|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Frayling0 chapter 5 . 11/21/2010
I liked this, I thought it was a pretty sophisticated character study. They're kind of diametric to one another, but at the same time share vital traits. I wonder just what this connection is between them all? There isn't much to say plot wise... Jenna and Lucan seem to be getting along better than expected, though it seems he has his own problems. Great work - you've made an involving story, and I'm hooked :) Luke
| Frayling0 chapter 4 . 11/21/2010
I loved the pent up emotions between Jenna and Eidan at the start what with her arranged marriage. You can tell what they really feel, they just can't say it :( That scene shifted quite positively though, so great range of emotions there. So the prince looks a bit like Eidan, hmm... foreshadowing? Omg I just loved that ending. Mystery woman. Mystery past. Secrets, secrets, secrets. I love it :) Now... onto the next chapter! Luke
| Eiya Weathes chapter 5 . 11/20/2010
I like the little things like:
[What had caused him to run off like a lunatic? All she saw was him and the prince shaking hands, then all of a sudden, Eidan went insane and fled the area like there was no tomorrow. Jenna knew she didn't like the prince, and it didn't occur to her that maybe Eidan wouldn't as well, but that was just plain over-reacting. He didn't need to be that obvious.]
["Stop saying no," she said.
A hint of a smile tugged at his lips. "No."]
- Lala-love this...
[At first, her glare became deeper, but she soon began to return his smile until it grew into a grin. They grinned at each other, silently laughing at the silliness of the moment.
It was strange. Technically, Eidan had only met her just a few minutes ago and yet, it felt as if he had known her his entire life. And yes, that did sound stupid and most likely cliché, but he couldn't help it. She just gave off such an atmosphere that he felt at ease with.]
- Insert dramatic no! here. Hate her Eidan, you belong to Jenna and only Jenna! lol.
[It was like she was Jenna – only with red hair.]
- I'm sorry but I think he compares her too much to Jenna. It's a bit...yeah.
["Hmm… What's a 'rabbit'?" Grace whispered to him, furrowing her eyebrows. "They seem to be serving it a lot here…"
Eidan looked at her weirdly. "It's an animal."
- This made me laugh.
["A duck? Is that not one of those animals with wings? Why would anyone eat them? That is completely atrocious!" A look of disgust flitted across her features and she curled her lips in revulsion.
"Oh, forget this! Let's go somewhere else, Eidan."
Eidan sighed, rolling his eyes. "Aren't you hungry?"
"No. This place has made me lose my appetite."
He resisted the urge to groan.]
- Yes! Eidan be annoyed! Haha.
["There's a play about it in the evening. They always perform the story of the Goddess of Light whenever the sun sets." Eidan remembered watching it with Jenna a couple of years ago. She had managed to force her parents to let her see it – Jenna adored that play.]
- I love that he thinks of Jenna a lot. I find it cute.
["Is this play going to last a long time?" For some reason, his tone was filled with worry, almost as if he was in hurry or something. She looked up at him to find that he had grown fidgety.]
- I wonder why.
["I don't come outside in the night. For some odd reason, whenever the moon rises, I get feverish and ill if I'm ever exposed to it."]
- Intriguing information...
[The Prince turned to her, then back at the moon. He was frowning at it so much that Jenna began to wonder if his eyebrows could go any lower.
"It's… strange… I don't feel any different."
It was Jenna's turn to frown. For a second, she wondered if he had made all of this up, but the sheer amount of confusion in his face stopped that thought. He genuinely looked like he didn't know what was going on.
She patted his back lightly, leading him along the street.
"Let's just go home. It's been a long day."
Jenna didn't need to look at the Prince to know that he wholeheartedly agreed with her.]
Okay so I think Grace and Eidan are from the darkness and the Prince and Jenna are from the light.
The couples are connected to each other, I don't know how but my guess is Eidan can stand the sun when he's with Grace and the Prince can stand the moon when he's with Jenna.
Now, Eidan and Jenna will do the same thing the God of Darkness and Goddess of Light did. They would have a forbidden love...go through trials and such...and finally, the ending. Which I still haven't figured out.
And now, I still think Grace is narrating.
[everything is all messed up,
twisted into something that
you think makes sense, when really,
it's all wrong, eidan.
it's all wrong. ]
- I don't know why, but reading it, I pictured Grace so yeah.
Am I close? PM me :D
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
| flight06 chapter 1 . 11/20/2010
Overall is it an enjoyable piece. Many times when I read FP stuff, I stop I decide, shit this is long, why does the author need to have a 3k word chapter?
The beginning's language is a bit flowery, but I still think it caught my attention. You didn't go overboard there, and thus I continued to read, and intrigued. I would suggest maybe toning down some of the language overall. I don't feel it fit as well as you would have liked.
Also, I'm not sure if you're a newbie writer or someone who's been writing for years, but I found a bit of immature or young writing mistakes:
"but she would never ever think of letting go."
-never ever...enough said.-
"Remember when we always used to sneak out of the palace and mother would always blame you for it all?
"Even though it was always your idea, yes."
-A lot of "always" in these couple of sentences...-
Again, definitely not a bad chapter, but there is certainly room for improvements.
| Vernelley chapter 5 . 11/20/2010
Longish chapter, but it was eventful and pretty dramatic in some parts. I can see a lot being revealed, or starting to be revealed.
thinking it stupid and silly sine they had only technically met for a short while.
-edit: 'stupid and silly [since] they had'
Grace's hand shot up and yanked his hood down.
Well it was also interesting to see the events from both parties' points of view. It was also a good twist, I think, how Lucan is to the moon as Eidan is to the sun, but both aren't really affected now. And they're also somewhat similar in character too. Maybe it has something to do with Jenna and Grace, who are also rather similar?
On a side note, Grace is interesting; she's like Eidan in that she likes the dark, but is a little more passionate about it. Yet she's a little squeamish too. That's how she comes across to me anyway. But as I said, interesting.
Anyway, once again a great chapter.
| Katerzzz chapter 2 . 11/20/2010
From the Roadhouse!
Excellent first chapter. Really enjoyed it as always :)
Love Jenna, good to have a childish character to lighten the mood. Keyboard is dying now, or would have reviewed more :) Keep up the brilliant work :)
P.S: Can you repay back via The Lone Wolf? Cheers :D
| MeAsIAm chapter 3 . 11/17/2010
I think the italics refers to Eiden's past, which concerns the girl he met in the forest, as opposed to Jenna like I had been thinking. It was interesting to read about Eiden, maybe because the earlier chapters have been predominantly about Jenna. Jenna's reaction when they found Eiden was a bit strange, but then again, it completely suited her. By now, the characters have got a definite footing and I like that. Maybe it's just me, but I found some places in the chapter a bit choppy. I can't say that I didn't like the chapter (because I did) but overall, it made me frown a bit, though I think that as the story proceeds, it would be more fluid.
via the roadhouse
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 11/16/2010
On you A/N, now that you've stated everything on the character links, I've actually found out that it makes sense. And yeah, I've noticed them right from the bat. It's just that the link has yet to register in me beforehand. ;) Anyway, I think what you mean by uneventful here seems to be a case of subjectivity. You might think it this way, but at least in terms of Eidan's character, it's definitely eventful. :)
To be honest while my verdict for the other characters is still up in the air albeit Jenna seems to be the typical noble romantic in free love as of now, I'll have to say for sure that Eidan is my current favorite. It doesn't have so much to with his affinity with darkness, which of course will play a big deal in the plot, but rather it's due to the nature of his character coming from this very aspect of the story.
Honestly speaking from the italics, I might see a Romeo and Juliet part two here if you get what I mean. So far I've yet to see anything significant plot wise, but at the very least, you did the character part very well on Eidan's part. Actually now that I've said that, despite both Eidan and Jenna being the two main characters here, so far I can see that the former is the actual star. :)
| dbz 77 chapter 1 . 11/15/2010
So this story starts in media res.
It is interesting that you describe the characters without revealing their names, although I suppose their names are revealed in the next few chapters.
| berley chapter 3 . 11/15/2010
The girl blinked. "Oh. He's not dead, daddy."
- That totally made me laugh out loud. Awesome.
Black silk hugged her body, pooling under her like puddles of midnight ink.
- again, nice description. I really like the imagery I got after reading your descriptions of this girl.
I really liked this chapter! The italics clearly have something to do with Eidan’s past. Maybe the speaker is the girl that he saw in his dream? Or what he thought was a dream? The ending italics were awesome, and a great way to wrap up the chapter. I can tell that dark things are coming, but at the same time it doesn’t necessarily mean that it has to be evil. I guess we will find out!
At first I didn’t like Jenna’s reaction to finding Eidan’s body, but as I read on and thought about it, it really does show a lot about her character. She has this innocence to her, but that does not stop her from being curious about everything she sees. So in the end, I did like it! I think Jenna is pretty cute as a character, but this chapter has definitely turned my attention to Eidan.
brought to you by the roadhouse.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
Great start - I think it works well in drawing the reader in right from the first line and, although you don't explicitly state too much about the characters, the reader still gets a good sense of them throughout this in the way they interact with each other, as well as giving some great hooks to keep you reading. Nothing to really criticise here; i like how you don't reveal their names or why they're there, but give hints towards their past. Nice work.
-from The Roadhouse
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 11/14/2010
Very descriptive, definitely a lovely start! Extremely dramatic towards the end, but that's how I like things ;) I'm not sure if you mentioned her name, *scrolls back up* but anyhow, she does seem pretty childish. Great start!
| Eiya Weathes chapter 4 . 11/13/2010
[you really think the world of her, don't you?
she's like the sun in your darkness,
the only light you can stand to look at.
you replaced me with her,
and that's why she's an obstacle. ]
- I'm guessing this is Grace narrating. Isn't it?
[Pure darkness, shadows swirling around the blood red sky. Grey clouds swam, shaped like snakes slithering and battling with one another. Underneath the angry sky was a crumbling kingdom bathing in the age of chaos and bloodshed.
A girl with hair the colour of running blood; she had tears streaming down her porcelain face.
"No, they can't do this to him! Stop it! He won't remember!"
Another girl, now. Much more composed and mature, with hair so dark, like midnight.
"They have to do it. Or the others will kill him."
"You're his sister! Don't you care?"
The girl with midnight hair bit her lip and turned away, closing her pale eyes.
"Eidan can take care of himself."
A sniff of defeat from the other girl. She covered her brown eyes with small, childish hands.
"But he'll forget about me."]
- Now this, well, I love this. I'm wondering what's going to happen next...
[Jenna and Eidan are completely the opposite. As in, she loves the sun, but he hates it. He loves the darkness, she hates it.
Also, Jenna and Grace are similar in appearance. And they're both linked to Eidan.
AND, Eidan and Prince Lucan are similar in appearance. And they're both linked to Jenna.
And another thing. Jenna and Lucan both have golden hair. And they both wore white in this chapter. Whilst both Eidan and Grace wore black. I know Grace has red hair, but that'll change in a couple of chapters for a reason.
Lucan's name means 'Light'. Jenna's name means 'Heaven'.]
- I noticed them except for the last one. :D
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse and the story, "Of the Hot and of the Random". Ciao.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 3 . 11/13/2010
[Couldn't they see he was busy trying to die?]
- I smiled at this line. :D
[Eidan's eyes flew open and he glared at the girl in front of him. "Leave me alone!" he screamed, clutching his head as it throbbed even more.
The girl blinked. "Oh. He's not dead, daddy."]
- Jenna's reaction made me laugh.
[Jenna leaned back and took her finger off his face. She then pointed to her own cheek. "You have a scratch on your face, Eidan. It wasn't there yesterday."
Eidan's blood ran cold.]
- So it DID happen. I'm intrigued.
[please try to remember,
because your sweet ignorance
is starting to annoy me. ]
- Love these lines. Perfect chapter ending. :)
On to the next chapter. Oh and the PenumBRA thing...I so get that. :))
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse and the story, "Of the Hot and of the Random". Ciao.
| Aspiemor chapter 3 . 11/11/2010
I feel the same way about darkness. Often it is misunderstood and labled as evil. Well it makes sense seeing as the bad guys have to look evil, and what better way than darkness? Of course, darkness could also be an asset to the protagonists.
I think the title could work, I myself sometimes look on the internet for smart names and title, sometimes not knowing what they really mean.
This really raises questions about Eidan, at least to me. I do wonder what is really going on with him? I am sensing a mystcal storyline behind this. Well I suppose I will have to find out won't I? So far you are doing a top notch job.