|Reviews for Atreju|
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 4 . 12/28/2010
As always, a really powerful chapter. In regards to your A/N, I think you're being too harsh on yourself with this chapter - it worked really well, especially in regards to making the reader feel some level of sympathy of Deeia, and making them more interested in his character - the last chapter made me think he was going to be just a completly evil monster, but you managed to make him more realistic than that. And as you point out yourself, it is a first draft.
I like the way you portray the scientists who come into the room - they come across as unfeeling, and it's clear that they do see Ninn as just an experiment. On top of that, you manage to keep it still in the mindset of a child - we see the other characters how Ninn sees them, whilst still being able to see beyond the child's POV, if that makes sense. This is written amazingly, and I can't wait to see more.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 12/19/2010
powerful chapter. You did a great job of drawing the reader in and creating this false sense of security, comfort, and then sort of ripping it away. Basically, you made the reader feel the same emotions that Ninn would have been feeling. I like the way you had the "think of horsies" thing, and the demons part at the end. It linked in really well. The way you described Deeia was excellent - it painted a very vivid picture and really made you wonder what he was up to. Amazing stuff.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 12/13/2010
A really good chapter. You gave a great insight into Ninn, her character and her past, without it being overloaded with information. The way you introduced the different ideas, and the idea of the Nazis, was done really well, it wasn't kind of shoving it in your face or anything, instead it is subtle and wonderfully written. I felt really sorry for Ninn when she asked for the blanket, and I was urging her on during the last part which is, I have to say, very chilling. The last paragraph has a strong sense of bittersweetness about it; it's like we know that it won't be her parents, but Ninn's hope for it, God, it's heartbreaking. Great job.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 12/8/2010
Firstly, Morpheus and rabbit made me think of the Matrix :P Anyway, onto the actual review - The descriptions are great, you build up the scene really well and draw the reader in. The undertone, the way they treat her, is made clear but you're never overly explicit, so nice work at showing rather than telling. I love the way you describe the girl's emotions, and the way they're so inhuman to her even though they see her as inhuman. That whole tone is conveyed really well, and the writing flows brilliantly. Didn't see any errors so yeah, all I have at the moment is praise. Great stuff!
-from The Roadhouse
| Katerzzz chapter 2 . 12/8/2010
Review Payback 2/2!
Also love how you are tying this into the Nazi's and their experiments, as you know I shallb exploring Nazi concentration camp experiments in my story, but its interesting to see a contemporary approach to it all. Very good and I hope to read more :)
| Katerzzz chapter 1 . 12/8/2010
Review Payback 1/2!
Interesting story, very vivid and I could really see the poor girl struggling, quite surreal aswell, which is odd, almost like a lapse in time. Very interesting and an enjoyable read :D
| Eiya Weathes chapter 4 . 12/3/2010
["There, there," he huffed, still out of breath. He rose to his feet and buttoned his black pants back up. "I'm sure that feels much better now." The words were not spoken with confidence or reassurance, rather, they came out sounding forced.
Heart both shattered and drowned, though not for the first time in her life, Ninn refused to look at him. Deeply, she felt betrayed. But she had learned long ago― probably during her first years of pageantry, back when her mother seemed to be the only one reassuring her in rooms teeming with spite, gossip and the stench of hair spray ―to accept betrayal as a daily way of life. So the betrayal, her affecting emotions, were not what hurt the most…what hurt the most was, in fact, the physical pain itself. Her heart was beating so fast the sound of its quaking crashed in her ears and she could feel it in her throat, a throat sore to the point of being outright raw. Her girlhood felt torn apart as if by the most feral beast, shred from shred. The blood soaking into the mattress under her could attest to that.]
- I like the way you add spice to your words. Reading moments like this gives me chills.
["You know what the funny thing is? You're supposed to be real friggin' important. A big deal. We apparently think that by the time you're a grown woman, you'll be totally immune to all pain. That all this testing, all this pushing your invulnerability, will just wipe your nerves clean. We're going to build you up, focus all those crazy little powers of yours. Teach you to use fighting magic. Then―" he laughed to himself and there was a pause while he took a drag "―we're gonna stick you right in the military. You'll be a tank. Can you believe that? A waif like you, a tank? Doubtful. But they still say it, they just go on and on: 'She will be our Aryan savior. This one little girl is gonna turn the world upside down with her incredible power. We can never let her stray out of our glorious protection,'" he quoted mockingly.
The six year old swallowed agonizingly and kept staring at the wall. She had no idea what he was talking about.
"And can you tell me what any of that has to do with me screwing you? 'Cause I sure don't know. Our scientific department is fucked in the head. Fucked, I tell you. God knows I'm important, too. The Führer would have a cow if I even talked about leaving his contact for more than a day. Don't get me wrong, sweetheart, I love my Führer, I love my world, and I love my job. I think it's a great idea to test you, build up your powers and put you in action. You really could change the tide of the RA war. What I don't love is how ridiculous my life seems sometimes. Really. I hate it."
If Ninn wasn't lost before then she was now. She didn't understand how he went from sad to angry…to what seemed, from the little tremors in his voice, like sad again.
Deeia let out a long breath. "First thing I'm gonna do when I get back to Paris is spend a few good hours in Church. And that's for sure."]
- Ah so that's why she was there.
Anyway, I'm wondering how this would go and who Deeia really is. He's quite an interesting character.
The cliff hanger was amazing. It's great and you've really done a good job. :)
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 3 . 12/1/2010
["I know. I look pretty silly, don't I?" The man said with the most idiotic Cheshire-cat smile Ninn had ever seen. He sat down in a metal fold-up chair across from her, which had been set out by the staff earlier. "You see, when someone takes too many bad drugs, it really messes up their magical balance. They get weird colored hair and eyes like me." He laughed and pointed to his abnormal features, the lazily groomed hair that almost fell into his eyes, like the way a clown always laughs and points to their big red nose right before the flower on their shirt sprays you with a jet of icy water.]
- I like the explanation you gave for the entire hair thing. It's cool.
[She had never liked clowns.]
- I love this line.
This story is getting much more interesting and fascinating. The ending got me wide-eyed. I'm still in awe with your writing capabilities. A great chapter!
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
| Eiya Weathes chapter 2 . 12/1/2010
[When she lost the Venacuo's Beautiful Young Lady pageant at age five, her father had decided to give up on her and surrender her to the state. You see, he was head of the local SS guard, and for one in such a position of status, it was completely unacceptable to have a daughter that did not live up to the current standards of beauty, talent, magic and intelligence. Each standard was meticulously crafted to project an invariable image of perfection. Each standard set out a list of goals that needed to be met in different ways, depending upon age, gender, familial magic inheritance, and rank in society. A five-year-old female who was the daughter of a high-ranking SS guard and who was fairly astute in simple magic spells therefore could not lose at a professional beauty pageant to folk more common than she. If she did, it would be like signing her own eviction notice. No respectable family would want to keep a failure for a daughter.]
- Wow. Cruel and unjust but the way you narrate it...it's just wow. I can't explain it. It's just, you make it appear elegant and fancy that I don't get appalled by the scientists.
I'm applying this to the entire chapter. I am in love and at awe with your writing style. I can't wait to read what's next...
- Amethyst Penn
This review is sponsored by The Roadhouse.
| lookingwest chapter 3 . 11/29/2010
Holy. Crap. That ending. D: Ohmygawd, this is so sad T_T. You're really doing a good job capturing the audience with this one, I was interested at "teal hair", haha, and I usually really scoff at the "my character has technicolor hair" thing, but I liked how you backed it up with a valid excuse that actually made it plausible, and I'm a big sucker for anything magical, so that excuse worked perfectly and helped this not turn into a gary sue situation, haha, so good job there, your description of Deeia was impressive! This whole scene and dialogue had me trapped the entire time, I was afraid to know what the question would be and then the mere hint of a rape situation is just god awful at the end :/ I like how you incorporated the thinking of horsies and everything and then at the end followed it up by "Think of...demons." but I noticed while you italicized the horsies bit you decided not to italicize the demon one-so was that intentional? If it was, I thought it was a good decision because while I heard Ninn's child-like voice narrating her thoughts about thinking of something else, this second demon one was narrated by our third person adult, and had a more serious overtone to it that fit the scene. Well done, I won't be forgetting this one!
| InkyPink chapter 4 . 11/29/2010
Wow - okay, this fic is really quite scary. Scary because *if* the situation were real, the imagined reactions are frighteningly realistic. Science does go to extraordinary lengths to research medical phenomena, and if they found a girl who was basically a human stem cell...yeah, I don't know how far they'd treat her as human. Put this into the Nazi time and it could totally happen. If, of course, supernatural was real :P
It is REALLY well-written and I actually can't see why you think the last chapter is less so than the others. You must have a much more critical eye than me, though I have to admit, beyond basic spelling and grammar mistakes I'm not that good at con. crit., sorry :S
Poor, poor Ninn :( You totally made her situation come to life and I was actually feeling horrified for her as I read this and had to remind myself it was only a story!
| lookingwest chapter 2 . 11/29/2010
All great things come with ghastly side effects however, and...
-Edit: needs comma inserted after "effects"
This is a very chilling addition to the first chapter. I had heard from Lyra awhile ago that this connected into the Nazi era of WWII, but seeing it here made it even creepier. I liked that you introduced things slowly, like the mention of the magic and also the experiments. I'm glad you didn't dump it on the reader or anything because it would have been hard to focus on it while also focusing closely on how Ninn feels, which I think you did a wonderful job doing in this chapter. This was very centered on her, as it should be, and I liked that you also managed to keep her in character as a child with her dialogue, when the third person narration is obviously someone much older. I'm interested in how you're tying this into the Nazie regime and experimentation...I wonder if she's at a concentration camp or not, at this point, especially because you mentioned there were others too. They did some really scary stuff with the experiments back then, and I think you've hinted at the terror within the first preface too, so there's a solid connection there. Scary stuff!
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 4 . 11/28/2010
Hmm, so what am I to make of Deeia? Is he a drug addicted monster with no soul, or a troubled man with a job he doesn't want? I can't forgive him for what he did to Ninn, the sick bastard -_-", but I do wonder about him. He's obviously in on this whole experiment thing, but he's also a test subject. How much control is he allowed? How much freedom before it means being subjected to torture like Ninn?
[spend a few good hours in Church. And that's for sure."] Heh, Church can't save you now, buddy.
Poor, poor Ninn, though. :( I hope she escapes, or she kills them all. Have I already expressed this sentiment? xD It's just so unfair, ugh!
Maybe whatever has come to lay waste to the experimental hold will give her an opportunity to escape, or something. I dunno. Maybe all the scientists will die. Maybe Ninn will gain a friend.
Good chapter. The character development is coming along nicely. :)
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 11/26/2010
You have a very sophisticated writing style, which is greatt! I must say that I am envious of you x)
On the other hand, however, we didn't get much feel for the characters, or the plot for that matter. The plot starts to leak out, but not a lot. I just hope in the next chapter that there is more character development, and dialogue.
Besides that, you have excellent descriptions! Keep it up!
-Kobra Kid, The Roadhouse
May you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you so much!
| seredemia chapter 3 . 11/26/2010
The first sentence is a bit toolong for me. I think it would be better if you took the last part of that and put it into its own sentence; it would flow a bit better, in my opinion. As always, your descriptions continue to amaze me. I find no typos and other mistakes... I loved how this story has a bit of german too! I take german in school, so I can understand bits of it :D. Loving the conversations too. They're really interesting and they really make your characters seem realistic.