|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Kobra Kid chapter 5 . 12/11/2010
Okay, I think I have come to some sort of conclusion! Eidan/Grace and Jenna/Lucan are like, mirrors of each other. Ugh, how do I explain this? like, they are the same person, but just different genders? Something among the lines of that...
ANYWAYS, wonderful chapter! Your characters are developing exceptionally well, and I'm SO relieved that Lucan isn't some stuck up Prince who thinks he's superior to everything and anyone. THANK GOD. Also, I'm falling in love with Eidan even more every chapter, haha. He's just a very compelling character, and I enjoy reading about him. Not that I don't like Grace or Jenna, they're great characters, there's just something about Eidan that I love so much. (:
As usual, great job!
Just updated RFTA. Please review it? Thanks! :D
| Darknessfalls-1120 chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
A very good prologue, I love they way this was written. I coule almost feel the emotions present in their voices and the pain that the male speaker held. I couldn't help but feel sad for the couple because because I know of their inevitable end. I can tell from this that this story will be bittersweet yet at the same time, an enjoyable read. I'll be looking forward to reading the rest of this.
Your spelling and grammar are perfect, your sentences flow nicely and I like your word choices. They were simple yet effective.
From the Roadhouse
| Waverly chapter 6 . 12/11/2010
It never occured to me to think that he was a vampire or anything... I guess I thought that those creatures would be to common for you. You have a deviantart? So do I.
| Stanleylouis chapter 5 . 12/11/2010
Hmm, good chapter! Again, I think it runs well. It's not really clogged up by descriptions, although at the moment, the prince sounds a little generic. Maybe some intersting or at least descriptive details about him, what he looks like? Sorry, I just had to find something to point out. Really, I can't see anything that really needs to be fixed. Good chapter! :D
| Stanleylouis chapter 4 . 12/11/2010
So, while I was reading, I had one of those OMG moments. I think it's just me who gets them, but while I'm reading or watching or listening to something (I know, weird, right?) I get really hyper about what's about to happen next! I can't sit still, and I come up with all of these alternative scenes in my head- sigh. Now I sound like I'm crazy. DX
Anyways, I'm just saying that your story is awesome, in that a reader can really get involved in the characters and such. I love Eiden, I can't wait to see what happens next.
Hmm, I'm not so sure about the author's note. I know, silly thing to comment on, right? But... I don't really know if it's in the story's best interests to point out the literary techniques used in the chapters. I mean, I figured out the foils of the characters and everything, but different people may interpret it in different ways, or it may take them longer, or never. It's just how you read it, I guess. Maybe instead you can ask if anyone saw any literary devices? Otherwise (I'm not trying to be mean here, honest :X) it might look like you're looking for recognition.
But I do like that you used foils! Any techniques really improve a story, and I think this was used pretty well... It wouldn't have seemed too obvious if it weren't for the author's note. XD Sorry, I'm kinda beating this AN, aren't I? I'll stop.
Grace sounds interesting. I feel like she's one of the good guys (girls XD) except for how you've mentioned several times that she's sinister, which leads me to think that she'll turn out evil. I'll just have to wait and see...
Anyways, good chapter! I shall read on! (As soon as I get the time XD)
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 12/10/2010
The best thing I can suggest for this chapter is to take out the A/N at the bottom. If you need to point those things out, then something has gone wrong. Saying that, you DON'T need to point them out - let the reader pick up on it themselves, and I think you make it clear enough in the story (maybe a bit too much?). Anyway, another interesting chapter though I do think you could somehow emphasis the awkwardness when they meet the Prince - I know Jenna is a princess and would be polite, but I'd still think, after her reaction to being told she has to marry this guy, she might be a bit stand offish.
[Pure darkness, shadows swirling around the blood red sky. Grey clouds swam, shaped like snakes slithering and battling with one another. Underneath the angry sky was a crumbling kingdom bathing in the age of chaos and bloodshed.] This might just be me but this seems a tad overdramatic; maybe think about toning it down a bit? I don't know. Anyway, yeah, good chapter.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 6 . 12/9/2010
[oh, how sickeningly sweet.
the way you both talk to each other,
smile at each other,
look at each other.
but let me tell you this;
she'll be the death of you. ]
- My absolute favorite! (You know, so far.) Striking, intriguing, mysterious. Can anyone spell brilliant? Y-O-U!
[Jenna fiddled with the silk sheets as she sat up straighter on her bed. She wore a flowing, silk dress the colour of clouds, and it fell around her body like a delicate waterfall. Jenna always wore white.]
- Like the description!
["Well," she leaned closer to him, indicating that he should listen closely, "at first, it was really boring. All of the soldiers refused to leave us, and so we were just stuck there, doing nothing. Then, I made an excuse to go to the toilet to get away from all of them. There was this tavern called 'The Damned Mug' – by the way, don't you think that is a really clever name to call a tavern?"]
- I love how adorable she can be.
[Without missing a beat, Jenna continued. "Prince Lucan followed me into the tavern. But when I got to the toilets, it was disgusting! Utterly vile and horrible and atrocious. Just thinking about it makes me shiver, Eidan! I mean, there was slimy green mould on the floor, the walls, the ceiling – everywhere! And it stank too! Can you imagine such a horrible place?"]
- I think mould should be mold. And I love how she can be adorable in one second and be princessy in the next.
["-and I asked Mother if I could have it cut, but she wouldn't let me. She says my hair is the only thing that makes me look like a lady, and I find serious offence in that. Does she mean that I look like a man?"]
- Hilariously cute.
["No, Princess. You look nothing like a man. I think your mother meant that your hair is your best feature. Seeing as brown eyes are rather common, your hair makes you stand out." Or at least that was what Eidan thought. It was true though. Jenna's hair did indeed make her memorable. It was wild, and long, and well, gold. Her hair trailed down to her waist in untamed waves of bright gold, like the drunken rays of the sun, or a drizzling waterfall of honey.]
- Again, descriptions are amazing.
Okay so another guess.
Penumbrae means half-shadows right? So is Grace Eidan's half shadow? And is the Prince Jenna's?
- Amethyst Penn
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| J. D. Bennett chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Did you write the intros/extros? I love them! They're so dark and haunting, yet they have a bit of a childish air (at least, the intros) which is totally ironic and adds a bit of edge. It's intense.
Jenna is a brat. A TOTAL princess. Haha. That's good. She has that hubris, but we don't hate her. From what I can tell, we're supposed to relate to her and respect her, yet she's flawed. It makes her complex and humanoid, instead of 2D.
Love the name Eiden. I don't know if this is intendend, but in my mind, Eiden sounds like Eden. Is this going to morph into a biblical motif? Could be very interesting.
Sounds like a darker sort of coming-of-age story with maybe a hint of supernatural? Really nice. Keep up the excellent work!
| J. D. Bennett chapter 1 . 12/8/2010
Love the intro. And the outro, as a matter of fact. It sets an intriguing tone to the story.
And just this prologue is just...woah. Intense, and well written. I'm sorry I don't have much to say about it, but WOW. Love it. Next chapter...
(Sorry it's taken me so long to return your reviews!)
| dragonflydreamer chapter 1 . 12/8/2010
I'm not much of a fantasy reader, but this looks interesting!
I like the poem at the beginning. It's not exactly happy, but it has a sweet childish quality to it. Then you get to the last few lines and it's a shock of reality. Great way to set the tone.
Something about the descriptions in the second paragraph felt repetitive. There's a lot of "nothing" and "darkness." Really, the images aren't redundant, but you might want to see what you can do about changing some words.
[he shuffled against their bindings.] I'd avoid using "he" before the person is established. Try "the boy" or "the man." Also, it took me a few readings to realize that "their" meant him and the main character, but that could just be me.
I like the description of the withering plants. "The scent of death" is usually an ambiguous description to me, but it really came alive in association with the plants.
[His voice was quiet but she heard it as if he had just screamed down her ear.] There's a comma after "but." Also, "in her ear" seems to be the more common expression.
[It sounded as if he were smiling, she wasn't entirely sure.] Make the comma a period or a semi-colon.
[and mother would always blame you for it all?] Just missed the end quote there.
[He had never shown weakness before; often being too stubborn to even admit having a weakness.] This semi-colon would just be a comma.
[to watch the demise of the princess and her childhood friend.] Interesting way to work a little information about them in. It's very basic, but completely sets the stage. Sort of making the prologue make sense without revealing too much else. Nice.
As a whole, this is off to a pretty good start! The whole princess-and-commoner-being-friends thing is pretty overdone, but since it's an old idea that you're revising, I'm quite excited to give this a chance. Those old plots from middle school and whatnot are always interesting when written later on.
You did a good job of controlling what information you're revealing for the prologue. It's not one of those overly cliched dark and serious ones attached to every generic fantasy. While it does start fairly vague, you release little bits of information here and there to keep a good balance.
Decent physical description. Like I mentioned above, I really loved that section and it really set the scene for me personally, so even though there wasn't much else, that and the very beginning covered it in my opinion.
As far as characters: I don't know a whole lot about the girl, which is fine so early on. She seems pretty emotionally strong, dignified (not necessarily in a royal way, but as far as her own pride), and maybe a tad sarcastic. I'm sure she'll reveal her character nicely in the chapters to come.
For the boy, at first, I was a bit annoyed that everything about him was just stated, such as "he had never shown weakness" or "he was often too easily annoyed." I'm hoping that as you go back in time with the rest of the chapters, you'll show more about him instead of just telling it.
Anyway, pretty good start. I hope you don't mind my picking it apart. I tend to do that for stories that I think have a lot of potential.
From The Gossip Forum
| Vernelley chapter 6 . 12/7/2010
The start of the chapter was sort of slow, but I like how you have all these hints of Eidan's tension and Jenna's obliviousness. It was also handy how you really briefly recapped the events of the last chapter using Jenna's dialogue. I like how you captured Jenna's character in this chapter. The hair brush thing was amusing, hehe. Maybe the close contact is another element that makes it intriguing.
Grace's appearance was a bit of a surprise, but it was interesting to see how she interacted with Jenna. She's so cutting. Whatever she is, and I'm guessing it's similar to what Eidan is, she obviously thinks she's above humans. Also, it's been mentioned that Grace has something to do with Eidan's past, which he doesn't remember, so maybe that will be explained in the big revelation? I dunno. Eidan's images of Jenna trying to eavesdrop were entertaining, especially because it was realistic.
With the formatting, I thought it worked really well in the beginning, particularly how you separated lines like 'Eidan slowly nodded', 'Eidan shook his head' and 'Jenna's smile turned into a frown.' I just think it had a little dramatic effect.
I only picked out a couple of errors:
it would [be cause] a hassle
-omit either 'be' or 'cause'
"You better do."
-I'm not sure if this is an error; it could just be colloquial.
"What has  got to do with her?"
-I think there should be a word [here], like 'this' or something.
Anyway, great chapter as usual, and the ending was particularly suspenseful. Can't wait to see and hear Eidan and Jenna's reactions. Oh, and another picture, great :) Looking forward to it.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
The poem you used at the beginning was lovely, and a great way to start off the story, I thought. It set readers up for both the mood and the tone, giving them an idea on what was to come.
In the first paragraph, you used the word “darkness” twice, and it sounded repetitive. I think that a synonym like shadows, shade, obscurity, gloom, or mist would enhance the impact of your imagery here.
Your dialogue throughout this was excellent. I though the minimalistic approach you used in regards to tags and modifiers was perfect for the emotion-packed scene you presented. It gave so much more room for the characters’ thoughts to speak for themselves. Instead of telling readers how the words were spoken, you showed it.
The characters were very good, I thought, as well. Their emotions and conversation seemed genuine, and the narrator’s thoughts felt real, as it were.
On the whole, this was a good start. Your writing and tone felt perfect for the setting, and the spot you ended at spurred on the reader to continue.
“She had just about given up on everything.”
- Awkward wording; “She had given up on just about everything.”
“A sigh escaped her lips and she closed her eyes, letting the cold air tickle her face.”
- Run-on sentence; comma after “lips”
“It was cleansing and for a second, she could just about forget all of her troubles.”
- Run-on sentence; comma after “cleansing”
“She could hear him cursing as he tried to loosen the rope but obviously, it was no use.”
- Run-on sentence; comma after “rope”
“Her wrists burned as he struggled and she just wanted to tell him to stop”
- Run-on sentence; comma after “struggled”
“He had never shown weakness before; often [being] too stubborn to even admit having a weakness.”
- Repetitive; remove bracketed word and change semicolon into comma
“She gave a sniff, [so] childish and weak [and] yet she didn't care.”
- Repetitive/run-on sentence; remove bracketed words and put comma after “weak”
“’I miss how things used to be,’ she whispered, her voice breaking twice.”
- Weak prose; “I miss how things used to be,” she whispered. Her voice broke.
“It sounded as if he were smiling, she wasn't entirely sure.”
- Run-on sentence; insert “but” after comma
“Her hand was clutching his so tightly that it [begun] to feel numb”
- Misused word; change bracketed word to “began”
“she gave a soft sigh, letting her [head] scan their surroundings.”
- Word choice; change bracketed word to “eyes”
“The crowd [were] watching them with steady, narrowed eyes and she knew it wouldn't be long until they [begun].”
- Tense/misused word/run-on sentence; “were” becomes “was”, comma after “eyes”, “begun” becomes “began”
| Kobra Kid chapter 4 . 12/6/2010
Okay, the italics at the end are thoughts of a character. Like, for example, this chapter was Grace's thoughts. And they made me wonder why Jenna has to disappear ...
Anyways, great chapter! I love the name Lucan, by the way. Really cool name. I just really hope he isn't your standard snobby, arrogant, all-powerful prince. I hope he's like, human. :/. Also, I love Eidan. He's my favorite character. Since he isn't a vampire, is he a demon of some sorts? 'Cuz that would be sweet. Or if he's not, that's okay too. I'll still love him. Anyways, this was a great chapter! The Prince was introduced, and we have a small flashback of Eidan's past. Hmm... wonder where his sister is now ...
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
The crowd were watching them with steady, narrowed eyes and she knew it wouldn't be long until they begun.
-Edit: "were" should be "was", but I would just suggest getting rid of the whole thing and say "The crowd watched..." and then I'm pretty sure that "begun" should be "began", I noticed, though, that Liana pointed this sentence out too, and it still isn't fixed, but this was really the only noticeable error I saw.
I agree with other reviewers that this first chapter feels scarce in description, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I actually didn't mind the bare minimum of setting, but the bare minimum of character description did kind of get to me-I wanted to know more about the characters just as far as names go, which can get sticky in third person situations because you risk repeating the words "she" and "he" a lot. I also understand that there's fun in mystery, and I'm sure you've kept the identities a mystery for a reason. It just jarred me a little with the third person pronoun repetition.
The dialogue between the characters was fun, though, in a sense that it captured my interest and made me want to know more about what was happening, especially because there was a huge undertone of urgency and fear that certainly pulled me right in. I liked the sense of deep friendship, perhaps even love, between the two introduced characters-it heightened sympathy for both of them which I think is essential with a scene like that.
I also enjoyed your opening line, it was just blunt, but it was also simplistically poetic, and I think it was good to set up that opening setting.
Overall an intriguing first chapter!
| allegro rao chapter 1 . 12/5/2010
I might have to read this one again because even though I liked it, felt like I rushed it. That aside it's the start of a new story and looks like things are getting off to a good one. Obviously as for me this is the first chapter there isn't much to evaluate the work as of now but I'm sure it'll build into something spectacular
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-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse