|Reviews for On My Way with a Lady in Red|
| Kikyuu chapter 1 . 11/13/2010
Okay, first off, I noticed that you should definitely get someone to check through this story just for the small things like: "I've seen you before." She says, where that period should really be a comma. Also, just look out for phrases like "my college in collage".
Second, although I'm pretty intrigued by Madame Red, I keep getting pulled out of the flow of the story by the constant repetition of 'she does this' and 'I do that'. There's gotta be a better way to describe the action.
The idea of this is interesting, but for a first chapter, I don't think it did what it was supposed to do - hook me completely. My attention started lagging halfway through simply because the language wasn't dynamic enough to hold it.
Still, the premise of this is a good one - keep writing!
| RedactedNoLongerWriting chapter 1 . 10/29/2010
"Away from here." I tell him and continue packing.
-should be a comma instead of period after 'here'
"...Who do you thing will take you?"
He hacks, sounds almost like laughter.
-I'm not sure what you mean by 'hacks'. Coughing? Could clarify this.
He hit's the ground with a loud wheeze.
-No apostrophe on hits
At first they're quite, but it doesn't last long.
For the fist time in my life...
I check both direction than sprint across the street.
Than again I was, that would have been G's the force jet pilots feel in flight.
-This sentence feels like it's missing a couple things. I'm not really sure what it's saying.
I had to stop listing all the typos I found because I wasn't far in and already I was worried that my review would go too long. Most of them look like honest typing mistakes and weren't too distracting, but I do need to point out their existence. A quick read-through by yourself or a beta-reader would fix this problem easily enough.
The use of sentence fragments was interesting. It helped establish the narrator's voice pretty well, but the odd distribution of them threw me off at times. I didn't see a pattern to their use so sometimes it was jarring to go from long sentences to very short fragments of description. For instance, "As a matter of fact her whole entire outfit is composed of different shades of red. Including her wide brim hat with giant feather. One of the ones you would see in the twenties. Even her hair is a crimson color of red." This is nice and conversational (good for voice) but the last two bits of description give it an awkward flow that made me mentally stop in those places and pulled me out of the story a little.
Some of the dialogue felt a bit awkward to me, like the people wouldn't actually talk like that. "[Then] again I was, that would have been G's the force jet pilots feel in flight. Only it was a lot less." Things like this don't sound like something a kid would say because they're wordy and complete sentences. I found that strange since the narration style itself was fairly conversational.
I do like the end of this, at least the last sentence. Ending on a strong statement like that is a great way to sum up the story. It made me smile. :)
Overall, this isn't a bad start. Your spelling and grammar could use a little work; a beta-reader would really help make the writing stronger. Otherwise, you seem to have a good idea what you want to say and even have a fairly distinct narrative voice to say it. It's a nice story. Good luck with your edits!