|Reviews for The Woman Going Home|
| J. D. Bennett chapter 1 . 10/16/2010
How can a dandelion's seeds blow in the wind without getting shot down by rain? And doesn't her sandwich get soggy?
Despite those logistical flaws, this was great. You paint such a great picture, and allow the reader to figure things out for his/herself. I hate when everything is given away in description. You really mastered the personalities and the situations of the characters indirectly, which is good. Keep up the excellent work!
| berley chapter 1 . 10/10/2010
“Her hazel eyes were fiercely fixed on the transparent air ahead of her.”
- Hmm. I would maybe change this to something like “Hazel eyes were fiercely fixed on her destination ahead of her.” or even “Her hazel eyes were fiercely fixed ahead of her.”
“She continued to step ahead, one leg behind the other.”
- This sentence kind of contradicts itself to me. One leg behind the other gives me the idea of going backwards, taking a step back instead of forward. I think you would get a better message across if you had ‘one leg in front of the other’ or something similar. Just my opinion.
“The rain started to drizzle harder. The round drops of rain bounced on her bare arm.”
- Having rain used twice so close together just sounds a bit repetitive to me.
I did like how you subtly mentioned that she was injured instead of just blatantly stating it for the reader. Good job of that whole ‘showing and not telling’ shabam.
“Her heartbeats quickened.”
- heartbeat only needs to be singular.
“I will snap you tiny little neck.”
- I am assuming this is suppose to be your?
“With his hand still constraining her shoulders, he grabbed her purse and clumsily pulled off her necklaces. The rain was easing off. By now, she could see that about a block away, there is a mini-plaza. The light was lit in one the windows. She glanced back at the man. He was browsing through her large purse and tossing out some things carelessly. She decided to run for it.”
- If he was still holding her shoulders then how could she just easily make a run for it?
“…She might as well has, because…”
- has should be have
“She lied there. She made no attempt to get up. She felt someone kicking her lightly….”
- Lied should be laid. These sentences are too chopping using She three times in a row. I would maybe try mixing it up a bit.
“The air smelt fresh after the storm..”
-Don’t quote me on this, but I think it should be smelled, not smelt.
Okay, so you have a really good idea here…but your execution just didn’t work for me. I would suggest reading it again and getting your grammar mistakes fixed, there seems to be a lot of them here. I want to know more about the woman, why she was where she was, what happened in her past, and why she is so down on herself. Clearly something happened. With the descriptions you gave I read it thinking she was a woman who got burglarized, who felt sorry for herself but wasn’t doing anything about it. I didn’t feel bad for her, and in a story like this I think you should try and get more emotion out of your reader. Maybe explain more of her past in some way, show more of her fear when the man attacks her, and show how she is feeling while she is walking down the street more.
Good effort, it has potential, but I honestly think it needs a bit more work still. :)
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