|Reviews for Like Eiderdown & Disendowers|
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 24 . 2/16/2014
First, I just want to congratulate you on finishing this story! That's definitely the biggest step in writing anything: seeing it to the end. Whether or not you decide to start with a second draft or to revise this one, I wish you the best of luck in finding the inspiration and motivation to do so. And if at any time you need someone to bounce ideas off of or to ask questions, don't hesitate to send me a PM. :)
(Also, I just want to let you know now that I have a head cold and I'm pretty hopped up on Benadryl, so if anything I say doesn't make sense, again, don't hesitate to PM me. I would wait but, call me vain, I want to be the first person to review your final chapter. xD)
1.) I really like the details and imagery you incorporate in the first scene. I've been reading a lot of Faulkner this semester, so I'm more used to writing that's a bit more whimsical in structure and doesn't necessarily follow a "normal" timeline. I think these mini scenes sort of just show the relationship between Rebecca and Dan, almost like a reel of slides as to what's happened from the end of the last chapter to this one. I am a little curious as to how much time has passed, so that might be something you may want to consider adding because I think it's important for the end of this story as well - that way we'll know just how much time Rebecca and Dan have had together before shit potentially hits the fan. I don't think it's necessary, but I think it has the potential to leave a more emanating effect if I knew they have only had a week together opposed to maybe, say, a few months. I'd feel more sadness, I think, if it had only been a week or so. But anyways, I think each of these scenes says something interesting about their connection, especially the dream Rebecca has with the gun and how she "kills" Dan with it. Makes me wonder if that's some type of foreshadowing that tells us what'll happen to their relationship - that it's going to die before it really gets a chance to live.
2.) Yeah I didn't have any problem with you dipping in and out of the past. Other readers might, but I've been reading so much Faulkner that I'm now totally used to that type of stuff happening. xD I only say "other readers might" because from when you first started this story to the present style of the writing, it's changed a lot. I think you've lost a lot of the romance/genre feel and have crafted something a lot more literary - which may or may not stand well with the people who first started reading this. Personally, I love that you're getting more experimental and taking more risks and really crafting a unique story-telling style. For those who are more comfortable with genre story-telling, they may get confused here. But I think this is where you need to think about your intended audience: do you want this to come across as more literary and experimental, or do you want it to be more like conventional "genre"? I'm going to guess literary, so in that sense, I think you're fine. All you're doing is asking the reader to put forth more effort to absorb the story. There's nothing wrong with that, and I think the amount of effort "demanded" isn't all that much. I was able to get the gist of things with just one reading.
3.) I don't mind the new location being mentioned. In fact, I think introducing it at the end is a good choice because it'll give the reader more to work with from the ending. Like, after Williamstown was mentioned, and after the ending where Jen bursts in on them, I'm wondering if they decide to skip town and travel to Williamstown in order to avoid some type of disciplinary consequences. So I think you're opening up new potentials with your ending rather than creating unnecessary confusion. I trust you enough as an author to know you put Williamstown in there for a certain purpose, and now I'm sort of finding more closure from the ending by making up my own "what happens after this story ends?" possibilities by using Williamstown. As for the Lindens, I don't mind them either. The English major in me is actually finding it really fun to figure out how the Lindens' protectiveness over their daughter compares to the protectiveness Dan feels for Rebecca. Since Dan is old enough to be Rebecca's father, I think there are some interesting comparisons you could make, especially from the stuff the Lindens say about wanting to look out for their daughter and the lengths they'll go to to protect her from things that really aren't within their capacity to protect her from (like slipping grades). I also found it ironic when they said they were going to go to the superintendent, and then Dan thinks about the position Phelan once held, lol.
4.) I think the ending leaves open the possibility for a lot of different things to happen. Like I already mentioned, maybe they skip town after they realize Jen knows what's up between them, and they go to Williamstown. Maybe they don't and they stay and have to deal with this scandal. Or maybe Jen agrees to not say anything, and they can stay under the radar until Rebecca is old enough. Like you mentioned before, I don't really see how this type of story can have an immediate happy ending and still be realistic - mainly because of the stigmas society places on this exact situation. However, I do see the possibility of a more bitter-sweet ending, so like them leaving town or Jen agreeing to keep this whole thing a secret. But even those situations can turn out worse - what if they're tracked down even after they leave town? What if someone else finds out and exposes them, and then Jen is charged with obstruction of justice for not turning them in? So if I had to consider this ending anything, I would definitely consider it realistic and slightly tragic.
If there is anything I might want to see more of, maybe it's Jen's reaction to catching them together. But that could totally be my inner reader speaking because I just want to *know more* for my own enjoyment. However, I think maybe expanding a little more on Jen's reaction may make the "after the story ends" events a little clearer, if you want them to be clearer.
I can't really think of anything technique-wise that could use improvement. You're one of the few writers on FP who I trust to know what you're doing, and so if I might not get something or understand something (nothing specific jumps to mind in this regard in this chapter), I usually assume it's on my end and I'm not reading close enough or just not getting something. But yeah, I can't really think of anything technique-wise that could be improved. I will say that I think it's really cool how the last line is written in first-person. I'm still trying to figure out if that's Rebecca speaking, or the narrator speaking through some fourth-wall. I like the ambiguity there.
Let me know if you have any other questions! And once again, grats on finishing this story! :D
| Persevera chapter 18 . 2/15/2014
I like Jen a lot in this chapter. Earlier I thought she might be a little too flippant but here, she seems like the voice of sanity, the only one who is asking the important question of why this girl is involved with two men in the school. Maybe if she takes some interest in her, she can help Rebecca clean up her life.
The scene in the record store is good to show how normal it should be for Rebecca. She should be able to get a job in a store and get to know and be friends with someone like Pete, but Phelan is always there for whatever reason to take her out of normal.
For plot device the development of the idea that she needed him (Dan) and he wanted her to she wanted and needed him was really effective. Of course Rebecca doesn't really know what she wants, except to be left alone, but if she can't have that, then Dan seems to be at least comforting. And the poor girl is exhausted.
The ending is sad. The uniqueness of their situation is something that both of them could go on about for hours, if anyone cared to listen. But all anyone will care about is how inappropriate they are. It's easy to imagine master manipulator Phelan helping to make Dan look like a predator and he will have removed Rebecca's last ally.
It's been a long time since I've read this, but luckily this chapter didn't have a lot of new characters so I was able to get right back into it.
It's one that I had thought about sometimes after I'd read it so I'm glad to be able to return to it.
| Epic Myth chapter 18 . 2/14/2014
I noticed this chapter is a lot shorter than the previous, which is good, but I don't mind if it had been just as long or if you went into further details. But the brevity of this chapter was so much that it read so quickly and now it ended. Maybe it's because the last two chapters I wrote in my story have been rather long, but I feel like I've grabbed something beautiful, but it slipped from my finger tips.
But give me a week, and maybe I won't feel like that. Still, what's more important is that everything was fairly clear. I understood each point of the plot and why the characters did what they did. I had a sense of disbelief, but not so much that it got carried away and made any of the character's actions unbelievable. It was all rather awesome, and heart-throbbing.
It was also still shocking and somewhat... surprising. I loved the interaction with Pete and Rebecca, it was genuine and funny and I honestly thought Pete had this amazing secret when he stereotyped. It was hilarious. That was a precious moment which contrasted the serious and very dramatic nature of the ending with Dan and Rebecca.
It feels so hopeless. But their union... it's so sweet. God. Here I am, a writer of such vulgar and hard knock things. But stuff like this hits me in the feels.
My feels... good work.
| Firewind555 chapter 2 . 2/12/2014
I've only read till chap 2, so here is my opinion:
I like your writing style-it's delicate, clean and it makes me feel comfortable and engaged. Your descriptions were good too-although i felt that a few bits could have been shortened because there was a bit of dragginess(the probably in the restaurant scene) and the part in Tom's car. A bit of the back-story could also be shown through dialogue or action instead of narration(the parents).
For character relationships so far, I feel really comfortable with Rebecca and Tom's relationship as well as Mr Phelan(though his 'too nice' act unsettles me a bit especially when he invites Rebecca over). I get the feeling that Rebecca likes Dan in a 'good teacher' sort of way while Dan does like her(I want a little more of your body-paragraphs) and you really showed it through their actions well.
You stated that you would return the review? If you want to you could take a look at 'Turning In' for me. But other than that, the story is impressive even in the first couple chaps.
| addicted to lit chapter 1 . 2/10/2014
First, wow; I am impressed by you as a person! That is to say that I appreciate you thanking me for following your story; you didn't have to, I am only on Ch. 2 but from what I've read so far this is a good story and it deserves to be followed. Your gesture, however, just shows how much you truly care about your readers and how they react to your writing. So, thank you for reaching out to me, that was unexpected! I wanted to leave a detailed review but it's been so long since I've reviewed something that I wasn't really sure how to go about it; I saw that some readers broke down their thoughts by commenting on plot, characters, grammar, etc. specifically. I fear we may be here all day if I were to take the same approach; I tend to ramble and go off on tangents... as I am doing now. Enough of that! Down to the review; your PM has encouraged me to just go ahead and say what I feel.
How do I feel? Thoroughly impressed by you as a writer, so far. I find your writing style to be concise, intelligent... in the way that I find Hemingway to be concise and intelligent, though to be honest he's not my favorite, that is something I deeply admire about his work.
My favorite line, what hooked me is when Rebecca is described as a story that Dan wants to read. That is a beautiful metaphor; so simple and yet so powerful. I like the comparison of Sarago and Dan. I like imagining that someone like Benedict Cumberbatch is Dan. Someone who's not conventionally "hot," but just has that way of drawing attention.
This seems to be a story about the romance that occurs between a teacher and a student, but when it's stated that Rebecca doesn't want to imagine Dan naked I got the sense that she wasn't attracted to him; though I get the sense that he's attracted to her. Then, later at the end of the chapter, she leaves in a way that suggests that she is attracted to him, or maybe she's just bashful and easily embarrassed, not necessarily because she has a crush on him. I don't know; I could be reading too much into that, maybe you were going for the suspense but I thought that Rebecca's opinion on Dan was a little unclear. Unless this story is about a close friendship between a teacher and a student, in which case Rebecca's feelings are clear enough, and Dan is kind of a perv, lol.
Really, I think that's my only piece of constructive criticism; I would have liked to see both Rebecca and Dan's viewpoint on the question at hand established more clearly. The question being: is this a story about a romance between a teacher and his student?
Other than that, like I said, impressive first chapter. It made me click on Ch. 2, which there will be a review on that as soon as I finish.
You said you would return the review; you don't have to but if you do that would be greatly appreciated. No one has reviewed it yet so I look forward to hearing from you. I'm still working on my summary, which is probably why people aren't reading it (I'm reading the essay by and it has given me some major insight) so please disregard it, lol; I'm hoping to change it soon. All I can say is that it's about a dysfunctional relationship between two exes, inspired by Britney Spears' song Perfume, but in my story told from the mistress' point of view... if that makes sense at all... okay, again, rambling... Thank you for the PM.
| Epic Myth chapter 17 . 2/8/2014
Your first real action chapter you say? Well, I think you did some things right, a lot of things right, and made fell off just a bit.
Where I think you fell off was the last quarter of the chapter where Dan and Rebecca are together and Dan makes the mistake of revealing he cares about her. Nothing against that point of the chapter, but it feels like after such an action-pack and fast-paced chase scene, it kind of leads me into thinking, okay, here's the cliff hanger. Maybe that's because I've read a lot of comics where that's how a chapter or part of the story would end. And usually that works because people are like "Wow! Man did you see that! I didn't see that coming. Whew, good thing she's okay. Hooray! Oh no!"
But instead, we roll right into a slower portion that kills the adrenaline, only slightly.
But! It makes sense as a whole chapter, especially with all the things that have occurred. I really love the beginning with how she wants to be an awesome track star. This rings well with me because Joanna was a track runner who didn't fair so well. And prior to that, she was a dancer, so there's a lot of similarities between our characters a little.
Although, because of our conversation, I can see why you had that placed into Rebecca's character design. Because the way you described track, how the girls flowed by with round of deodorant and the twangeness of sweat... awesome.
Now the car chase, that was superb. How you listed off the street names or places she ran to, the corners she rounded, the speed she went at and how the mustang just drove along at a stalker's pace. And that statement about it being in suburbia is also a ringer! You wouldn't think these things would happen, nor would you think "Bumblebee" would be up to such a nefarious thing as kidnapping.
It's like rape. People think its some wild man who's been to prison a dozen times jumping out of the bushes to get them. No, it's the person you know, usually. Kidnappings aren't black vans, or vans to begin with. But society has it placed in our mind that these are what we are to look for as trouble.
Good chapter. I suggest cutting off the ending part where Dan shows up so the action remains dominant, and then place what you cut off into the next chapter or make it its own separate chapter, but that's up to you. It's really an stylistic thing.
Other than that, seriously, great work as always. Still jealous with how well you flow.
| Epic Myth chapter 16 . 2/2/2014
My god, not only did I feel like I was caressed by a somber, but beautiful dead hymn, but the ending left me cold inside and troubled. As always, reading your work is like poetry, it's marvelous and beautiful and simply genuine. It's witty and catty and at this point, I can't go one line without marveling at your words, but at the same time, it all flows so well.
At first, I didn't catch Phelan's lie, but I came to realize that what he wanted was to plant seeds of accusation with the students. And when the students get a whiff of something juicy, rumors spread like wild fire pretty damn fast.
I love the dialogue scene with Andy... but none of the dialogue could compare to the poetic prose you written of how Dan felt and how paranoid Rebecca was. And that ending... geez.
It's shocking...the plot gets faster too.
| IronicPuppies chapter 10 . 2/1/2014
So I read a whole bunch of chapters, let me go through them one at a time:
I thought this was a good introduction, especially since it’s clear the story isn’t going to be about one of those “Mr. Sarago” type characters. You took time to set up Dan and Rebecca as rounded characters and if this does end up being a student/teacher romance I’m glad it’s with characters like these.
One thing that stuck out was the line “She was a girl who could be his daughter.” I had to stop for a moment in confusion and reread it because only a few lines earlier Dan is noticing a low neckline, which isn’t really a description I’d expect of a girl who he would think of as a daughter.
But otherwise, great beginning. Also yes, mathematicians are inherently lazy ;)
When you introduce Tom I feel like you could have cut down on some of his background information, or maybe sprinkle some more of it in between the conversation with Roger when they are at the restaurant.
Now Roger Phelan is an interesting character, very charming almost to an uncomfortable degree; probably because of the way he so casually suggests that Rebecca visit him and brings up that Tom owes him a quarter million dollars. Especially toward the end of their conversation I get the feeling he is not as friendly as he seems.
The conversation between Rebecca and Dan is endearing, especially when they talk about The Crucible.
Now I definitely feel uneasy about Roger for so insistently bringing up Tom’s debt to him in conversation with Rebecca. I also noticed how you contrasted Rebecca’s relationship with Dan vs. with Roger by way of physical contact. While Roger talks about how unstable Tom is, he places his hand on her fist and yet when Dan asks her how she’s doing he makes sure not to touch her.
Just a small note, you bring up Abigail from The Crucible multiple times here and to someone who hasn’t read The Crucible the connection might not come across. Though you do provide some context for the Abigail reference, so it kind of works out. (Also I know the temptation to reference favorite books, I’ve done it myself)
And the last paragraph was ominous.
So first, I’m trying to decide how believable it is that Rebecca would agree to stay with Phelan. Certainly the scene in the last chapter with her brother is a convincing reason, especially if he’s never resorted to physical violence before. On the other hand, I’m not entirely sure what Rebecca’s opinion of Phelan is at this point. I know she’s repeatedly says that she likes him well enough, but she has also seemed uncomfortable in his presence, like during the school dance. She seems to have this opinion that he is some far off powerful business type and wouldn’t feel comfortable enough asking him to give her a room, especially since her brother owes Phelan money. Anyway, I was a little reluctant to believe she would move into his house, but not so much that I found it unbelievable.
Now that I’ve said that, this chapter is where everything you’ve written so far comes together and pays off. From the moment Phelan sits down on her bed I can tell what he’s planning to ask and for that entire exchange I am squirming in my seat. I did get a feeling that Rebecca thought she owed Phelan for all he’s done so the fact that she stayed and listened even after he asked her about her sex life certainly fits in with her character so far.
So Phelan’s actions in this chapter certainly came as a shocking surprise and at the same time all I could think at the end was how obvious it was that it came to this. In short, when a twist like this is both surprising and expected, that’s some good writing. This is the chapter that has made me want to continue more than any of the others.
Though just one other small thing; when Andy mentions to Dan that there will be a raffle at the party it I immediately thought that of course now Dan is going to find Rebecca at the party and something dramatic is going to happen. Personally I might leave out that detail just so the foreshadowing isn’t so blatant.
The detail about the temperature being precise to the tenth digit stuck out to me. Three or four digit precision would be impressive, but tenth digit just seems so unnecessarily precise in any engineering context.
Otherwise a good chapter. Glad to see Dan is on the case.
For the most part a well written chapter. I think Rebecca’s thoughts and actions are completely consistent with everything that has happened so far. On the other hand, I think Dan should have reacted a bit differently. Through the course of their conversation I think he’s receptive enough to realize the most salient details, namely that she was locked in that room with the intention that she have sex with the winner of the raffle. I think that once he realized that he would at least make an attempt to explain to Rebecca that he was not this predetermined winner by going into detail about his encounter with Jacob Bradford. I think it seemed pretty clear that some of Rebecca’s hesitancy was that she thought Dan was a willing participant so I think it’s reasonable to expect Dan would have made more of an effort to explain the situation.
At the end it looks like Rebecca is realizing that Dan is actually there to help her so it’s not as much of an issue, but I still think it would make sense for Dan to try an explain the situation to her better than he has.
I also find Rebecca’s choice to go back home somewhat questionable. She obviously needs somewhere to stay and home seems like one obvious choice, but in Rebecca’s case she found enough reason to leave home and live in the house of another man, so why would she so easily return home after how her brother has acted? Considering that she left home, I would expect her to try other options first, and she does mention staying at some friend’s house. The only reason she cites for not going to see her friends is that it would be a little annoying for them, but I think that would be far preferable to possible subjecting herself to her brother’s abuse, especially since she has almost been forced to have sex against her will so I’d imagine she’d be feeling protective of her body.
I can also imagine that’d she’d rationalize her brother’s behavior as a one time thing, and that he would be happy to see her now but if that is the case I wish that would be reflected a bit more in her thought process.
When she gets home, I like the part where she goes through Tom’s emails and finds the message he was planning on sending her. It’s good that we see both sides of Tom, the reckless drunk as well as the caring older brother.
I like how you use descriptions of Rebecca’s and Dan’s houses to describe their personalities, it gives a chance for them to get to know each other a bit more even in the midst of this crazy aftermath of Phelan’s party.
Not entirely sure why the police are never called since Rebecca never really gives Dan a good reason, but I suppose she’s too worried that Phelan will use Tom’s debt against her and Dan is to worried about making Rebecca as comfortable as possible, but if I were Dan I’d have called somebody by now.
After all the action so far, I think filling this chapter with some meaningful dialogue between Rebecca and Dan is well placed. I also think this was a great place for Dan to tell Rebecca about Sophie since it’s for the purpose of reaching out and trying to connect with her concerning this dilemma she has with her brother. It’s good character development.
Overall, I’d like to say this is a very enjoyable story. You have some excellent prose and your characters are very well defined. They have clear motives, their actions are believable and you take the time to showcase strengths and weaknesses for all of them, which makes for a great piece of writing.
| The Autumn Queen chapter 20 . 1/31/2014
Opening: what a gorgeous opening, thoguh it lends to being misread rather easily I think. The "it" is what does it; it's fascinating to have an "it" in such a scene when it's in part a romance story. A couple on a bridge is so rarely about the brige itself, and the last case I remember was when the lovers fought to the death on the bridge and destroyed it, so this makes for a stark comparision. :D I also love how Rebecca and Dan's relationship creeps in subtly, as opposed to being the main focus of that scene.
Relationships: I think this may be because the earlier chapters seem to have been rewritten, but their relationship seems far better developed than I remember it being. More gentle, less with all the problems that had laid between them. It's a scene where the lull of a relationship can be seen and that's perfectly fine, but somehow from previous chapters, I didn't expect the lull to be so soft and tender, like a regular romantic scene. I'd have expected problems like their age to still exist like a shadow over their heads, but even comments like "He thought about Andy telling him to bring a date" sort of go overhead.
Dan's relationship with Sophie is written beautifully, particularly the part of his dreams about a family, and how they'd been destroyed.
Flow: the first two parts of this chapter change quite dramatically in terms of flow; the SAT doesn't quite weave into their peaceful little moment on the bridge. On the other hand, the scenes in themselves are very nicely paced out, particularly how you present the test, speeding up to show moments of tension, slowing down to show the thoughts and decision making.
Wow, SATS are nothing like IB exams. Apparently cheating on those can block you from ever completing year 12.
Ending: I remember this part from the original (though I think it was earlier on?), and I think you've built it up better in this version. Rebecca's position in the scene is a little less well described though - arm around her could mean anything, but at the same time Rebecca's changed a little, so her situation in the scene could have changed as well. Dan's approach was built up very nicely, relying on both previous content and the writing of this chapter to pull it off.
Sorry for the late review, and congrats on winning the WCC this month.
| The Littlest Mouse chapter 4 . 1/29/2014
As I read this I can't help but look for deeper meaning. I know it's in there somewhere but I can't find it. That's not on account on your writing, that's on the account of my stupidity. I like the simile's and metaphors you use. I like the line about insults being served like cafeteria food. This really fits. Especially since no one really likes cafeteria food. Nasty words being served nasty food. I like that. I quite like that a lot. I really like how you describe the teacher's room. I don't know why, but I do. Maybe it's because it reminds me of my favorite knows? This is really good and you have far more potential than I as a writer. I can only dream of writing like this.
| carlalegre chapter 4 . 1/26/2014
Yours is one of my favourite stories on this site.
I love the way you develop your characters. I've watched all of your characters grow in some way from the very first chapter and it's very intriguing to see how they act and react.
Your writing in this chapter was magnificent. I didn't notice any errors, so, yay!
You have talent when it comes to switching perspectives and writing in different voices. When I'm reading Waters' POV, I can distinguish him apart from the other characters, and the same goes for Rebecca's POV.
I liked the scene with Rebecca and Tom. In her bedroom. The one that line that really caught my attention was, "…but his sweat from where they touched seeped into the skin above her heart and it burned like poison." You managed to convey so much emotion with your choice of words in this line. I felt the disdain and resentment, the disgust even, that Rebecca must have felt.
Telling you this is a good chapter would be an understatement. Thanks so much for writing this great piece. I'll definitely be reading more.
| Epic Myth chapter 15 . 1/26/2014
Epic Myth here and I owe you a review from the January Writing contest. This will probably be my last review for a while, if you haven't noticed, I've taken somewhat of break.
I originally read this chapter two weeks ago, but the suddenness of its ending is still fresh on my mind. So starting with that, how it ended with Rebecca slipped into Dan's person and kissing him on the spot was unforeseeable. In fact, I think no one would have suspected it even if they were looking forward to it happening. Perhaps I am a little naive since I don't normally read student x teacher romance stories, but hell, I've really grown used to the pacing... so this plot changer is a big and magnificent leap, I applaud you on taking that risk.
Dialogue, as usually, I find the communication from character to character very natural and smartly written. It also suggests a lot of what the character is or what they do from a day to day basis, like Pete for example when he started with "Alive." Alive in person, probably dead to the world.
One of the reasons why you're a favorite of mine is because of how you write. The paragraphs rarely get longer than 2-3 lines and yet so much is conveyed within that. And if they ever get longer, it's for descriptive purposes that have a magical effect. Although sometimes you lose me, most of the time you got me hooked... like this scene for example :: [She bumped his lips clumsily, bumping noses as well. ... ... The cold freshness of her youth was a punch to the gut.]
It just goes to show I am reaching a point of where I am unsatisfied with my work. That and I need to read more, not because I am discouraged, but there are times I wish I can ba-zing a statement and I am grasping thin air. Perhaps it's a lot of editing. If so, you edit very well too. But I digress, the prose is sharp and witty is the point I am making. I admire it.
Last but not least, the characters, well, in this chapter that is. Because of the plot-twisting, gut wrenching move Rebecca has committed, this shines a new light on our heroes. Mr. Phelan is still dastardly without even being present. Dan makes me feel like he's way over his head and is in a sucky position and Rebecca is not a flower or a powerful boulder. It's a chaotic whirl of emotions splattered on the wall, unreadable until reflected in hindsight. Or in other words, I can't predict them. Rebecca kissed Dan. Dan, what would he do, sit idly by, stay late with eyes on Detention. Get themselves in trouble... figure out how to overcome all this.
You make your characters unpredictable in their sad circumstances, almost like pedestrians in the way of an incoming collision. But the accident is slow and dreadful to bystanders (the readers) watching it.
I feel these characters.
And that's the end of my review. If I come by again and resume IR, I'll probably just stick to a few peeps on my list. You being one of them.
As Dr. King Shultz would say, "Auf wiedersehen!"
| alltheeagles chapter 23 . 1/26/2014
This was the most confusing chapter for me so far. Is she actually in a counselor’s office, or is she imagining it while cutting her hair in the bathroom? I think the latter, after two readings, but maybe that should be obvious from the start. I enjoyed the second part more, with Dan observing the family and their interaction in the car. The former was a particularly nice touch pointing to the kind of happiness that an age-mismatched couple might have, and the latter was the kind of romantic feel-good passage that I like to indulge in.
You said that this is the second to last chapter, which made me expect a chapter 24. What happened? Anyway if this is the last chapter, it’s ok as last chapters go. There’s a positive note, a nod to a possible bright future, a cuddly last sentence. I can’t think of how else you’d end the story anyway.
My last editing suggestion: who swore in her smile? Do you mean, WORE?
| echogirlcapri chapter 8 . 1/25/2014
Hi. This is my make-up review. I don't know if you ignored my PM or don't want to talk to me anymore or what, but I really really am sorry. I love LE&D and I hope you are not angry enough to block me :(
This was another great chapter. I like how she thinks McDonalds is like a safe haven :D Aww, poor Revecca. She seems so lost and alone!
I like how you kept with Becca's POV this time, but I am curious about Dan. Where did he go? What's he doing? If I were him I'd be calling the police! Or maybe he's beating up Phelan ... Hmm, that'd be an interesting development.
Also when Alex reminds her that she's been out for a week, was very real. I can totally see how worn out Becca is that she doesn't even realize she's been "sick." Nice twist with the email, too! If i read my brothers email he'd be sooo bad at me ;)
Again, great chapter. It's late and I should be asleep, but I had to try another way to say I was sorry. I really am, OK? Please at least let me know when you think I deserve forgiveness *insert hopeful smile thru tears of guilt*
-LE&D's all-time fan, Capri
| echogirlcapri chapter 7 . 1/24/2014
Yeah, I was a little confused on POV switching. Especially how Dan was Dan one minute and Mr Waters the next. That really threw me (btw, I've just noticed that we both have characters named Dan as they couldn't be more different xD)
Just one quick concern: this is rated T, so they are not going to have sex, right? I think that might be pushing the rating, and it definitely pushes my own limits. I'm OK with mentioning/talking about sex, but I don't think it should go into much more detail than this or you can get reported. I think.
Ah, the typical Shakespearean rescue! Dan is such a hero to poor Rebecca ... I'm starting to see him as the superstar and Phelan as the villain, and I love them both for their characteristics! You write excellent charterers, by the way. And everyone copies off Shakespeare, so I kinda saw this one coming ;)
All in all, very good advancement of the plot! This story is really amazing!