|Reviews for Master and Fighter: Absolute Mirror|
| LuxAurorae chapter 1 . 1/2/2011
Great ideas! Very original. You're also very good at creating likeable characters. The protag's concern for her family and her master as she faces death is admirable. I haven't finished reading through it, (I will continue this review later), but so far, it does what a first chapter should do; introduce the world and its characters, while getting the readers attached to the protagonist. Characterization is one of the most important elements if not the most important in the very first chapter and you deliver Kylie's character superbly.
Here are some suggestions. Of course, they're all opinions and you're free to ignore everything, but I hope that you can find something of value in what I have written.
Kylie's thoughts during the fight slows down the action of the fight. If her thoughts are necessary, try to write them with shorter sentences, or move them somewhere else where it doesn't interrupt the flow.
There was a discrepancy in the first scene and second. Kylie sounds surprised that her master is giving money to her family, but in the second scene, she states that she relies on the money from the games to keep her family fed. I liked that she was thinking of her family in the second scene though. Also, the law seems odd. Why can't the masters help the fighters? Maybe it should be mentioned within the law itself. Such as:"Section 7 Law 3a: As a fight is considered sub-human, a Master shall not give money to their Fighter's family or loved ones." If you don't want to give it away just yet, then maybe you should establish the world a little bit more. Show the treatment of fighters outside of the arena in a normal situation. (How did strangers treat Kylie before she was imprisoned?)
"Every contract had a unique symbol for the contractees. Most were intricate, and nearly impossible to draw from memory. Kylie's was no different." - This line dilutes the effect where it's currently placed in the text. It's followed by a description of the mark itself. It'd probably be more effective to describe the mark and then mention what it does. The following is a rearrangement (with some alterations) on what you had written):
"She swallowed the blood and gasped as the mark of the contract slithered onto her arm. Each mark was unique, and before she could even wonder what hers would be like, the mark climbed up from her wrist and continued up to her shoulder in intricate, twining lines. The coiling sleeve of thorny vines ingrained into her arm and seemed to have a mind of its own. Kylie caught her breath as the last coils stopped; she was bound."
| KylieAyn chapter 1 . 11/1/2010
COOL! Kylie is totally badass and awesome, and Garrett is all mysterious and hot-seeming...and I even like Nakama, even if he's sexist. In fact, I like him more because of it because it hopefully means hilarious bantering betwixt him and Kylie!
can't wait for more!
| BetaWriter chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
This story is epic. Descriptive, action-packed, mysterious, and funny. I can't wait for the next chapter.