|Reviews for Penumbrae|
| Highway Unicorn chapter 5 . 10/18/2012
HELLO! :D It's been a long time, but i'm back to review more of your story from Roadhouse! :D *reviews as she reads*
That's some women supression going on up in the first section, which sucks setting wise; Your writing is pretty awesome, so don't think i'm ragging on that XD But yeah, it sucks that the guards won't let Jenna go after Eidan cause she's a girl and she HAS to stay with the prince, cause a woman can't possibly be allowed to walk alone. :( But it's good that you add that aspect into your story because that's how a lot of cultures think, especially in a time period like the one this story is based in.
OR I could be entirely mistaken, and she was only kept back 'cause of her mother's wishes. XD
[Grace's hand shot up and yanked his hood down.] OH, she is crafty. :I I wonder what connection she has with him.
["I'll come with you," he offered.] He can't even let her pee on her own?! :( (And I know she was doing it to get away, but still, he doesn't know that.) Right now, he seems kind of caring...a little bit, but stuff like that (controlling stuff) can esculate into hardcore overcontrol...ness... XP I should stop hating on him and continue reading XDDD
Grace doesn't know what a rabbit is? That signals some red flags. OR NOT. Maybe she just never saw a bunny before... :I
Well...it looks like Jenna is somewhat warming up to Prince Lucan...which can be a bad thing for Eidan :( I sense a love triangle approaching, or maybe a love square if Grace goes after Eidan.
I really like how you switched back between Eidan's side to Jenna's side throughout this chapter. We, the readers, got to see all angles of this festival. :D
| Vivace.Assai chapter 48 . 10/18/2012
Can't believe we're almost nearing the end... This story is going to be 60 chapters right? *slightly sniffles at the thought*
But let's just continue with the review...
Eidan with parted hair? I feel the urge to laugh but the depressing mood of this story makes it difficult for me to feel any enjoyment from the mental picture I’m getting. So instead, I’m kind of half-frowning and chuckling as I think about this. But anyways, why do I bring this up? I just wanted to say that it’s obvious but nevertheless interesting that Eidan doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s a definitely surprising change; Eidan is going from a mere commoner to a prince now and that’s just difficult to get used to. Being pampered, being feared, feeling out of place—I immediately understand Eidan’s frustrations because he is evidently used to something simpler and happier. I like how you really show his discomfort by having him think of Alexandria and his past life with Jenna; it is a great way of showing how much he misses her and the world of light. The fact he keeps coming to forest—the most familiar thing to him in this world—shows that his life as a commoner is more pleasant to him, relaxes him more.
["What would be your purpose in life then?"
"Just because I can care for something doesn't mean I'll end up having a purpose in life."
Her voice was sour and when he stared at her from the corner of his eyes, he saw her scowling.
“Everyone needs a purpose in life,” Eidan said.]
- Purpose. PURPOSE. I just had to do a presentation on purpose and existence. In a way, Eidan is right in saying everyone needs a purpose because purpose helps define who you are and your existence. If you don’t have a purpose, then you have no awareness about who you are or what you’re supposed to do; thus, you can’t exist. Grace believes she doesn’t have any purpose, and applying the existence philosophy, this means that Grace doesn’t exist. This seems like a lucrative suggestion because Grace has a presence. But existence is defined in a lot more ways: physical presence, will power, awareness, and UNIQUENESS. Grace, however, is starting to lose her awareness and willpower to live, and she has never been unique. She is Jenna’s clone. Everybody has existential questions: who am I? what is my purpose? shat if everything I believed in is a lie? Grace is dealing with the same questions, and thus, she is easily understandable. And now that I’ve realized this about her, I pity her so much more and she’s becoming one of my favorite characters in this story.
AM I THINKING TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS? PROBABLY. I AM SO SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO READ THAT. I ACTUALLY TRIED TO CUT IT DOWN BUT THIS IS GETTING ME REALLY EXCITED FOR SOME REASON.
But continuing on, I really do hope Grace can find some happiness in life. Just seeing her so broken like this is so surprising, and I love how you also have her changed like Eidan. It just goes to show that even though Eidan seemed to be the one who liked humans the most, Grace was also profoundly affected by her time in the human world. She, too, has started to find humans more of a home than Balandria. I think this is great character development for her, allowing her to be changed by her experiences. I hope nothing too bad happens to her, but knowing you, she’ll probably die or get scarred for life.
["A point in which light and darkness blend together? Is that even possible?"
Grace nodded. "Yes, Mother called it Penumbrae.]
- Wait… Did you just connect your title in the story in a surprising way that I would never have thought? I assumed Penumbrae referred to Jenna’s and Eidan’s relationship and how they were light and dark, yet close friends and romantic partners (until recent chapters). But this mention of forest being the place between light and dark. NOW THAT IS INTERESTING. I’m seriously curious if you’re going to do anything else with this forest; maybe it’ll be the most important point where major events in the plot happens. I don’t really know, but this is intriguing. Especially since it appears this is the only piece of land remaining from the first world. I really have a feeling this is involved with the curse in some way… But your plot is really starting to get intriguing and everything seems to be tying together, though I’m not sure how.
Okay, so Eidan has realized the truth about what he has done and that is worrying. Because the amazing parallels between Eidan and Jenna and Caleum and Celeste… I’m starting to worry that maybe the exact same thing might happen and that the gods will intervene. If they do, I’m not looking forward to it. D:
[Jenna was selfish. And she didn't care anymore.]
- Oh boy… This seems like a dangerous turn of events. Jenna is definitely getting hysterical and having a change in character. I’m shocked but then again not so shocked that she’s angry at Eidan. I think she should be reasonable and understand why Eidan left. She herself admits it could be because she didn’t talk to him, because she avoided him and gave an impression she didn’t like him being around. But then again, Jenna has always been selfish and childish. To be frank, even someone more grounded and calm would have a hard time dealing with her situation, so kudos for all that she’s done. But at the end of it, she is still a young woman… and she is undergoing psychological stress from whatever Eidan has done to her and now hurt that he has left. She’s bound to freak out. Still, I really wished Jenna could have been stronger… It would have made her a lot happier.
Talking about what Eidan has done to her, so far, she’s getting sick in the stomach and vomiting. I have some theories but I just can’t believe them…
[Strand by strand, golden strands fell down; a sullen rain of yellow] Nice imagery here. I just like how yellow is always seen to be happy but “sullen” and “rain” have negative connotations. Thus, the paradox is rather unsettling and emphasizes the action a lot.
I don’t know about her decision in the end… I mean, walking away seems like a show of strength, but Jenna didn’t simply put things aside and look positively. She threw a fit first and cut her hair. So it’s very evident that there’s still something tugging at her, holding her back, and this thing will most likely cause her some stress and insanity, more than we’ve ever seen before. Because though I feel some strength from Jenna, it’s a very tentative strength that can easily break if anything cracks it…
This is definitely a worrying turn of events. But great chapter. I’m starting to wonder if the person in the italics are actually the gods because now that person is telling the characters to embrace death. The gods definitely don’t want Jenna and Eidan to cause mass destruction like Caelum and Celeste so it’s probably better that these two die and give their problems to someone else.
Definitely curious to see what will happen next!
| levisama chapter 48 . 10/18/2012
This was a wonderful chapter as usual! I really like how you explained what Penumbrae was because I've always liked the title of this story. Now, I like it even more! Another thing I liked was how answered questions that were from way back in the beginning of the story. Because they're so far away in the story I really empathised with Eidan's thoughts when he said that he could hardly remember. Plus the fact that you planned this all out, especially the part with the Alexandrian forest, is really clever.
I'm really worried for Eidan and the others now after this chapter. It looks like they have an even bigger problem and that's the Gods. I think that Eidan might be right in thinking that the Gods have something to do with this curse. Maybe they're getting sick of the balance being broken that they just decided to make Eidan and the others go through deadly events to try and kill them?
I have a weird speculation though... Because I remember Ethel once saying that she can contact the Gods through her dreams and she talks to them often... I was wondering if Ethel and the Gods may be working together... I'm not certain but I thought it was a good enough theory.
The bit with Jenna was also very sad. I definitely felt sorry for her and I had this urge to cry with her. It's really a shame that her relationship with Eidan has gone downhill. However I did respect her a lot during the end. It takes a lot to just walk away and force yourself to stop crying. Although I am worried that she's just bottling up her emotions and would break apart in due time...
This review is getting longer than my usual reviews but I just had so much to say about this chapter! Please update soon! :)
| Vernelley chapter 48 . 10/18/2012
Right, so I read this before but I'm just coming to review it now so I can hopefully do it slowly... I tend to miss things when I rush reviews... Also my mum kicked me off the fast computer so I'm stuck on this sluggish laptop with a slightly dysfunctional keyboard.
So first things first. Eidan is back in Balandria. Quite honestly I'm not surprised he doesn't like the prince life since he lived as a commoner back in Jenna's kingdom. It's quite amusing trying to imagine him with fancy princely robes and a neat hairdo though. How dare they. A man's hair is his pride. Also applies to women, I think. But anyway, that just really goes to show how much he doesn't seem to be suited for palace life as a prince of his kingdom. It's nothing huge or drastic, just clothes and hairstyle, but even the small things like that are really good indicators of how out of place he feels.
It's good to see some interaction between Eidan and Grace this chapter, because it feels like it's been a while since they've spoken this much together. Although sure yeah it's mostly Grace doing the talking because Eidan doesn't want to talk much. It's still sad how Grace is pretty set she's going to have to die; the fact that she's not even considering what her purpose in life could be tells us how aware she is of her position in the scheme of things.
I am actually glad Grace is one of the few people who are acknowledging Lucan hasn't turned into a psycho of his own accord. Given his childhood, plus losing Lacie and his mother when Jenna and friends came to town, he would've lost it anyway. I hope he turns back to normal though.
I also really liked the explanation of the kingdoms and everything, although the First and Second World stuff did confuse me a bit (but that would just be me). Come to think of it I knew there had to be a reason they had to go through a portal to go to Balandria. They're not on the same plane of existence. Duh. Genius me.
I also like how we finally have an explanation of 'penumbrae'; I vaguely know the scientific definition (something about shadows and eclipses or something like that), so it was interesting to see what it meant in the context of your story. In a way, it's a very romantic; not in the sense of love and romance, but romanticism... (This is going to make very little sense if you've never studied Romanticism...)
Oh, also it's interesting that you brought up Eidan's dreams of Grace from like a year or so ago. Since he'd almost forgotten about it, we can get a sense of how long these things have been going on for. Also interesting to note that Ethel tampered with his memories...
"I fell in love with Jenna. I'm a Shadow. She's a human. I'm from the Dark Kingdom. She's from the Light. Isn't that just the same as Celeste and Caelum's sin?"
-orz Eidan if you'd paid attention to Caelum you would've realised this already xD;;
Okay now for the second part; I'll honestly have to say I liked the first part much better, for a few reasons.
While I can understand Jenna's confusion and inner turmoil and the outbreak into rage, I'll also have to be a little harsh and say it's very typical of a female lead in a romance. Male lead goes away for whatever reason; in this case, Eidan's left for Balandria. There's also dramatic irony coming into play here since readers know why he's gone and all, but the other characters don't. For some reason it's also very common for a male lead to suddenly disappear because he thinks it'll be for the female lead's benefit but then he doesn't actually say anything about going and then he leaves everyone all confused and yeah.
But back to Jenna. She seems to feel so pathetic and useless because Eidan's not there and then she throws a bit of a tantrum and breaks the mementos and so on. It's behaviour that suits Jenna given her circumstances, but at the same time, I'm a bit iffy with it... it's just a bit on the cliché side, which so far is something you've managed to avoid with this story. I suppose since this is the only instance so far though, I can let it slide.
Seriously this is so depressing. Although in a way it's kind of silly because she probably wouldn't be doing these things if she actually knew why Eidan left... I mean yes she would obviously be distressed if he just abruptly left after doing whatever it was that he did to her without saying anything, but it's a bit unfortunate that just as she's trying to think of a reason he would leave, she recalls that incident instead.
Although there's always that possibility that she would've refused to let him go if he came to her and nicely asked for permission if he could go. Usually in relationships like this, there's some kind of communication problem. Having said that, it's interesting that Jenna herself notes that she doesn't feel like Jenna anymore. Hard to say if she thinks she's moving on or if she misses how she used to be. I think it's also about time she realised just how much she has been depending on Eidan all this time, to be so lifeless (except for the rage fit) when he's not there.
As for the cutting of her hair... Well firstly, that would explain the short hair XD On a more serious note though, I'm afraid it's not as meaningful as she might want it to be (although she is Jenna, and caught up in the moment at that). I mean she's getting rid of it because Eidan liked it and she's trying to move away from being the Jenna whom he liked, but... does she really think Eidan will love her less because she cut her hair? Of course, it might be because she doesn't think he'll come back... But still... she has a point about a haircut not changing much. It won't change her instantly, neither will it change Eidan's feelings for her.
As for the italics, they just gave me a new thought. Death is obviously the easier option, and while no one really likes the thought of dying, it's the less complicated way to solve the problem. Die and then the curse becomes someone else's problem 8D Although that's kind of a selfish way of thinking about it isn't it... So yeah obviously someone's still going to die because I doubt you will write a story with everyone living happily ever after on the same plane of existence.
Now some stuff about the flow of the writing in general because to me it felt subpar compared to your other chapters. I don't know what it is exactly but for some reason some of the sentences in narration just feel a bit stiff. I'll also just point out any glaring issues since most of the time I don't notice otherwise.
[She was a persistent girl; little dared to go against her word.]
-I assume we're talking about people not daring to go against her word, in the which case 'few' is more correct than 'little'.
There are also a lot of cases where you use the word 'that' unnecessarily; it's not a problem per se, but it can be jarring to the flow if used too often.
1: [But he wasn't sure if that was a good thing.]
2: [he knew that this place would never count as something close to a home.]
-Number one is fine; it makes sense, it's needed in that sentence. In number two, 'that' can be omitted and it would help the flow (I think it's called a relative clause). You can just read through it again anyway, if you think you need to fix it. There are quite a few instances so I can't point them all out anyway.
[If there was an emotion that she felt, it was irritation.]
-As for this one, I would say rewording it would help make it feel like a less stiff sentence, eg. 'If she [felt / could feel / could have felt] an (or one) emotion, it [was / would be / would have been] irritation'.
[to dress like the prince he had been born as.]
-I'm not sure exactly how to fix this without making it sound stiff, but apparently it's technically incorrect to end a sentence this way (I can't think if it's preposition or whatever at the moment).
Yeah this review is way too long and maybe it's better when I rush my reviews coz I just write way too much when I review slowly... I'm more nitpicky if I review slowly too.
Anyway good chapter. So I assume the time skip is soon if not next chapter then?
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 48 . 10/17/2012
Woo, new chapter!
I never thought I'd see the day of Eidan being a pouty prince who doesn't want to be a prince. It was interesting reading his bit. Particularly, I enjoyed your little details about how he was adjusting from staying in his room and comparing it to his adventures out with Jenna and Co to messing up his hair when his servants tried to keep it out of his eyes. Ironic how that was their goal after his whole eye issue. In a way, I feel really bad for him...and Balandria. The way you said that no one wanted Eidan there and seeing him so miserable, it makes me all angry at Ethel, like "come on bitch, let your bro go and let everyone be happy". I know you must be sick of me saying this, but I'm now associating Eidan with Zuko. ._. I need to stop. It must've been when you told me that you were a fa and now it all just sticks. Ahhhh!
Grace and Eidan's talk was probably my favorite part of the chapter. If I could copy and past the entire bit about Penumbrae, I would. Not only was it beautiful, but I got all excited because I love when the title of a book is revealed to have direct relevance to the novels. I don't think I directly say the titles of any of my recent novels within the novels. Maybe I'll try it with my most recent novel (I can surely fit the word "effectuation" in there somewhere...
Poor Jenna. I mean, being scarily sick (I'd be scared considering all the crap that's been happening to Jenna and Co) AND missing Eidan! So much sadness! I loved that scene with her hair. Those sort of physical outbursts of inner turmoil are some of my favorite scenes in books and movies. I don't know, it almost paints the inner turmoil as something so extreme that it can reach the physical world, and I love that. The hair was unique, and it added a lot to the scene.
Hah, I love your slip up. Yeah, talking to Grace knowing he'd have to kill her would be rather awkward for Eidan. XD
Speculations: I think Jenna is legit sick. Like deathly sick. I predict that some major character will die.
Uhhh...I don't got any death threats. Lucky you. :P
| Writing In Ink Forever chapter 48 . 10/17/2012
Poor, emo Jenna. If only she knew that Eidan left for her protection... Of course, guys are stupid and don't understand that leaving makes it all the more worse.
| Sky65 chapter 48 . 10/17/2012
WOOOOOOOAAAAAH! I WANT MORE! Great chapter, I love this...except for the part where she threw away his neckalace. Poor Jenna! She isn't sane right now! I wonder what Zeph and Mana think of it...
| DutchAver chapter 47 . 10/17/2012
This chapter was really angsty and sad, and I hate how Eidan and Jenna are now separated. While the ending was slightly predictable, it's okay because it's still very well-written. It's sweet how Eidan says that he cares more about Jenna than about two kingdoms, and how everything depends on him finding her - but it's sad how Jenna is so scared of Eidan that she's doesn't want to talk to him anymore. Depressing indeed. But then again, those two were very very happy in previous chapters - and it was bound to end sometime. However, the fact that I saw it coming doesn't make it any more pleasant to read ._.
Ethel seems to have some kind of master plan ready, she seems to be the big force behind it all. I wonder what else she'll have for Eidan and Jenna. I still don't trust her because of what Morgan said. She is the enemy, and I wonder if she'll manipulate her brother in some way when he's in Balandria. Maybe she'll use the curse for her own purposes?
Great chapter! One mistake:
'to ask her anymore questions' These are two words, any more
See you next time!
| Guest chapter 20 . 10/14/2012
- Greetings again, reviewing the newest chapter since got the time!
- Feels more like a transition chapter here, though it works strong enough since characters are key here. Got some laughs in this one thanks to Jenna's interactions with boys and the games. Really, for sake of character growth and showing lighter side of thing in between the troubles, this chapter is excellent. Zeph does still remain my favorite too. XD As always, excellent job!
- Oh and don't forget to check out Grandmaster's final chapter currently out to see how that arc ends!
| Vivace.Assai chapter 47 . 10/12/2012
Back to review this story! Yay!
Wait... so we don't even get to know what happened? You're just going to leave that an agonizing secret that will twist our hearts and eat our brains for days on end until you update the chapter that gives us the truth? All we're giving after such a horrifying cliffhanger is Eidan waking up? What?! What?! *mind almost explodes at the shock of the twist you've pulled on us*
But to be frank, as an objective (non-emotional, fangirlish) story analyst (in simple terms, reviewer), I must admit that it was a good direction to take the story. It definitely leaves more tension between the characters (and agony for this reader). I mean, what happened? Eidan is confused. Everybody is avoiding the question. I don't know how Jenna feels yet (I'm reviewing as I read right now), but she's probably trying to avoid Eidan or something. Last chapter made it clear that Eidan did something really bad to her, but nobody knows because Eidan is the narrator and he just had to forget everything. I'm so confused and worried like Eidan except I'm tearing up right now and will probably cry as I imagine all the horrible things Eidan could do to Jenna... and I'm not even as sadistic as you are as a writer.
But anyways, we have mystery and we have confusion and we have changing relationships between characters. So this seems like a good set-up for the coming events (whatever they are... I don't know but knowing you, I assume it'll be good). But maybe I should continue reading before I keep rambling on with this review...
*takes several minutes to finish reading the chapter*
[He couldn't blame the darkness entirely. It was his own selfishness that made him stay in this world. Not the darkness.] *breaks into sniffles* Eidan, oh Eidan... poor Eidan. This moment was so sad. I think it was a great moment for him as a character. He's been going through this story blaming the curse and blaming the darkness - events and pasts he couldn't control - for everything that has happened. Though he felt guilty, it was clear he never truly blamed himself. But here, he admits that his selfishness destroyed everything. I think this is something that is really hard to admit, but it marks Eidan's change as a character. His decision to return to Balandria also shows how he is willing to confront things he detest; he's growing and becoming a stronger character. I feel so bad for him though... I feel so bad for all the characters...
Still I worry what will happen when he remembers what he did... I have a feeling his reaction won't be good and this will propel his character to change again (for better or worse). But then again, I'm getting really bad at predicting what will happen next so I might be wrong.
Talking about what he did... Let's backtrack a few paragraphs.
WHAT DID EIDAN DO TO JENNA? Jenna's vomiting and Mana thinks it might be related to what Eidan did, though Jenna is completely against the idea. Did he do something so horrible to her that now she's completely stressed, disgusted, and ill? Or did what he do to her caused her new illness? I have a feeling the scope is completely horrid because well... the fact she's vomiting gives us a clue. And now she is scared of Eidan, too, and wants to avoid him. I'm curious to hear Jenna's narration about her thoughts; it would be interesting to really understand her feelings. I like this shift in character relationships, since it makes things so much more complex. Throughout this story, Jenna has been supporting Eidan and been relying on Eidan; but now she can't even trust him. It's also ironic that she always tells him he isn't a monster and now he's made her be frightened of him... This change is so depressing... JennaxEidan is so perfect but n-no-now... *starts sniffling again*
So great chapter. Sorry if my reviews have been lackluster. I don't review for several weeks and I think I just lose my knack for it. Or it could be because I'm sleep-deprived. But anyways, I feel so conflicted whenever I read this story. Half of me is smiling in glee because I'm looking forward to the awesome conclusion you have in store for this story. The other half of me is sobbing hysterically because death makes me sad. So I'll probably be laughing and crying for the rest of these chapters...
Can't wait for the next update! And I shall check out Altering tomorrow or Sunday!
| Guest chapter 47 . 10/12/2012
Loving it. Can't wait for the next chapter
| Loraine Wentworth chapter 4 . 10/12/2012
I like the mystery you continue to hint at with Eidan's past here. I'll be interested to see where that goes. He is clearly part of something pretty complex- this moves the plot along very nicely.
With the mention of Jenna's meeting with the prince you introduce some extra dramatic tension, too. The prince himself seems likely to become an important character, too, and it was interesting to hear what Eidan thought of him.
The description works well in this chapter too. I liked the description of the prince- it made it quite easy for me to picture him. The description of the sunlight was evocative, too.
| illusionae chapter 40 . 10/11/2012
Wow so many things happened in this chapter! I'm glad that Jenna and Eidan are alive and I didn't actually expect that they would die because you still have a lot of chapters left... But nevertheless I let out a sigh of relief when I found that they were brought back from the dead. Lucan's past is unfortunate. I always knew he was hiding something because he can't be that perfect all the time but it was still a surprise to find out how his people treated him just because they were scared. I think it's really freaky how his past literally mirrors Eidan's past. I wonder if that's going to have some importance in the future? Wonderful chapter as always! I am so glad I stumbled across this story! :)
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 47 . 10/10/2012
Thanks so much for the review and jeez, has it ever occurred to you how LONG this thing is? I mean, I know it's high fantasy and all, but this must be over 800 pages! Have you hit 1000 pages yet? I mean, even though that sounds overwhelming to me, it must be super exciting to hit. (the only way I'd be able to hit 1000 pages would be if I put the Crowe series on one document...)
Anyway, uhhh, review time!
I find awakenings so telling of characters and how the plot has come to affect them. For instance, Aang's awakening was one of the first times we really got to see Aang so disorientated and...weak. Maybe not physically after a few seconds, but it was clear that he really was injured, and that awakening episode really hit home.
You did a wonderful job with Eidan's awakening. I liked how he really wasn't weak or injured. That part shows that yeah guys, Eidan is really powerful. It adds an edge to him, where from one angle, he almost seems unstoppable. It's chilling. Then, you juxtapose that against his mental state, which is so fragile. I like how he shifts through confusion and numbness until he realizes what he did. It's so weird how throughout this chapter I never really...felt bad for the townspeople whom he killed. Sure, they were jerks, but it almost felt as if Eidan was destined to kill them, and it felt right. That's super weird for me to feel, so your writing must be doing something.
Oh Caelum, so off with his priorities. I like how he's still annoyed that everyone dragged him out of his inn than really focus on Eidan's succumbing to the darkness. Of course, he mentions it, but I like how he's so flippant about it...or impressed is how you put it. Now, I'm a bit confused. Was Caelum Eidan's source of power, or does him being born a Shadow give him the power, and Caelum is just an extra power surge (when he was in him, anyway)?
Oh Ethel Ethel, Ethel. Legit, I see some crazy places the Azula/Zuko relationship could never go (incest...) with Ethel and Eidan. Anyway, I loved their interactions. Ethel really seems like she has some other agenda, and I can't wait to find out what it is. It wouldn't be fun to hear that she just wants her brother/lover back home. ;) But oh man, when Ethel called Eidan brother I had Azula's voice in my head, and it was soo cool.
Ahhh, what's Jenna and Co. gonna do without Eidan? D: And I bet Caelum won't stay either! Where will they get their daily doses of darkness? And angst (I seriously almost spelled it aangst...awkwarddd)?! WOOO! Angst rocks! :D Can't wait!
I'll try to check out your new story and thanks for the review on TSLoTM
| Vivace.Assai chapter 46 . 10/10/2012
I don't know how detailed this review will be. In my attempts to balance school and catching up on alerts, I had to read this on my phone several hours earlier at school... So, my memory might be hazy and I don't have the drive of complete and utter shock propelling me forward (with all the writing in all caps and quoted excerpts).
Okay, I'm putting my guess that the character in the italicized sections is either Eidan or Jenna. This guess is not final and will probably change, but that's what I'm going with for now...
So reading this chapter, I got a large sense of deja vu. No surprise of course because you make it clear that the events in this chapter has occurred before. In fact, for me, this same event occurred only 6-8 months ago in the prologue. Yet, I found myself not bored or disinterested in what was happening because you added new dimensions to the events of the prologue. By having Eidan narrate, there is a chance for readers to gain new insight into what is happening. It just goes to show that perception makes things seem a lot different. While Jenna's narration suggested something really different, Eidan's narration shows his anger and foreshadows that something much worse is about to come... I love how you used point of view to make this scene intense and engrossing - quite a great employment of a literary convention (see what school has done to me? Before you know it, I'll stop talking about your plot and instead focus on why the way you write is meaningful).
Furthermore, you built up Eidan's fall into darkness very nicely. I love how you described it as something scratching down to his bones. Very gruesome and horrendous to imagine but perfect with the whole tone of this story. I mean, the imagery created from the metaphor just really stood out for me; the fact you employed the metaphor for the duration of the chapter made it stronger. So with this metaphor, you've managed to show how powerful and terrible Eidan's darkness is. And as the end of the chapter shows, it's something worry of making little children shiver under their beds at night. I find Eidan's decision to be quite ironic though. He decides to give into the darkness because he wants to save Jenna from death; however, he only horrifies Jenna more and is about to kill her (until somebody probably comes in and saves her). So in the end, Eidan wasn't really able to protect Jenna. Horribly ironic? Yes. Very. Makes for a good plot? Well, everything tragic you do makes for a marvelous plot.
I think you handled the descriptions marvelously in this chapter. You've managed to give readers a good image of how bloody everything is without being too gross. You had a great control of detail: you gave us enough detail to leave on us an impression without making us sick to the stomach. So kudos there.
As for plot... I'm shocked. I know you said one character has an epic character change. But I was not expecting Eidan. He always seemed in control of everything. Apparently not. Apparently he has been holding back a secret evil that has now made him a monster. Now I don't know what to expect from this story. I thought I was getting a good idea of where you were going to lead with everything, but you keep make so many ingenious plot twists... So now I'm confused all over again. :P
I'm not sure how this is going to change Eidan's and Jenna's relationship though... There's going to be same major trust issues after this. Poor Jenna. She definitely was not ready for this, for all of this. And now we have to crazy people under the darkness's influence: Lucan and Eidan. Great... Yep, I'm not expecting a happy ending with rainbows and bunnies now (not that I ever was with the way you're taking this story and due to your admittance that you like bittersweet endings).
Will read next chapter and new story soon. Maybe on Friday when I have my free period and am free of IB Math and Bio test?
P.S.: Sorry it took so long to get to this. D: Blame college applications... and school...