Reviews for The Big Bad Wolf
Starlight Crystal 9 chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
Wow! I never thought of Little Red Riding Hood like that. It does make more sense though. Wolves usually are not as bad as most people think. I just wished you had made the story longer than a oneshot. Your idea is creative and would make an excellent story. It would also help if you included some more details in the story about Little Red Riding Hood. That way people could make cmparisons and see how maybe it was true that the wolf did love little red riding hood. Overall, our story was fantastic and it really made my day. Continue writing and i hope i wasn't too harsh. bye.
Starlight Crystal 9 chapter 1 . 12/26/2011
Wow! I never thought of Little Red Riding Hood like that. It does make more sense though. Wolves usually are not as bad as most people think. I just wished you had made the story longer than a oneshot. Your idea is creative and would make an excellent story. It would also help if you included some more details in the story about Little Red Riding Hood. That way people could make cmparisons and see how maybe it was true that the wolf did love little red riding hood. Overall, our story was fantastic and it really made my day. Continue writing and i hope i wasn't too harsh. sorry if I was. bye.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 12/16/2010
"Jerk." She barks.

-Edit: period needs to be comma after "Jerk" and she needs to be un-capitalized. You're doing this a lot where you leave your speaker tag hanging from its dialogue. When you have "She barks." detached from the dialogue, it sounds weird as one sentence, grammatically you have it as "Jerk." and then "She barks." and it should be smooth and together...

"You're such a creep." Adalyn laughs.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "creep", same reason as above

"...and blue eyes." I say proudly.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "eyes", same as above

"Yum." I chuckle.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "yum", same as above

"Sofie hates Liam." Adalyn says amused.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "Liam" and comma needs to be inserted after "says"

"Ironic, I hate Carter." Weston adds.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "Carter"

"You're pretty." I tell her.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "pretty"

"...about how you look." Shelby says.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "look"

"I SWEAR SHE'S PMS-ING." Eli shouts from inside.

-Edit: needs comma instead of period after "ING"

"...fully body suit." She says quietly.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "suit", un-capitalize "She"

-Style: edit as "quietly says"

"...that in 8th grade." I reply gently.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "grade"

-Style: edit as "gently reply"

"Carter," She laughs, "Come on."

-Edit: un-capitalize "She"

"You're sexy Eli." I comment.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "Eli"

-Style: would change "comment" to "says", don't be afraid of using "says" as much as possible

"Dude sick! I'd bang you." Eli adds.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "you"

"We're beastly babe." I state.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "babe"

-Style: change "state" to "say"

"He speaks the truth." Eli agrees.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "truth"

"We don't know." Adelyn and Eli say simultaneously.

-Edit: comma instead of period after "know"

"I care about you to," She slurs...

-Edit: un-capitalize "She"

"You really are my big bad wolf," She giggles...

-Edit: un-capitalize 'She"

"I," She points to herself...

-Edit: un-capitalize "She"



-Style: so, during this, are they supposed to have fallena sleep? I think you should write that-since this is a story, and not a comic book. So instead of doing just the ellipses, actually write something like, 'We drifted off to sleep in one anothers arms" or something like that, I think that wouldn't be too hard to write

"Nothing," I smile, "What hey you know what?

-Edit: un-capitalize "What"

The biggest thing about this overall is just the editing, I think it could really do for another strong read-through, with special attention paid to the dialogue and speaker tags. I think I pointed out most of what was wrong, so hopefully that can help you in your editing process.

As far as content goes, the pace of this piece went quite fast because you had so much dialogue happening-and it was short fast dialogue conversation too, so I think it could be worth it to slow the story down a little more with some deeper description of surroundings and description of the characters. That being said, however, the goal of the piece, which I'm assuming is up the Fluff genre alley, was accomplished. It's probably the fluffiest thing I've read in awhile, XD, and though not my personal favorite genre, I think you did do it justice and for those who do enjoy reading it, you did a good job. I liked how you foiled the entire plot with the idea of Little Red Riding Hood, especially with that new movie coming out and everything, this worked well. I also thought that theme of the "wolf" just being lonely as a unique take. Fun narrative voice over all, and a great little read!