|Reviews for The Observor|
| Shiraiyuki chapter 1 . 1/4
This is possibly the best thing I've ever read in fictionpress.
I love this just for the great grammar and the absence of spelling mistakes. The vocabulary was also amazing and out of the ordinary (at least for me).
The plot itself... Christ, You got me breathing quickly and reading faster and faster when that newcomer walked into the bus. The writer reminds me a character from a book I read last year but so much more interesting and likeable.
Truly, this is very beautifully written and I feel extreely jealous because I can't write like this. Maybe one day if I'm lucky.
| Princess Asaria chapter 1 . 3/19/2013
That was so infinitely beautiful, and tragic, and inspiring.
I can't even write anything now after reading this; that's how amazing it is.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
[I hadn't felt the inspiration, nor the desire since 25th December 2000] - I think that sentence would work better with an additional comma after "desire".
[A woman draped in hospital gown limped into the bus,] - I feel for some reason that should be "onto", even if I can't come up with a good argument as to why. But I think it does make more sense to have "a hospital gown" as opposed to simply "hospital gown".
I really like the images of this fic; it's sporadic enough to be relateable in the circumstances, engaging enough to appeal to the more extraordinary sensors and sensible enough to make...well, sense. It's a nice mix of things that does really give an image of inspiration, so really clever writing there. The ending was a nice touch too; it sort of reverses the image of pride going before a fall.
What I think can be improved on is your narration; it feels like a different person entirely talking at the end than the one who began the narration; while there's been a profound change, there should be something fundamental that maintains that this is the same person from the beginning to the end. I would suggest dulling the voice of the opening a little to show a little life at the end, or perhaps play a little more of the "eye-opening" appeal and step or slope the ascribing of detail, sort of like from monochrome grey to a rainbow of colours. Because I don't really see the optimism of your end in lieu of your opening.
But otherwise, really nice work.
| Chancer On The Scene chapter 1 . 1/16/2013
I think one of the strong points of this chapter would be the details that you used in describing the events that were unfolding. It definitely made for a more realistic narrative that captivated me as I read on. I think the best example of that would be the scenes when the woman is first getting on the bus and when you were describing what the backstory of the baby will be. Each one of the characters that will be introduced as a character in the novel had a well defined image.
However, I feel like this chapter was very disorganized. Although we were constantly being reminded of his presence on the bus and how the passengers were inspiring him, I feel as if you used the bus as a tool for you character to get inspiration rather than your character getting inspiration doing something routine. Furthermore, I can't really see how you will advance from this point forward. Although I understand that you will be going into a novel based on the images of these characters, that then makes this piece feel unnatural and essentially like a crutch. I would've liked for there to be more plot in this piece and more interaction between characters. Although he is an observer, I just don't feel as if an observer is someone a reader can find himself attached to, especially when he doesn't really have a character. You have a good base - don't get me wrong - but I don't think a rewrite of this piece is out of order.
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/15/2013
whhhaaaa u r amazing reading your story i have come to know that i still have a lot to learn XD
| The Wanna-Be Medic chapter 1 . 1/14/2013
This is well written, there are no spelling or grammar mistakes. It flows smoothly and it was easily read. You obviously spent a fair amount of time on this. Even if the plot and basis of a story is good, there is extreme importance on the way and quality that a story is delivered. You offered a unique style that gave clear images and gave no mistakes to ruin the flow of the story.
As for the plot, it is carried out well, with the writer getting on the bus and seemingly riding through the boy's life as he come sup with the story. I like the images that I get from this.
Good work, continue to write.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 10/26/2012
What I really loved about this was how relatable it was. As a writer I could completely jive with these emotions/feelings, and I liked how throughout the piece you hinted and came back to the same vein of imagination and how a writer perceives the story. Another thing I liked about this was the pace. I liked the quickness of the detail and how you kept the story at a steady pace. I think if you went into any more detail about the people and scenes you would slow the story down too much, and as is I like the contrast of the author’s imagination working while the bus is moving. Nice job, keep up the good work.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 10/12/2012
I like the setting and theme of the story. It's apt for a writer struggling through writer's block and reminds me of the movie 'Stranger Than Fiction' in how life eerily begins to imitate art for the protagonist. The narrative voice was also fitting for a writer, with the strong use of vocab and observational stream-of-conscience.
One thing that could be improved upon is the second half from when the narrator encounters the sad man with the photograph. The italicized monologue felt forced and seemed to spring from nowhere, as did the sudden change in the narrator's temperament which had previously been so calm. The transition from calm to disturbed could have been executed more smoothly, with the build-up more pronounced.
| bradpara chapter 1 . 10/9/2012
Very Nice, It i samazng how inpsiration works,doesn't it
| Razorine chapter 1 . 10/8/2012
One word: AMAZING. Normally literary pieces would bore me to the point where I'd snore. But this was really beautiful. After reading so much action and humor, this made me feel relaxed. 'Sometimes you just need to stop moving, take a step back and observe the frantic world around you.' is what I was thinking throughout the whole story. I got confused about the man with the frame, though things like that can be forgiven in my point of view.
You did a nice job Pr