Hi! So I haven’t actually dropped off the face of the earth – I just knew I had a holiday coming up, so waited until I could give this some proper time :D. And now, wooo holidays! Still, I know it’s been ages – I’m sorry! I was thinking of PMing but thought that might be a bit weird lol – like wahhh, I’m so slow *weeps*. But um if that helps in future, I can? I really really like this story, so I don’t want it to seem like I’ve forgotten about it or anything.

Eep, while I remember, I should favourite. Because I am bad at remembering to do that.

Gahh, the dream was so creepy. I really liked all the pretty details like the suncream rings around her ankles. As usual, your language is just really really beautiful and poetic – particularly those first two sentences. I also loved Rebecca’s helplessness, and how you chose something as big and powerful as the sea to illustrate that. Try as you like, you can’t really fight against the tide. It was a lovely contrast too with her memories of being on the beach when she was younger – the popsicles and things. Sort of innocent.

WAFFLES 333

Loved the reveals in this chapter – from the arguments of Rebecca’s parents to what actually happened to Sophie (which was freaking heartbreaking, jsyk). It was sweet and touching, and really explained a lot about both of their characters. I like too how Rebecca’s childhood wasn’t great, but it was also pretty *normal*, like the arguments her parents were having, the way that they always stopped short of getting unbearably bad… I personally can really relate to the girl, and how that background has shaped her.

‘Dan knew promises like he knew black coffee. Too often they gave him headaches and kept him awake at night’ – I loved this line, so smart and sparky :D.

Ooh questions!

I can see the Dan/Rebecca scene. I think it’s obvious at least why he would want to help her and nurture her (which I guess is a completely different thing – but still somehow related?) – she’s a smart, quiet girl who is going through a tough time, and he just seems lovely, devoted, caring. I think she also interests him – how she has all these things that she keeps hidden, but how they can somehow still read each other (sides to a different coin and all). It’s interesting because for now it doesn’t really seem like a particularly sexual attraction – more of a mental/spiritual one.

Haha, I sort of remember Jen, yup. Not many details, but I remember she was there early on, and I’m sure if we see her again, everything will slot into place pretty quick.

I didn’t find it awkward when Dan told Rebecca about Sophie. Actually, I really liked how you had a bit of Sophie-ness early on, so it didn’t come out of the blue – i.e. Rebecca seeing Sophie in those pictures (red lipstick 33) and even Dan mentioning that he had converted to Judaism for Sophie to Jen. It was sweet to see them both opening up a little, and when they hugged I was like daww BECAUSE I WANT TO HUG BOTH OF THEM, YUS.

Cute ending with Rebecca and the schoolmaster. I love your ways of showing what the characters are thinking by their actions. I hope to get as good at it as you are if I practice enough: "She beamed with the ferocity of thunderclouds..." This gets across her real feelings very well!

I'm liking Rebecca more I think, the way in which she sits in silence, taking Tom jibing at her. Sort of adorkable that she's lost for fancy SAT sounding words. I would hug her and tell her that being a straight A student is not all its cracked up to be. I was one once :(

So Mr Phelan's partner was trapped in a heterosexual relationship once, was he? I'm looking forward to seeing how he was released from that ball and chain.

I can see you are proud of this story and the first chapter is a good introduction. I just love the prose in the introduction with his metaphors about Rebecca and the memories of his happy marriage. I like the way his awkwardness is demonstrated without you resorting to telling us outright about it. That's a sign that a story is more than an amateur's work. Do you believe in the Freudian Id? A dark subconscious that made him pause after writing the word "body?"

I got to stop reading your chapters a dozen times before I comment. I feel like I’m storing these massive amount of comments which are coming across for too negative. I hope their somewhat helpful.

I’m not sure about the introduction with Hannah’s brother. Mostly because I’m not sure what he adds to the book, yet. If he’s important, then in the next draft you might consider some more graphic descriptions for him. (Something like, ‘He’s been spending his days crashed in the basement followed by late night conquests of Guitar Hero. I thought of him as a directionless Rolling Stones wannabe with so little momentum that he’s covered in moss. And look, he’s alive!’) I think it might be more worthwhile using the physics comparisons in unexpected ways.

I can feel your pain in the chapter. There are too many romance novels to blind us to unique ways to present the same thing. Part of my issue is that I still don’t really understand Rebecca. I understand her mixed feelings with Dan, but I don’t understand the pull Phelan has on her. She can’t stand her brother. I would think she would feel vindicated (maybe a little guilty) if he crashed and burned. After what she’s been through, she needs a little attitude. The detention is the type of thing that Rebecca would shrug off and not even go to – she says, “What can he do in school?” I would think she would say, “What’s he going to do if I don’t go? It can’t be worse than what he’s already done.”

The kiss seems a little sudden. I would expect Rebecca to go through some sort of internal wrangling. Something like in the morning meeting:

{He thinks I’m pathetic, Rebecca thought. I’m his pet social project. Wet hair, no sleep, no make up, sweats, and he calls me ‘beautiful’. Who is he trying to fool? I should just kiss him. That would shock him out of his sheltered existence.

In her weariness, the irregular motion of his lips captivated her. She lost track of whatever he was trying to say. Full for a guy and a little dry. His mouth was off-center. She had never noticed that before. He spoke out of the right side of his mouth. Dan is totally kissable. Whoa, I mean Mr. Waters. What am I thinking?

“I want what I think to matter,” Mr. Waters said with something like passion that startled her. He backed away from the wall.

Rebecca barked out a grunt, not having heard anything he said leading up to that. “Well then, say something that matters,” she blurted out with faux bravado. She counted the buttons down his shirt. Now, she thought. Now, I should kiss him.

Instead, she tore out of the room, down the hall, and around the corner before she paused and leaned against a freshman’s locker. She inhaled a couple of quick gasps, and then started laughing out loud. Holy shit, Rebecca. Get a grip on yourself.

She took a few more minutes to collect herself before she rushed off to Physics lab.

I should’ve just kissed him, she thought. That’d shut down the pity party.}

Something like that – then when she kissed him at the end of the day, it wouldn’t seem so random. The entire second scene would have ramped up tension.

Anyway, that’s my idea. I think this was more difficult to write than the chapter was for you. It’s taken me all week.

Rebecca needs a goal – something that creates another spoke in the tension wheel.

Hey there! It's been a long time since I've read this.

And even though it's been a long time, I totally remember not liking Lucia at all. Like, she's just as horrible as Phelan, if you asked me.

Review of first half of chapter: I really enjoyed how you played around with the element of Rebecca starving. I got the impression that Phelan was starving her, be it for punishment or slimming her up. But that opening line, "Her thighs touched her ribs, but not her belly..." was really powerful imagery. Instant, I knew from that she wasn't eating/suffering from starvation, and I also felt it really added to her current situation. Rebecca is *not* in a good place, that's for sure.

I also find it quite interesting that Phelan gets upset when Rebecca tries to curse. A bit hypocritical even, given that he's involved with human trafficking. A small but important/interesting characteristic.

Review of second half:

LOL twenty bucks is a lot, okay?! xD

OH PLOT TWIST. So, Dan pretty much figured out who "R" is...not Roge, but in fact our poor Rebecca. D: I wonder how this will go down...Will he help save her? Or will he indulge in the trafficking. My bet is he's going to get her out of there, and hopefully he won't be *too* late.

And what an awesome cliffy it was, haha!

I really enjoyed this chapter! It was very entertaining and it got quite suspenseful by the end!

If you're still doing review exchanges (I saw your post in Roadhouse), I would love feedback on my story Convict's Blood. :)

Oh gawd, how can her thighs reach her ribs? _

I like how Rebecca keeps her quirks despite her state and her reaction to things. It's kind of hilarious at times.
Also, there are instances in which I read stories mostly for the characters and plot but not precisely the prose. Most of it sounds recycled, and it it exceptionally hard to find someone with such a singular writing voice. Kudos for that. It certainly lights up the story ;)

‘bruising lovesickness’ – mmm, so good :D. I love this opener – the only thing I wasn’t sure about is if the cowboy boots girl and the brown hair girl are both Sophie? I’m probably just being dense… But as usual, your writing is so pretty and smart. The cat guts stuff is unbelievable adorable and squishy, I love it :). The things you do to meet pretty people… The impact of this first section is so strong – you manage to tell us so much about Dan and Sophie’s relationship, and then WHAM bring us straight back to the here-and-now with Rebecca again.

‘Rebecca’s home sang a tale of contradictions’ – this part was so juicy. I love how observant and intelligent both of your characters are. I’d be such a brick in that situation and notice nothing. You always impress me so much with the things you think of telling, and your writing is so light and easy to read, that all this description is pretty, rather than overwhelming (and I am VERY easily overwhelmed, ahem).

Uck, all this drama with Tommy. I do weirdly sympathise with the boy. I do not like him, and slapping your sister (and trying to punch her, eep!) is not a good thing to do, but he is still one of my favourite characters in this. There’s something about him that’s so desperate and try-hard, and he’s *so* quick to jump on Rebecca – make his worrying *her* fault and all. Like…has he forgotten why she ran off in the first place. My own brother’s a bit like him actually – always blaming other people for his own problems. Of course, I’ve over-simplifying – Tom, like all of your characters – has more layers than that. But still. I love the way you portrayed him – his angry line about being Rebecca’s pimp. He’s A LOT of bark, isn’t he? A bit of bite too.

I love how you turned around the thing Dan sees – that people’s places tell stories – and have Rebecca considering his place later on. And instead of looking at what’s there, she looks at what isn’t. In the context of the first part of this chapter, and we know that Dan’s wife died, it’s so heartbreaking to see those missing kids and dog and wife. Poor lonely Dan, bless him. He needs some more happiness in his life, being surrounded so much by all these could-have-beens. Also, it’s another fun way that Dan and Rebecca are actually pretty similar, but also (obviously) fundamentally different people. It’s like how bats and birds both have wings *snuggles them*.

ALSO GIVE THAT GIRL A PUPPY :p

Hi! Oh my goshhh, I’m so bad. I can’t believe you apologise when you take like more than a day to return. Look how terrible I am *hangs head*. I think I’ve been on holiday and moved house since I last reviewed. Unfortunately, I still don’t have proper internet at the new place (and won’t for like two weeks – I know, I will end up eating myself out of boredom) so I haven’t been reviewing half as much as I’d like. So sorry (again!). BUT HELLO! RARE INTERNETTY TIME :D.

OH THE JOYS OF MCDONALDS. Bahaha. I love how such a depressing place (expired lipstick buns! Omg I never noticed, and I err used to work there…) is such a lil paradise for the poor girl right now. It’s weird how that does happen. And ooh, I love this – ‘restaurants with plastic seating passing off as leather’ – it’s Rebecca’s sweet sort of cynicism coming out. As ever, I absolutely love the complexity of her character. She’s just so freaking *real*, and so so interesting and observant and *glomps her*. I really relate to this girl (although she is FAR more intelligent than I will ever be).

‘”No, thank you.” [She] would have loved a drink’ – capitalisation typo.

Aww taxes! That sucks :(. We don’t have that here (it’s all included), but it’s probably more expensive anyway…

‘In the emptiness all sounds, the whirring…’ – this is probably me being picky, but maybe separate the sounds from the rest of the sentence with dashes, and put a comma after ‘the emptiness’ – sorry if that’s wrong! You seem like a grammar star, and I most certainly am not one, but I just had to slow down reading this part a bit to make sense of it.

‘she stacked them in different piles until she thought she was probably looking stupid’ – lovely detail :). And bless her and her teenage insecurities.

‘If Arielle or Hannah ever show up’ – showed up?

I love how Rebecca’s main concern seems to be ALL THIS DAMN HOMEWORK. I don’t know – is she sort of distracting herself from the whole Phelan thing? Because she sort of keeps shooting back to it, and then darting away with – eep, look at all the homework. I can imagine I’d be pretty similar in that situation – like what went on with Phelan is so dark and unusual that it must be hard to actually process. You’d sort of go into denial a bit maybe. I don’t know (thank gee!).

Daww, a rare moment of sweetness from Thomas! BLESS. I wish Rebecca had more sweetness in her life, I just wanna reach through my screen and hug the poor thing better! She just seems like a sad little shadow sometimes, walking around and feeling melancholy. Like how she was willing to have sex *shudder*. I hope she manages to get more self-worth, bless the little thing.

‘To believe that Thomas transformed was a futile dream’ – Oh *weeps*. Tom is actually one of my favourite characters – not because I like him – I just like reading about him. He’s an annoying brother, and a bit of a douche, but he’s clearly not heartless. He has all this (maybe false) pride too, but not too much to back it up.

219, 760 – NO PROBLEM WITH REPAYMENT? Um. Phelan. No Phelan. Go jump down a hole Phelan.

And can’t believe he didn’t cancel the loan. What a dickhead *throws stones at him*.

Lovely lovely lovely! I wish I could be more help! :D

BTW – no problem on the finals week. I’ve spent the last few weeks traveling through peak graduation season. It’s exhausting.

I think I feel your pain on this chapter. Some of the dialogue feels forced (especially Phelan’s), not natural. A few things that might help:

1)If Dan & Rebecca are both going to be so restrained in their emotions, think about some internal sensations (a twinge of nausea, a painful neck, or wondering if anyone notices the beads of sweat on the forehead.)
2)For the interaction with Rebecca, have Phelan hint at ramifications (“Arielle … hmmm ... she’s your friend, right? Such a marvelous student.” He shakes his head and sigh. “A treacherous dichotomy. Almost limitless scholarly potential, yet adventuresome … so many activities of dubious legality.”). The tension could come from Rebecca’s imagination as she ruminates on the worst-case possibilities - as opposed to having Phelan spell them out. It might have helped to have someone earlier in the story who crosses Phelan to have an unfortunate event.
3)Perhaps give Rebecca a thought to a plan as she enters Phelan’s office – even if the plan goes completely awry. (He’s going to cancel that debt. That’s what he’s going to do. If he doesn’t, then I’m going straight to the police and turning him in. That’s all I have to say, nothing more. I can almost feel his fear.) Her confidence waivers almost as soon as she opens her mouth and Phelan turns to face her.
4)Something is off on the character Jen. She sounds like a double agent working for Phelan (I hope not – that would be too cartoonish.) Her entering the classroom at the same time as Phelan seems wrong, and her excuse doesn’t ring true. It might have been better for her to arrive first (especially if it was right after an awkward question from Dan to Rebecca). She would be very casual while Dan taps his toes (along with other impatient gestures). Then Phelan could enter, adding to the tension. Once Phelan & Rebecca leave, Jen would have an excuse to say, “What the hell was that about?”

So apparently i have issues with reading a chapter and then completely forgetting to review it. I must have read this... at least a week ago? But natta. So sorry, Whirly-woo! I am the slowest :(. Anyhoo, I'll try to remember what I was going to say, and see if I can get to the next one today (or tomorrow) too :)

Umm personally I find the breaks helpful, because otherwise I fuss and worry about who's thinking what, but I am really one for getting inside a character's head when I'm reading, and just sitting there like a fat penguin, so if everyone else prefers the lack of clear pov breaks, then ignore me completely. One thing though - couldn't this chapter just be told completely from Rebecca's point of view to avoid the issue entirely? All we get from Dan is that he's worried about her and trying to help, which we'd know anyway because it's lovely Dan. Rebecca's pov I think was more interesting because she's wrong about Dan and his intentions, so there's more conflict there. But um if you want to always/usually have them both in charge of bits of each chapter, again ignore me. Was such a minor thing :)

I think my other cc thing was just that the first sentence was a little convoluted and could maybe be rephrased a little too help us jump in.

Ok blab now :). As I said, I really really liked Rebecca in this one, and how beautifully you described her feelings about Dan being there. I like how she just kind of have up for a bit and had this 'Let's just do it then' attitude to sex with her teacher for no real personal gain. It's sad that she has that sort of attitude, but you can just tell how beaten down and freaking exhausted the poor girl is. I'm so glad she managed to get out of there without having to screw Santa! And I wonder how this experience will shape her. And where will she go now? *Hugs her*

It’s amazing how easy it is to be hyper-critical when you’re reading a chapter line by line trying to develop comments. I went back to the first chapter to see what I could remember about Rebecca’s mother. As I’m reading, I am thinking, “This is really good.” It got me wondering why I can’t just relax, read, and enjoy.

With that in mind (because I could not just relax, read, and enjoy) I have some suggestions:

-“They sat seminar-style around low tables mimicking Freshman.”

This sentence is too open ended to set the scene. When I first read it, I thought “They” referred to Rebecca and her friends. It’s a little jarring to realize they are not. Maybe, “The English Department staff sat seminar-style … .”

-“Third term was marked by lengthening days and piling work for teachers and students alike, and also by eight hours of mandatory professional workshopping.”

I think this would be better to split into two sentences.

- I’m still confused about the “civil action”. Civil actions can be almost anything from property disputes, auto accidents, or sexual harassment. My inclination is that it’s something along the sexual harassment, but that is also a broad category (everything from hanging inappropriate pictures in the workplace to discrimination to sexual assault). I still am not clear as to how Dan figured a connection between the "Civil Action" and Rebecca's mother.

-“alright” should be “all right”.

-“He felt Phelan crush a smile onto his face.” It sounds like Phelan is kissing Dan.

-I don’t think Rebecca’s physics problem is a real physics problem.

-I would add more description to the end of the chapter (when the four of them meet in Dan’s classroom.) Build subtext behind this moment to play up the uneasiness. For instance, footfalls quieting outside the classroom as students disperse until one set of hardsoled shoes ring clear, the door knob turning, Rebecca’s breath catching followed by the sensation of feeling trapped

-Does Moran Jen? It seems weird to me that Jen is parading around with Phelan (unless there’s more to it than I think.)

This chapter seems to be very low tension. This is one of those things that I struggle with all of the time. Look for some opportunities to increase it.

My first thought would be the "truth or dare" game (always ripe for tension.) It starts out with some good description (read through that first paragraph again, it paints the picture well, but it's a little awkward.) Then we see the re-introduction of Arielle and Hannah. I don't think I have a good picture of them. (Do you ever describe them?) For the truth or dare, mixed with alcohol, Arielle and Hannah would try to pry some information out of Rebecca (which she would resist in the worst way.) Or, something with the cousin.

Dreams are tough; almost always low tension since they don't directly influence the story. It might be better to have Dan wake up and think about the strangeness of the dream. Then get angry at himself for whatever reason (losing the memory of his wife or getting those memories muddled with Rebecca.)

I'm not very clear about the big reveal. I like it - it's definitely a curious twist. I'm not sure how Dan decided it was Rebecca's mother.

I really love Whirly Gigs, I buy new ones and add them to my garden. Happy Birthday to you, every birthday. And for those in between, I'll think of you always when anything from these scenes play by in my real life.

I actually enjoyed your interluding and trying with different techniques. You're very clever. For me it felt a mixture of modern Jane Eyre, with Mr Rochester's thoughts. I need to revisit that novel. Also a blending of Wuthering Heights for Heathcliffe thoughts. Although, our hero here is not a dark sap.

I'm over here, so the locations fitted well, because this is your story to do as you please.

Will you let me know when this is put into paperback? And always know how appreciate I am of this story. It's put a very nice, single thin gold thread of love around it.

I swear to you that I wrote this review weeks ago. I just noticed that it never posted. I'm very sorry about that.

The dialog flows very well and realistic. I love the cadence of what you wrote. There's just enough actions between the lines to help it flow. I wondered about the conversation with Jen - they didn't seem to accomplish to much from a story perspective. I read ahead to the next chapter and it makes more sense. I think it might be better to add something to foreshadow her finding information about about Roger (ex. I may check in to dear old Roge. He does seem to have a lot of secrets.")

The roadkill metaphor seems appropriately morose for Rebecca. (I have heard the same thing about road kill, but I think it is more complicated than that - children leave their home & travel to new areas just like people. Unfortunately, many of them cross the road.) As a metaphor, you might consider is how it can resonate within the story through repetition in different aspects - i.e. who is the car and who is the vulture? I'm not sure if that works perfectly, but that sort of repetition can add power to metaphors. (For instance, in the opening scene with Tom driving Rebecca to visit Phelan, he could strike a dog. Rebecca could plead with him to stop and find the owner, but Tom thinks 'time is money.') In your usage, Spring (normally a rebirth and renewal metaphor) becomes a metaphor for death.

I'm thinking too much about this.

As I read the comments about Jane Eyre, I'm reminded about how much literature permeates this story. I wonder if Rebecca may by Daphne du Maurier's character. I'm not sure about that - in this case Sophie would be Dan's "Rebecca". Are you trying to achieve something along those lines?

Overall, I think this chapter keeps the story flowing (I already said I had to read ahead, which is a good thing.) I continue to believe that Rebecca needs a more clearly defined goal.

It wasn't me, but you need accolades and rounds of applause and a big THANK YOU!

This is amazing, wonderfully fantastic.

Sigh and swo...