Reviews for Time Ticker tales term 1
Lord Slayer chapter 3 . 11/26/2010
Not exactly what I meant, but oh well.

Another interesting chapter, but there are still a few things that you need to work on.

What would help you the most is for you to be less wordy. I understand your enthusiasm for going into detail and descriptions, but remember that often less is more in these kind of situations.

In the end the dialouge seemed to be pretty well spaced but towards the end there were several instances of several people speaking all in one paragraph, without nothing but context to indicate who was speaking.

Please remember to proofread carefully. I saw mister Alabaster, Mister alabaster, mister alabaster, but Mister Alabaster, the proper way for capitilization, only about once or twice. You even spelled Irae lowercase at one point.

On a plus note, though, I found the Polka Geist to be a very fun and imaginative creature, as was the ball throwing game that Maya played at the beginning. Well done.
Lord Slayer chapter 2 . 11/6/2010
Yep...I'm a guy...and I read it.

Not really sure why you felt the need to caution people against reading it, though. It wasn't a "fashion extravaganza" or whatever.

It did get really confusing at the end and I found it really hard to figure out what was going on, starting about when the rhymning did.

You also need to stop giving big chunks of background information in the middle of the narrative, and don't tell the reader about checking up on past works for information in the middle of the story either. That belongs in the author notes at the beginning or the end. Something like that actually would have been really helpful at the beginning with Irae's students.

One phrase that I really liked was the scene when they're playing pool: "The man's eyebrows met like two crashing continents." lol, I thought that was genius.
Lord Slayer chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
After reading your profile I feared that your work would keep me busy, since my usual habit is to keep track of errors and suggestions for the piece.

Turns out I was both right and wrong in that respect, as I quickly gave up, lol.

That's not to say that the story is bad. Far from it, I thought it was brilliant. The characters were fun and intriguing, the whole job system was very imaginitive (by the way, the thing thats used to keep track of people's work hours is just called a time clock), the plot twist was a barrel of laughs. You are certainly a talented and imaginitve writer.

The problem lies in how you write. Your paragraph structure and grammar are inexcusably chaotic, and its very confusing. Not to mention hard on the eyes.

I highly suggest finding a beta reader of some kind to go over your stories and help you get stuff better organized. After only reading one chapter of your material, I can already tell that you should be getting much more reviews than what you've been typically have been.