|Reviews for Rainbows in Hell|
| invisible black sheep chapter 15 . 3/23/2011
Oh my god. I got FIVE emails from fictionpress today and I spazzed. I should just start checking your profile because fictionpress is slow at telling me you update. But YEA! (for the first few chapters) and then EW! Icky mommy! (for the last few). I feel so bad for Kate and Gabe for having to deal with that when they were growing up. S'gotta suck BIG TIME. And I'm very sorry for the spastic review I was just excited and had lots of sugar. Can't wait to read more :)
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 3/2/2011
I groaned and sunk farther into my pillow willing the intrusion to be just a nightmare.
-Verb tense: the rest of the paragraph is in present tense
...but can't seem to hear the obnoxious knocking, instead pretending to be asleep knowing I won't wake him because, he's had a very hectic week at work and I feel sorry for him.
-This long sentence worked out up until '...knowing I won't wake him.' After that, it becomes a run-on. The easiest fix to this is to end where I suggested and either make the next part a full sentence or use a semicolon, like so: "...knowing I won't wake him; he's had a very hectic week..."
I sent one fleeting look...
-Starting here, you shift from present to past tense.
I flung open the door open the door only to...
-Omit one of the 'open the door's
I hadn't seen my mother in years 5 years 8 months and 29 day to be exact...
-You need some sort of punctuation between the first 'years' and 5. Either a period, ellipsis, or colon
...after 1am in the morning...
-The 'in the morning' is redundant since you have 1AM already
...I said still wondering if the night had actually happened of it was some bizarre dream.
-'Of it' should be 'or if it'
I kissed him back and smiled, completely unaware that my brother was just down the hall crying himself to sleep.
-While the bit about her brother is a nice dramatic touch, it doesn't fit with the POV you've chosen. This would work with an omniscient narrator, in third person, but with a first person narrator, you're basically limited to what she'd know.
Okay, the first part of this is pretty solidly written. Aside from the verb tense shift, I didn't have any problems with it. Around the time the narrator's mom showed up, though, the sentences started to become run-ons and a number of sentences started with the whole word capitalized (such as MY and IT in the paragraph about her office). A good read-through out loud would help you find the run on sentences and quick editing should help fix the typos. Content-wise, this isn't really my sort of story, so I can't say much about the premise. From a storytelling standpoint, though, I will say that two things stood out to me. First, I wasn't sure what the narrator's name was. While your note at the top says so, it's best to bring it up somehow in-text. For instance, you could have Dax or her mom address her by name. Second, the ending could use a little work. You have an opening for a good hook for readers (to lure them onto the next chapter) with the idea that she will now get to know her brother again and understand how troubled he is. There's potential there, but the execution as such was lacking. Overall, a decent start to a story. With a bit of editing, this could be a solid opening.
| Pale White Shadow chapter 10 . 1/11/2011
And after that I'm done and I'll be looking forward to more. Oh, and I think you said something about reading my own stories? Go for it, I got some stories and poems. Strangely one named "Gabe"... oh well, read it or don't. And if you feel like sending me a PM, go for it. Anyway, I liked the story a lot, and I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
| Pale White Shadow chapter 8 . 1/11/2011
You made me smile with this chapter. The conversation between Dax and Kate was actually pretty normal for a couple. I just can't help feeling like there's something wrong with the comment "Eww you pervert!" I mean, Dax and Kate HAVE to be having sex, I think it was even mentioned a few times. And he's supposed to be a billionaire's son, of course he's been out screwing models or some such activity I assume rich young men do. So what's with the childish comment? I don't know, maybe I'm just reading too much into grammar and language, but that's just me as an author.
| Pale White Shadow chapter 6 . 1/11/2011
I've been reading the story and enjoying it very much up to this point. Believe me when I say I'm going to keep reading. It's a very enjoyable story. But the author's note is VERY unnecessary. You just ruined the whole point of reading this story for me. You explained the whole thing. It is up to the reader to figure out what the story is about, to draw their own conclusion. That's what makes reading... well, reading. With explaining it beforehand, you just took that away. You didn't spoil it, you just took away some of that joy. Do I want to see how the characters develop and the final outcome? Yes. And I will continue to do so. But now I feel that you have ruined that little joy for me at the end of the story. Bad you. Bad you. Anyway, to continue...
| invisible black sheep chapter 10 . 1/11/2011
Sometimes you can't go too heavy on ALL your chapters :) I understand. And Johnathan sounds amazing. Kinda reminds me of my cousin. lol. I'm glad you enjoy I say what I like about the story and not just 'love it'. That just seems a little too non-committal to me. It's like you read the story if you really loved it tell me what you loved about it kinda thing. But yeah, I like Roland (still) and Johnathan who seems like a great best friend. I also like that your characters aren't prissy perfect like everyone tends to make theirs. I like making/reading about characters who have flaws that you can't really overlook but you still love them anyways. Wow did I really write that much? Ops...sorry...
| invisible black sheep chapter 9 . 1/10/2011
Hearts all the way :) I like Roland (even though he IS a teenage boy and we all know how they are...) though I don't like saying forever because sometimes people turn into such dicks... I loved the chapter and I'm so glad you'll be updating! I'm sorry about your family and I feel kind of bad for Kate's mom but at the same time I hate her. I like the depth of all your characters. It gives them something more.
| Lollipop Flaved Raze chapter 2 . 12/25/2010
Dax is pretty sweet :D And what is with Kate and Dax and Bram Stoker? xD
Also, out of pure curiosity, what kind of books does Kate write? :3
| Lollipop Flaved Raze chapter 1 . 12/25/2010
| invisible black sheep chapter 8 . 12/24/2010
I think you do :) and I love them all too. Dax, I could see him being that trouble-maker kid. lol. I love your characters and this is a very good holiday present :) I'm sorry I didn't respond on your last chapter (I just got on my email after a bit of not, been so busy last-minute shopping). Can't wait for more!
| invisible black sheep chapter 6 . 12/20/2010
Aww! I love it! And the chapter was AMAZING. Dax's family is amazing- I love his mom. :)
| xoxlizzie chapter 6 . 12/19/2010
I loved this chapter! Dax is definitly my favourite character now. I like my new view of Kate, it makes me like her. This story is developping nicely. Keep at it!
| invisible black sheep chapter 5 . 12/18/2010
I thought this was a very well written chapter! It played out the characters a bit more and it was in a way that doesn't make you fall asleep. There was nothing wrong with this chapter. :) I can't wait for the next chapter (for the umpteenth time, lol).
| xoxlizzie chapter 4 . 12/14/2010
I really admire your writing style, it's unique and I really like readying your stories. I wish my stories were as well-written as yours but I know that that's impossible. Update this one quickly, k?
| invisible black sheep chapter 1 . 12/14/2010
Ohmygoodness, wrong author with the bad editing! Sorry! That's what happens when you have no life and you read ten fictionpresses a day... -_-" sorry...