Hi there - slooowly catching up!

I don't mind the kiss at all. We are more than halfway into the story and, while I don't think I would have minded a slower pace, the kiss is more than welcome at this point :). I like how you described it too - very gently, very realistically without losing the romantic undertones?

I am trying to think of a critical thing to say in regards to your prose, but I am tired and most of it would be nitpicking. Your metaphors are pretty and I think the power of this story lies in its intelligence (all the references included). I think you have a tendency, maybe, to overdo it with metaphors and the romanticism BUT I don't mind it. There are things that tear me out of a story and there are things that don't. You are doing quite well.

I like the gentle tone of the story. I love Dan. I have warmed up to Rebecca considerably and I am enjoying this romance :).

I see you have a lot of new reviews this week. As always your prose is wonderful. It's very easy and effortless to read.

There is something about Rebecca which is not sitting right with me. She seemed to have left her brother at the drop of a hat to move in with Phelan, yet, now she is too loyal to her brother to leave. It is natural for her to feel out of sorts with the loss of her home.

The flashbacks feel a little odd to me. It could be that there were three of them which made it feel forced. The other part of it is that felt like half talking and half remembering. For instance, Rebecca is remembering specific conversations that her parents had, but relaying the story to Dan (in words that her parents said, but she would never have said to him.)

Flashbacks of emotional moments are extremely tough, and I'm not sure that I am the best reference. The limited formatting of Fiction Press makes it tough (especially when you went all Cormac McCarthy without any quotation marks.) But they start out disjointed and making very little sense - hopefully by the end of the flashback it makes some sense to the reader, but that's not the way people tell it. I would suggest some quotes that the person would say. (ex. "Tom's nothing unusual. Violence was always a way to make yourself heard in my family. You learn to live with it or go insane." Then Rebecca might remember the specific moments. "Maybe, I am insane.")

The Sophie flashback is a little odd. It's a tough sell in any romance to imply that one of the protagonists has already had that one great love, then lost it. That diminishes any growing feelings he has with Rebecca as secondary.

I did not remember Jen - as a character she did not make much of an impression on me in Chapter 2. As soon as I looked, I remembered the interaction.

hullo there! ive been reading this since i got up this morning and a flu is preventing me from finishing it right this second! i will be finishing reading i promise but i just wanted to leave a note here to tell you ive been reading and this is lovely

cs

((I realise that I forgot to delete two passage in my previous review. I'm sorry for that D: I think I was so eager to send you off the review that I didn't check my document before copy/pasting.)

Hmm, I'll admit that there was less plotty stuff going on, and it's harder to come up with a longer, more involved review because it's mostly dialogue-driven (I like to focus on imagery or FEELS) BUT I don't see that as a bad thing necessarily. I think there's always too much of anything, but I personally believe that the interactions in this chapter were plot-relevant. Also, without scenes like that, your story might get too rushed, so I think it's better you focus on those build-up scenes than just focusing on ACTION. But each to their own: I have no problems with a slow-build story, if I feel it's going somewhere.

Let me start with the Rebecca-Phelan interaction. I liked seeing Rebecca trying to play his game, but failing miserably. Phelan is just such a creepy bastard, but he's a charming snake too. It's just I like how he manages to say things like 'my dear', and sound so concerned while actually dashing/destroying all of Rebecca's hopes at winning. He's so good at hitting her weak spots (her concern for her friends ... D:). I think he ended the dialogue like a boss by saying that he had a meeting next XD. Also the way he tried to make her insecure re: Dan's feelings for her was brilliant; I think he'd pull out every single card he has if he thinks it would help him win.

Writing-wise, you did a wonderful job with writing out the tension Rebecca was feeling (I like the image of her body kind of rising and falling with the tension - very clever, and very unusual).

Hmm, I admit to not remembering what Jen's relation to Dan is exactly ...(that's not your fault; I just need to juggle my memory XD. I recall that she was one of his closest friends?) ? I think I need to check it out again, but it's not a big issue. I like how she's pointing out the obvious, you know? That Dan doesn't have a chance of winning if he doesn't play according to Phelan's rules. But Dan, as you wrote, is just such a homely, normal man that it wouldn't even enter his mind (and that's ...sad. I just hope he won't get destroyed).

I really liked how you illustrated his character with those short passages of his hobbies and place of upbringing.

So yes, I liked this chapter _

Hello! :D

I actually had to track down my reviews to remember where I'd last stopped - fail, but I've been too sick to be as regular a reviewer as I would like. Also, I'm officially taking a break from the RG today, just so I don't have to be pressured to deliver reviews quickly, or pay too much attention to what I should say. Also, I first read this chapter in the morning, in bed, on my phone today, so my memory might be fuzzy XD.

I liked this chapter, on the whole. It's not the plottiest or the most emotionally involved one, but I think it functions as a nice in between (and well the revelations at the end are plot-relevant). This isn't a complaint, though – I think it's very important to have the story flow like this, to have moments of peace and calm before the action kicks in.

Also, awkward Dan and Rebecca moment was cute (I just felt that neither of them quite knew what to say XD). I think I'm finally on-board to shipping them, since you've really been nothing but tasteful in developing their bond.

It's also nice to see Rebecca showing more assertiveness in this chapter. I'm curious as to how her confrontation with Phelan will further evolve. Phelan is just such a bastard, but he's interesting - I'm really curious as to what his motives are too. (I'm sorry for dropping such silly statements here, but I really am curious 3).

I recall really liking the atmosphere of this chapter. While I've been out of high school for a while, I sort of remember there being this similar 'feel'. The teacher who tried to get you into her classes, and that kid who'd always ask the tricky questions. I also like how you delved into Rebecca's love for Physics – it wasn't quite expected, but I was glad to see some Physics love 3.

I also liked that teacher conference meeting? I'm not quite sure what to think of Phelan's gift for Dan, but I'm sure it's merely a hint that things are only going to get more dramatic from now onwards. There were also some clever observations you made at the beginning of the scene, in regards to how teachers are important. It somehow made me sad that it was a more cynical statement, but – I'm not sure how it is the US – there has been a lot of disdain towards teachers in my country.

Okay, this isn't as useful a review, but I'll try to read more tonight :)

It's also nice to see Rebecca showing more assertiveness in this chapter. I'm curious as to how her confrontation with Phelan will further evolve. Phelan is just such a bastard, but he's interesting - I'm really curious as to what his motives are too. (I'm sorry for dropping such silly statements here, but I really am curious 3).

I recall really liking the atmosphere of this chapter. While I've been out of high school for a while, I sort of remember there being this similar 'feel'. The teacher who tried to get you into her classes, and that kid who'd always ask the tricky questions. I also like how you delved into Rebecca's love for Physics – it wasn't quite expected, but I was glad to see some Physics love 3.

I also liked that teacher conference meeting? I'm not quite sure what to think of Phelan's gift for Dan, but I'm sure it's merely a hint that things are only going to get more dramatic from now onwards. There were also some clever observations you made at the beginning of the scene, in regards to how teachers are important.

I miss this story. I hope you'll keep writing!

Opening - The condition of Rebecca's body was very well described and could be easily pictured. I would only say that maybe go google how much weight would be lost after eight days of no food, just to make sure it's accurate.
Character - I don't know about anyone else, but I wanted to throw a glass at Lucia, too. I mean how could she just stand by and let him starve Rebecca to death without doing ANYTHING. I understand she has children, too but surely she could have gone to the police or something! (don't mistake this comment for something that I think should be changed cuz I don't. It works the way it is.)
Ending - I like how Dan picked up the cues that Rebecca was there. The ending lead the readers right where it was supposed to; that Dan would go save Rebecca from the terrible fate that awaited her. Of course I can't be sure, but I'm reasonably certain that that is what's going to happen.
I enjoyed this chapter. It showed the struggle the Rebecca went through and added just the right amount of suspense to what's to come. But I might suggest that, in the last chapter, you expand of Rebecca's pain. Starvation is extremely painful and leaves a very, very big impression on someone. After eight days, all she would be able to think about would be pain and food, though at that point thinking of food would be starting to make her feel nauseous.

Opening - I must say the opening is forgettable. By the time I finished reading the chapter I completely forgot what happened in the beginning. So that might be something to look at, I don't know.
Scene - The scene where Phelan tells Rebecca was again a complete surprise. I like surprises as much as the next person, but two in a row? Add some more hints please!
Relationship - I do like how you've shown that Dan cares for Rebecca. Most teachers don't really care if a student is gone for a week, but he notices and he notices that it doesn't make sense with what he knows of Rebecca.
Ending - I'm intrigued to see how Rebecca get's out of this situation. Obviously she's going to, it's a romance/drama, not a prostitution. I think Dan is going to have something to do with getting her out of it. It's engaging and interesting, but I can see why other people may leave. (in my own story I have people who leave cuz I mention a rapist. Sometimes people are overly sensitive, in my opinion.)

Writing - The last sentence in the first paragraph after Rebecca get's home needs work. It says that she blames Tom's troubles on his incompetency, but then say "but on his affection for his shot glass." Maybe you meant that she doesn't blame it on his incompetency?
Scene - I thought the scene with the brother was very believeable. But I think it could have benefitted from some more buildup. Like maybe when Rebecca was running up the stairs in that first chapter you could say something like "And my ribs ached, but not from running." or you know something to indicate that things are not well. I like to be surprised when reading, but I like to guess and be proven right better (The feeling of YES, I WAS RIGHT!)
Ending - I thought the ending was very interesting and left the reader with the feeling of HAVING to keep reading to find out what happens next. I also like the discription of the room, it gave a very distinct picture and image of what Mr. Phelan thought of his office and his time spent there.
I enjoyed this chapter very much. It finally gave some answers to the questions I had been asking! I look forward to finding out what happens next.

Writing - The sentence at the end of the scene where Rebecca is coerced into going to the dance doesn't make much sense. Might want to go back and rewrite it.
Opening - The opening was okay. It gave the readers a little more insight into other background characters and some into Rebecca, but I would say that by this point we should getting more clues about what's up with Tom. With the last chapter having Mr. Phelan hinting at some issues this chapter should mention some of those issues, especially with his offer of Rebecca moving in with him. Without any clues it kind of just seems like it doesn't belong here.
Closing - Again it just seems like it doesn't belong here. Suspence is a good thing, but when character are sobbing over something you have to get the readers something as to WHY.
Other than the few things I mentioned, I am enjoying reading this story. It weaves a compelling reality and makes the reader want to keep reading.

Opening - Very confusing. This chapter could use some definite work on what Rebecca was talking about in the beginning. I got that part of it was about her parents dying and Tom. But other than something called The Market, is it a business? Or the actual market? If so which one? Stock? Real Estate? Job? I couldn't keep track what they were talking about.
Grammar - In the beginning you left off a lot of quotation marks. If what Tom was saying was in the past then it needs to be italicized. If not it needs quotation marks.
Dialogue - Very realistic in this chapter as well. I'm glad that you aren't rushing things between these two characters. That would seem fake as student/teacher relationships don't happen overnight, unless the teacher is a pediphile.
Enjoyment - I must say that I am enjoying this story. I'm not a big fan of romance stories unless there is a twist to them (i.e. murder-mystery romance, supernatural-murder-mystery romance). But your story poses an interesting battle that, while it's not something I would ever have given a change normally, I am glad that I started reading.

Lol. I love Arielle and her ability to get things done. You showed that quite well in how she was able to break her argument and not give any reason for why she won't do anything.

Your writing for Rebecca is amazing. I really do enjoy that character along with the teacher, Dan... and the entirety of the cast. Mr. Phelan, while a kind man, he kind of creeps me out, just a bit. I can see why she cringes when she's around him.

I also enjoyed the scene where the teacher was giving her a chance to live with him because he's starting to feel lonely. People like him, despite her sexuality, do tend to mess around with young girls because they're easy. I doubt he would do something like that, but there's just something untrustworthy about him.

The old man and Rebecca's friendship is very touching... and I can see how she would trust him and not many others. He seems caring, kind, and just a cool guy. I feel bad for her when his feelings for her will grow stronger.

The ending scene kept me into the story... and you didn't have the exposition problems of the last chapter, but that may be because the past wasn't explicitly part of this chapter.

Your characterization and ability to make everyone an indiviual, I applaud you on that.

Thanks for writing,
I'll read more when I get a chance,
Until Next Time,
Neio

Nitpicks:
That silence was golden wasn't Tom's deal. -You could get rid of this sentence... or reword it. Strangely written. Also, the sentences after it, says what you want anyways.

Technically (comma) the season was winter.
In her mind (comma) she saw Arielle

In the darkness (comma) she did not see

"Tea" has a lot of caffeine too... I think both would be too late to drink. haha. Not really a nitpick, but a thought that went inside my head.

Scene - I thought that the chapter was missing a scene. Like the school day? You went from Dan's point of view the night before to Rebecca's pov after school. I think that maybe this chapter could benefit from adding a paragraph or two about the school day in either Rebecca's or Dan's pov.
Opening - I thought the opening was very strong. It clearly showed the struggle that Dan, as a slightly older teacher, faces with his young student. But I would add that maybe you can expand a little on Dan's sadness over his wife no longer being around, cause at first i simply thought he just hadn't had sex in a while and that really wasn't the whole point.
Dialogue - I thought your dialogue was very realistic, which I know from reading many fp stories that many writers struggle with that. I do hope that you don't end up slipping in the future. Romantic writing is where I notice most writers struggle to find the right words. As I continue to read I will continue to give up dates on this if there is an issue.
Ending - The ending was cute. But I would like to caution that if Rebecca isn't a natural clutz I wouldn't have her only screwing up around Dan, as that is unrealistic unless she has feelings for him, which none of her earlier comments lead the reader to believe. So far Dan is the one with feelings and Rebecca is the one who will develop them, at least that is the impression I got so if I'm wrong, ignore me.

Sorry it took me so long to get to chapter two., My job as a freelancer takes my time up very much. Again, you wrote a wonderful chapter. I do, however, believe that you need to work on your exposition and keeping your readers into what you're writing.

I find myself, when I write action scenes, I'm not quite into it, at first so I often wait a little while, have a friend look it over (sometimes) or come back to it then rewrite those scenes as if I were writing an one-shot. For your exposition about their past, their relationships, and how things came to be, I suggest letting it site there for a moment, come back to it, and if you don't like it... either rewrite the scene as if it were an one-shot or edit it.

When you rewrite, you're less likely to keep crappy parts because it was there... you may add in certain parts, but it is the preferred way to handle those kind of things.

Other than that, I enjoyed the two new characters introduced, the brother and the rich man. They were very nice additions to the story.

I loved your ending, it was also a strong ending, makes me want to read more. Your ability to make believable and likable characters are uncanny. Very good job.

When you were transitioning between scenes, you can work a bit on that. It could be rather distracting.

I think you did an awesome job on this chapter.. I have some nitpicks below.

See ya,
Until Next Time,
Neo

Nitpicks:
and the glass pressed back - that is not needed
(comma) and the car wheezed back into life

The beginning part about Rebecca and her brother could written a little tighter with more of a stronger tone. It feels a little rushed through.

When (the) girl lost both her mom and dad

and this much (comma) Rebecca understood

When Tom moved back (comma) he established

and himself (comma) as the diviner.

I don’t see how the part about Pete fits into the overall story at this point, so it felt rather like a filler. Was it meant to show something about Rebecca’s character? If so, I confess that I missed it.

The kiss did surprise me a little. Previously you indicated that Rebecca had been taken in by Phelan’s words, when she thought about the favouritism. It seemed to me that she didn’t want to get Dan into trouble, that she knew she was doomed and didn’t want to doom him along with her. So why kiss him and give credence to everything that Phelan said? As it is I am left slightly adrift because you did not accompany the kiss with any commentary on how either one of the kissers felt about it. We just got the description of the kiss and what they said afterwards. I suppose that will come later.

My past perfect rant for this chapter (Please ignore it, it’s my borderline OCD): he had shaved off / he had offered her orange juice / He had seen an identical expression
Other editing suggestions:
-as A train wreck
-swallowed HER / THE bitterness
-Miss Moran’s rationale – did you mean RATIONALITY? Miss Moran was not doing anything with her than required justification at that moment