|Reviews for Door|
| HeroofEnelios chapter 16 . 1/4/2011
This was a pretty intense chapter with all the stuff that went on during the chapter. Jade is such a cute little girl character and she is quite the innocent adorable character that people like a lot of the time. So great job with this chapter and I look forward to more!
| Alora The Sleepy chapter 2 . 1/4/2011
Ayee. OK. There's more things for me to discuss here than I'd hoped there would be. P
First thing's first. This needs a seriously in depth proof-read. I can tell that you have a good enough grasp on sentence structure and paragraphing that the mistakes riddled through this are mostly typos and just a lack of close attention. However, I find bad grammar, spelling, and tense issues (ESPECIALLY tense issues) really hard to read, and if I hadn't already promised you a review, I might very well have clicked the back button after the first few sentences. It sounds awful, I know, but it's like you with stanzas. I can't STAND these little, careless mistakes in such a large amount.
My suggestion for this is something that I promise is really easy. I know you said you don't edit much (I think?), but if you just read over your chapter out loud before you post it, you will catch SO many mistakes. I read everything out loud first, even emails and especially essays. P It's one of the other things I preach about. Reading other people's work, and proof reading your own. What I consider to be two requirements of a good writer.
The second point is about something I only learned this past semester in college, and is something I'm so, SO grateful to know now. It's that you have to be REALLY conscious of word choice. And, I mean, I always have been to an extend. I've always known that words have different connotations and that a single word can entirely change the flow of a sentence and the tone and whatever else.
However, what I learned it that there are a lot of cliches in word choice, and that your first instinct when you write an adjective or adverb, is usually not what you want to go with in the end, because the reason you think of it is that you've read it a million times before. And, for me especially, that's really true. I have this huge complex about how every thing I write is cliche in every way possible. And with fantasy, it's way too easy to fall into that. It's all through this chapter, but take the first paragraph for example:
"Jade whispered as she swiped her hand over the dusty characters on the door. She then traced the letters carefully with the tip of her index finger. As she traced, it revealed golden markings with amber borders."
Here's the list of words you could change for better impact in this alone: 'whispered', 'swiped', 'dusty', 'characters', 'traced', 'revealed', 'markings'. Now, that isn't to say all of these words need to be changed. Not at all. You'll probably end up keeping all of them. However, grab a thesaurus. Look up one of the words you think could benefit the story by being less predictable, and follow a little search path from one synonym to another, until you find a word with a more exact meaning, or a double meaning, or something with a connotation that isn't obvious, but actually a reference to a really important plot point.
While exhausting, it can actually be really fun to do. Since learning this, I now circle every word I could possibly make less obvious as I write it, and come back with a thesaurus after a couple days of spacing from the work. Just try it. And, in fact, this whole word choice and connotative meaning thing can be way more important in poetry, and since that's your main medium, it would probably be a real eye-opener for you. At least, it was for me. )
The next point is your tiny issue with repetition. Especially in the exposition paragraph's about Zoruik's past. When you were talking about how his sister always got to pick the book because she was older and faster - I pretty much got that within the first sentence or two, but you continued for another couple paragraphs, and I instantly started to loose interest. I didn't want to know about his sister beating him for books, I wanted to know specifically what was IN the books, or more about his parents, or how his mother's and father's voices sounded when they read, or even what it felt like to be shoved against the door frame by his sister as she ran past him.
There's this common saying that I don't doubt you've heard, and it's "show don't tell". Now, I think telling is wonderful when it's well dispersed with showing. You need both for a balanced story. It's like I was saying about my own writing, how I try to put direct, short sentences within flowery descriptions. And it's like essays, you have to prove every point you make with evidence. In the case of prose, your point is what you've told us (that his sister always beat him), and your proof is SHOWING us (HOW she beat him, and how it made him feel, etc.)
There's a misconception that showing is just the visual imagery, like your inclusion of, "Clear images of the evil smirk that spread across his sister's face when she turned to him before returning the book to where it belonged." (which is a sentence that needs a lot of proof reading, might I add). However, showing is MUCH more than that. In fact, I personally, would almost consider that telling. To me, showing it is making the reader see and FEEL what the character does. It's putting the reader IN the story be describing every detail. And, yeah, when you go back to edit, you'll understand that some details are entirely unimportant, and don't benefit the story in the slightest, but you'll also be surprised by the seemingly insignificant details that will give it that little bit of added charm.
And, again, that was my main issue with your prologue. There were a bunch of valid, nice points made, but very little evidence backing them up. So it seems to be a recurring thing in your writing, and is something I would suggest working on. ) If you don't want to go back and edit the whole story just yet, I'd suggest writing a few short stories instead where you explore the technique and try to perfect it in a way that's true to your own style. It's what I do, and that seems to work for me, but I'm no expert, and everyone is different, but, I mean, it's all I know to suggest.
Now, as for the plot aspect of this story. I feel like I'm missing something, and I'm guessing that has a lot to do with the fact that I didn't read the majority of the prologue. P Or maybe just because it's the beginning of the story and you're purposely withholding information. However, I CAN say I find Jade and Kyle a little boring. Kyle's continued use of "bro" annoyed me a little bit, and they both seemed a little bit cardboard-cutout. And this may be because it's only the beginning of the story, and they'll develop later, but for now, they really don't hold much interest for me. So, right now, I'd suggest working on developing them into more multi-dimensional, original characters, but I may be getting ahead of myself, and you might have achieved this later on.
Zoruik, on the other hand, I'm unsure about. I don't think I gained enough of an idea about him from this chapter at all to be able to talk about him. He's just kind of a name on the page right now, and I'm not sure why, but I'll see if it changes during my reading, and if not, hopefully I'll figure out why. Ooh! Maybe it has something to do with the telling vs. showing? I dunno.
Anyhow. I hope that was helpful,
| Alora The Sleepy chapter 1 . 1/4/2011
You caught my interest really well in the beginning. The use of firing this information at me in the opening paragraphs was very good. However, the more 'telling' (as opposed to 'showing') I read in the form of historical context, the less interested I became. If your summary hadn't intrigued me so much, I would have simply clicked the back button. But, as it is, I am really curious, so instead of going back, I scrolled down to the bottom. And your closing line was just as awesome as the opening line.
So here's my suggestion, and you're probably not going to like it, because I've heard it told to me a million times and I never like it, but in the end I always take it - scrap the prologue. Work all this information into the prose of the actual story. Or write a substantially shorter prologue giving less INFORMATION and just dropping terms like, "the war", etc. to get people even more intrigued. Because, in my experience, people don't like prologues, and that's one of the reasons fantasy isn't as widely read as it should be (in my opinion P). I, personally, love prologues, but only when they're written in a way that SHOWS the historical context rather than relaying it.
I know this isn't a book, but the first X-Men film is a great example. That opening scene with Magneto as a kid during the Holocaust and the manifestation of his power where he pulls down the gate. And, I mean, it doesn't so much give historical context as just set a stage and get you super interested, but Patrick Rothfuss's prologue in The Name of the Wind is amazing. If that is by chance on Google books anywhere, you should totally read it. Hell, you should buy and read that whole book. God, it's a wonderful book. But... yes. P
The POINT is, I'd much rather have gone from that little quote at the top and straight into some action. Perhaps the three people (children? I don't know, I didn't read the rest of this P) actually finding the door? Or maybe you cover that in the first chapter. I don't know. Just spit balling here. But that's all I have to say for now. I may review the first chapter, but I probably won't review after that until I get the the end of what you've written so far. )
Hope I helped,
| HeroofEnelios chapter 15 . 1/3/2011
Eh heh, Kyle had nothing to do with the flash of colors before. Nothing at all...in fact it was Zoruik, I think. Their training that they go through sounds awfully entertaining, and now their father is in the picture. Oh boy. This should be good. Great chapter, I loved it. I can't wait to read more!
| Mad Asher chapter 1 . 1/3/2011
I like the beginning quote but it's hard to determine if this quote pertains to the present day of 'reality' or just in the story. Granted the estimation is in 'millions' but still...add four digits before the million and i'm pretty sure the estimation is easily in billions.
I like the 'Y'hier' the world kinda sounds cool, I like how you set up the mystery of the 'door' and how 3 kids stumble upon it. A solid prologue at the very least.
| HeroofEnelios chapter 14 . 12/31/2010
Ahh...where to begin. I like Jade's character a lot. Something about her is just so lovable it's hard to get mad at her. Heh heh, Couch-potato Jade. Nice. I loved this chapter, please write more soon!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 13 . 12/31/2010
So this, mom is actually their step-mother? She seems a bit wierd to me, not wanting a Y'hier in the house. She almost seems, evil. Heh, once again a great chapter. :)
| HeroofEnelios chapter 12 . 12/31/2010
Yoruik is being rather strange in this chapter, stranger than usual and I have no idea why. Also, I noticed all of the rage Zoruik had is gone. Not some of it, all. Great chapter once again, I'm really enjoying this!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 11 . 12/31/2010
Seems like whatever rage Zoruik had from last chapter is gone, and he's handling Jade better than before. Wow. That's a first. Great job with this chapter!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 10 . 12/31/2010
Wow, long chapter and lots of intense moments between the characters. So it is not good to anger an Y'hier. Does, poking them count? Just kidding. Hey great chapter by the way, really great update.
| HeroofEnelios chapter 9 . 11/12/2010
You know it's quite interesting to see that Jade doesn't really get along with her brother and she is still acting like a child at thirteen, yet she doesn't seem to really believe in the Y'heir and that seems to contradict what a child tends to believe. Really great chapter and write more soon!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 8 . 11/12/2010
You know Jade may be adventurous but she sure does have quite the attitude. I agree with the others, if Jade doesn't believe in the Y'heirs then I don't see how she won't be arrogent. Then again I'm sure she will regardless, heh. Great chapter!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 7 . 11/12/2010
Okay, I am seriously getting the impression that Eoreik has two personalities, or at least a twin of himself or something. Heh heh, this story is really great and I am enjoying it. Great job!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 6 . 11/12/2010
My only question for this chapter is does Eoreik have two personalities? Cause it sure seems that way when he's around the others. Hm...well anyways, another great chapter!
| HeroofEnelios chapter 5 . 11/12/2010
Zoruik is being a tad bit rude. No scratch that, he's being REALLY rude to his sister. That's just awful, I wonder what his problem is? Waa, great chapter!