Reviews for SWAPPED!
DutchAver chapter 6 . 10/22/2011
I am SO SORRY for forgetting this story over time. I am going to finish reviewing this, that's a promise, but I just forgot over time. I know, stupid me - got busy with university and stuff. But I'm back, so let's get this thing reviewed right now!

Sara swears very funnily, with 'what the F' and all that XD

The woman in the shop seems to be very wise, and I think she has some supernatural connections - she's the one who starts the body-swap, I guess?

I'm very much surprised at Iemon thinking Sara's a nice girl - he doesn't really treat her nicely, after all, so I didn't see that coming. Why wouldn't she have any friends?

One mistake:

'this place is giving me goose bumps' I believe goosebumps is one word

Hope this review was helpful, even though it took me WAAAAY to long(and I'm still sorry about that) but here it is nevertheless! Keep it up!
DutchAver chapter 5 . 9/2/2011
Sara and Iemon being invited to start writing for the magazine was surely a surprise, and the way you set it up is very, very interesting. I can't wait to find out how it'll make them act!

Sara's reaction to accidentally walking into Sattwick was very, very funny XD Is he a future love interest for her? Nevertheless, it's very obvious Iemon's green with jealousy for Sattwick. Those two are probably going to end up together, don't they?

Why doesn't Iemon want to visit his mother, by the way?

Two mistakes:

'"I only posted about wanted a writer interested in politics.' This should be either: 'I only posted that I wanted...' or 'I only posted about a writer...'.

' Maybe it was the start of a new team work of ours.' Teamwork is one word

See you tomorrow, or maybe a day later if I won't make it tomorrow!
DutchAver chapter 4 . 9/1/2011
I love how Sara doesn't turn out to be the all-sweet girl when it comes to music tastes - I especially love the reaction 'oh please, I listen to music.'

Sara's reasoning to the magazine being good stinks a little, there are many awful magazines out there that somehow manage to sell very well XD

I still don't like Iemon, and that's actually a compliment for you - it's really tough to write from the perspective of a protagonist you don't like and still make the story good, and this story's definitely good while I really don't like Iemon. He's an egocentric selfish you-know-what, and it doesn't seem like there can come one positive word out of his mouth, unless he tries really hard.

Nevertheless, this story's good, and I can't wait for the next chapter! Keep it up, I hope this review was helpful!
DutchAver chapter 3 . 8/31/2011
How did Iemon have a 'troubled life'? He's certainly being a jerkass in this chapter, the way he treats Abhash and later Sara is just mean. He apparently can't stand nice people, or is that just me?

Sara's got all reason, so far, to get angry at Iemon - so far, I don't really like the guy, though that can change in the future.

The conversation at the end felt a bit like... forced foreshadowing, I don't think two people who have met just yesterday can have a conversation about not surviving being the other person, and it makes it a little too clear that they're going to body-swap: I myself would remove the conversation. Apart from that, good chapter! I'll try to review the next one tomorrow if I find the time, though I'm not sure :)
DutchAver chapter 2 . 8/25/2011
Poor Iemon, he has so few friends, though I think there's a reason for it, which we'll find out soon. I rather like Sara and her politeness - I'm sure she'll be a nice person to get along with.

Abash and Lilian have been best friends since college? Nice coincidence, as Samantha and Linda from my story are too ;)

I checked the chapter names - do you really have to capitalize everything? I don't think that'll be necessary.

A few spelling mistakes:

'"Ladies and gentlemen, we would be descending in twenty more minutes. It is a request to all of you to put on your seat belts."' This sounded a little awkward to me - I think this will sound better: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we will descend in twenty more minutes. Please put on your seatbelts.'

'We request you to turn off any electrical gadgets...' Same story, I'd replace 'we request you to turn off...' by 'please turn off...'

I've returned all your reviews, looking forward to reading more of you!
DutchAver chapter 1 . 8/25/2011
Ooh, interesting way to start the story! I guess this is like Freaky Friday, a body flip? Strange way of an introduction, but I guess it's okay.

Curious to read your next chapter!
lianoid chapter 21 . 1/3/2011
You are most welcome, my dear. It was a pleasure reading your work and exchanging reviews with you. :)

(I totally thought Iemon and Sara were going to end up together. Oops!)

Yay, completed novella! Congratulations! :D
lianoid chapter 20 . 1/3/2011
On the 24th it closed down for the seniors, and would only open on the 24th of the next month.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

It was during this time that my dad called up mom, and invited Sara and me to come visit him for two weeks in the summer vacation.

-Edit: Same as above.

"I was wondering, what you think about going to spend two weeks with your father in Pondicherry?"

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

She looked at me sternly and then smiled, "No wonder he extended the invitation to Sara too."

-Edit: Change the comma after "smiled" to a period.

Sara who had until now been fiddling with her food, looked up wildly and said.

-Personal: I would revise the first part of this to read, "Sara, who until now, had been fiddling with her food..." (commas optional).

I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Nor do I. not really."

-Edit: Change "not really" to "Not really".

"No is of course forcing any of you to take this vacation to Pondicherry," Abhash Basu interjected, smiling at the two of us,

-Edit?: I believe you're missing "one" after "No". Also, commas around "of course" and change the comma after "two of us" to a period.

"No," I interrupted, smiling too, "Thanks for the offer.

-Edit: Change the comma after "too" to a period.

"I'm coming with you," said Sara, suddenly, making everyone at the table look around at her.

-Personal: I would remove "around".

I smiled at her, "Thanks, Sara. Are you sure you could stand two weeks with the Mukherjee boys?"

-Personal/Edit: I would remove "at her" and the comma after "her" should be a period.

"Oh please," she retorted, "You look for any excuse to get my nerves."

-Edit: Comma after "Oh" and the comma after "retorted" should be a period.

I wasn't very sure how much fun it would be around dad...

-Edit: This final paragraph is too large. It's difficult to digest everything when one has to commit to such a large paragraph, so I suggest starting a new one with the line quoted above.

And we finally come to the end! What a fun tale. I definitely like how Sara and Iemon became closer as the story progressed; I think you handled their dynamic nicely. I think with some careful editing (don't forget descriptions and using the five senses) this could be a even more awesome story! :D
lianoid chapter 19 . 1/3/2011
She really wanted to get herself some books. I decided to tag along with her.

-Personal: I would revise this to read, "She wanted to buy some books and I decided to tag along."

Partly because I didn't know half the city yet and partly because, it gave me the added opportunity to annoy the hell out of her

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

"I'm taking you Forum."

-Edit: Should there be a "to" before "Forum"?

"It's a new mall here, and I like to go to the bookstore next to it, when I want to do a bit of thinking."

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

The glass front doors had a red banner above it, made of metal plastic or something, that said: CROSSWORDS.

-Edit: Same as above.

"You're taking me to a book store?" I asked Sara, quizzically.

-Personal: I would remove the dialogue tag since I don't feel it adds anything to the dialogue.

I didn't feel like calling after her, so I wandered off on my own, and tried to find the music instruments section.

-Edit: Remove the comma after "own".

I straightened up, with the CD in my hands, overturned it and saw the price.

-Personal: I would remove the first comma.

"Sure," I answered, turning to the girl. I handed her back the CD and said, "Put it back for me, will you?"

-XDXD SHAME! He's so rude. Ha-ha. That was hilarious. Oh, man. Glad to see Iemon's still retained some of his trade jerkiness.

"Iemon!" I heard Sara's voice cut across the room like a whiplash

-Oh! Nice description there! Love that; very creative.

The girl who had snatched the CD from my hand said, "Well excuse me, for not being up to your taste, Mister."

-Edit: Remove comma after "me" and I would remove "Mister" because I think her dialogue would be stronger without it.

"Actually, it's master." My cocky attitude sure hadn't died out yet. Sara looked and stared at the girl.

-Ohp, nevermind. Ha-ha. Nice, Iemon's an ass in this chapter! So much fun! XD

"Oh no," she said, "You work here?"

-Who's "she"? We have two girls in this scene so it might be wise to clarify.

Anita she was a clever person, and knew exactly where Sara might get hurt.

-Edit: I feel as though "she" should be removed or a comma should be placed after "Anita". And I think the latter half might read better as, "and knew exactly how to wound Sara/bother Sara/get Sara worked up" or something similar.

"Anita," she said a little bothered I didn't remember her name from her friend's calling her, "Didn't you just hear them call me that."

-Edit: Instead of repeating information, remove the description between the dialogue and describe a facial expression or body language. Maybe she crinkles her nose or flicks her hair over her shoulder. Then she can ask if he hadn't heard them calling her that already without repeating yourself.

"I've got to say, Iemon. Thanks." Sara finally said when we were around ten minutes away from the office.

-Edit: Change the period after "Thanks" to a comma.

"Oh come on, I wasn't helping you out. I was merely using the age old technique." I answered, waving away her thanks.

-Edit: Comma after "Oh" and change the period after "technique" to a comma.

His name is Ronny, and he's been nominated for the Head boy position this year.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

"Look at the bright side she'd be gone when you go up to grade 12?" I smiled at her, trying my best to cheer her up.

-Edit: Place a period after "side" and would revise the next part to read, "She'll be gone when you go up to grade twelve."

Just trying to tell her, there were worst things in the world than plastic princesses called Anita.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

Sara gave in almost at once this time, "all I know is I never want to see those mean girls again. The one which works at the bookstore is in my class."-Edit: Change the comma after "time" to a period and "all I know" to "All I know". Also, I would change "The one which works" to "The one who works".

She hugged herself tightly, and with a few more steps we had arrived in front of the office. I finished my ice-cream, and waited for mom and stepdad to come out of the office.

-Edit: Commas not necessary.

I love how Iemon stuck up for Sara. I thought that was a really great moment and one that had me celebrating for a moment. I also like how he brushed it off afterwards; saying he only did it so Anita would lust after him. I thought that definitely fit his character and you worked it in perfectly.
lianoid chapter 18 . 1/3/2011
We had both realized what the 'secret' was, that had bound our souls together.

-Edit: Remove comma.

"Hello?" Sara called, entering after me, "Is anyone here?"

-Edit: Change comma after "me" to a period.

She smiled again and silently undid our bracelets from our wrists.

-How? I'd like some description here because the putting on the bracelets was a big thing, if I remember correctly.

"You don't want to see the set I had kept aside for you, dear girl?" the woman raised an eyebrow, and looked at her.

-Edit: Change "the woman" to "The" woman" and I would remove "and looked at her".

I added, "thank you though for everything.

-Edit: Comma after "added" should be a period and "thank" should be "Thank".

If it hadn't been for you, we would have known a lot of things."

-Edit?: I feel as though "would have" should be "wouldn't have".

Sara and me wouldn't really get along, since our banters took up more than eighty percent of our time.

-Personal: I would change "me" to "I".

I did like Sara; she was one of the best human beings I had come across in my life.

-HA! Semi-colon works here! :D

"Not in the mood, Iemon." Sara said again, and threw the ball back at me again.

-Edit: Period after "Iemon" should be a comma.

All too soon it was four o'clock, and Sara announced that.

-Personal: I would revise this to read, "All too soon Sara announced it was four o'clock." Also, remain consistent with this; in some chapters you write the number, but in others you write out the number. Choose a style and stick with it. :)

"Hey that's a good mark!" I said from beside her, "Besides you got good grades in English!"

-Edit: Comma after "her" should be a period.

The phone at my desk rang, and I answered it happily.

-Personal: I would remove the comma.

"Iemon, I know you don't want to talk to me or even see me, but it is important we decide this together." I could hear my dad saying.

-Edit: Remove "I could hear my dad saying".

"I'm not going to go through a custody battle, dad." I replied, once again forcing the word 'dad' out through my teeth, "You abandoned me."

-Edit: Period after "dad" should be a comma and comma after "teeth" should be a period.

Is it too much to ask, if I ask you to spend your summer vacations with me?

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

I don't like the lack of description about the issues Iemon has with his father. You mentioned it near the beginning and maybe once recently and then again now, but other than that, it hasn't been an undercurrent or developed at all.

Definitely liked the anticipation you built up before everyone finding out their marks. I think you handled that well and I definitely became excited to read the results.
lianoid chapter 17 . 1/3/2011
Everything had been set up, and our plan would just be set in motion once I found Sara's father; and she and Veer bhaiya got through to her mother.

-Edit: Comma after "up" not necessary, should "bhaiya" be capitalized (is that his last name), and "to her mother" should be "to my mother" yeah?

Sattwick had called our office give me the heads up that everything in the auditorium was going as planned.

-Edit: I believe you're missing "to" after "office".

"Dad," I announced, walking straight in to his office, opening the door.

-Personal: I would change "announced" to simply "said".

All I knew was, this was my only chance to set things right between these two people, "Dad, I need to ask something of you."

-Edit: Comma after "was" not necessary and comma after "people" should be a period.

Abhash Basu looked up from his comfortable chair and surveyed me, "What is it, Sara dear?"

-Edit: Comma after "me" should be a period.

"Excuse me?" he asked, extremely startled by my behavior, "Sara, are you okay?"

-Edit: Comma after "behavior" should be a period.

He smiled, ordered me to pull the curtains in his room; and go outside to wait for him.

-Edit: Semi-colon after "room" should either be a period or just not all there at all.

He emerged from the room; ten minutes later, looking perfectly handsome.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon and comma.

I however didn't have to time to marvel on that

-Edit: Comma after "I" and "however".

I was guessing by now that the auditorium had been filled up with the office staff; and was being minded by Sattwick, Alyssa, Jeff and Swastika.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon.

I went onto the stage, and saw the Father standing there, with his Bible in hand.

-Edit: Remove the commas.

He had kind twinkling eyes; and looked very elderly.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon.

I smiled back at him, "Not at all, Father. It's a surprise wedding."

-Edit: Change the comma after "him" to a period.

Sara caught my eye, and nodded.

-Edit: Remove comma.

The murmur of voices went down; and finally a hush descended over the whole auditorium, which now that I was seeing completely filled up, didn't seem quite as big when we first saw it.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon.

"Hello! Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen," I said into the microphone, "Most of your know me – Sara Basu.

-Edit: Comma after "afternoon" and change the comma after "microphone" to a period.

There was murmur of voices, speaking in the affirmative.

-Edit: I believe you're missing "a" before "murmur".

"Therefore I would ask you to join me and Iemon, in support of our parent's marriage."

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

Abhash Basu finally took off the blindfold; and was staring at me in disbelief.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon. I would revise the second half to read, "and stared at me in disbelief."

His came forwards, and his eyes scanned the auditorium. It stopped exactly where my mother was standing. She too took off her blindfold just then; and they stared into one another's eyes.

-Edit: Remove the comma after "forwards" and semi-colon after "then".

Jeff pressed the start button on the tape recorded, and it began playing the music.

-Edit: Comma after "recorded" not necessary and I believe you want "recorded" to be "recorder". Also, I would revise the last half to read, "and the music began."

I saw Sara offering mom my arm, and she beaming back at her son. Then slowly they made the journey towards us. They stopped right before us; and our parents faced one another.

-Edit: Comma after "arm" not necessary and remove the semi-colon after "us".

Delighted that our plan worked Sara and I both nodded.

-Edit: Toss a "had" before "worked" I believe and definitely a comma after "worked".

Once again his assistant saved the day, "Kiss her, boss!" she called from her seat "don't be such a chicken."

-Forgive me if I'm so wrong here, but I thought his assistant was a dude! D:

It was then, that the storm came back.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

Then just as suddenly the winds died.

-Edit: Comma after "Then" and "suddenly".

I opened my eyes, and felt myself.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

Neither did I remember standing there, behind my mom.

-Edit: Same as above.

I looked up; and saw myself staring into Sara's face.

-Edit: Remove the semi-colon.

We had swapped back! I had finally got my body back.

-Edit: See if you can revise the second sentence in order to remove the repetition of "back".

I could almost jump around with joy, when that realization dawned.

-Edit: I would revise this to read, "I almost jumped from joy when that realization dawned."

M'kay. I'm not liking your semi-colon usage here because you're using them in the wrong places. I suggest doing a quick Internet search regarding that form of punctuation. Glad to see they've finally swapped back, though! I like how, in the end, their plan worked and they returned to their bodies. :)
lianoid chapter 16 . 1/3/2011
I considered a moment, "Technically, it could be against the laws. But, I don't really think so."

-Edit: "laws" should either be "law" or "it could be against some laws" I believe.

While we were exchanging high fives, and cheers, Veer bhaiya's office door opened and he came out of it, looking a bit worried and lost.

-Edit: The comma after "fives" isn't necessary.

I like the pacing in this chapter. It moves along quickly which goes really well with the events. I also really like to see Sara and Iemon working together really well. They've developed nicely from the first time they met; it's nice to see that gradual transformation.
lianoid chapter 15 . 1/3/2011
"Hello? 'Everything under the Sun Magazine,' Lillian Hues, Women Rights column: Can I help you?" she said, as soon as she'd received my call.

-Personal: I don't like this dialogue tag. It's obvious who's speaking and when, so I feel it's redundant; I would remove it and just have her line of dialogue.

I heard her audibly and say...

-Personal: I don't understand this. "audibly and say" is redundant and confusing. I would just remove it altogether; you don't need a dialogue tag here.

Question. How is Iemon in Sara's body the one talking to her right now? Does Iemon have Sara's voice in addition to her body? If not, I think you should clarify that sooner because I'm left confused; I feel as though Sara should be the one asking the questions because she has Iemon's voice. And why did he cover the speaker of the phone? I don't understand that part; is it to mask his voice? If so, why? This just doesn't make sense to me.

So now Sara's talking to her. How? I'm so confused regarding the sound of their voices. D:

I heard her jabber away with her father for twenty five minutes. She wasn't using a false voice though. She used my voice.

-M'kay, I think a description like this needs to be earlier, and you should explain this more thoroughly.

"My mom died months after I was born," Sara smiled a little painfully. I found my eyes brimming with emotions.

-Personal: The "I found my eyes..." is confusing. It's Sara crying, not Iemon and although Sara has his body, it gets confusing when you interchange descriptions like that.

AN: Since I haven't visited your blog, I'd rather not know they become step-siblings in the future. That's officially a spoiler! D:
lianoid chapter 14 . 1/3/2011
Sara informed me, that it was really crowded in the mornings when people were out for their morning walks and in the late evenings when certain things went on.

-Edit: Comma after "me" not needed and I would remove "that". Also, what certain things? Parties, markets, what?

I asked her what 'certain things' but she simply blushed scarlet and began talking about the weather.

-Oh. HAHA! That's hilarious. I love that. Certainly wasn't expecting that. XD

Before the lake was a large stretch of green land. Southern Avenue was probably the greenest part of south Kolkata.

-Edit: I would change the period after "land" to a comma.

I began reading our excerpts of the entries now, like Sara had been doing so far.

-Edit?: Should "our" be "out"? It just reads oddly to me right now.

Abhash sent me a letter few days back, telling me about a girl he'd met in college. She too is from India, and is studying there.

-Edit: I would remove the commas from these two sentences.

She is obviously doesn't let anyone treat her like a doormat

-Edit: Remove "is".

"Shut up," I said, "you were just a baby back then. How on earth could you've killed your mother? Stop being silly! We have more important things to figure out."

-Thank you. I was worried she was going to become teary about it; it would have felt out of place, I feel, so I'm glad Iemon moved the dialogue along.
lianoid chapter 13 . 1/3/2011
A mother giving her teenage son her high school days journal! I flicked the pages of the journal.

-Personal: I would revise the second sentence in order to remove the repetition of "journal".

I had no choice but to give this insane plan a shot, "Let's get out of here now!"

-Edit: Change the comma after "shot" to a period.

Once we had printed out our respective articles, we left them on our desks, for Veer Bhaiya to collect them.

-Edit: Comma after "desks" not necessary and I would remove "them".

"We better tell your dad something, before running off!" I reminded Sara, "He did give us our spots without interviewing others."

-Edit: I would remove the comma after "something" and the comma after "Sara" should be a period.

Sara smirked at me, and said, "Well, well, well…Look who's turning all goody two shoes now. How come you change so much?"

-Edit: I would remove "at me". Also, I think "change" should be "changed".

Well considering it was just 7am in the morning, I wouldn't have been surprised if only Sara, I and the owners of the voices inside were the only ones present.

-Edit: A comma should be after "Well", I would change "7am" to simply "seven" since you say "in the morning" afterwards, and the comma after "Sara" isn't necessary.

"Well, I think the children should know, we owe them the truth after all!"

-Edit: I believe a comma should go after "truth".

Nevertheless once I got back my body, things would change!

-Edit: Comma after "Nevertheless".

I could distinctly catch a, "we have to think of the children", "we cannot deny it forever", and "everyone deserves a chance to be happy."

-Edit: When only narrating parts of a conversation, I believe ellipses should be used, so it should be, "we have to think of the children...we cannot deny it forever...everyone deserves a chance to be happy."

I don't feel this chapter's going around in circles; the chapter provided us with some more information regarding the relationship between the two parents and whatnot. I liked the gentle progression of this chapter; the pacing was great and all the actions were clear. I'm assuming the parents aren't talking about marrying the two kids, though; I image they want to be married to one another instead. I do like this subplot, though, because it provides the Iemon and Sara something to bond over.
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