|Reviews for Stricken Our Family Why!|
| Frap chapter 1 . 11/11/2010
Okay sweetie. I started this and then stopped. The first thing that stopped me is What is WB? Then I realized you mean the studio Warner Brothers...right? Okay, if you plan to use abbreviations please put a key somewhere. If I didn't watch cartoons (Cough) I wouldn't have gotten that. The next thing is your tenses.
You need to tell this in present or past. You keep switching. It's often easier to tell a story in past tense or use first person and do it in the present, but just as long as you pick one. THe next thing I picked up was the use of lower case letters at the beginning of your sentences. Those need to be all caps, luv. I was a little muddled at the beginning also as to where they were heading but I realize they were on the lot. Okay I don't know a thing about Gilmore Girls so you may want to bring in a bit more information for your readers. Don't assume we know.
I like how you are setting us up to think about what this girl has or may be treated for, but there are little things that are mesing up the read. When the conversation is going on you don't ahve to keep saying Lauren tells her or Melissa tells her. We already know they are talking unless you introduce someone else. You may want to subsitute that with some actions like...Lauren placed her head in her hand still upset or Melissa gave a reassuring smile and walked over to console her. Something like that. There a a couple of other things but this is enough for you for now. I like it so far and it just needs some cleaning up and tighteening. It reads like your rough dravt so, just give it a look see and hopefully you will post up that next chapter.
Hope this helps. Frap