|Reviews for forever: a terrible idea, I said to her|
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 6/4/2011
Courtesy of the Review Marathon (link in my profile).
I enjoyed the imagery and wordplay of this piece. 'we drink the sang-wine as it falls from the bleeding psuedoheavens' is a memorable example of this with its evocative implications. I find the phrasing also quite clever like 'what but habit could tell me not to fall' matching the previous description of breath 'quaking like a mountainside avalanche'. It's all well thought-out and reflective.
Finally, the ending serves as a great climax encapsulating the poem's central undercurrents of danger and passion. The build-up to it makes it ideal for a title as well.
| diwu6398 chapter 1 . 12/18/2010
why does everyone always put spaces in the word reach? it is, i'll admit, an interesting poetry technique, but this is the third time i've seen it on this day alone.
i'm also wondering why you chose to capitalize only the "I" in this poem. is there a reason?
i used to like your line breaks, but now i can't remember what it was about them that i liked. so i sort of confused myself... can't figure out if i like this, as odd as that sounds. there was some great imagery in here though.
but forever is a terrible idea.
i finally reviewed. told you i would, didn't i?
| sunstruck chapter 1 . 11/18/2010
Wow, this is stunning. You convey your emotions so eloquently and your phrasing is beautiful: "what but habit could tell me not to fall". While the rest of the poem flows perfectly, I think the end of the third stanza sounds a bit awkward. I love that both your imagery and message are utterly original (really, your breath quaking like a mountainside avalanche is such a fitting simile that I can't believe I haven't heard it before). The title was intriguing - it made me wonder how forever could be terrible, and then I read the poem and I felt like I understood. The entire poem had the rhythm of an uphill climb (as you put it), and I mean that in a good way.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 10/27/2010
Owed review from the Review Game, Poetry Depth.
Stanza references are from top without title to bottom with title.
Subject-I like how right away you dragged out the idea of forever by formatting the "reach" as spaced because it gives the reader the idea of the line being pulled longer than it's meant to, and I think that works into this subject of life and love everlasting cleverly. I also liked how you conveyed it by the theme of height and the different images and words that covey being high in all definitions of the word, and the different examples of a cliff, of "psedoheavens" etc.
Flow- i think the stanzas and the line breaks make sense. I like the way you play with the flow by also using the spaced out "reach" and then the ellipses after "us" in the fourth stanza. The uses of the dashes also play with the flow uniquely because they sort of jut the reading aloud on in a jerky sort of way that works for me. I noticed you decided to not really use periods though... I'm thinking maybe if you're going to use semi-colons, commas, and dashes, and you're making it grammatically correct, maybe there should be a period placement within the first three stanzas? You don't start using the semi-colons until the fifth.
Word choice- Playing on the idea of the subject and the idea of being high I loved the puns and the choices to combine some of the words, like "wears&tears" though I'm not sure I understand why that one was formatted that way with the "&" there, unless...hmm, I guess I could see it literally coming between the two words as almost a visual tear, so that's kind of cool. The combination of "foot-souls" and "sang-wine" actually reminded me of Beowulf and Old English, haha, so it's interesting what certain words will evoke in a reader. Enjoyed "psuedoheavens" too because it made me pause a moment to really take full grasp of the word. So there were some cool word plays going on here.
Enjoyment- I enjoyed this, it took me two readings to really get into it, and I see whut you did thar by placing the title at the end. I've never read a poem that's like this before, so this must be all the rage these days, I think it's clever and applaud your use of it. If you hadn't mentioned you'd done this before after berley's WCC, I probably wouldn't have gotten what you did though, so thank god for that-it's just really nothing I've seen done before! It reads well both down and up. I kind of like it reading down the best though, XD, which is why I kind of reviewed it that way, I like how it ends reading down with "our story is"-it was a pretty cool line to end with when reading it from that direction, just because it also made me think, huh, the thought just kind of ends there, which is a bit ironic given the story subject of "forever". But also ending with the "reach" last line works well too-I think I prefer my ironic ending than the literal end with the word "forever".
Lastly then, do you have any recommendations of poets that use this method of poetry? Like maybe a book of poetry or something? Where did you see it done? Or did you come up with it on your own?
Oh! And also liked your summary, clever little bits about falling off of mountains or climbing them ;)
| berley chapter 1 . 10/24/2010
"i the end of this forever
it's because I know there will be air
and the bystanders below wonder how I'm still alive –
because we're so damn high –
I can almost see my breath, quaking like a mountainside avalanche"
- Read either way, I think that is my favourite part of this poem. It's like...half of the poem. haha.
This is just beautiful. You have the two different perspectives woven in there so well and it makes complete sense to read either way. Your writing made me want to read it over and over again, both ways, and every time I did I found something new that I liked about it. I never get that excited about poetry, but I loved what you did with this piece. It makes me want to try my hand at poetry because of how you have no limits with your writing.
So there are two narrators in this story, who basically have opposite views. From reading it a few times, to me it’s love. One person desperately wants to hold on, has confidence in their relationship and just wants to jump into falling in love with the other person, and being with them forever. The other person doesn’t feel the same. They are tired, and know that when things end between them life can and will go on. They are accepting that there will be an end, that forever isn’t a good idea for them.
Awesomely fantastic job. Definitely a favourite of mine.
| Kikyuu chapter 1 . 10/19/2010
I liked the general feel of this poem, and the way forever is portrayed as a "terrible idea" rather than perfection. I especially liked the phrases, "it's because I know there will be air", and "what but habit could tell me not to fall", and the whole of the stanza beginning, "that makes us".
What I didn't like was the awkwardness of "foot-souls". There was something about it that I felt should have appealed, but ultimately didn't work for me. (Hopefully that made sense.)
Also, probably typos but might as well point them out: "psuedoheavens" and "forfinger".