Reviews for Waking Up Lost
Jealous Rage chapter 1 . 10/29/2010
Opening- I found the opening of this piece to be pretty weak. It's not very clear what's happening. The MC could be sleeping in a bed, lying under a tree or in an alley or for all we know. I would suggest adding some reaction to his surroundings right after he opens his eyes and sees Sin.

Ending- I liked how the ending makes me want to read on, to learn more about the "Grandpa" character. I would suggest, however, ending with Draden's thoughts, maybe what he thinks could have possibly caused his amnesia, or how worried he is or something like that. The 1st person POV really allows you to showcase the MC's thoughts and feelings; ending it with Sin's dialogue/mood leaves a lot of possible character development/exposure on the table.

Characters- I think, given the nature of the story, you showcased the characters pretty well. Sin was well done; we can clearly see how cheerful and friendly she is by how she interacts with someone she's never seen before. There were spots where perhaps Draden's thoughts could have been used to learn a bit more about his character/personality, but overall I think you put enough into him in this chapter to at least have the readers interested enough to want to keep reading about him.

Spelling/Grammar and Style Edits-

A girls voice pierces into the shadows.

-S/G: 'girls' should be 'girl's'

-Style: I suggest replacing 'into' with 'through'. It just sounds better to me.

"Well, are you alive?" She asks happily.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-Style: I suggest replacing 'happily' with cheerfully. Happily just doesn't sound quite right to me.

...but it begins to clear up.

-Style: I suggest adding 'quickly' before 'begins'.

...is bent over me only a foot away from my own face.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'me'.

-Style: I suggest adding 'her face' before 'only' and then removing 'face' from the end of the sentence. I think that might read a little smoother.

Wait! Who is she?

-Style: suggest putting that in italics, to differentiate Draden's thoughts from the rest of the non-dialogue text.

...and scoot a little way apart.

-Style: I suggest changing it to 'and scoot back from her a little'. Again, I think that may make it read a little smoother.

"I asked if you where okay?"

-Style: I don't think the question mark is necessary here. A period would fit better I believe.

...and moves uncomfortably close. So close I can feel her...

-Style: I suggest replacing the period with a comma and not capitalizing 'So'. Doesn't need to be two sentences.

"See should have just let me look."

-S/G/Style: I suggest putting a period after 'See' and starting the next sentence with 'You'. If you don't want to change it that much, then add a semi-colon after 'See'.

The girl says grabbing my arm and hoisting me up on my feet.

-S/G: 'The' should not be capitalized.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'says'.

I notice she's wearing a plain knee length white dress.

-S/G: 'knee length' should be hyphenated.

-Style: I suggest adding a comma after 'plain' and 'knee-length'.

With a similar red ribbon to the one in her hair, holding the dress up.

-Style: I suggest rearranging this sentence to make it a little easier to read. 'Holding the dress up was a red ribbon, similar to the one in her hair.'

"Thanks, I guess." I say looking away.

-S/G: The period within the quotations should be a comma.

-S/G: Should be a comma after say.

"No, problem. By the way, what's your name?"

-S/G: Remove the comma after 'No'.

-Style: I suggest removing 'By the way,'; I don't feel that's it is necessary.

She asks stepping in front of me smiling, hands behind her back.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'asks'.

-Style: I suggest adding 'her' before 'hands'. Makes it read a little smoother.

What is my name?

-Style: I suggest putting that in italics, to differentiate again.

"Yeah, what people call you." She says.

-S/G: Replace period in the quotations with a comma.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

Suddenly a strong mans voice shouts a name in my head.

-Style: I suggest adding a comma after 'Suddenly'.

-S/G: 'mans' should be 'man's'.

-Style: I suggest replacing 'strong' with 'loud'. I feel 'loud' fits a little better in that spot.

-Style: I suggest adding a comma before 'man's'.

DRADEN!

-Style: I suggest not using completely capitalized words within a story. The exclamation mark makes it unnecessary.

Its so loud it makes my ears ring.

-S/G: 'Its' should be 'It's'.

"Hey you okay?" She asks, looking concerned.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'Hey'.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

"It's Draden." I say looking at the ground between my feet.

-S/G: The period in the quotations should be a comma.

-S/G: Should be a comma after say.

-Style: I suggest removing 'the ground between'. Say he looks at his feet, instead of the ground, works better in conjunction with the next sentence.

Where have I been.

-S/G: The period should be a question mark.

-Style: I suggest putting that in italics, to differentiate again.

Only a pair of pants, and a loose, dirtied, white tunic cover me.

-S/G: Comma after pants is not necessary.

-Style: I suggest replacing 'dirtied' with 'dirty'. Again, I feel this would make the sentence read smoother.

She laughs and dose a little spin. Her ponytail flying around her.

-S/G: 'dose' should be 'does'.

-S/G: Replace the period after 'spin' with a comma and change 'Her' to 'her'.

"Your weird." I just blurt out.

-S/G: 'Your' should be 'You're'.

-S/G: The period in the quotations should be a comma.

Though she is weird, not that I don't like it. She's also pretty nice.

-Style: I suggest restructuring the sentence to make it flow a little easier - 'She does seem weird, but her friendliness outweighs her oddness.' or something like that.

"Well at least I'm not weird looking."

-S/G: 'weird looking' should be hyphenated (in this sentence and every other time it is written in this chapter).

Weird looking? Am I weird looking? I don't really remember what I look like. Jeeze, I must have hit my head or something. Temporary Amnesia perhaps, or it could be long term. Wait, I know this sort of stuff?

-Style: I suggest putting that all in italics, to differentiate again.

-S/G: 'Amnesia' doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Hello, are you coming with?" She says a few feet down the dusty path we're on.

-Style: I suggest rearranging this sentence to make it read smoother - '"Hello," she says, "are you coming with?" She is standing a few feet down the dusty path we're on.'

A large brown and orange rock face rises on either side.

-Style: I suggest adding 'of the path' to the end of the sentence.

The slightest wind is whipping up dust.

-Style: I suggest replacing 'The slightest' with 'A slight'

I look back behind me to find a giant rock wall the only thing there.

-Style: I suggest adding a comma after me, and then adding 'only' after the comma.

-Style: I suggest adding 'is' after 'wall'.

"Are you coming or not?" She says impatiently hollering from farther down, nearly around the bend.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'impatiently'.

"I didn't catch you name." I huff stopping to catch my breath.

-S/G: 'you' should be 'your'.

-S/G: The period in the quotations should be a comma.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'huff'.

-Style: I suggest adding 'once I reach her.' after breath. It adds a little to the sentence I feel.

"My name, oh well," She puts a finger on her chin like she did earlier. "it's Sin."

-Style: I suggest replacing the comma after 'name' with a question mark, and then capitalizing 'oh'.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-S/G: Either replace the period after 'earlier' with a comma, or capitalize 'it's'.

"Sin, what kind of name is that?" I ask.

-Style; I suggest replacing the comma after 'Sin' with a question mark, and then capitalizing 'what'

-Style: I suggest removing 'I ask'. It's not necessary.

I mean who would expect a girl like...

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'mean'.

She retorts and starts walking down the narrowed...

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

There are a few small niches...

-S/G: The paragraph that starts with this should be a part of the paragraph directly before it. It doesn't need to be separate.

Than there's the occasional withered...

-S/G: 'Than' should be 'Then'.

She says spinning around again.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-Style: I suggest adding 'suddenly' after 'says', and then adding a comma before 'spinning'.

I ask. Though I'm fairly certain...

-Style: I suggest replacing the period after 'ask' with a comma, and then changing 'Though' to 'though'.

She stops and looks at me very excitedly. More than she already is.

-Style: I suggest changing 'and looks at me very excitedly' to 'and looks at me, excitement flashing in here eyes.' and then removing the sentence that follows it. I think that would make it read a little smoother.

"You've been on the other side! What's it like?" She asks practically...

-S/G: This paragraph should be a part of the previous paragraph. It doesn't need to be separate.

-S/G: 'She' should not be capitalized.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'asks'.

"I don't know." I say trying to pry her off me.

-S/G: The period in the quotations should be a comma.

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'say'.

She steps back with an odd face. Perhaps confusion.

-Style: I suggest adding 'expression on her' after 'odd' and then adding a comma after 'face' and changing 'Perhaps' to 'perhaps'.

I says shaking my head.

-S/G: 'says' should be 'say'

-S/G: Should be a comma after 'say'

...happy go luck...

-S/G: 'luck' should be 'lucky'.

-S/G: Should be hyphenated.

There's definitely some potential here, I think. Keep at it.