first of just thought i would point out that near the beginning you have the phrase " nothing but normal" i assume you mean anything but normal... just thought you might want to fix it when you get the chance.
Anyways this was a good intro it made me curious about a lot of things like... what are these two people? are they the same in some way or is skylar just some straggler who has come into bad company? I plan to read more of this soon especially if the rest can be just as brutal and descriptive

I found this quite interesting to read. It's well described, I can easily picture it in my mind... More than I'd like xD But that's a good thing. You also finished finished with a lot of questions to be answered, a nice way to keep people reading. The only thing I found a little off was that you tended to use the same words repeatedly, I saw a lot of 'blood,' 'drenched,' 'color'... But I still found it quite good. I'll see you again in the next chapter!

I totally want to read more about Keira, which I can because you have more chapters! Yay!
I'm so liking this story so far.

This is so epic :)
It literally made me cringe at how detailed it was, you used tons of tasty adjectives.
It also made me want to read more about Skylar and Alocer!

Hiya! I'm here from Roadhouse.

"nothing but a cave where his flesh used to be."
Ucky. For some reason this was the most powerful visual in this whole piece. Nicely done!
"meaningless," The"
That doesn't need to be capitalized.
"a plea for help, left unfulfilled."
Another line I particularly enjoyed.

You have amazing imagery here, some of the word usage threw me off or didn't always flow that nicely - but it did add to the overall jarring effect of this prologue so it kind of works.

I like how you started at this point. You leave the reader asking lots of questions. It's not always necessary to give away everything, especially in a prologue. Though I do hope that in future chapters we find out exactly who Chris Tess was. You have also done well in establishing Alocer and Skylar's personalities and relationship.

I am not entirely certain of the setting, so if anything could be improved on it would be that. Even some minor details that could further add to the suspense of it all.

Anyways, seems very exciting already!

I'm loving the character complexity you put into this story, you're giving me a lot inspiration as a budding author :)

This'll definitely be added to my favorites list, I cannot wait until you update again despite it being a month away :(

For me personally I found no errors really while reading except the character tense (thought it was brought up already, sorry for re-mentioning it :l)

I took particular interest to your smoothness of detail! Especially this line

"Images of walls of blood bursting from shredded hearts of innocent people plagued his mind. Burying his head into between his knees, Skylar desperately tried not to have another crying fit, definitely with Dean sitting only a few feet away. He couldn't help it, though. His life so far has been full of nothing but vicious murders, life-altering secrets and just terrible pain. Keeping all of his misery inside couldn't last forever, so he let the tears prickle at the corners of his eyes. He let the darkness that he was so afraid of close in around him."

That closing sentence just sets the mood so well! :)

I hope to see more of this soon! **

First things first, did you get this chapter name from a panic at the disco song? If you did, that's awesome, if not, ignore this.
I love the names in this, and I have no idea why, but the name Raksha is extremely familiar, but I don't know what it's from.
Anyways, I like how Keira's character has changed, and the only criticism I could give this is that you seem to occasionally switch perspectives, telling the reader about Keira from Raksha's point of view, and then suddenly switching back to Keira's point of view.

I think your writing is good. Just enough description to give a sense of what's happening without overblowing it. No mistakes as far as i can tell (though i will admit grammar is not my strongest thing). I think, as a prologue, it works with the vague tone about it. Obviously there is more to come but at the moment i'm not sure if Chris was in hell, or whether this was happening in the real world or what was really going on. It seemed to be all too caught up in the violence, which wasn't subtle. That would be the one thing i didn't really like. It was too blunt and the whole opening seemed to revolve around it, like a fixation. Violence is all well and good, but i think a more subdued and suggestive approach works better than guts galore and shock and awe. That could just be my personal opinion though, i am not a gore hound after all. I just felt it served to pull away from what was going on and perhaps more focus on the menace and sensations of such a terrifying situation, would have worked better.
One thing I did wonder, if Chris had just had his organs pulled out, would he really be able to speak? I'm not sure, i've never experienced such a thing so... :)
Anyway, i'll be reading on, if for no other reason than to find out what is going on (which is a good thing, given this is a prologue) and because you seem a solid writer.

AMAZING STORY!

I like how you added so much details, but at the same time I don't. The scenes where people were killed were sad to read.

I'm glad that you only introduced a few characters at a time because I can get confused really easily...

willl you update again?

tarah xXx

Again, interesting characters and I was quite glad to see the action slow down here, it gives the reader more time to get a wider sense of what's happening, in terms of the plot. The main suggestions I would make are to watch out for tense changes; in a lot of places, you switch between past and present, when it would flow much better if you just stick to past. Also, I find Keria's thoughts (in italics) a bit...off putting. For the most part, they come across as a little bit too much telling, rather than showing. Mu suggestion would be to focus more on her feelings through the narrative, and show us, that way, how she is feeling, through her actions, as well. So, for example, something like [Are there others out there like him? Other killers?] Could be replaced with (The thought of others, like him, out there scared her.) or something. The injection of too many of her thoughts breaks up the narrative just a bit too much in places. So, yeah, just watch out for that. Lastly, sorry for taking so long to read this; had a lot on. But I look forward to the next chapter! Keep it up.

Hmmm...if you want her to come across as 'messed up' because of what's happened to her, I don't think it's working. She just seems like a kid who's trying to cope, rather than someone who is now messed up. [terrified by him, or mesmerized] Don't need the comma there. [safe place." The man said] should read (safe place," the man said.) [soft spoken words] sounds a bit odd, maybe drop the 'spoken'. [But then, an infection of doubt] again, don't need the comma there. [suddenly, she didn't feel rage] Again, could drop the comma. Be careful of using italics too much for emphasis; if it's overdone, it can lost it's impact. A lot of the time, you don't need it; the words speak for themselves without the emphasis. Just tiny things like that and the things I've pointed out above that you may want to watch out for if you come to edit this. other than that, as always you've got some really interesting characters here and I look forward to seeing more of them as the story progresses.

Wow. All the details, the imagery...it's really easy to picture what everything looks like, though maybe except from the gore as I believe it looks much worse than we think it does before we've actually seen it. Sadly, I need to go to bed now 'cause I want some sleep, but I promise I will continue reading ASAP. It sounds way too interesting to pass this one up.

Also, why do I get the feeling that Skylar is Alocer's son? Either it's true or that's really just not how it is. I suppose I'll find out later.

A very good job! :)

Interesting. Though if its dripping he hears, the blood wouldn't be gushing. It would be slowly running down his body only to fall to the floor in a drip.

Very good Chapter. Loving Rahksha, and really liking the sanctuary in general. I am once again unsure whether to hate or love the side villains like dean and Skylar. A good chapter, and I am actually happy you took your time and slowed down a bit with the action.

Hey Kobra,

Back again to review your latest chapter! :) I do agree that this chapter doesn't have alot of action and things aren't really happening, but I still find that the chapter still is interesting and I wasn't bored because I was curious of what was going to happen and it wasn't really complex with lots of things happening. It flowed really nicely and was at a relaxed pace for the reader to fully understand the scenes and what was occurring.

This was certainly a character building chapter which I like as the reader could get to know the personality of the characters more and in depth and certainly with the new characters coming into the story. Something that I have found but mostly in this chapter is that you are somethings repetitive with sentence/words. Here is an example:

First, an art studio and now a weapons room? What else is in here?

and then a few sentences down:

"What else is in this house? Any secret passageways? Or maybe there's Narnia in a closet somewhere with Mr. Tumnus waiting for me?" Keira jokingly said as she stepped into the center of the room.

The "what else is" is already been said so I think maybe you could come up with a different sentence structure so that doesn't occur. This was the only slight/minor thing I noticed because your editing is really, really good and you never miss anything, which I can't do very well! :)

I was looking through the character look-alike pictures and think you have done a really awesome job with them! Just something I noticed is that Skylar in this story is red-headed but not in the photo, being blonde! Also I don't think Raksha Kahm should be Richard Harris/Dumbledore as everyone knows him off Harry Potter and the name doesn't really suit him either. I still believe Raksha should be an Indian! :P

I really am getting to like this Cassey. She seems really nice and caring towards Keira and is very casual but still organised and an all round good girl! What I found really fascinating in this chapter is that Keira likes swords and weaponry which is really cool. I'm sure this was alot to do with the future of the story and this is a huge step in getting to know Keira and certainly in the development that you are creating with this character! Raksha Kahm is a really interesting person and there is an evil side of him but there is also a kind side of him and I am edging closer to the nice side of him of what I think he truly is like. He was an awesome power to basically get everyone else's abilities and use them himself. I find this will be awesome in the rest of the story and he will really be able to teacher Keira how to control her emotions and use her ability in her favor as he can master it himself. The other scene where Skylar breaks down is really interesting. I think the toll of everything that has happened is really taking an affect on him and he probably is a person that shares his emotions through crying and is sensitive. The only reason I believe why Skylar is doing all this is to not die through Alocer because of giving up and because he was know where else he can go. Plus, who could want someone that was helped killed people and killed people himself! :)

Sorry if this review is confusing. I think faster than I can type! I can't wait for all the action in the next few chapters next month I suppose! :)

Thanks,

NVR