|Reviews for The Academy: Abandon|
| TK Anez chapter 1 . 11/3/2010
I love this! My favorite was the Lainey section. And I think you did really well with how the scenes got more intense and had more action as it went on. So yeah, can you update now? Or I can just bug you tomorrow at work :D
| Jenny Rocker chapter 1 . 10/30/2010
This definitely shows some promise. You pay a lot of attention to detail and have some great descriptions. Although there were a few times where I felt your descriptions got away from you and I was unclear of the meaning.
A few examples:
"Delaney rolled over, her blonde curls soaking up her dismay."-Not sure how hair can soak up dismay...
"a generous, but thin, mouth"-In these terms, I would think generous and thin would be antonyms, and if you mean generous in another way, I'm not sure what that means.
"A woman was standing just behind the doors, her suit matching the color and dullness of the building, and her smile betraying the exhaustion she must have been feeling. Her nametag said 'Matilda.'"-It feels weird that the entire section is from Lainey's 5-year-old perspective, and yet she can read the person's nametag? And do we need to know what the nametag says? Skip this kind of detail and go on the explosions.
Also, I think the sections following the first maintain a great pace. Starting with Jake and going forward, each part has a fast pace and action. However, the opening is a little sleepy. My interest wasn't really grabbed until Jake. I would suggest some rearranging to perhaps start off with Jake's section, and stick Blair further on. I think Jake's section will grab your audience's attention better.
Thanks for the review, by the way. Good luck with this :)