|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Animel chapter 18 . 6/10/2012
I am only halfway through this chapter so far so I can't answer all of the questions at the end yet though I'll come back and edit it if I remember without being too distracted by more chapters!
I just had to write in to say how surprised I was that Celeste herself showed up and what a wonderful twist that is! It should have been obvious and makes perfect sense in retrospect that she would become an actual character and have the same place as Caelum knowing their joint curse, but I didn't see it coming. And typically I see most things coming in stories, which is part of the reason I've been so enjoying yours.
There is one detail that is a major point of contention for me, though. I know that she fought with her parents, but that to me cannot explain why Jenna has had almost absolutely no grief for her father, particularly when she could be so bothered by the death of Zeph. For many chapters this has been bothering and confusing me, but now with this one, especially with the note about Celeste not accepting death, I find it to be a big mistake to just breeze over the death of one parent and statue-ing(?) of the other.
2. I have to finish the chapter before I can figure that out.
3. Maybe they can each take control and actually meet and realize they're in love still and somehow everything will be magically solved because love conquers all? Huh? No? Anyone...? Anyone? *sigh*
4. Zeph, actually, although I want her to end up with Eidan. I'm a loyal gal, they belong together.
| Animel chapter 14 . 6/10/2012
Well, you don't need math to be a great writer!
I love how you've totally turned a typical expectation of an air kingdom on its head, with everything from the colors to its vileness. In doing so you've created a surprising world uniquely your own.
In the last chapter I loved the evolution of Caelum and Eidan's interaction and how Caelum became a more legitimate character for whom the reader could finally feel empathy as opposed to just being this force of evil. Obviously it's a terrible dilemma for poor Eidan, but we forget that Caelum has his reasons as well and just as much of a trapped situation.
I also really liked the way that the first part fooled me in this chapter. Having nearly forgotten about Grace by this point (don't worry, only nearly!) I assumed it was Jen speaking, which made for a sneaky reintroduction of that character. Well done.
| Animel chapter 12 . 6/10/2012
Zeph is my favorite character so far.
The interaction between him and Jenna are priceless, especially with the addition of the manacle, which put the situation over-the-top.
The plot and characters are formed flawlessly, but at times the writing itself doesn't quite live up to how amazing the story its telling is. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's as though the writing is a bit hurried. Even one more step of editing where you just read it through again could help a lot. I'm sorry that's not more specific, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I really, wildly enjoy this story though. I appreciate how much thought you've put into the names as well, it adds another layer to take details like that into account.
I miss Eidan, too, which is why I'm rushing towards the next chapter right away!
| DutchAver chapter 38 . 6/6/2012
Jenna thinking so philosophically shows that she's grown up since the first chapter. I can't help saying it :)
Jenna finally remembering her precious friend feels a bit... rushed. I can't really explain it: it's like 'Eidan and Zeph doing their things at Eidan's place, and then, oh, right, there's Jenna remembering Eidan as well. Okay, now let's go back to the interesting part of the chapter'. It should feel heartwarming, but it doesn't really because it's done so quickly. No idea how you should fix that, though.
I do understand it's important - I presume that the war Morgan and Gwen will be starting will happen in the sequel? *Shivers* They're scary.
When Ethel showed her jealousy of Jenna, I suddenly realized how bizarre that is. (In a good way, don't worry :) ) Ethel is jealous of her brother's girlfriend because she wants to be with her brother. Ahem.
The ending was, as usually, very sweet. For a second, I feared that there would be drama between Jenna and Eidan and a fight, but Eidan himself solved it nicely and in the most 'aww' way possible. Nicely done! I do agree with Eidan that they're not ready yet for going any further in their relationship, but it's nice to see that they're both going for always and forever. (It sounds a bit like Rooting for Romance, the promise between Yuri and Ellen... 'we're going to be best friends forever' :) )
I also remember the hints you've thrown in... about character death, and you've once fearfully said 'what if Lucan and Grace aren't the ones who are going to die?' I'm not going to make any theories(Jack / Kana) but I do say that what you said makes me a bit afraid of the fate of the happy couple... maybe one of them is going to die? Or maybe they'll both have to die? It's all speculation and I'm not going to form any theories ;)
Please, please, please, don't let the next chapter take as long! And keep writing! It's quite impressive how you manage to write Caelum, even after the three of us butchered his character completely xD
| mingsquared chapter 38 . 6/4/2012
I wonder what Morgan and Gwen is going to do for payment. Jenna should've asked if there was a catch. If it's too good to be true, then it probably isn't.
[Then, he heard rushed footsteps and he turned around to see Jenna diving towards him. Eidan managed to catch her just in time, embracing her back as she gushed at how long it took them to get back and how worried she was and how she thought Zeph had murdered him.
"-and Eidan, Eidan, EIDAN!" Jenna jumped up, her face animated and excited. "Guess what? I got my – WHAT IS THAT?"]
I think you meant to add a break between the two paragraphs. It's just awkward without one.
Another great chapter. I look forward to seeing Morgan break the curse.
| Victoria Best chapter 37 . 6/4/2012
This was a great chapter! I LOVE LOVE LOVE it, especially all the interesting psychological questions it poses about human nature. I cannot believe they started that war with Ascantha just because they were bored and wanted entertainment! That is just shocking. I am always so amazed by your vivid imagination. You have created an incredible world, which is completely unique and mesmerising. I also love the philosophical ideas you develop in this chapter, for example "You strive for freedom and flory and yet when you grasp it, you let it tear your insides apart. It sickens me whenever I see your kind wallow about sadness and heartbreak when in the end, you were the ones who brought it upon yourselves." That was brilliant! It's an interesting philosophy, and although I don't quite agree with it, it clearly showed Gwen is quite a damaged person and only sees the cruelty in the world, not the colours of it. I even pity her to some extent. She is a fantastic character, and I'm going to talk more about her later. In addition, again I am amazed by your vivid imagination. You actually created this whole world? How on earth did you do that? I love how Morgan has two bodies. It's such a unique idea and makes him such a memorable character, and I don't think I have ever seen that in a story before. I think I am going to dedicate a whole section to them two later :')
I like the development of relationships in this chapter. Mana was so nice to Jenna! She really made her feel so much better, comforted her and cheered her up. I didn't really know what to think of her at first, but I really like her now. She is such a sweetie! She is a genuinely good person, which are pretty rare in this story, what with the amount of people who are fighting against them. Jenna's emotions were captured brilliantly throughout the scene with her parents. It was truly heart-breaking. I feel so sorry for her. I just want to give her a big hug :'( She has suffered through such a traumatic past, and has lost the two people closest to her. You made her show some very real emotion there, making her someone we can really relate to and empathise with, and we finally got to see how the loss of her parents has directly affected her and see and understand her true emotions. It was beautiful. She is really developing as a character. The fact that she stood up to Gwen near the end of this chapter proves she is growing up, learning to stand her ground, and has learnt so much about life and the world from all her adventures. "I'd rather die than not live at all." Well said, Jenna! That was brilliant! I was cheering for her all throughout that part :') She is absolutely right. What is the point of living if you are not going to act alive?
Speaking of antagonists, (Well, they are antagonists to some extent) damn Morgan and Gwen are creepy. Yay, I am talking about them now! They are beyond creepy. They are like unnerving, disturbing, nightmare-inducing creepy. It's strange how they view their curse as a gift. I get the feeling the rest of the world would see their "Gift" as a curse; only they believe they have been blessed. They are kind of ignorant and naive, perhaps just oblivious to the cruelty of their own situations because they are blinded by the power that it brings. They are so unfeeling and callous they simply don't care about seeing the world or developing as people. They are perfectly happy to sit smiling in their thrones and watching wars unfold, as long as it means they can come out the other side with a fistful of diamonds. It got me when Jenna asked her "Doesn't it get lonely?" and it's obvious Gwen is too dead inside to care about loneliness. She probably doesn't even know what it is. In her head she is perfectly fine and powerful, and that's all she cares about. I think they are genius characters, and you have written them so brilliantly. It's compelling to watch them and I just can't work them out or guess what their next move will be; they're unstable, dangerous and it's hard to tell whether they are good or evil, whether they will rip Eidan and Jenna apart or help them break their curse. Although, they're probably so bored they will genuinely help them, as long as it provides some form of entertainment, even for just a short time. It's pretty creepy stuff.
Another brilliant chapter and I cannot wait to read more! I cannot wait to see what Zeph and Eidan are going to do. You are such a talented writer and are a real inspiration. I cannot believe how incredible this story is. Keep writing and following your dreams! :D
| Writing In Ink Forever chapter 38 . 6/4/2012
I LOVED this chapter! Oh my GOODNESS! Yay for Jenna! She got her memories back!
I love how she pointed to Zeph first hand. Lovely. That made me laugh. Zeph deserved that little snid bit though.
Gwen and Morgan are starting to scare me... XD Poor Jenna. I felt sorry for her then.
But all in all, good Chapter. I missed seeing Punumbrea and clicking on it ti read. :P
| Viva-la-Mylo chapter 38 . 6/3/2012
Lmaoo I'm In love with zeph ! I can't believe Jenna did that! It's gonna come back and bite her in the ass and Eidan! D;
| Vivace.Assai chapter 38 . 6/3/2012
Another update! And it's really long... Oh dear... Not to say I don't love your stories... But the length... *No breath, H- Vivace. Breath, Vivace (so shocked by the chapter length that I almost revealed my real name)* Okay then. Let's do this!
[- N] Yep... FictionPress definitely has issues right now and it's somehow decided to target your chapter titles. You should look into this, ma cherie...
[The world was instantly plunged into darkness.] You don't need the "was" here... It kind of doesn't make sense. *shyly adds* Kind of.
Oh wait. I just remembered something. You once mentioned to me there is a reason why Eidan and Zeph couldn't go together to Balandria. I'm now starting to wonder why. Is it because they will strangle each other and kill each other? Or is it because Morgan knows the two will discover that they actually love each other and abandon both Jenna and Mana forever and ever? I'm betting all my money on the latter option. It's totally true. My fanfiction about the two's pre-prom night (by the way, I attended prom to write the next part in this series... so I'll get to it eventually - like possibly in August) proves that this is possible. Oh wait. I shouldn't have written that on a review. Now people reading this will be worried about my sanity after testing.
Oh. CAELUM IS BACK! It's been quite a long time since we last heard of him what with all the drama with Jenna. In fact, I almost forgot about him. But hearing from Caelum again is great in showing the contrast between Eidan and Caelum - Caelum is more eager to kill to get what he wants... Eidan is more uncertain and cautious...
['I will forever love eating'] - I'm one of those people... Jenna knows me so well.
Jenna definitely needs to have a talk with a woman known as Yuki Ichihara. For every wish, you must pay a price. And well, Jenna definitely paid her price to remember Eidan again. A war? That's insane. And for entertainment, too? I'm really starting to not like Morgan and Gwen. They are pitiful in a way but their lack of compassion is completely annoying. They are interesting characters, though, and I like how you have them be in that limbo between sympathetic (for their ignorance) and cruel (for their ignorance). I wonder what's going to happen with those two but I'm now worried for Jenna and her country. I wonder what will happen in the future when Morgan and Gwen decide to wage war...
Oh BIG DOG! AND IT'S ATTACKING EIDEPH! And why did I sound excited by this? Well, it was a really intense scene and you did really well in showing the gravity of the situation. The horror and the urgency of the situation are all clear, and I feel a sense of fear and apprehension for the two. I'm not sure if they can make it and I'm not entirely certain if they will survive unscathed. It doesn't help that Zeph is basically useless. So overall, the circumstances you set up were really nice in getting the intensity of the situation obvious and capture my interest.
Anyways, that last scene between Eidan and Jenna was really adorable. I loved how Eidan was confronting his fears and actually talking about his feelings with Jenna. One of the great things about this story is how the emotions are SLOW developing and pretty realistic. It shows how the characters are starting to understand more about themselves through understanding their feelings for each other.
Overall, another nice chapter! I'm really enjoying this story. Can't wait for the next update!
| Vivace.Assai chapter 37 . 6/3/2012
I’m back and ready to start reviewing again!
So normally I write the review as I go along. Thus, you get a play by play of my emotions and thoughts as I read as the chapter. However, this chapter was too intense that I just read it straight through without any pause (except to get food… since I like food). And normally I’m in an excited state while reading the chapter. However, this chapter was too mellow and depressing for that to happen. Plus, testing has drained an extensive amount of energy from me (by the way, hope the GCSE exams went okay for you). Anyways, this was basically a long-winded explanation to say: this review is going to suck…
I find that this chapter was rather emotional and I loved it for that. You really delved into Jenna’s emotions really well. From the beginning, you developed Jenna’s shock and denial at what she is about to do. This then gives great set-up for the breakdown she has later on in the chapter. And I liked how you showed her foreboding: [Her eyes widened and she gasped aloud, her body shaking almost instantly] – a great way to say how terrified she was considering the actions are normally assumed ones when someone is freaking out.
Furthermore, I loved how Jenna’s character developed and grew so much in this one chapter. Her realization at how spoilt she was and her understanding how much her parents loved her – all of this are key developments. As she stared at her parents and cried telling them sorry and thank you, I seriously felt like crying. For all that Jenna did in the first few chapters (i.e.: being irritating), she has really grown from her travels and sufferings. She is starting to understand her place in the world better and she’s becoming more than a reluctant princess – she is becoming a committed individual, ready to take action and make a difference in the world. And I love this chapter for that development since it adds more “colors” into Jenna’s character and makes her truly real. She makes mistakes but she learns from them and that’s the point most people want their characters (and themselves) to reach. So great job with Jenna’s development! :)
I really like how you delved into Mana’s character, too. Thinking about it, I don’t really know much about her on a more serious level (I know enough about how she feuds with Zeph). But it was nice to see her and actually see her as a character not bound by her god’s past. She doesn’t want Ophelia to rule her life and I find that great to see in a character – it shows endurance and resilience. Furthermore, this makes her relationship with Jenna and Eidan a lot less complicated. Furthermore, hearing about all that Ophelia’s reincarnations have suffered lets me see how horrid this curse.
And that discussion between Jenna and Gwen! Wow! I really love how each of the characters have their own point and it was a pretty tense conversation, too. I could see both of their tempers flaring up and I could also see Jenna’s realization about Gwen. I do pity Gwen in a way but she also scares me, too, with how sadistic she is. I’m curious to learn more about Morgan and her. If not in this story then hopefully in the sequel you’re planning. *cough*hint*cough*hint* ;D
But that last statement… wonder how Ethel is going to prove emotions to be a downfall (though I really do disagree with that last statement by Ethel – I’m shouting at her: HAVE YOU READ “THE GIVER”? By the way, if you haven’t read “The Giver” yet, you should – it’s amazing and insightful yet it’s supposed to be for children).
Thanks for the great read!
P.S.: FictionPress has made massive changes on its formatting and capabilities as you may know (covers for stories might be possible in the future)... And I noticed it basically ruined all your formatting with the chapter titles...
| Animel chapter 1 . 6/1/2012
Dear goodness I hope that is not the genuine end.
Okay, I always try to include a constructive criticism or at least an edit so that the review is helpful, but I'm sorry-you've stumped me.
I love this, I love this, I love this. I wish I wrote it. It's so packed with emotion and I find myself caring about the characters so deeply after one little chapter. You give just enough of everything without overdoing it-setting, background, etc. is all done subtly yet effectively. There's sufficient to understand exactly what's going on without anything being heavy-handed or obvious.
Like I said, I'm sorry this review can't be helpful, but when I read the opening chapter of something and know I'll be captivated until the end and am practically in tears from the raw emotion without even knowing the history, a story is beyond my help.
You had better keep writing. Or I'll track you down. :P I guess I have a lot of chapters to keep me busy for a bit, though.
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 7 . 5/27/2012
I really liked your descriptions and the mystery tone you gave out at the beginning and the end. It was really great fantasy undertones with the chapter. And your characters are slowly growing in my head so I'm really enjoying them. :) nice job
| Arroim chapter 12 . 5/27/2012
[but even from the short distance; she could see he harboured many scars]
The semicolon is incorrect here. No punctuation is necessary but you could use a comma if you wanted.
[all of them brandishing the colours of the Air Kingdom. Cream and brown.]
A semicolon would work better than the period after 'Air Kingdom' here, I think.
[praying to the Gods above that that door was indestructible.]
'That' is repeated here and causes a little confusion. It's also a little clunky. Consider changing one of the thats to 'the'.
[the boy finished his sentence lamely]
This need to be capitalised because it is not a speaker tag.
[Without looking back, he sheathed his sword back in place]
This part feels redundant. Putting the sword in its sheath is putting in back in place. Consider removing ' back in place'.
I love the action in this chapter and the descriptions were great. I could very easily picture them in an airship before you even explained that's where they were. I imagined it to be similar to the inside of a train but louder.
The action was great. I liked the short fight with the large man. It felt hectic. I like how Jenna acted, it seemed to fit with her character.
There are definitely plenty of questions raised in this chapter and I liked that too. Who is Zeph? Why was the large man after him? What does he need with Jenna? How did Jenna get from the town to here? Really a lot of interesting and exciting things happening. Can't wait for more. [:
| Arroim chapter 11 . 5/22/2012
[For most people, the first thing you would notice]
The 'you' doesn't fit here, since it's directly addressing the reader. Consider changing it to 'they' so it matches 'people'.
[Many books lay on the shelves, each one neatly standing on its place.]
The first clause contradicts the second. They can't be laying if they're standing.
[They both sat down on the large dining table]
Were they sitting 'on' the table or 'at' the table? From the context, 'at' would make more sense.
[From behind the white lace that enveloped around her]
It feels redundant to have 'enveloped around' because they carry the same idea. You could remove 'around' to improve it.
[It wasn't his problem and therefore he refused to think no more of it.]
This means the opposite of your intention. As it stands now, he refuses to not think of it, meaning he wants to think about it. You could change the 'no' to 'any' or remove 'no more' or change 'refused' to 'decided'.
And we finally get to see Lucan and Lacie again. I liked this chapter for a couple of reasons. Firstly, you left an exciting scene with Jenna and Eidan and switch to this, making the reader more anxious and curious about them. Based on the last chapter, we know four more days have passed since 'the event' so that makes things even more exciting.
I also like how we can a glimpse inside Lucan's head. There's definitely something there between him and Jenna but it's unclear exactly what that is. Lucan is obviously willing to risk a lot to find out if she's safe. We also get a glimpse of Lacie too. She's definitely someone who doesn't want to talk about the curse and things. She seems to want to pretend it didn't happen.
Another thing I liked was the machine arrows. I thought that was a neat idea. I can see them playing a certain role in the future.
The only real issue I have is that Lucan has to risk death to leave. Why can't he simply walk out of the palace? He's the prince, shouldn't he be allowed? Is he trying to sneak out? Why not change clothes and sneak out the "backdoor" then? I felt like the ending part was a little rushed or under-explained.
Overall, a good chapter. [:
| Arroim chapter 10 . 5/20/2012
[If she happened to see a commoner walking in the streets, their faces would tell her]
I feel like saying 'their face' would flow better and make more sense since you're only talking about one commoner.
[Jenna sighed, pulling the dull curtains close.]
Typo here. Should be 'closed'.
[a table, a window, a (rather small and cramped) bathroom, a toilet and a bed]
The specific mention of a toilet is unnecessary because you've already mentioned the room has a bathroom attached. Consider removing the mention of the toilet.
Ack! Again with the exciting ending. Even though the story is well under way, I'll answer your questions anyway.
1. I thought the first part had a decent pace. It really helped set up the characters and situation. It established them enough so they're actions towards the end made sense, even when they were surprising. There were a few things that could have been fleshed out a little more but there's still time for that.
2. I have no predictions for the future.
3. I guess my favourite character so far is Grace. She's mysterious. She has a decent background and feels real. She's developed enough to understand her past with Eidan and what most of her motives so far have been. Then again, it's unclear why she would kill the King or what her role is, exactly.
4. Least favourite character has been Lacie. She comes across as selfish and isn't as developed as the other characters so far. Of course it's still early in the story so it could all change but as it is now, she's a weak character compared to some of the other ones.
5. Eidan is better because he's more developed. We haven't really had a chance to see things from Lucan's perspective, although it seems like there's more to him than meets the eye. There's been hints of his personality and he seems a lot like Eidan in some respects.
Anyway, I like the way things are progressing. This is definitely a good chapter. I like the constant struggle Eidan going through. I thought you portrayed that very well. I also like that he still maintains some amount of control, even if it is difficult. Looking forward to more. [: