|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
The crowd were watching them with steady, narrowed eyes and she knew it wouldn't be long until they begun.
-Edit: "were" should be "was", but I would just suggest getting rid of the whole thing and say "The crowd watched..." and then I'm pretty sure that "begun" should be "began", I noticed, though, that Liana pointed this sentence out too, and it still isn't fixed, but this was really the only noticeable error I saw.
I agree with other reviewers that this first chapter feels scarce in description, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. I actually didn't mind the bare minimum of setting, but the bare minimum of character description did kind of get to me-I wanted to know more about the characters just as far as names go, which can get sticky in third person situations because you risk repeating the words "she" and "he" a lot. I also understand that there's fun in mystery, and I'm sure you've kept the identities a mystery for a reason. It just jarred me a little with the third person pronoun repetition.
The dialogue between the characters was fun, though, in a sense that it captured my interest and made me want to know more about what was happening, especially because there was a huge undertone of urgency and fear that certainly pulled me right in. I liked the sense of deep friendship, perhaps even love, between the two introduced characters-it heightened sympathy for both of them which I think is essential with a scene like that.
I also enjoyed your opening line, it was just blunt, but it was also simplistically poetic, and I think it was good to set up that opening setting.
Overall an intriguing first chapter!
| allegro rao chapter 1 . 12/5/2010
I might have to read this one again because even though I liked it, felt like I rushed it. That aside it's the start of a new story and looks like things are getting off to a good one. Obviously as for me this is the first chapter there isn't much to evaluate the work as of now but I'm sure it'll build into something spectacular
Reviews for Varadon will be greatly appreciated and returned. I will try my best to respond
-Allegro Rao via the Roadhouse
| Nenphis chapter 5 . 12/4/2010
Ok, so i finished what u posted so far, i don't think the notes at the end were needed, while reading the similarities become pretty obvious. i really wanna know what this is all about. besides that, i understand u need a lot of build up so it's bearable. it's good so far, u manage to amaze from time to time with some really nice put expressions and phrases which i love. with all that said, carry on :)
| Aspiemor chapter 4 . 12/3/2010
Wow it's gotten a little more complex since I started reading. Well anyway I hope it all comes together at that. I did notice the parrales, especially between Eidan and the prince. Kind of oppsites, black and white, light and darkness and what not. I wonder if there will be a rivalry or something? Well I will have to read on to find out. So far I see a good job in writing this and I can offer no advice.
| Serendipitist Swan chapter 3 . 12/2/2010
I just googled pretty words. They all seem to have not so nice meanings. Desultory means sluggish. Chatoyant means like a cat's eye. I do like Dulcet (sweet) though. Dalliance (a brief love affair) too. I'll have to find an excuse to use them.
I'm really liking the italics. I don't know what they mean and yet, they really enhance the story. This one was so dark and ominous...
So, if not vampires, demons?
| Kobra Kid chapter 3 . 12/1/2010
I think the italics are someone's thoughts - maybe Eidan's. Haha, I don't know. It's 6:34 am and I really need some sleep xD Haha
Oh, and you don't have a weird way of thinking. I'd do the same thing ...
Anyways, onto the review!
Eidan is a very ... compelling character. The silent gentleman, I'd say. You portray him very well & I can get a real feel of who he is. Is he a vampire ? If he is, that'd be awesome! :D If he's not, well I'll still love him.
Oh, and the way you described the red-head girl was great. I could clearly imagine her in my mind.
Great ending, btw! Can't wait to read more! :D
If you don't mind, may you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
| Stanleylouis chapter 3 . 11/30/2010
Ooh, ooh! So is the woman in the forest Jenna's evil shadowy twin? I love stories about twins! Altho that probably isn't it...
Anyways, to the review!
You've got going for you what a lot of other stories are lacking: a strong storyline. It's really very sturdy, and I congradulate you for it! I think it will hold you well. Some things to work on along the way might be character development (I got Eidan's character pretty well, but Jenna's is a little blurry) playing around with the sentance structure, making sure that the dialogue belongs the way it does (sometimes it slips into modern slang, although I don't know the time period, so... also, this includes making sure that each piece of dialogue is COMPLETELY NECESSARY) and working on the tone of the piece, just to give it a little more depth. :) Also, there are some words to look out for, such as using he, him, her, character's name, etc. too often. It's common to use these words too much, but restructuring the sentance can often help with that. :) Those little adjustments can make a story extraordinary!
Oh, also! The word THAT, as used in...
THAT girl on Elm Street
for example, is not really incorrect, but it kind of detracts from the flow of the piece. I caught that usage somewhere, but I can't remember now... I'm sorry :(
I really like your word choice, such as ethereal, and the images you create, with the "pooling around her like puddles of midnight ink". So descriptive! :D Can you add more?
But really, you are ahead of the game if you have a workable, strong storyline, which you do. I can't wait to read on!
~Stanleylouis from the Roadhouse (although I think I'm returning a review... I can't be sure XD)
| Indigo Masquerade chapter 2 . 11/30/2010
Greetings from The Roadhouse.
You've established Jenna's personality very well. Even in the first few paragraphs I had a good idea of who she was. Still trying to decide if I actually like her though. She is rather spoiled and childish, but then again she's a princess, she has an excuse. I have a feeling she has a lot of growing up to do and will become more likeable to me as she does it.
I like how you establish the romantic tension between Jenna and Eiden without being too obvious. It's clear that there's some chemistry there without it smacking you in the face.
I also like your choice of names, very unique without being lame.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 11/30/2010
I'm going to guess that the italics are referring to Eidan, maybe something to do with the girl in the woods who looks like Jenna? I don't know. Anyway, I think you build up this chapter really well - you keep the suspense up throughout and the ending fits in quite well, although I don't know, you could leave out the very last line I think. But it's up to you - thats just personal preference.
I like Jenna breaking into his room and trying to wake him up - it adds another element to their relationship, although I'm wondering, because of the sort of distance he had in the previous chapter, could you maybe include just a sentence about her possibly having woken him up when they were younger? Or him waking her up, perhaps? I don't know. Again, it's just a personal preference thing. Like I said, a really nice chapter and I'll be back to read and review the next one soon.
| AnnieStoryTeller chapter 2 . 11/30/2010
I like how you have flashed back to some months ago, to bring readers into the pulse of what is happening in the story at the moment.
I also liked the way you portray rebellious Jenna's character :) Typical of a Princess to want to marry for love, and not enter into a contracted marriage! :P
Eidan is wrong for her? :( Oh no...and here I was...well, actually the greatest romances are between the wrong people ;)
Good luck with the rest of story. Looks interesting :D
| AnnieStoryTeller chapter 1 . 11/29/2010
FP's writers have just become better and better! :) I like how you used a haiku (is it?) for the start of your story..and then led readers onto the mysterious story of the boy and the girl. :D I was thoroughly impressed at how well planned your descriptions were, and nothing felt missing from the text. I like the dialogue between the two characters. It makes up aware of a few home truths without revealing too much. The perfect blend. I enjoyed reading the first chapter.
~ Gossip Forum :)
| Narq chapter 5 . 11/28/2010
yes, I think the intercutting is necessary too.
It Eidan a vampire and Lucan a werewolf? But why don't they get affected anymore?
Also, Lucan seems to be a really nice guy.
I'm really interested in what will happen next.
Pleae update soon!
| Narq chapter 4 . 11/28/2010
This IS getting really really really scaryily cool!
I think you're talking something major here!
I think Grace is this italics person.
Also, is Eidan a vampire or something?
| Narq chapter 3 . 11/28/2010
I've got a feeling that the italics is from a person who isn't in the story yet. I think that that person is talking about Eidan. He's not human but he lives with them. He can't remember who/what he is.
This is a really really interestin piece and I forgot to review as a read. Hope you don't mind - but that also means that I didn't see anything too bad :P
| Narq chapter 2 . 11/28/2010
I already see a resemblance between the italics part. There's the repetition of 'don't be afraid', and the idea of 'you don't remember'. Hm, intruging.
parents were looking at her
- potential for stronger verbs so this is more powerful.
Her mother looked like she wanted to strangle her.
- careful, you overuse the word "like" and also, I don't think this is appropriate. A mother would never want to strangle her unless you're hinting at an abusive relationship whic hobviously you're not.
Eidan to look at her with wide eyes, raising one eyebrow in confusion.
- the "in confusion" isn't need because because the audience will be confused so we identify with Eidan which means that "in confusion" is redundant (sort of) and the physical hints your giving of him alreayd shows his confusion anyways.
Just wondering, if the princess is to be married off, is appropriate that a blacksmith's apprientice goes visit her at bedtime, alone?