Epic Myth from the Roadhouse and it just occurred to me that you make the mundane very compelling. Seriously, this chapter started off in a way that would seem rather typical. But instead, it played out in a way that's not very expectant. And then, going into the next scene with her brother, whoa! No shit, I can come from reading a story about fantasy and knights, and then come here, and find this way more interesting all because of the language used. It sort of makes me look back and wonder if I should change anything in my style or have I lately been missing the cool points.

But then again, we are writing of totally different subjects and characterizations. While my story focuses on snarky remarks, curse words, and keeping things as realistic to the urban sprawl that is New York, your story focuses on a side of a girl pinned by her failure of a brother, sketchy rich business man, and a grayish, thinner Conn Seanery. I am not wrong to think of Dan as a thinner and younger Conn Seanery.

Because, although he's not as suave, he has his own particular ways that's different to the a-typical sizzling testosterone filled macho man. I also appreciate the story's subtle nature, because when the F-bombs and other curses fly, they hold more power.

I can't find anything wrong with this chapter. I loved it.

Nox again, from the Roadhouse.

I wasn't going to hit another chapter for a bit (kinda my policy to give returners the minimum of work as to not discourage them). I thought about it a bit, and I figured that perhaps one more chapter wouldn't hurt.

This chapter is a lot more eventful that the last. There's a lot going on, and I think that's great. It does have themes that I personally blush about. Embarrassment is a big one that generally causes me to skip an entire episode of some anime, or TV show. You pull it off quite nicely. It's subdued and not blatant.

I like how you paint Mr. Waters. He's an English teacher, so I find it cool that you make him choose his words more carefully than other people.

At this point, I'm not sure if I want this to heat up or not haha.

Nox here, from the Roadhouse.

To be honest, romance is not my gig as I have the romantic depth of a cinder block. Perhaps I can learn a thing or two from reading this, maybe it'll also help me out with my girlfriend too.

To start of with my literary antics, I'd like to say that I believe your prose is quite clean and easy to read, with the student side being slightly more frantic and jumbled. To me, that gives a greater depth to the novel because it indicates the state of mind each person has. One is more organized than the other. Completely how I would envision the respective occupational minds.

As a starter chapter, you have clearly defined characters. I believe it's very strong, if pretty boring by my standards. The setting is easily envisioned and very familiar.

As far as enjoyability, I'd give this chapter a personal 6/10. The writing is superb. Characters likable. The setting familiar. I also like the idea. Student/Teacher relationships are a somewhat forbidden love that I've always had an odd obsession with. Here in Texas, college teachers are forbidden from relationships with their students (read: illegal). I've always thought it odd in that level of education.

Lucia's kind of throwing me for a loop. I completely understand where she's coming from as a mother, but she seems to be lacking a lot of empathy for Rebecca. I kind of want to know more about her (how long has she been working for Phelan? Does he have more on her than she let on? Etc.)

Although the starvation angle was a good one to go with for getting Rebecca to cave in, it seems like the physical impact (more specifically the weight loss) has been overdone. Unless she was very small to begin with and has an insane metabolism, her stomach would not be sunken in so far already. She would have to be starved for nearly three weeks before it became that apparent.

I have mixed feelings on Dan. The fact that he was able to identify a bookmark comes off creepy, which reminded me once again of why I didn't like him in the first place. At this point the only reason I'm rooting for him to find her is because he's the lesser evil. I did like getting to know some of his less charming attitudes. I had to smile a bit when he started trying to figure out how he'd ditch Bradford, and I was pleasantly surprised by his disinterest in art. It really helped build on his reluctance to come in the first place.

Despite the character gripe, I really enjoyed the pacing of this chapter. Both scenes moved smoothly, and the transition point really helped to keep either part from being too long/short, or too abrupt. Getting away from Rebecca really helped alleviate the heaviness of the recent events without blowing the tension.

In all honesty, this chapter completely derails the stated objective at the start. Rebecca already had too many cliches built into her background, and now she's being held prisoner and being coerced into what is essentially prostitution. Even if she is saved before anything can happen, what she's recently been through would cause a lot of psychological damage. This turn of events completely cuts off any hope of a realistic, objective exploration of the student/teacher relationship, so on that front it'll take a heck of a lot of work to get me to take that aspect of the story seriously.

1. The confusion is probably coming from two things:

a) Phelan goes on a ramble about teachers not being sexless beings after Rebecca states his colleagues are her teachers. After being blind-sided with the twist, it's actually pretty easy to miss when he mentions that teachers aren't his only "colleagues".

b) Are Andy and Dan not teachers? Andy at least has an idea of what's going on, and Dan will be there so... yeah.

Overall, the confusion regarding Rebecca being raped (which is exactly what it would be) by a teacher is actually pretty understandable, and honestly I don't think you'll hear the end of that particular confusion unless it's made clear before the shocker that he's still dealing with people outside of his current profession. How people got gang-rape specifically has me scratching my head, because while all signs say rape, it's never hinted that there will be more than one person involved.

2. From chapter 3 to the first part of this one, I thought you did a great job conveying the sense of debt Rebecca felt toward Phelan. She's definitely at an age where she's still going to be naive enough to believe that she owes him in some way for forgiving her brother's debt, but also old enough to know when something's going too far. I'm very glad you didn't let her continue to feel that way though when Phelan decided it was time to collect. Everybody has a line, and you drew it for Rebecca quite well. Starvation was definitely a good choice for getting her to give in.

Epic Myth from the Roadhouse here to tell you:

Why do you like stumping people with smartly used words and phrases? I look back at my story, and I am like, did I write this or did a five year old? I look back at your work and each line seems so well written, eloquent, and dare I say, beautiful. There's not much to point out since many... literally, many had gone through these first few chapters more than a hearty eater can go through his favorite home-cooked dish.

So, I'll point out some things I like. Rebecca, from what I have seen, is not your usual teenager, but she's a protagonist that's been played with before. I dare say she usually shies away from huge social functions and is always bogged down homework, using that mostly as an excuse when in all honesty, she'll jump at the first chance to get away from the household. It's conflicting views, but teenagers are conflicting people.

Now, this Mr. Phlegm guy... and I call him that because I keep thinking of Phlegm when I read his name, is not so nice as he appears. What troubles me is the fact that he's very, very hard to read. You don't make it so obvious that he might be an actual creep.

A hidden creeper who's true goal was just to trap Rebecca into a situation she couldn't refuse. How dastardly (and if I was to use that word in my story, it wouldn't fit. Damn ghetto stories.)

Anyway... like you've mentioned, or I've seen you mentioned. The story doesn't climax at the first chapter with the protagonist and the English teacher playing footsie. There's roadblocks building already and they haven't even done much but think fondly of each other and shared orange juice.

Lastly, I really like how nonchalant you started the chapter. It's smoother than butter and fits just right.

This is fun to read.

The Crucible metaphor definitely works with this story, but I found the handling of it in this chapter was a bit heavy-handed and expositional. I do worry that after the conversation with Dan, the link will just never be addressed again. Maybe if she was reading it as LE&D progresses would help with weaving the metaphor in more smoothly.

Up to this point Tom's portrayal has been more of an insensitive jerk, compounded by adolescent prejudices on Rebecca's part. Now all of a sudden he's turned into an abusive ass, immediately following the conversation with Phelan. It feels like it was added to justify the angst tropes, rather than move the plot forward.

Putting aside the feeling of forced conflict, the scene is definitely well written. The pacing and escalation flowed naturally, and you did a very good job of portraying the crossover from mild dysfunction to outright abuse. I also like the slightly manic train of thought at the end of the scene. It incorporates a good balance of anger, confusion, denial and fear.

The pacing definitely seems to be picking up now. I think you covered a good amount of plot progression this chapter. Despite being three completely different scenes, nothing feels rushed, nor does it feel laggy. I think the biggest thing that makes the use of the different scenes work is that you balanced how much content each scene covers.

I liked how you ended the chapter. Although it does sacrifice the tension of cliffhanging on her encounter with Tom, I think Phelan's scene provides a much more ominous feel, and in a pleasantly subtle way.

Probably one of the biggest things I noticed regarding the writing is in the vocabulary. Most of the chapter seems to do a good job conveying the voice of a teenager, but there are some vocab choices that feel very forced (effervesced and conspiratorially, in particular) . That's not to say that a bit of flowery language can't be applied here or there, but the timing of such words could definitely be improved.

I really liked the little details you threw in, in regards to Mr Phelan. The hair description was rather unique, and the Cheshire Cat grin really hit home the creepy factor for him. The antagonistic vibes from him are a bit forced, but I'd have to say that given how creepy Dan comes off as, it might be necessary in getting the reader to at least recognize him (Dan) as the lesser of two evils.

Rebecca's characterization is a bit back and forth this chapter. She still has a forced angst air about her, but her awkwardness with being at the dance felt genuine. I also felt you handled the exchanges between her and Phelan in a very realistic manner. I got the sense that she was feeling a bit bullied into going to see him, which works well with the warning signs that Phelan is abusing his position of authority (and later hinting at blackmail).

I'm not really sure if Jen is supposed to be a student who works with the staff, or if she's a staff member who works with students. In any case, her comment about horny teenagers grinding was very inappropriate and not something that would be handled so lewdly amongst staff without some backlash. This moment didn't feel realistic at all.

This chapter feels like a transition chapter (which is fine - you have to have them.) There is a lot to like about the Dan chapter. I particularly like Rebecca's comeback about the prosecutor in the Salem witch trials wanting to help. It's a pretty cutting remark.

The section with Tom seems out of place. As everything, it is well written, but the idea that Tom would abuse her for the first time the day after Phelan asks her that very same question, strains coincidence. It would make more sense for her to have had altercations with Tom before that point, but deny it out of a defensive instinct. Either that, or Phelan had a role in making Tom violent.

Every book I've ever read about plot generation says that coincidences happen in real life, but in stories they have to have a reason.

Hope this helps.

The highlight of the chapter was Rebecca the Suspense Queen - I'm referring to the scene where she told Dan that she's not on birth control, then the dramatic pause and then "but I'm not pregnant". I suppose if I was in Dan's shoes I would whack her on the head for such stunt. Besides, I think it was really responsible and stupid of her not to tell him to use a condom (more, she lied that she's on birth-control). Rebecca is supposedly an intelligent kid and smart people usually don't act like this. Such behavior is reserved for half-wits. Plus, it was kinda evil of her, it sounded almost as if she was maneouvering poor Dan into becoming a daddy. I swear, the guy has a tough luck with women. And he's such a nice guy...

The chapter as a whole thing was nicely written. However, I noticed that you tend to cut the action sequences as if you were afraid of them (the usual stuff like gunshots, chases, etc.). You build the tension, I get the feeling that there will be some serious action the next chapter and then the dangerous situation gets resolved far too quickly. There isn't enough drama with the gun situation. But, I liked the moment with "click, click", when it turned out that there are no more bullets. It was keeping the tension there.

Dan stays my favorite character, it doesn't even matter that he has an affair with a teenager. Somehow you made it work. When I was beginning to read the story I thought I would be disgusted by the scandalous relationship and I would view Dan as a pedophile. However, you managed to make Dan's behavior seem almost noble and the story turned out to be quite enjoyable to read. Good job and have good luck with writing the next chapters.

1. I don't think that Phelan's background story is offensive to gay people in any way. You didn't do any scaving in this chapter - I thought that it was a rather sad story of lost love and jealousy.

2. To be honest, I got a bit confused at the beginning of the chapter, because I wasn't expecting Phelan to tell the story of his life all of a sudden. But, when I got used to it, it became rather interesting. The paragraphs of Phelan's memories woven in between the action was a fine idea for a chapter's structure.

2. Phelan still feels like a villain, despite him having a sad love story. He had his problems and a major "disagreement" with Elise, but that's no excuse for doing all the evil things to an innocent teenager.
Brett feels like a weak victim of fate, a guy of weak resolve. I know it may sound cruel, but I can't find pity for him.
Elise suddenly became a true femme fatale. I like that the current vision of Elise contradicts with Rebecca's vision of walking perfection.
All in all, I couldn't relate to, pity or like any of those three characters. However, the story was interesting and I liked the explanation of Phelan's motivation.

4. I guess the story was fairly clear. The only weird spot was that for a moment I was wondering whether Brett wasn't Tom's and Rebecca's father, but then I learnt that he was just some random guy (I meant Elise's friend). Other than that everything was pretty clear to me.

Rebecca cheated... naughty. I liked the SATs part of the chapter though. It reminded me of my own exams back at school and university (I didn't cheat, I'm a good girl). Anyway, the description matched well the feelings and way of thinking of a person who is just taking an exam. In my opinion it was a very good part of text - I wouldn't complain about a single thing here.

While the first part of the chapter is neatly structured, the second one is chaotic (you noticed it on your own). The contrast between the two parts is quite big. But, I liked one thing there in particular - how nervous Dan was when he lied Rebecca is his niece. The man acts like an amateur criminal caught red-handed. If his affair with Rebecca gets revealed, I hope Rebecca will be the one who will do the talking, because Dan seems to be too honest.

The very last part (with Phelan) was a twist in a true action-movie style. It got me hooked, for it looks like there will be some serious tension in the next chapters - a beloved woman taken hostage? It's a pity Dan's no Bruce Lee.

Good you include these questions. So, here are the answeres:

1. The strongest was the middle section when Rebecca and Dan went on with bow-chika-wow-wow. The last part was fine. The first one (with mentioning mother a lot) was okay, but it should definitely stay. The weakest was the part with art class, but I see why it was necessary to put something there - it was an intermission between the Part 1 where Rebecca ponders about her future and possibly taking the relationship with Dan to a physical level and Part 4 where it actually happens.

2. The transitions were fine, although there were lot of them. This chapter looked a bit jerky, like a mosaic. If I counted it well, there were about 5 separate parts. But, the form was interesting and it wasn't confusing.

3. The pacing was alright. My only complaint would be that till the sex scene ended you didn't mention that the mysterious "he" was indeed Dan. I read this chapter after taking a break from reading your story, so I didn't remember exacly how the last chapter ended. I was unsure if Rebecca was really talking about Dan all the time and that kept me from focusing on the developments.
The plot is fine and I like how Dan is the "poor thing" here. He really didn't stand a chance, did he?
The sex description was very good - it wasn't vulgar and it was "warm". I think you did a good job here.

Hannah's speech was very bold, but it surprised me that someone would refer to such private issues in a school speech. But, I admire the girl's courage.

The subject matter made me feel a little uncomfortable to begin with, but that’s only because I think it’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed – regardless of age.

Anyway, it was beautifully written, it flowed nicely from one paragraph to the next. It didn’t seem rushed, and it developed quite organically I thought. Not much I could really pick fault with, if I’m honest.

I loved the hostage scene and the immediate fallout. I thought that was descriptive, tense, and suspenseful. Great to read. A little gut wrenching lol.

The one thing I didn’t like was the endless notes at the bottom of pretty much every chapter. You shouldn’t have to explain your characters or why you’ve done the things you’ve done. No author should have to justify what they’ve written.

Epic Myth from the Roadhouse

I am not going to waste time reviewing wholly each chapter at a time. So I am going to read up to four chapters and review each one. (Writing my reviews on Word for each chapter I read while it is fresh in my memory.)

Chapter 1: Either your story was edited so many times it came out as close to perfect as possible, or I am still green and can’t pick out one thing I don’t like about it. You’ve probably met a whole lot of these people, but I am part of the nation of writers who aren’t into romance—at first glance. Not only that, but I like my romance to come at an angle that isn’t obvious, which might kill my female readership who are into that stuff, if it isn’t for the fact that my main characters tend to be females. I find a way, somehow, someway, but still, it doesn’t mean I can’t be bewitched by a good romantic story that actually plays out with more consideration than a teenage drama queen. The two characters so far are ENRICHING! Mr. Water’s little mistake while grading the essays made me chuckle and feel a little naughty. “Which head you thinkin with Mr. Waters? Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck!”

Now, the girl, our female enchantress, Rebecca, she may not know it, but she got that older gentleman’s attention. Seeing things from her view is like doubling up on a delicious desert, the story gets better and her thoughts about how all the other girls got their undies in a bunch for Senior 8-pack and Coach Adonis was pretty funny.

Then there’s all the other little nuances that just builds the characters from the get-go… making them REALLY REALLY realistic. And I am all about realistic characters.

Chapter 2: Ffffffffuuuuuuuuu—damn. My brain busted on me. This is nowhere near your fault, but as I read this chapter, I got slowed down by a change of wording… the vocabulary grew larger and the context of each sentence grew deeper in meaning. I had to slow my roll and read some paragraphs twice, maybe three times just to understand what was going on. At first I thought Tom was a really nice guy, then I reread what was written and read further and realized no… he wasn’t a nice brother at all. As this plays out, I get a better and deeper understanding of what makes Rebecca tick. What makes her the character she is as I read it, and like many great characters, she is molded by a past of tragedy. I don’t know why that is an element which makes a powerful mix to a character’s design, but tragedy is the usual root and it hasn’t gone wrong when done right. So, where exactly did I get tripped up and tangled in your subtle, but hard-hitting web…

When you mentioned “Yuppie” … a term I never heard before and had to look up Urban Dictionary. What I found was pretty funny, and then, to my detriment, it went downhill from there.

Not for you… no, you done great. It went downhill for me. It’s cliché, but writers tend to write about what they are familiar with or what they read about in pure fiction. I am not familiar with the nuances of the Business word and finance. I don’t understand all of its terms and sadly, most of America doesn’t either. Perhaps it has something to do with my background, growing up in a low-income family in an urban environment familiar with violence and way of life unsuitable in the corporate world. I am used to late nights at McDonalds and not an evening at a French restaurant with a name I might be able to pronounce only because I am Haitian (I do not know Haitian Creole that well but it is a descendent of French.)

All and all, chapter 2 kicked my ass because I never read stuff like this. It’s on the opposite spectrum of what I am used to writing: gang-bangers, hood-rats, tricked-out Cadillac’s, versus a world of rich businessmen in Gucci, Prada-wearing women, and Audis. At the end, I looked up terms like “equity” and “return”, setting aside my pride to actually understand what you’re writing rather than move on. It hurts, and this is from writer to writer, it hurts but I can’t ignore the fact that there might be a day or a time I want to write a scene that isn’t in the “Hood”… where, for some reason, the character finds themselves in a world much alien that fiction. I would love to follow your story and hopefully learn from you even if it isn’t the most important premise of your story.

I simply like how you are writing from a world opposite of mine. We can learn a lot from each other…

Other than that, the dialogue is smooth, natural, realistic and the timing of it all… I can literally hear it as if I am there. Like I said before, you are either really good… or you edited like hell. This is some great work and don’t worry about dumbing any of these terms. I am pretty sure I am not the first or the last who had a hard time following. But that’s a reader’s fault for picking up a very, very sophisticated read and sticking to it… even if it hurts.

…

Did I say 4 chapters? I am going to stop at 2. Chapter 2 beat my ass. I am following this though and joining the masses, even though I hate being part of the masses. It can’t be helped. This is well-written stuff and it's a chance to look at a world opposite of mine.