Yeah, I was a little confused on POV switching. Especially how Dan was Dan one minute and Mr Waters the next. That really threw me (btw, I've just noticed that we both have characters named Dan as they couldn't be more different xD)

Just one quick concern: this is rated T, so they are not going to have sex, right? I think that might be pushing the rating, and it definitely pushes my own limits. I'm OK with mentioning/talking about sex, but I don't think it should go into much more detail than this or you can get reported. I think.

Ah, the typical Shakespearean rescue! Dan is such a hero to poor Rebecca ... I'm starting to see him as the superstar and Phelan as the villain, and I love them both for their characteristics! You write excellent charterers, by the way. And everyone copies off Shakespeare, so I kinda saw this one coming ;)

All in all, very good advancement of the plot! This story is really amazing!

-Capri

Random thought before I actually begin this review: but where does Rebecca live? I feel this was probably mentioned in earlier chapters but due to the time it’s taken for me to get to this point, I’ve forgotten. I know she’s an hour from Massachusetts (so somewhere in the Northeast, probably Connecticut or that area). I’m just really curious now.

That said…

Plot: The fall-out of recent events was not what I expected. Then again I’m slightly melodramatic, so I enjoyed the way things were handled. It fit the general tone of this story and also it was muted that it felt realistic. In a perfect world, Rebecca would be able to seek therapy and she would find a way to confront her issues and get better (in a way that people stereotypically think is better). But it isn’t a perfect world and so Rebecca has to deal with her issues in her own way. I don’t know what the future is for Rebecca and Dan and all the characters. I doubt they’ll return to their former innocence or happiness, but they are making do and finding a way to cope. And I find there’s something poignant (I feel like I’m using that word a lot today) about the fall-out you’ve described.

Characters:
Oh Rebecca. Maybe it’s because she’s around my age. Or maybe it’s because I see a little bit of myself in her. Or maybe it’s because I get too attached to fictional characters. Either way, I always feel a bit of pain when I think about what she’s been through and how much she’s changed. The first section was slightly difficult to read, just because how much I empathized with her and found her thoughts rather discouraging (so difficult to read in a good way if that exists). She’s not going to have an easy recovery. Is it realistic considering what has happened? Yes. Is it painful for this sympathizing reader? Very much so. Her development has been great though (speaking as a writer). It’s been steady and progressive and it’s reflected well how occurrences in her life have affected her.

I could never get Dan as easily as I understood Rebecca. This chapter clarified much of that. Reading the section he narrated, I realized how he depended on Rebecca as much as she depended on him. Of course, the reasons were different. Dan is dealing with disappointment over his last love and he kind of grapples onto Rebecca as a way to forget that love and to possibly dream of the life he wanted—one where he was a husband and father. The juxtaposition of the family with the old father and much younger mother demonstrates that. And the closing demonstrates that (which I’ll get to later). And in a way, Dan is as broken as Rebecca is… just in a different way.

As for Tom, I guess he’ll never change… I kind of expected it but still.

Writing: I’m just going to type down some of my favorite phrases in this chapter…
[“Becca, right?”
It wasn’t right, but she watched her reflection bob in the mirror. In English readings, being renamed meant being reborn.] Once again, I like how Rebecca’s schoolings crop up in the narration. It’s fitting and the idea she’s expounded here is interesting.

[The cold of the blades seeped into her skin and sent stabbing jolts up her thighs.] Beautiful use of imagery.

[She could hurl the mirror but then she’d have to pick up the shards.] There’s just so much truth in this sentence (relatable truth at that). I get the feeling Rebecca has, the desire to get angry and do something (like hurl the mirror) but realization it’s no use and would only make a bigger mess.

That paragraph about outsiders/insiders and the selectively permeable membrane. It’s a bit long for me to type but it was beautifully written.

[He thought, whoever said silence was golden was a sheltered extrovert.] Truth.

And now answering your questions:
, I understood what was happening in the first scene. As I’ve discussed when talking about Rebecca as a character, her non-kosher perspective serves to further her characterization… in that, her non-kosher perspective seems to solidify how cynical (not sure if that’s the right descriptor) she has become. She’s lost hope in people, save for Dan. She’s pretty much stuck in a situation where she can’t talk without facing terrible consequences. And so her non-kosher perspective has this biting quality to it, this bitter tone. In a way, her perspective is humorous (so that I’m thinking “Ha” amusedly as I read), but it’s also humorous in that way that’s really painful (so that as I’m thinking “Ha” an imaginary dagger is kind of running through my heart).

lines that really stuck out to me I outlined under the writing section. That said, I also really enjoyed the second to last paragraph (that starts with “Always was subject to change”) and also that last line in the chapter. The only line that slightly bothered me in this entire chapter was “Her guidance counselor would be the type to keep a hand mirror just so”; mostly the “just so” slightly felt jarring, though I understood what you included it.

questions at all (except maybe that random thought up above). No confusion either.

a few chapters earlier I felt more positive about Dan’s and Rebecca’s relationship, I felt a bit more uncertain in this chapter. I feel like they will continue to rely on each other but things feel A LOT more tentative and fragile. I don’t know why I feel so. The conversations they have are definitely a bit more delicate. But I guess it’s also because I get a larger impression that they are holding onto each other to not drown into the sea of their troubles. It feels that way from the way Rebecca closes her section and how Dan closes his section (and so this is where I get to the closing). Dan’s words and desire for a family (akin to the one at the bus station) reflect how he does have these desires, desires that might not be what Rebecca wants. It’s a similar case with Rebecca. So the chapter leaves me feeling that these two are holding onto each other, dreaming that the other will provide something they need while also trying to maintain realistic. I’m not saying this is bad. A relationship does depend on people relying on each other but things have taken a heavier weight and so I feel slightly apprehensive.

That said, great chapter! I enjoyed reading it and I’m curious to see how you’ll end this story. I feel there is so much to be answered, so I’m excited to read the last chapter. :)

Plot: In a way, this chapter went as I expected the scene should go. In a way, it didn’t. I expected Phelan to be a threat to Rebecca’s life in some way and for Dan to stop him. I didn’t expect things to happen in that exact way, however. The twist with the unloaded gun and the appearance of the scissors was shocking. And then of course, the fact Phelan was able to escape… It does display Phelan’s power and the protagonists’ fallacies, so I’m not too shocked (but still slightly irked). The conversation in the second section did surprise me A LOT. I didn’t think Rebecca would reveal all of that, nor did I think Dan would suggest she go to therapy. It makes sense but we all know the consequences if all of the cat was out of the bag so I never considered it. Overall, I feel like I was thrown a curveball… in a good way, of course. It shows how this plot always pushed the boundaries of expectations, how it was unique and different than anything you usually read. So that’s awesome. :D

Characters:
I enjoy how these characters are all very human. Dan’s reaction when Rebecca states she lied about birth control reflects this. Sometimes, while Dan is being all supportive to Rebecca, I kind of put him on a higher pedestal than he belongs. He’s so accepting that to be frank, I was a bit shocked (more than I should be) by his slight reaction (of his fingers twitching away from her skin). I still don’t know why it bothered me, but I think it’s mostly because I made him too perfect in my opinions that any slight (even if understandable) failing (of support towards Rebecca) bothered me. Does that make sense? Because I feel like I’m slightly rambling here and confused myself. But anyways, the point of the matter is this chapter helped me remember that Dan is human and does have shortcomings. In a way, he’s been selfish. In a way, he has helped Rebecca but also become a slight problem for her. And Dan’s decision in the end of this chapter reflects him realizing Rebecca needs more help than he can offer. It’s mature of him… which makes the fact you describe it as “the teacher, the adult in him” more fitting.

Rebecca is… Rebecca still in my eyes. It’s pretty hard to explain it but she’s still that confused teenager, that broken individual… I do think this chapter marks a major development for her, however. When she admits all her mistakes (her lies, cheating, etc.) and realizes she gets away with it all, there’s something profound to it. In the beginning of this chapter, she’s trying to deny Phelan’s allegations that she is as terrible as her mother. Throughout the later half of the story, there are moments when she feels guilt about her selfishness. But she’s never really outright admitted her imperfections like this. It’s sad to see her so broken and pessimistic. Part of me hopes this will uplift her and get her to change, but another part fears it’s a sign she’s been broken even further.

Phelan now confuses me. Or rather, I just don’t get why the gun wasn’t loaded (though it definitely was a nice twist to the scene and showed how Rebecca tried to kill but got away with it by chance… like everything else in her life as she alluded to later). Was he just trying to scare her? And if he wanted to scare her, why did he then attack her with scissors? Or does this just show his declining mental state due to vengeance, since he became more murderous as the scene stretched on? Either way, he definitely acted in a very antagonistic manner in this chapter and I think he makes a great antagonist. The power he wields, his clever confidence—the characters couldn’t even defeat him and could only get away from him.

In answer to your questions:
1)There were a lot of poignant moments in this chapter, poignant in that the contrast/juxtaposition just really emphasized a point. For instance, I enjoyed the last few lines especially where: [She said, “Would you still drive me to Alaska?/He drove her home.] Or: [He said she would grow up, she heard. But his gun said he was full of lies.] Or: [She held the gun like it was loaded. He held the scissors like they were sharp.] I felt moments like those worked really well. I’m not certain what moments didn’t work (mostly because I always enjoy every chapter and have little complaints). During the struggle, there was a bit of confusion about what was happening, though you easily clarified it before the confusion could increase. For example, I was confused about what the scissors were doing and snipping but at the end of that paragraph, you revealed a portion of her hair had been cut off. I’m also trying to figure out what is the meaner of “two meaningless remarks” that Dan could have told Rebecca… This issue is probably going to constantly bother me for life.

2)I felt that all the moments were given a good amount of attention, so I don’t see anything that needs to be cut or extended.

3)Answered while talking about plot and characters.

4)Not too certain about how to write fast-paced scenes without losing tension (I’m still working on that myself). I tend to write in shorter sentences, sometimes fragments. If I’m building up to the fast-paced scene, it’ll be a bit gradual. I also do a lot of repetition (of certain ideas, certain phrases, certain descriptions). The confrontation with Phelan felt pretty fast-paced to me. I feel that as long as you don’t get bogged down by too much descriptions or punctuation (in that using commas tend to slow a narration, as you probably know) then a scene can feel fast-paced. But again, I’m working on that too, so my advice probably isn’t solid.

Other (random) comments:
[Her brain and blood stayed.] That whole first paragraph was pretty eerie (rightfully so since Rebecca’s life is getting threatened) but the very last sentence is so haunting. For some reason, it really drove in the exact danger Rebecca is in.

I enjoyed the recurring idea of p mv throughout the entire chapter. It was fresh and reflected Rebecca’s character well. She wants to enter an engineering program (at least I assume so, since she mentioned something about it in an earlier chapter if I remember correctly); she’s taking physics. She’s a smart student. It makes sense that her thoughts would gravitate towards physics to describe the situation. It was a nice detail but I really liked it.

[…I’m very curious.”
She hoped it’d kill him, but he wasn’t a cat.] Nice touch.

I’m ashamed to admit I never read To Kill a Mockingbird so its allusion in this chapter slightly confused me. I got the gist of what Rebecca was saying but now I’m starting to wish I had read it (just because then I’d understand the allusion a lot better).

But interesting chapter. I’m shocked of the way this story is moving—it manages to defy my expectations which is awesome since it keeps me on my the edge of my seat! :)

Whoa this chapter was intense… I’m a bit shocked at some of the revelations and what Phelan is doing. The man is slightly insane.

Anyways, still keeping the rigidity of reviewing:

Plot: Great backstory. I never imagined you’d spring something like this on us, but Phelan’s history doesn’t feel overblown and is pretty realistic—I can actually see this happening to somebody. The backstory has given more depth to Phelan, and it’s made things evident that there is more to this world (i.e. the world containing these characters) than meets the eye. Since that reveal with Hannah, the story has become more expansive than just Rebecca and Dan. These brief mentions reveal (at least to me) just how the recent events have consumed Rebecca’s and Dan’s life, to the point that those are the only events we know about (through their narration). Not that much has happened in the present, except Phelan being kind of creepy, but I feel that is okay to focus more on the past before we move forward (in the next chapter) into the present.

Characters: The spotlight of this chapter is on Phelan and (as I’ll deliberate when I answer your questions), I really like the depth you’ve given him. There’s something raw and real to everything that has happened to him, painfully so. Does that excuse his actions? Not at all. But now I understand him better. I also find your narrative voice for him to be nicely distinct. There’s something less put together about it, something less calm. It might be because there were not too many commas or because the writing had longer sentences that just flowed into one another; either way, I read through his narration a lot quicker and felt as if things were paced more rapidly, more discordantly. The narrative itself gives a look into Phelan’s mind and character, and I liked that.

Writing: On point as always. It’s always interesting when you switch point of views, especially when the new point of view is someone who detests the protagonists. Phelan’s description of Dan and Rebecca are so different than how I imagine the two from their narrative perspective, so it kind of makes a reader think. Of course, I feel Phelan is a tad less reliable than Dan and Rebecca (due to his vehemence), but regardless, your writing demonstrated Phelan’s point of view well. There were also some nicely woven sentences and interjections (I enjoyed moments like the one where Phelan commented on Elise not relying on prettiness).

And to answer your questions:

1.I didn’t think anything about the chapter implying negative things about the queer community. I can see your concerns, but the juxtaposition feels like a narrative technique than anything else to me. To me, it mostly explains Phelan’s obsession with Rebecca and paints him as a vindictive individual, too caught up in the past. This could happen to anybody, so I don’t see it as signaling out the queer community. Furthermore, the events in his past (from how he got beat up to how Brett’s parents wanted to “correct” him) only strike a chord of sympathy for me; it’s pretty horrible that all of this happened to him and Brett because they were queer and people didn’t accept them. Of course, that doesn’t excuse his actions. But I felt the technique was more to be morally ambiguous than anything else.
2.I liked the introduction of Phelan’s point of view. His actions have been pretty confusing, and though I felt there was more to it than just him being perverted, I could never exactly get why he disliked Rebecca so. But this chapter clarified all of that, and it was refreshing seeing a third point of view (not that I don’t love Dan’s and Rebecca’s narration).
perception of Phelan hasn’t changed too much. I feel more sympathetic for him and he has become a lot rounder than just that flat (perverted/creepy) antagonist that he was before. However, I still think his actions are completely wrong and that his vengeance has gone too far. He shouldn’t project his hatred onto a woman’s daughter, no matter what that woman inadvertently caused. Elise has always remained a mystery to me, so I never really had thoughts about her. I got she was Rebecca’s mother, though I did get the impression she wasn’t a perfect mother (just a weird feeling, I guess). After this chapter, I still don’t really have an opinion on her. How she acted towards Brett was wrong, but then again, she probably was jealous and probably grew up in a society that saw being queer as a disease. So she was acting in line with the situation as she was raised. And also, we know Phelan isn’t exactly reliable as a narrator (in that, his prejudices toward Elise would make him paint her more horrible than she is), so I can’t form a single opinion. She’s just a complicated human being, I guess, but I did like how you managed to give her more life than just “Rebecca’s dead mother.” As for Brett, I just feel bad for the poor kid. He couldn’t help who he loved, and he couldn’t decide what to do. So he died and that is pitiful indeed.
4.I didn’t feel too confused as I read this chapter. That said, I do remember skimming this chapter when it was updated (because that’s what I usually do) and feeling confused at that time. I also remember skimming through a clarification of what happened here (in a later chapter), so that might have contributed to making things less confusing. It could also be because actually reading the chapter is a lot better than skimming. Regardless, I got the general gist of that was happening. There were one or two sentences that I had to re-read a few times before everything snapped into place (like where Phelan narrates “Limping from the R train terminal to the tattoo parlor was hardcore after Brett kissed it and him”—took me a few moments to understand what he was saying). And I’m not entirely certain why Roger got beaten up in the subway station. Because he was wearing blue mascara and obviously gay? But I guess the exact reason why is irrelevant and what matters is Phelan’s life wasn’t all sunshine and happiness. I was also curious about Elise saying “macro was one of those classes she didn’t take with girls,” but then, you mentioned she went to Barnard. In general, I had no specific complaints and I thought the writing well-done. I enjoyed the parallels and the juxtaposition between the past and the present. One of my favorite moments was the talk about talc, diamond, and Greek marble.

Interesting chapter. I’m curious to see what happens next and what Phelan will tell Rebecca!

Back to reviewing this! (I'm kind of lazy so I decided not to log in. Sorry for that inconvenience.)

Beautiful first sentence/paragraph. Reading the first section, I’m struck at how original everything in this story is. By that, I mean how nothing feels repetitive. Every sentence feels like it was strung together with a lot of thought and care. Everything is unique to your voice and your descriptions. I know as much as anybody (because I am guilty of it) how easy it is to re-use words or descriptors or certain phrases as you’re writing a story, but that never feels like a problem with this story. You manage to think outside the box with simple scenes. Like in the first section, your description of Rebecca and Dan holding onto each other, of them looking at the scenic view is very different than most descriptions I’ve read of similar scenes.

I can relate with Rebecca so much during the SAT section. As a fresh out of high school student, all of her hopes about Williams and her thoughts about going to the state school strike a chord with me, only because I was kind of like her during that time. It’s interesting how despite everything Rebecca went through (losing her parents, getting kidnapped by a man, entering a relationship with her teacher), there are still some very high school concerns she has. And by interesting, I mean it makes her more real and brings into attention that she really is just a seventeen year old girl. She still has those adolescent wishes. She is still plagued by adolescent troubles. She’s been forced to grow a lot more, but at the core, there’s still something seventeen about her. And I like that. I like that she isn’t this super mature individual, just because she’s been through terrible things. I like that she’s still maintaining some adolescence within her, just because it’s to be expected at the age of seventeen. It’s real.

Also, a quick sentence about that dinosaur metaphor. I like the dinosaur metaphor.

I do agree that the last section felt a bit too little compared to earlier sections (and I’m sorry about the writing burn out—I feel ya [I am also sorry for that poor lapse in grammar]). The section with Rebecca and the SAT had a beautiful metaphor with dinosaurs getting killed by meteors, the section before that just had beautiful imagery and writing, so the last section felt understated. But in a way, I don’t think that’s too much of a bad thing, especially near the end when Dan is freaking out about Rebecca’s disappearance. When you’re anxious about a situation, it’s kind of difficult to think about things all pretty, and I felt there was a sense of urgency to the writing through that.

The way you ended this chapter was definitely intense… so intense that I actually read on to the next chapter before I started writing this review. It’s a great close to the chapter. First the simile of how Phelan dangled the gun like a teacup was fabulous (just because the image is so stark and shocking). Second, it leaves the readers curious to know what happens next. And third, it was just shocking. I did NOT imagine Phelan taking this step, and I’m mentally hitting myself for forgetting about Phelan as a threat in predicting what could happen next (my absence from reading this story has made me slip). This was a shocker closing, but I think it’s a good way to get this story to its climax!

So great chapter!

Salutations I am returning a review.
answer your questions I can see why Dan is attracted to her. She is the damaged damsel and for a guy like Dan he wants to protect her, fix her (maybe). That is what I get from chapters so far that I have read. Unfortunately as a man the damaged girl triggers the knight in shining armor syndrome. Then just might be my take on things as foolish man.
I didn't remember Jen from chapter 2.
this is something a long time in the waiting and it is nice that he bared a piece of his soul things to her.

Wow, that was intense. Phelan's such a bully!

I kept waiting for Dan to do something to save Rebecca, but then I realized the chap was almost over xP I can't believe what phelan's doing to her, this is such an injustice!

You've got just the right amount of description in here to balance the action. When charecters talk, they sound so real. And I must say, I love the plot.

Every sentence leaves me tense for more and I can't seem I stop reading. You should know that LE&D is very addictive! The pace moves so perfectly and I never get bored. This chapter was so good! I am loving Dan.

I'm afraid for Becca. Phelan's arguments were so swift and well- executed that he was making me mad! I kept wanting Rebecca to find a way to fight back but she couldn't! Ach ... I need my computer back up so I can read more.

You said you gave reviews like you received them ... Well, what I need is concrit and since there aren't many problems with your story, I don't know how well that's going to work out! I am trying my best to give good reviews - not just to get reviews in return but to encourage you b/c, yo know, you are and extremely talented writer.

Loved the tension in this chap! LE&D is thrilling me!

Love, Cap

Hi! Glad to be back :) this was another great chapter - how do you do it?

I'm on my phone cuz my computers acting up again (hate that don't you?) so I think I'll just be reading this chap for now and will get back to LE&D soon. It's just hard squinting at your cell phone screen, even when you really wanna knocwhst happens next!

I like your description of 'a typical teenage girl's room.' Ths sounds exactly like my own room! And it was quite funny to read, since I've never really though about it before. Girls rooms can be pretty ridiculous, can't they?

It's always awkward when you don't know what to call someone. I have that problem with my great-uncle miles. My siblings and I just call him miles to ourselves, but when hes around we don't really know what to say. So we just say 'sir' very respectfully - or try to anyway. I think Rebecca's hesitation is very well portrayed, without you sounding uncertain yourself.

The Spanish is very good. Haha, I'm a Spanish student myself and so felt Becca's pain she forgets words :)

Missing a period after [she was bleeding]

Wow! Why would anyone stop reading here? This story just got real! I'm loving it! Especially Phelan's disturbing character - I always love the bad guys best. And he is so very bad!

I truly do love this story. Can't wait to read more!

Love, Capri

Hey, and congratz on your WCC win! :D

[Character]
While it was interesting to see a gamer introduced, I thought Pete's whole forgetting Rebecca's name didn't really add up. I would have expected it from someone who was completely addicted to video games, but between the job and how he handles Hannah's call about the SUV, he has enough sense of responsibility to make it difficult to believe he wouldn't remember Rebecca's name. Beyond that, I'm glad you didn't automatically take the extreme stereotype route with him. The saxophone note was a very lovely detail to add to build him up. :)

[Plot]
Outside of relationship development, it didn't feel like a lot was accomplished in terms of plot progression. I'm wondering when the background with Rebecca's mother is going to start playing more of a role than just "These guys have history." I'm still unclear as to why Dan isn't pursuing this more actively. At the very least, this is more than enough evidence to call Phelan's actions toward Rebecca, Tom and Dan into question, particularly if the kids don't even know about the case. Being such a big plot piece (both from reader's and Dan's perspectives), it feels a bit off that it isn't being addressed more actively.

[Relationship]
Phelan's seeds of doubt seems to be backfiring in both negative and positive ways. On the one hand, it's obviously going to create friction between Rebecca and Dan, and she chose a pretty dangerous way to spite Phelan. At the same time, though, Phelan has made her aware that she has some sort of control. It introduces an interesting dynamic to their relationship. I actually thought this was a pretty good way to go about their first kiss, as I couldn't see them having a 'normal' first kiss with everything that's going on.

[Ending]
While the opening was weaker, the chapter ended on a strong note. The kiss just happens, there's a moment, and then Rebecca retreats without any lingering on thought or feeling. This really helped drive home a sense of shock that I don't think could have been accomplished nearly as well if the kiss occurred mid-chapter, and creates a good cliffhanger moment.

Awww, that was pretty sad! I felt like crying when I read the line "she wished he were dead."

I liked the rain. I don't know why. I just like scenes where there is rain. I am enjoying Rebecaa and Dan and how they seem to get along so well. I am really wonedering just how old Dan is? Doesn't Rebecca say in the first chap that he's like old, b/c he has gray hair? (My dad had gray hair at 20, so I can't talk, I guess)

I like your dialogue, since it seems so real. I can always imagine myself in the room or wherever wit hRebecca or Dan, since you describe their surroundings so well. You also do it effortlessly, so I never notice I'm reading description, but my brain is busy painting a picturew inside my head. WOW - so amazing! It's almost liek watching a movie.

Ach - Mr. Phelan. He irks me.

Your charecters, for the most part, are well done. Their personalities never run together and I can embrace each of them for who they are. Rebecca reminds me a little of myself, especially how she is reluctant to go to the dance (I know that was last chap). I don't really realte to my techers, though - i wish I had ones like Mr. Waters! :3

This is a really good story. I am close to enfing my side of the deal, so let me just say how much I really really loved it. I can't promise you I will read the rest since I'm so busy, but I can try! Especially if you leave me nice reivews (my story's not nearly as good as oyurs). Thanks so much!

Love this story!

-Cap

Wow! I loved the dance scene! It was so perfectly descriptive, and it reminded me of my Homecoming experience. I really like the part when sRebecca just lets go and dances. Very teen.

I'm impressed every chapter by your amazing writing style. You are already an inspiration to me. I am loving how well your story is progressing, never seeimg awkward or stiff as other stories do. Your word choice is also impressive - it never seems like you are searching for a way to express a scene/action/emotion.

This is a personal suggestion, but I've found that it really helps when you name your chapters. I mean, the story is named "Book" so why are all the chapters "Chapter 1," "Chapter 2" and so forth? Having chapter titles (even if they're as lame as "The Apple") draw the reader in and tey're a lot more fun to read.

Specific things for you to work on? Hmm, can't say I saw many problems. This chapter was really perfect in every way.

I can say that I don't see a clear outline of plot coming here. It seems almost as though each chapter is some new day,and they're all a bit slice-of-lifeish. I don't know if that is what you were going for originally or if you bring the plot together later on, but as of right now it seems like it could use a little unity. Just for the sake of saying SOMETIHNG, as I can't find any real probelms with your story.

Loving it! Wow, I hope that was 150 words ...

Over and out,
-Cap

Good Chap! i love this story already :)

There are lots of good things about your story, aside from the charecters, which I love. I'm so glad you directed me to your story and I can totally see why it has so many reivews/follows/favs. Are you done with it yet? I haven't checked the last chap to see.

I like Rebecca's teen speak, especially when Tom's muttering under his breath at the beginning of the chapter. All her thoughts and such are entertaining and I love her charecter already - she's so easily relatable.

I'm noticing that you are leaving out commas when charecters are speaking. For example, "Hi Mr. Waters" should be "Hi, Mr. Waters" and "Yeah sure" should be "Yeah, sure." I think that you can at least fix some simple grammer errors, since everything else is so perfect! other than that, the dialogue is flowing well, and it fits the atmosphere. It doesn't sound forced, but neither is it "hey zup wanna come with?" Very nice.

I saw your copyright and am wondering if you are consideing publishing this? It's definitely good enough.

The pace so far is kind of slow. But I'm lookig forward to more action in further chapters. I can't wait to see where you are gonig wit hthis story! It's such a good idea and its very well-writtwn, to repeat only a few of the things I love.

Your #1 fan, Capri

Hi! I'm from 'Labyrinth.'

I'm really glad I got a chance to read your story! This first chapter is very promising. You've got a good voice, good charecters, and a great plot idea. I guess this plot has been done before, but I've never seen one start as well as yours.

First of all, I enjoyed getting both POVs, and still leaving the story in third-person. Doing this well and still keeping a consistant tone of voice is something I see writers having problems with all the time, but you have written this extremely well. I'm very impressed - Dan sounds like a teacher and Rebecca sounds like a student and yet they're both very clear to me.

I was never confused while reading your opening chapter, which happens to be unusual for me (I've got dyslexia which makes me kind of mixed up). Thus, you should take this as a very high compliment.

Haha, I was a little freaked out there when he wrote 'your body' and then when he's like 'paragraphs' I went 'phew!' Good one! What an eye-opener.

Hmm, can't see many typos - only, when Dan is talking to Rebecca he says "Sure take a seat," which, if I'm not mistaken, should be "Sure, take a seat." Need a comma there, I think.

Great story opening!

- Capri

I suspect some of the confusion you mentioned may be due to people reading a chapter here and there and not in chronological order. It wasn’t a problem for me.

The action/suspense scene was really well done, in spite of all the dialogue (voiced and internal) interspersed with the actual action. I particularly liked the line “She held the gun like it was loaded. He held the scissors like they were sharp.” I’m glad anyway that you didn’t have her kill Phelan. That would have been kind of a cliched ending. Leaving Phelan alive means leaving room for a sequel too, I suppose, if you ever feel like writing one.

Somehow, I get the feeling that Phelan was more of a protagonist than Dan, in spite of what you said in your summary. Dan is a really nice guy the way you’ve portrayed him, but I feel that he’s contributed much less to this story than Phelan. I mean, he could have nursed his hatred for Elise and tried to destroy her children perfectly fine even if Dan wasn’t in the picture (he’d probably succeed way better too), whereas if you turn it around, Dan would probably not have actually ended up with Rebecca (his vague attraction to her would still be daydreams) if she hadn’t had the extra pressure from Phelan. I’ve mentioned this somewhat before, but it becomes all the more pronounced in this chapter.

Salutations returning a review and thankful for the insight.
I really like this chapter with the internal battle "Dan's" going through at the beginning. It felt like you were showcasing that he's only human even if he's a character I like that he feels real. I even like that "Rebecca" was still in flight or fight response even after he tries to reassure her that he would not touch her. The flow and everything work really well, but I do have a question.
when you wrote "His kept his touch gentle" did you mean "He kept his touch gentle"?
That was all now back to reading this great story, ciao.