|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 11 . 8/5/2012
Ok, there. At the risk of sounding like an obsessive SOB, allow me to say that crossbows are actually far deadlier than longbows due to a longer range and better penetration. But longbows are arguably easier to use because of the firing rate. For crossbows, you need to aim and you need far longer time to prepare the shot due to loading the bolts.
Now on this chapter, I suspect why you're not too happy with this is because you might be getting too harsh on yourself. Maybe it's because of Lucan. I don't know, seriously. For me, I'll have to say that it's a far better chapter than whatever you've written so far. At the very least I can see Lucan's character shine. :)
Which now comes to my brief take on Lacie. And whatever family politics going on here. How it seems that whatever had transpired between now and post-petrification had changed Lacie profoundly. I don't have a deep impression of her character, but I don't see her as an extremist you're implying her out to be now. Given her enthusiasm, it seems that she actually wanted something out of the entire tragedy back during the Alexandria petrification. It seems like some kind of revenge agenda on the cards, but that's just me I guess.
Family politics wise, it seems that Lucan's end might have conducted an alliance with the Earth Kingdom. Given what Lucan had known about the other party, it seems that either the potential ricks were way too dire or that somehow or another, his family wasn't that saintly. Given that little catch you've done on his mother calling off the search for Jenna after two days, it seems far towards the latter.
Now onto Lucan. Amazingly enough, despite the possibility that he might be Eidan's anti-thesis, they might be far more alike than we'd like to see them out to be. Simply put, the anti-thesis theory might merely be something within an existential basis. Character wise, I do see them as a similiarity. And it's not just about Jenna. The tendency to detest outright harm is also there. That apart from Jenna, such a logic is actually far more wide-reaching for them both. :)
And interestingly enough, the final poetry might be a measure on how Eidan and Lucan are not meant to be. Existence wise of course. ;)
- From the RH. :)
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 2 . 8/4/2012
The interactions between Jenna and Eidan were cute, though I'm not sure how I feel about the opening exchange. The stubborn princess going against the desires of her parents is a well-used convention, so unless it gets turned on its head in some way, you might want to consider another approach. I enjoyed a number of descriptions throughout, especially the mangled fork and the appearances of the characters, and I think you could afford to splash more of it around. Another thing I would recommend is looking for straight-forward sentences and seeing if you could transform them into something that means the same and gets the same message across, but utilises colourful, descriptive language. Think of the second paragraph of your first chapter, and see if you can apply the same style to other parts of your story.
I shall now don my editing-pants:
"NO, I AM NOT OKAY!" - there's nothing technically wrong with capitalising for higher volume, but you should trust your audience to hear the loudness of the yell through just an exclamation mark. You do see a lot of people capitalising their shouts nowadays, though I just think it looks a little...unprofessional. J.K. Rowling is to blame, really.
'her parents did nothing but look at each other's faces and sigh' - you could probably cut out the 'faces' here.
'It was obvious what was fabricating through their minds right now' - to fabricate means to come up with something purposely false, so I'm not sure if it's the word you want to employ here.
'but she blamed it on the fact that the dining room was huge' - perhaps you could give us some details about the room, the style of people's clothes, etc. Information like this helps establish the time period (or period of time on which the world is based) as well as the culture to which the characters belong.
'By the Gods, she was hungry' - if we're talking many gods, then it shouldn't be capitalised.
'"I suppose I should..." she smiled back, rubbing her tired eyes' - her exhausted state just seems to appear a little too suddenly. Perhaps you could give a few lead up hints to her state of tiredness.
I liked the inclusion of Jenna's fear of the dark. It's small little additions like this that help make for well-rounded characters. Cheers for the read.
| Deranged Dairy Products chapter 1 . 8/4/2012
This opening scenario does a number of things well: it earns the reader's attention quickly (as most 'about to die' situations do), it introduces the personality of the character's nicely, and it has the reader asking many questions in regards to what this fantasy realm is and what past these two have shared. I liked the ambiguity of the ending and the surrounding townsfolk. One thing I noticed was some inconsistency between the second paragraph and the rest of the chapter. While it's nice to start things off with some descriptive writing, you also have to be mindful that a precedent has been set, and it just seems like the remainder of the chapter was a little bare when compared to the opening, which was heavy with metaphors and pathetic fallacy. I would suggest either cutting down a bit at the start, or sprinkling similar imagery throughout. The latter would probably be more effective.
Some other things I noticed:
'They had their backs to each other, bound to a wooden pole between them. Constricting ropes secured them onto the splintered pole' - I think you could combine this information. Perhaps "They had their backs to each other, bound by constricting ropes to a wooden pole between them". Splintered means to be broken into pieces, so maybe you could use another word, though I guess the amount of splinters the pole has isn't really necessary to understanding the story.
'Despite being in a horrid position right now' - I think you could afford to use something more impactful than 'horrid'. It seems like a bit of an understatement when you're about to be put to death.
'This was the problem with her friend. He was often too easily annoyed and the slightest words could turn his mood the other way around. Right now, she could almost imagine his pale eyes practically sending daggers at whatever he was staring at' - it just strikes me as odd that he would act so snidely when he's about to die. Even if it's one of his more prominent no one wants to spend their last minutes engaging in pointless debate. I always like characters like this, though perhaps you could introduce this particular trait through some other means. Of course, it could just be me who's thinking this. Take my advice with a clump of pepper.
'They fell into silence after that, each of them lost in their own thoughts' - what were they thinking about? This could be a good opportunity to allow us into the head-space of the characters.
'She didn't want to die' - I like the repetition here. Really hammers home the point. I would suggest even repeating it a few more times for effect.
There were some issues with punctuation (nothing that held up the story), but I'm not the sort to point out tiny things like that unless the author specifically says they want to hear it. All in all, good opening.
| ohsocyanide chapter 3 . 8/4/2012
I'm thinking that the letters in italics are probably things - or people maybe, I dunno - from Eidan's past or whatever, and they want him to remember.
I'm hesitant to call him a vampire, but the pale skin and the effects of the sun - could that be it? The mystery of his past is interesting, too. I'm looking forward to seeing how that pans out.
| levisama chapter 38 . 8/4/2012
THIS WAS SO CUTE. I'm so glad Jenna and Eidan are becoming closer now! I really love how their relationship is slow. It's the 38th chapter and they're only beginning to confess their feelings for each other. It makes everything so much sweeter and realistic because not all romances are quick and easy like in some stories.
Zeph and Eidan were funny in this chapter too. I hope they get more moments together in the future because it'll be cool to see them become friends. I think Eidan needs more friends rather than just having Jenna for his only friend.
| levisama chapter 37 . 8/4/2012
It's been a while since I've read and reviewed this story so expect a few reviews from me in the next couple of days! :)
This chapter was so emotional and I really loved how you wrote Jenna's character. If you compare her from the first chapter of this story and to now, she really has developed a lot as a character and I'm really glad for that. The development has been slow but you've done a good job of making it very realistic. I'm growing really attached to these characters because you write them so well and yes I did nearly cry at this chapter!
| ohsocyanide chapter 2 . 8/4/2012
Hiii! I actually read this chapter whilst waiting for my packages to arrive in the mail - lucky for me, it ended just as the mail truck pulled up! Yay! :)
So, I already really want Jenna and Eidan to be together. Like, I want him to have made her a ring. I want him to propose and then they can run away together and be happier than anything in the world. Also, I really like the spelling of Eidan that you used. It's like Aiden. . . but with the "a" and "e" switched around. *dazzled*
All I really want to do is gush about Eidan, because he comes off as being so cool and adorable and it's such a painfully obvious "just friends" setup. I can sense the distance between the two. It's grown as they have, and I feel like royal obligations and the fact that he's never going to be good enough for her probably set Eidan off.
I really liked this! :)
| Writing In Ink Forever chapter 41 . 8/4/2012
Wow. That was awkward. xD
Poor Jenna. She never has the best plans, now does she?
Poor Zeph. Though, I should probably say poor Jenna, Eidan, and Mana. They have to repeat something that they've heard over and over again.
| Winter Blaze chapter 1 . 8/4/2012
This may just be the beginning, but I love your imagery. A lot of people overdo it, but yours works very well. I also think the way that you depict your two characters is excellent - the reader doesn't get so much as a name, but the personalities just shine through.
Honestly, I can't think of single thing I don't like about this. Good job - that's extremely rare for me.
| M.R. Hill chapter 18 . 8/4/2012
- NO! NOT ZEPH! D: This sucks :(
- Celestes awakens, huh? Well, shit's about to get serious! I'm kind of on the edge of my seat here.
- And I'm liking the royal show from her! Nice shows of authority work well with me when done right, especially when reviving a character who I enjoy. Beyond that, the exchanges between Zeph and Eidan are great XD I can see this being all more interesting with all 3 of them on the same side. Of favorites between lines, got to highlight whole "You kidnapped her" "You were trying to kill her" etc. thing. Favorite part. XD
- Ironically, while I'm an amazing strategist, I suck at guessing the future. However, with the earlier scene compared to all I'm thinking now, I don't think that will happen as it appears. Or more I don't think it'll be her end.
- Zeph right now, not that I got anything against Eidan. I've just a bias towards thieves ;p
- Chapter IS a bit on the long side. I mean, I can understand why and all, but was starting to get little tired during the final stretch. Still, your mythology forming here is enthralling to me! Glad they got the airship and I'm pretty up there for Earth Kingdom. While tad tired at moment to read more at sec, I'm going to try and hit up some more tomorrow. Until later, Franny! :D
| DutchAver chapter 41 . 8/4/2012
Caelum and Celeste being in separate bodies from Eidan and Jenna strongly reminds me of our crackfic. I do believe it was your idea to have Caelum and Celeste being twins of Eidan and Jenna, so... I wonder how long you've had this idea. Probably for a long while already.
I love Jenna's naiveté in this chapter, how she makes a plan and immediately assumes that everyone will follow her. You are incredibly good in keeping her in character, and I love it.
And yay, Zeph is finally going to find out about the curse! I wonder about his reaction and how he is doomed to die. I wonder what would've happened there if Celeste hadn't healed him at the very last second - would he have been killed?
I wonder why they can't trust Lucan, and if him being a clone has got anything to do with it. (You shouldn't trust him. He might be Busgirl's mole. Oh, I'm sorry) Also, why do they owe Ethel something? It seems as if she's the big bad behind it all. After all, Grace is Jenna's clone - so what is Ethel, Eidan's other sister? Is she a reincarnation too, and has she somehow been responsible for this curse? Is she just playing with Eidan and Jenna?
You surely love leaving us with questions. I have two mistakes for you:
'Grace was clone?' Grace was A clone
'knowing full well that it hers. ' that it WAS hers
Anyway, I'm off now - I just wanted to review this before I left on my holiday trip :) See you in two weeks _
| Vernelley chapter 41 . 8/3/2012
New chapter yayayay 8D
LOL Jenna is just so... Jenna at the start of the chapter XD And yeah I think Caelum and Zeph would definitely get along so well. Both so jerkish XD And he's like "Ah yeah by the way there are clones everywhere and we're all cursed but yeah whatever." And I wonder exactly what happened between Ethel, Gwen and Morgan? Since they say they're not indebted to her anymore... maybe she did something for them before? Idk.
Sobs nooo I still don't think Lucan is evil e_e And lol I'm sure Zeph will love seeing three people with Eidan's face. Maybe that's why he doesn't want to go to Marniolle afterwards XD
There is so much tension between Caelum and Celeste still. Ugh. But I like how you can see Caelum's still got a soft spot for Celeste even if he's all grumpy and aggressive with her. It makes him very human. So does his tendency to avoid his problems, like Eidan, even though Eidan's not human either, but it's a human tendency. And Celeste seems very human as well, since all the guilt from what she's done is still plaguing her and she does seem to feel some remorse for it. And she is still in love with Caelum. Er. I think. I hope they resolve it soon because I'm sure they would be a sweet couple if not for the same reason Caelum sort of hates Celeste.
Agh poor Zeph. Death is flirting with him and he doesn't even know what's really going on. I hope he doesn't die. But then I don't really want anyone to die and someone's bound to.
I think it really is sad how much Ophelia has changed since they used to say she was an earthbound angel and gentle and everything. Now she's just like RAHH IT'S CELESTE I AM GOING TO RIP HER APART AND TURN THE SEA RED WITH HER BLOOD or something. Of course it's understandable after what Celeste did but it's just really sad that her personality's basically gone from one end of the continuum to the other.
Anyway I'm excited for the next part! Sounds like you're really excited to write it so I'm sure it must get quite intense.
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 41 . 8/3/2012
Ohmigod, it's Caelum and Celeste in the flesh! :D So much greatness must arise from this!
["Oh, and Grace is also your clone!" Caelum added, hiding his smirks with useless coughing. "He forgot to tell you that as well."
"Caelum, shut up-"] - Caelum's my favorite.
Wow, that was crazy. I swore I thought Zeph was finally going to die (but, of course he is, just not now :(). It was really cool thinking that these people are "hosts" and not just our friends Jenna, Eidan, Mana, and Zeph. I love how little details show up like Zeph's scars on his cheeks and how the gods know exactly what's gonna happen. But, what's cool about knowing is you never really know exactly how it's gonna happen! Ahh, sooo cooool.
I know this seems so typical of me to say, but this gods-human bodies thing reminds me of Avatar. Okay, I won't say it again. -_-
Wow, so Caelum sort of kind of kidnapped Celeste, Zeph's confused as fuck, and everyone's going to a bar? Excellent!
Seriously, I'm just as excited to see where this story goes as you are writing it.
P.S. I find it awkward when the gods use the f-bomb. XD
| CharilMZ chapter 29 . 7/21/2012
fffffffffff Jenna baby :( :( :(
(i actually got tears in my eyes wtf)
I've been reading your story for a while (on my phone, at work fml) and I LOVE it so far, but I just had to comment on this chapter because aaaaaaa the emotion you put into it is just amazing. I LOVE the way you've handled the story so far, especially Jenna's character. She's matured so much already, but she still sticks to her core traits so her maturation actually seems real and believable.
Your story is awesome and you should feel awesome, is what I'm saying.
| mingsquared chapter 40 . 7/19/2012
I like Grace and Lucan's relationship, and how he's opening up to her. There just seems to be a kind of connection here. I hope they get together.
So now that Jenna and Eidan woke up, I assume their curse was fixed? Ahh I'm losing my memory of the previous chapters. See this is what happens when you don't update fast enough. :[
But anyways, now they need to get back into action. Mana's vision about the Air Kingdom collapsing onto the Earth Kingdom sounds very problematic. I wonder how they're going to deal with it. Are we going to see Morgan and Gwen again? They're just awesome haha. Great chapter. I hope you can update sooner.