|Reviews for Like Eiderdown & Disendowers|
| tstul006 chapter 9 . 4/15
Vladimir Kush fan? I like him too. Reminds me a bit of Dali. Of course I'm totally generic in the fact that I really love Picasso.
Anyway off my little art tangent...
Oh Tom just when you had a chance to get your sister back you screw it up.
I actually hadn't realized Rebecca had fainted in the last chapter. I thought she'd fallen asleep against the door. I reread it and realized I just read wrong. (This is normal.)
So it was nice to see a bit of Dan's past and also to see where he lived. He's such a good guy, but I understand why Rebecca doesn't trust him. (I wouldn't trust anyone if I was her.)
I wonder why she's so scared to go to the police? Is she still worried about what people will think of her? Or maybe she's scared of the prospect of going into foster care. She's 17 right so she'd only be in it one year... and if I remember correctly foster kids automaticly get approval for financial aid. Seems like a good deal compared to all the other stuff she's been handed. Poor girl.
Okay I'm going to head to bed now. I'll read the next chapter tomorrow. Promise.
| tstul006 chapter 8 . 4/15
First off... Sorry it's taken me so long to review again. I have no excuse. (bows head in shame)
So I loved the interaction at the beginning between Rebecca and Alex. I mean I know it wasn't much but it showed just how much of a teenager Rebecca is... I mean she seemed to care so much about what Alex thought of her and she even thought about how she wanted everyone to think she was normal. This isn't a bad thing of course because it's how most teens are. Those awkward years... no one could pay me enough to repeat that.
Okay next I have to talk about dear Tom. So I'm not saying Rebecca should forgive him because he is awful but right now she needs to choose the lesser of the two evils. At least Tom isn't giving her to the highest bidder. So my advice for her would be to stay in school, avoid Phylan at all costs and pray that she gets a scholarship to college... or maybe she could get some fin aid. Then she can leave the town and never look back...
I'm glad Dan went to check on Rebecca. I know he's attracted to her which really there's no shame in that, I'm glad that he's chosen not to act on it. (Yet...) I'm glad to see a responsible adult in this because all the others seem... ummm crazy.
Anyway great chapter. I'll try to make sure I don't let so much time go before I read chapter 9. I may actually read it tonight if I can finish my writing quota.
| Ventracere chapter 4 . 4/15
Character: Awww. Dan. He cares so much and she is just one of his star students. The fact that he cares is decent. The romance is budding here, however, it isn’t too heavy that we have to wince and read it twice over. His observant nature - how can he not be? he’s a teacher - allows us to see a bigger picture than most other people will. He’s concerned and that definitely reflects on him in a good way. I want to see how he is going to carry this on farther. He’s definitely attracted to her - if the note about her eyes and the lilt of her voice is to mean anything.
Other: The descriptions! The descriptions. They made me insanely happy. Other than the fact that it’s raining down here of course. But the way you set up the scene was fantastic. It’s raining, Dan’s in a semi-iffy mood - he’s worried about Rebecca’s mental (?) state. I think what got me the most had to be the Splenda comparison with Rebecca and how you carried that through with the rest of the first half of the kept going back to it, and every single time, I shouldn’t have been surprised, but - “Her words were gushed like the rain” and “Sugar free syrup drizzled over her words” :D
One little note about that. Usually when I see sugar sweet, my mind goes to saccharine sweet, which isn’t entirely a good thing. Rebecca is supposed to be actually sincere, except when she’s defending herself, which was definitely a good deal here.
Okay, before we go on. Let’s look at the dearth of things that you’ve included that I’m bouncing off the walls about (don’t ask). 1. The crucible. 2. Salem witch trials. 3. The Wealth of Nations. This is awesome. Alrighty, back to what I was doing before:
Scene: oh, oh oh. :( Tom how could you? He is a loose cannon. Anyways, I think this part where Rebecca is defending herself is by far the strongest and fastest scene you have in this chapter. Personally, I’m not a big fan of these scenes, but they happen, and you did it in a decent (that’s not the right word, I apologize) manner. I do feel he is a little out of character, but he’s drunk, so that’s up in the air. I think the parts that rung out the most was “That didn’t happen. Before” and “she wept angry tears and wished he were dead.” Punctual and to the point. Those are strong and they ring to close out that particular portion of the chapter. It’s a disappointing low for Tom and as a reader it hits me just so that you kind of want to shake Rebecca a little and ask her, “why do you let him?” then again, she doesn’t have a choice and she was blindsided. Like you mentioned, “that didn’t happen. Before.”
Ending: This was a breath compared to that last portion. I think before, I would have been a little iffy that Rebecca was going to Mr. Phelan for comfort, but he’s close to Tom and he knows more about Rebecca than Dan. AT least she has two people she can confide in. “And he listened like he knew she had become a loose cog in a well oiled machine”
Well, that goes to say that even Rebecca knows that she’s losing herself. Tom isn’t the only fixture in her life, but he lost her respect a long time ago. In a sense, that last sentence is ominous. Rebecca is a loose cog, and she’s continually wiggling with everything Tom goes on a bender/treats her unkindly.
| echogirlcapri chapter 13 . 4/14
Hiya! Sorry for the long wait. I hope to do a few chapter today as I'm going through the Roadhouse :)
I don't know what seminar style is. Maybe I'm just ignorant to the ways of the world, but that line really threw me off. It's the usual for upperclassmen to pick on freshman though, so you really hit that one on the head! I like the description of third term, though I'm wondering just how grades can affect housing prices. You set the chapter stage very clearly and precisely.
Spicy perfume. Interesting.
[ Enough of a character no one saw past the fumes of his extraversion and achievements. ] Sounds like a sentence fragment to me. I could be wrong, but in any case it seems a little out of place all on its own line here. Maybe you could work it in somewhere where it would flow better.
Hehe, the gift Phelan gives Dan - ouch! Love the twist there - I totally wasn't seeing that coming! Hmm, wonder what Phelan has planned next? He certainly is a nasty character.
I love Rebecca's interaction with Arielle and Hannah, especially when they joke about clothes not fitting Rebecca right. I don't remember any mention of her being shorter than average, but too well I know the plight of a small person trying to borrow clothes! (Although, she could probably roll up the legs on the pants.)
Oooh, Phelan interrupts! I love how his scheming is interfering, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of him in the story. I can't wait to see what happens next! And sorry for taking this long to return your review.
| Vladvonbounce chapter 23 . 4/9
Long time since I last read this :)
'Now was when she should not say good'. Would that read better as 'say not good'?
I found the first part rather confuisng but then I think i worked it out she is imagining having a conversation with a counsellor? I think that could have been a little bit clearer.
"I'm getting out the shower," - out of
Were she curious, she would have asked if he like her ever felt like an outsider among outsiders, an outsider among insiders, an outsider among those bleeding through the selectively permeable membrane in between, an insider confined by all the thoughts swirling within her mind.- That's a bit of a mouthful but I get the point, sort of.
Her phone sounded on.- rang?
He thought, whoever said silence was golden was a sheltered extrovert.- I really like this line, very true. I hate silence.
I like the impression you get of their relationship in the last part. Although I felt like the bit with the family on the bus went on a bit. Not sure if disremember is a word, forget? I think Rebecca's silence is very frustrating but also makes sense and is relatable, so good work there.
I think writing on the plane would only get brownie points if it was one of those really small planes. on a commercial plane not so much :P
| cybersheep chapter 4 . 4/8
Hi hi :D. Roadhouse return thang (ooh and this is faerie-gumdrops, btw :P).
So I read this on my way back today, and I’m going to be utterly hopeless reviewing (good start, eh?) because your writing is too too pretty. And jeeps your authors notes are so modest, bless you!
I’ll start with the extremely teeny tiny things I spotted, all of which are probably completely ignorable (I was really scrimping about)! There’s a little bit of (not really) repetition in Dan’s bid with ‘drove home’ and ‘head home’ within two lines – I think it would be fine to delete one of them. Also, same thing with the not wanting to live ‘in the 1600s’ thang – just maybe cut the first one and have Rebecca go straight into sympathising with Abigail? Ummm and in Rebecca’s bit, you have ‘Fuck. Dumb. Bitch. Lazy. Slut’ *titters at swearing in ma review* - I think because it’s been a while since Tom called her ‘bitch’, whereas the others are said in the line before, it maybe looks a little odd having ‘bitch’ in there? Ummm…And that’s literally it. How unhelpful am I, eh?
OKAY GUSH NOW.
First, ooh you make me want to start reading The Crucible. You handle teaching / class etc. so nicely, it seems so genuine (like I wouldn’t be surprised as all if you’d done teaching work etc.). It also fits in with your story so nicely – like the school stuff doesn’t get shoved to one side once like plot and stuff happen, it’s totally accounted for. Like shittt, I could never multitask like that :p.
As ever too, I really like what you’re doing with Rebecca, and the stuff with Tom here was super intense and believable. I like how Tom is a bit of a douchebag, but he’s actually quite relatable – like…I think I know quite a few people who are like him. He seems a little depressed, I guess, by his lack of success (but maybe I’m jumping to conclusions) – how he constantly seems to be playing himself up, and getting drunk to cover things up. The way that he seems to be trying so hard to impress everyone, as well as the way that he tries to get successful people to like him, makes him seem a little like he needs to be loved, in a way. He also seems pretty self-involved and damaged. AND DON’T WE ALL, HUH? But yeah, douche. Don’t wake up your sister like that Tom. Don’t accidentally hit her between the boobs. Just don’t, dude. No.
‘This didn’t happen. Before’ – I didn’t quite understand this line, but it was totally me. Just wondering if you could explain, in case I’m being an eejit?
I like Ari. Conversations about zits are lovely. I am gross. But so is Ari. So that’s okay.
Hmmm. What now? Oh your details! So pretty! In particular, I liked the ‘metal water tower’ thing – like so strange and random, but it somehow works? Yummy :D.
I’ve read the next chapter too! I’ll review in the next few days (unless I forget, because I’m an idiot).
| Ventracere chapter 3 . 4/5
"Tom believed that time was money" - that is such a common thought. Get stuff done, don't waste time. At the same time, it does emphasize his character. I'm getting the idea that he truly is like Percy, too enraptured in his own problems and head to see what else he is doing around him. I feel bad for Rebecca, of anything, it's always nice to have someone to lean on in the nuclear family, but in that case, it pushes her towards Dan.
Side note - how fitting you wrote about the spring formal. It captures the exact way high school formals and dances are. They aren't much and the way you described it is right on target. "The musk of perfume and sweat overpowered but did not mask the odor of dust and wax." This conjures the image of a dark and dank gym with hastily strung lights trying to "mask" the imperfections of an age old high school.
Oh god. Mr. Phelan is one of a kind. He just comes off as more of an odd man, one that you don't want to be caught alone. Everything he seems to say strikes me kind of off (I don't know why but instead of fatherly or fondly, "sweetheart" coming from him makes me feel a little antsy for Rebecca). However, he tends to hit the nail right on the head. Especially when he says that Thoma may be pushing her around so. It's great the Rebecca defends her brother, but hopefully she learns to stand for herself.
Little squick. Your jump from where Dan asks for his orange juice to when he takes it to the courtyard is a little... It's not jolting, but it's not smooth either. It's a different scene and I think it might help to separate the two like you did with the previous parts when Rebecca transitions from talking to her friend on the phone to the Spring Formal to talking with Mr. Phelan.
| Ready-To-Begin chapter 1 . 4/2
Reviewing hoping for a return (read from Roadhouse)...
I didn't really (probably the only one) feel a hook here for the start, the think about the desk really didn't interest me. I like the descriptions of the girl in the third paragraph. It was sort of like leading on and at the same time telling straight out how she was. The next part was good indirect characterization too. “I wanted a little more from your body” the reader already knows how this story will turn out by this line, I mean look at the next about him wanting company. He seems a bit like a creepier though even still, being alone is a said thing when you know the love of someone else. That last few sentence I wrote becomes more and more real by each word. Was that intentional writing for a duel meaning or am over thinking this... So this story is trying to prove that because she likes the smarter, studious type that she is a better person? I don't buy that, in fact, I almost think that's a bit wrong. It's the same kind of love in a way though more physical for them. Taking PreCal? Is she like a highschooler or was she just not for the whole taking more classes when you are younger to save money thing? I hope she is in college, let's at least keep it legal. Other then the story it's self, (I'm just not for the whole teacher dates student thing, it really creeps me out because of things I hear that happen all the time) I think that the descriptions are great and the characterization is even better. The metaphors and similes are great too, good read if you are into this kind of story.
| cybersheep chapter 3 . 3/31
Omg school dances… Bleh, I was totally the Rebecca at the dance. And we totally had that winter thing too – why call something ‘Spring’ if it happens in February? Ugh and for some reason, parts were always OUTSIDE. Who wants to go outside on a night in February *shudder*. ANYWAYS. I loved your description of this scene ‘They were dance freaks, oh so young, their smooth skin taut over damp limbs, slaves to the music’s flow’ – so pretty :D. Or like, as pretty as a sentence containing the words ‘damp limbs’ can be. Oh shudder, those things always smelt like armpit :(. It’s fun to get to see this from a teacher’s POV too – all the gossip and joking in the staff room. Damn, dances must be weird for teachers; I’ve never really thought about it before!
Rebecca is as lovely and relatable as ever in this one. One thing that threw me off a little was that Phelan’s drawl ‘made goose bumps and hairs on the nape of her neck stand up’ because I think so far she hasn’t seemed outwardly creeped out by him (even though he creeps me out)? Like clearly the guy is a bit of a slime to the reader, but Rebecca hasn’t seemed to notice this yet, so maybe the goosebump reaction is a little inconsistent? Unless some part of her is grossed out, and the subtlety has just passed my stupid head by :p.
I really liked that line Dan has - ‘Why are we so upset’ – so sweet and empathic, as well as showing the way that their lives are, in a way, quite similar. And the double meaning of ‘in the dark’ was a nice way to end things too. It’s fun to see these guys sort of reaching out to each other, and then drawing back. Ohhh complications….
I like how you sort of flit between scenes here. You seem to pick which parts to show very well e.g. skipping the bit between Rebecca dancing, and Rebecca going to get water. I’d be tempted to fill in all the in between (bad habit :p) which would totally slow everything down, but your flow is lovely and light. So far, I haven’t noticed any scenes that should be cut or expanded upon.
| cybersheep chapter 2 . 3/31
Haha, the Cheerios at the end thing was really pretty cute :p. I like the dialogue etc. you’ve got going on between Dan and Rebecca. Their relationship…I’m finding hard to place it at the moment (in a good way) – like friends or what? – I’m not sure what’s going to happen, or whether it’ll even be positive or negative, and look forward to finding out. They both seem to actually have quite a bit in common - illustrated by the fact that they’re both in school early. Like they both need to escape or something – they’re both maybe a little unsatisfied. AND HAVE NO ONE TO CUDDLE. AND CUDDLES ARE IMPORTANT.
The restaurant scene was great; I could totally sympathise with all the awkwardness of a menu you don’t understand, while trying to make a good impression. Eek. I liked that comment about how Tom might have studied French for years to get prepared for places like this. Also, meeting Phelan was fun. Obviously got a bit of a slime vibe there :p. And it sounds all very pretty and pretentious – I like how the maître d’ was full of smiles, but was clearly unimpressed with Rebecca and her poor crinkled dress. Reminds me of the sort of place when they stuff you in the corner if you’re wearing bad shoes (grr).
Tom was great, for a guy who doesn’t seem necessarily likable. I loved all your little touches on his character – the way he likes people to think he’s more successful than he is, and the way he talks about The Market almost like it’s some sort of god or dragon that needs to be appeased. It was funny to see this all from Rebecca’s point of view; she seems to know her brother (or at least this side to him) pretty well, but obviously all the Market stuff is of no interest whatsoever to her, or is completely over her head.
The changing relationship between Rebecca and Tom following what happened to their parents was really interesting. ‘The year Rebecca stopped being a sweet girl, a clever girl, and a pretty girl’ – this was so yum. Kudos for you for fitting in so much family history in here; I ate it right up. And all the little details (e.g. why the grandparents and aunts/uncles didn’t take on Rebecca) made their family life seem totally believable.
| cybersheep chapter 1 . 3/31
Hiii! Look at your baaaaby, isn’t it pretty? I’ll say now that you’re writing is so much more refined and sophisticated that mine will ever be, so if there’s any CC amidst all the gush I’m about to spew, take everything with a pinch of salt! Or like a bowl of salt. Or maybe the ocean.
I love how well you’ve used this chapter to introduce us to your characters – in particular this opening you’ve got going on with Dan. While it’s not obviously BLOOD AND GUTS AND SEX hooky, your writing I think really draws us in. You have a lovely, melodic way of describing things, and I think it also really helped that you kept Rebecca’s name away from the first few paragraphs – as a reader, I really wanted to find out more about ‘her’ and about who the heck she is.
Mmm, I liked the balance here of the awkwardness. Knowing how Dan feels about Rebecca, the tension becomes something that she doesn’t seem to see. I love how well you work her naivety, and it’s so fun to see the sort of sexual tension that she doesn’t. Makes me want to read more because you’ve got an interesting sort of conflict going on already – like conflict between the POVs and attitudes going on. Gah, I’m not making sense. But I liked it :D.
Your characters have got these great subtleties going on. I like how Rebecca is both naïve and wry. And Dan’s great – he obviously has feelings for Rebecca which aren’t exactly teachery, but he doesn’t seem that lecherous – really, he seems like a nice guy at the moment. It’s cool that there are all these layers to be pried apart, and I’m really looking forward to see how these guys change over the course of your story.
Your writing’s lovely and smooth – dashed with all these clever little observations. I think the only thing I can possibly give CC on – and I’m literally scrounging for stuff – was um the paragraph starting with ‘He thought her endearing the way hardworking students are’ paragraph, because it’s repeating sentiments implied by the earlier paragraphs a bit. He talks about her writing in the third paragraph, so he already seems fond of her because of it. But I’m being OBSCENELY nitpicky, as I said.
Okay, I need to go cook now, but I’ll be back to this very soon :D.
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel chapter 4 . 3/29
I found this a very beautiful chapter. You showed us a side of your characters we had never seen before. No matter how much you know about a person there is always something new to learn, a part of them you can't see. You have written very relatable characters, which makes your story all the more wonderful to read. It's realistic in its own unpredictable way, as life usually is. I especially enjoyed the part when Rebecca describes her weekend as "Lovely", but Mr. Waters can hear the bitter undertones. Even the small details can give us insight. So many of use try to go through our day denying anything is wrong, wearing a smile we don't quite believe in. I really felt the truth in your writing, very beautiful.
Thank you so much for sharing this story and its characters with us. You write in a way that shows us life from a different angle, looking past the illusions. It is like a slow realization. I'm glad Rebecca has people she feels she can talk to. This may be the last review promised in our trade but you have convinced me to keep reading. Well done.
| tstul006 chapter 7 . 3/27
Oh thank god Rebecca got out of there.
The POV switch was flawless in my eyes. I honestly didn't get confused at all.
I wish Rebecca would trust Dan he's the only friend she's got now. And now I wonder where she'll go. I'm so nervous for her.
Okay, so I'm confused as to why the man in the beginning just gave the key to Dan. Was it a way to keep him quiet about what he'd overheard? Or did he just think Dan was a scumbag too?
Anyway, so your description of the mansion was nice. It wasn't too over done like I see sometimes where writers will go as far as to tell the color of the backsplash in the half bath that the character peed in once... :)
I also liked how Rebecca squicked at being called sweetie. It shows that this ordeal has had an emotional toll on her, which adds that much more depth to her character.
I'm also happy that she isn't acting like some damsel in distress. She saw her way out, she took it, and she didn't need a prince to save her. Though I still think she needs Dan, as a friend not as a savior.
Can't wait to read more. :) You left this one on a cliffhanger. Must read on. :)
| tstul006 chapter 6 . 3/24
Okay so I’m a little confused. Is Dan the only teacher there? And is the winner of the raffle the one that gets Rebecca or is that a separate thing all together?
I liked how Dan found the book and immediately knew it was Rebecca’s. (Oh there’s hope for her yet.)
I knew poor Lucia had no choice in the matter. I’m glad you wrote it that way because she’s such a likable character that I would have hated for her to turn out to be heartless.
My fingers are crossed that Rebecca makes it out of this with her innocence in tact... (nervous.)
| Un-Ended Tales Unravel chapter 3 . 3/23
Another wonderful chapter. I especially liked your description in the dancing scene. The imagery was fantastic and I could truly imagine the scene quite vividly. Your introduction of new characters was very natural and it didn't feel like you were introducing too many at the same time. Even with their short introductions I still got a feel for what kind of characters they had. I always enjoy when Rebecca and Mr. Waters get to interact, however brief it is. I look forward to seeing further development in their relationship.
Mr. Phelan's proposal brings a new twist to this story and I look forward to seeing how you use it. Rebecca seems like the kind of character who likes to keep her true feelings hidden around most people, even her brother. Maybe she'll find someone she can trust, perhaps she can confide in Mr. Waters. So far I am thoroughly enjoying your story. One more review to go in our trade.