speaker says "there I go again. I'm sorry" because it really becomes a real person with that. It makes it seem more.. human in a way. Well done anyway, I love it (: