Reviews for Brother Bacchus
A Fire Rose chapter 1 . 8/21/2012
Hey! So it seems with this story that you have very lightly brushed over everything that happens. You show emotions well through actions, but all that happens here is the girl drinks. No idea what happened to her brother, or rather how it happened, or anything else. The last paragraph is well-described, but most of this seems rushed and only surface-descriptions. Keep writing!
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
I liked the unique narration style you used for this. It felt almost storyteller like.

I actually found this almost more amusing than sad. Imagining this girl whacking priests in the head and puking on rich boys was rather fun. Very entertaining. :P

Good job and good luck in WCC!
lookingwest chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
First off, I liked this, haha, it was...well it was the perfect sort of short story, I think. It had all the elements of that one situation and then how you build of off a simple setting/plot "sister's brother is dead" and then you embellish it and bring the story and characters to life, especially the focused narrator.

I didn't like the page breaks-I know that you use them a lot in your fiction, but in this case I felt almost every single one of them were unnecessary. You're not jumping a huge amount of time, you might be jumping settings, but it's not something the reader wouldn't understand if the page break was there. For this reason I thought it sort of jolted the piece forward a bit and I just didn't see the reason for them in this case.

I love the work of the literal prompt here with mention of a "love potion" and I think it's brilliant that you compared it with alcohol and drinking. Liana's the one that pointed out to me that the "Bacchus" was pointing towards the mythology of Dionysus, so I definitley thought that was pretty cool how you managed to work that in. I enjoyed the dialogue and the interaction with the different characters, especially the boy. There's definitley something overall sad about this piece and though depressing I enjoyed how it umbrella-ed the mood of everything, and the start image of the black and the messy makeup.

Best of luck in WCC!
Liana L. Galbraith chapter 1 . 11/8/2010
I am an idiot. I am so sorry. Brother Bacchus. Bacchus another name/reference to Dionysus... the god of wine and intoxication. Hence all the drinking.

Wow. So sorry! If I had recalled that while reading (or paid better attention to story titles), I totally would have pointed that out.

Nicely done!
xenolith chapter 1 . 11/7/2010
Wow, this was intense. I loved your last line! Best last line, or maybe second best last line, of the comp so far for me! Never really thought of sorrows being able to swim, I think that made my night.

I wasn't a fan of the very beginning, the italicied lines were just a bit dull and didn't do much to hook my attention. The next part does, that one sentence. That should be the beginning, it's brilliant. Makes a big impact.

Story wise, I really enjoyed reading this. She's kinda train-wreck, and this may sound sadistic but it was fun to watch her mess everything up. I liked the date part, particularly the line ' When she comes back to the table, he smiles tightly and asks if she would like some wine, and suddenly the date is marvelous.' Thought that was a total win.

Although I liked the fast flow that the long sentences gave the piece, the last part was a bit too long. But that doesn't matter too much coz the last line was so good.

All in all, great work this month. All the best for the wcc :D
sophiesix chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
oh Beautiful last line.

The MC came across to me as someone i'd be both totally embarrased to be near yet really feeling sorry for her too. The tension between those two feelings really carries the piece for me. She's such a mess, understandably, but she keeps on keeping on, and its with a sort of horrified fascination that we watch her attempts inevitably self-destruct. There's a light humour too, which contrasts nicely with the pathos. Nice work! and good luck in the WCC :)
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
This is a very interesting piece you've got here. Although the take on the prompt is a little bit less than creative, it's very believable, and it's very easy to get in touch with the emotion in this piece.

Tone-wise, though, I found this piece a little awkward. By the end, I could tell that you had found your tone for the piece and that you were "in the zone", but some of the humor ("Why are you lying, my brudder izzen DEAD" comes to mind) seems inappropriate.

Also, though I'm not sure how else you could have written it, your tense changes in the first several paragraphs are quite distracting. I know that it probably felt that way to you too, but I wanted to point it out.

Solid story here, though. I really do like the date scene - I wonder (assuming I have interpreted your story correctly) how this girl managed to stay put together for long enough to get a date so soon after her brother's funeral. It adds a whole other level to your MC's character. Your characterization of her was fantastic as well, by the way. Great stuff!

Good luck in the WCC!

-thewhimsicalbard
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 11/6/2010
Straight up, I love this piece.

There was something muddled about it, but in a good way. I think it was your sentence structures and length; I adored how long some of them were because it added a wonderful rhythm to it. But the muddled business... I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm betting it was the sentence structures, which I already mentioned I liked.

I really don't have much else to say. Best of luck in this month's WCC!
clockwork kiss chapter 1 . 11/4/2010
Really nice entry for the WCC! I loved the central character and really empathized with her, probably because she reminds me somewhat of myself. Your imagery is fresh and insightful, and I especially loved the part about the melting wax doll! The only part I would say seemed to be a bit over the top was the line about wine and apples- I understood what you were doing there with the Eve thing, but it just seemed out of place and sudden, like you were just trying to squeeze an allusion in. Overall, a great short story and the ending line was perfect! Good luck!
berley chapter 1 . 11/4/2010
"because it is less than thirty minutes later that she crawls to the closest bar she can find to drown her sorrows, conveniently forgetting (yet again) that sorrows can swim."

- Very nice line, and a really great way to finish off the piece.

Everyone is doing such interesting pieces the month with the prompt! I have to admit though, I had a really hard to sympathising with this girl as I read this piece. Yeah, it's terrible that her brother died, and she has every reason to be upset, but I just didn't feel bad for her. I think it might be a personal thing, because I have a hard time feeling for a character's loss when they just whine and complain about it, or resort to acts like drinking and crying their faces off.

Don't let this make you think that I thought the piece was bad. The flow was nice and I liked a lot of your descriptions. So the writing was good, I just didn't feel a connection with the character at all. I read it, and it ended on a good writing note, but it didn't bring anything out in me.

Maybe I am just heartless. Haha.

Anyways, good job and good luck in the WCC!
Nesasio chapter 1 . 11/3/2010
"...so she snorts laughter through the tears as she downs another glass of port."

-Love this. Great flow to the sentence and it says lot with such few words.

You had some great descriptions of things in this story. I especially liked "...she crawls to the closest bar she can find to drown her sorrows, conveniently forgetting (yet again) that sorrows can swim." It's poetic and sad and a solid ending to the piece.

Nice job! Good luck in the WCC! :)