|Reviews for Protection in a Wild Land|
| Cynthia Brent chapter 23 . 8/20/2012
Great job on this chapter! It's always very hard to find space to let a character describe his past, his "back story." Taylor is much more real to me now and I really identified with a lot of his problems with his father and fitting in as a soldier. You introduced a lot of information really well without slowing down the story and while still building up a lot of anticipation for the chapters ahead. The reader can't help wondering how Bailey will deal with General Prior in the morning!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 22 . 8/13/2012
This is an amazing chapter! Great job! What most impressed me was the way you capture the helplessness of Taylor and the cruelty of the General - yet in a way that's sensual and almost seductive. And I like how you capture the way Prior is so manipulative, not just about sex, but about the politics of the war situation. The way he manipulates Taylor into saying it's "not his fault" that the attack went badly, perfectly fits with the way he forces the younger man into sex.
Later I'll send you some suggestions for tightening up your writing style - just wanted you to know this is an amazing chapter! Oh, and don't change the rating - this was written in such a subtle, understated way.
| Cynthia Brent chapter 21 . 7/26/2012
What an amazing chapter! I was amazed by the slow buildup of tension at the beginning. The quietly humorous way you describe Prior makes him seem so much more real! I hated him more with every sentence but I totally saw his point of view and understood how he was feeling. And the descriptions of the wounded men coming back to the fort were so real!
I would only make a few really minor suggestions. When the women and children come out, they should help the men - wives on the frontier would always rush right up to help bandage the wounds. And Prior should have asked someone for a report on exactly what happened out there. Maybe he's already thinking of a way to blame it all on someone else!
Oh, and I like the short sentences much better! I only noticed one that's a good example of words to cut out. Where you talk about Prior you say "the heady drunkenness immediately vanished from his head." If you just end the sentence at "vanished" it becomes so much stronger and more ominous!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 20 . 7/24/2012
Wow, this is one of the best chapters so far! I felt all the suspense and terror, and I like the way each man reacts to the sound of gunfire differently. The end of the chapter is also very well done, it's understated but very grim. I'm going to make several suggestions now, but that doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the chapter. This story is amazing!
You have such great energy and passion in your writing, so that nearly every sentence is descriptive and vivid. But now is the time to start practicing your revision skills by shortening those sentences. Read the whole chapter over before you post it one last time, even if it means waiting another day. You will notice many sentences where a few words can be dropped, and many where you can make two short sentences instead of one long sentence.
Remember to vary the description of the enemy as "Indians." The cavalrymen of the time are prejudiced, of course, and they can call them "red skins," or even "red devils." Or, if you are not comfortable with that, you should try to identify the enemy by tribe, or even by the name of the chief who is leading them. The soldiers should know which Indians they are fighting and be worried about this specific group, not just "Indians" in general!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 19 . 2/19/2012
This is another great chapter! I especially love the contrast between the fear and anxiety of the men indoors and the insane jubilation of the men galloping into the trap! I love how you express emotions so well, talking about the "horrid heaviness" seeming to push the walls inwards, compared to the thrill of galloping across the cool, refreshing stream!
As an American, I have to say I am jealous! You are an English author but you capture both the thrill and terror of our frontier heritage better than I ever could. Can't wait to read your next exciting chapter!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 18 . 1/17/2012
I sure hope Colonel Dawes knows what he's doing! I like the mood of quiet menace and foreboding in this chapter. By the way, I know how annoying it is when they don't let you do a break or a pause. It's even worse with poetry!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 17 . 9/6/2011
Wow, things are really heating up around the post. I like it! The General certainly seems to know what he's after . . . but will Dandy be strong enough to resist?
Oh, and by the way, you probably already know this, but MANY American army generals of that time drank too much. Ulysses S. Grant was especially famous for having that problem.
| rEdRoSeSiNaUgUst chapter 17 . 9/5/2011
What the hell? First he tries to rape Bailey then he trying to spank Dandy like he's 5? He is NOT a funny drunk...
| Cynthia Brent chapter 16 . 9/5/2011
I really like the title of this new chapter! It sounds so authentic. I like how you introduce so many new characters so quickly. Probably you don't need so much description of Marshall, you could just say, "a good officer, but not bright." Also, when you say a character is the oldest officer "at the front" it would be better to just say "on the post." The idea of a "front" didn't start till World War One.
| rEdRoSeSiNaUgUst chapter 16 . 9/4/2011
Sorry, but that made me laugh at the end. I do not think commanding officers 'slap' their subordinates like disrespected women.
| Luis chapter 1 . 8/28/2011
My name is Luis Salcedo and I am an Admin for The Collection - a site that looks for and recognizes good fanfiction, original stories, poems, musical lyrics and art. Your story is deserving of accomadation and you should join us.
| Cynthia Brent chapter 15 . 8/14/2011
This was a great chapter but I'm starting to have trouble telling Bailey, Prior and Taylor apart! Which one is the general in love with? Which one is called "Dandy?"
| rEdRoSeSiNaUgUst chapter 14 . 8/5/2011
I smell a threesome coming *winks*
Please continue this lovely story.
| Cynthia Brent chapter 14 . 7/19/2011
I really liked this chapter! The Colonel's speech to the men was really realistic and fits in well with the facts.
The part at the end was exciting too - except I wasn't sure which one the Colonel likes or whether he wants to be with both his aides? It was really exciting all the same!
| Cynthia Brent chapter 13 . 7/7/2011
Great chapter! You do a wonderful, touching job of showing how Prior's past life has shaped him - the scenes with the dying father, and how he secretly prefers the safe jobs in the rear are very well written and make me really care about the character!
If you decide to rewrite later, remember that officers in the US Army don't really "enlist." Prior would probably have gone to West Point (like Sandhurst) as a college student and then graduated as a 2nd Lieutenant in the army, just like George Custer!