|Reviews for Brood Parasite|
| Sparrow chapter 1 . 7/5/2011
Cuckoo-Child. The nerd in me is completely freaked.
Awesome concept - maybe clean up the lines a little. I'd move the "six little angels" and "one strange little boy" lines closer together, and perhaps he has a more malignant smile than a smirk. A grin that's a bit too wide? Shows a bit too much tooth? A bit too pale? In my experience, too many adjectives just gunk up the sentences and make the reader lose track of what's going on, but comparisons work freakishly well. Plus, I just like how they flow better.
I spy a few paragraphs that are restating the same thing as the paragraph before. If you ditch those, the story will run faster and you'll get more of the feeling you're looking for. "There are too many children to support" and "He's eating them out of house and home" jump out at me, but I think there're others.
Alternatively, some of the lines could be linked together to form more cohesive paragraphs: "There are four, three, two little angels now. [He's found every one as they've been lost (or some such; I don't know)]. Every time, Mummy clings to him a little tighter. Her baby boy, her special [little guy]. She [can't] lose him, too."
Don't be afraid of more complex sentences. I found the simple subject/verb/object pattern a little jarring, as well as the jumps between single-sentance paragraphs.
On the other hand, the italicized statements about the bird scared the crap out of me. Things like that are insanely powerful, and you've done them well.
I hope that helps. Good luck!
| Avery H chapter 1 . 1/9/2011
god, that was creepy. Makes me think the mother had schizophrenia or something.
| A.E. Reed chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
So creepy and awesome! A nice Halloween treat! XD That was awesome I tell you, keep it up!
-Scares and Nightmares