Reviews for SWAPPED! chapter 18 . 12/23/2010
Loved the ending! OMG , I can't believed the story is almost over! The last chapter better be good!
Vernelley chapter 7 . 12/23/2010
Ah, the bracelets. Something's up with them.

The first thing I sort of noticed was the fact that the fashion girl is named Swastika. I don't know if it's a common name or anything, but I found it amusing. The banter between Sattwick and Swastika was entertaining though.

Just some suggestions:

"Well at least that's better than learning to team stupid pink shirts with silly white shorts!" Sattwick said, calmly.

-LOL. Ahem. Well the use of an exclamation mark sort of contradicts the use of 'calmly'. So I'd suggest changing the [!] to a comma.

He was well dressed than either me or Sattwick

-I would suggest using 'better' in place of 'well' since you need a comparative form here.

"your assignment today is to, name your column

-I don't think you need this comma here, but I might be wrong.

Anyways, other than that I think this chapter is fine. Hmm we still haven't reached the heart of the drama yet. Hopefully we'll get there soon.

Vernelley chapter 6 . 12/23/2010
Heheh there's no end to this banter is there? Wait, there probably is. Or maybe not. But I'm loving it ;D

Hmm it's interesting how Iemon actually admitted that Sara was a nice girl and noticed that the two of them are alike in some ways. I mean, sure, he reverted to normal after almost right away, but I have a feeling it's gonna be relevant again.

I noticed one error:

I kept subjecting her too.

-edit: should be 'to'.

Anyway, I sense drama coming up. So, I'll give you another look soon.

~Gossip chapter 17 . 12/23/2010
Wow! This was really good. I mean I was shocked myself! Ah! So happy for them! *wipes away fake tears* :D Wow, I can't believe the stories almost over!Ah!:)
Racer283 chapter 17 . 12/23/2010
Both chapters were really good. Can't wait to read last bit of this story and see what will happen in the sequel. Keep up the good work.
lianoid chapter 12 . 12/22/2010
"Come on Iemon, before someone else comes in."

-Edit: Comma after “on”.

I heard Sara hum something, as she worked.

-This line should be up on the previous one. And instead, I would make it a tag like, “Sara hummed as she worked” right after the dialogue/singing bit.

Oh you like the song?

-Edit: Comma after “Oh”.

I didn't reply to her.

-Edit: Remove “to her”.

"That my mom made the most disastrous life choice, that resulted in ruining not only her but my life as well?"

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

"Um, how do you mean?" I asked very confused by the riddles she was placing before me.

-Edit: I would remove “very” and toss a comma after “asked”.

"Oh just why she decided to move cross country and why did she suddenly decide to contact Mr. Abhash Basu after all these years!" she crossed my hands in front of my chest, and wore a really superior look on my face. "Guess what? She told me."

-Edit: Comma after “Oh”.

Wicked chapter. I had a feeling their parents had been together way back in the good ol’ days, but I hadn’t expected it to come to light. I like how Sara-as-Iemon spoke to Iemon’s mother about things, because that really seems like something she would do. Ha-ha. The dialogue’s smooth in this chapter, which made it easy and enjoyable to read, and your descriptions were great as well. Top notch chapter here. Keep it up!
lianoid chapter 11 . 12/22/2010
She winked, and made a mocking face. "I am dying to know your secret's Iemon.

-Edit: Change “secret’s” to “secrets”.

Or what that that the form people took when forced to become Iemon Mukherjee?

-Edit: Not sure what you were trying to say here. XD Sorry!

The walls of her room had been painted a baby pink hue.

-Edit: Remove “of her room”.

The ceiling of her room had been painted with glow in the dark stars and planets.

-Edit: Same as above.

Maybe that was because I mainly saw him around the office, and it is centrally air conditioned.

-Edit: Remove “that was” and change “and it is” to “which was”.

Okay, I’m confused. Another moment where your transitioning needs a bit of tweaking. One moment Iemon (as Sara) is looking in the mirror. Next he’s confused. Then he needs a smoke. Then he talks about never having seen Basu smoke before (which has to do with the present dilemma how, I’m not sure. How does he know he smoked if he had never seen him smoke before?). Then he thinks about his secret stash hidden in his real room. Then suddenly he’s on all fours sneaking around. Definitely need some better transitions here; it’s jumping around too much. Side note: Did you tell the reader he smoked before now? This just seems a bit sudden; I don’t recall him ever smoking before (sorry if you did mention it before). If not, I think you should go back and toss a quick description or two about that in a couple of the chapters. Maybe even have Sara detect a faint smell of smoke on him, or something.

Night time Kolkata is a beautiful place.

-Edit: “Night time” should be one word, I believe, and remove “place” since “nighttime” is a time and not a place. :)

M’kay, good ending. I would like a bit more description beforehand, though, regarding his position while smoking. I feel like you’re leaving out crucial descriptive moments. Especially during those transition parts, and definitely when he starts smoking. He took a cigarette and lighter from the drawer, but I don’t recall a description of him going to the terrace. Again, forgive me if I missed something! D:
lianoid chapter 10 . 12/22/2010
The pair of us was waiting for our parents, in front of the office's main door

-Edit?: I feel as though “was” should be “were”.

"Oh we would LOVE too," I said sarcastically…

-Edit: Comma after “Oh”.

The woman continued to smile at me, and I wished at that moment that I could have simply strangled her with my bear hands.

-Edit: “bear” should be “bare”.

"Oh well," I resigned to my Fate, "happy riddle solving to us both!"

-I would have liked more resistance from him here. He never seemed like the type of person to just give in so quickly, so I really think he shouldn’t cave so suddenly.

Loving the description in this chapter. Another short one, but it’s filled with awesomeness. It’s easy to visualize everything and your descriptions were clear and concise. Also, love the anagram business. This whole soul swapping thing is a lot of fun. :D
lianoid chapter 9 . 12/22/2010
"Now what do we do?" I whispered urgently to Sara when we had snatched five minutes to ourselves, after we were done pitching our stories.

-I would begin the chapter with explaining how they finally managed to snag five minutes to themselves, then the description of where they’re sitting and THEN the dialogue. I just think you could set up this scene a bit better, sort of lead the reader into the scene as opposed to dropping them right in it again. Especially since in the previous chapter you finally swapped them, I think it would be good to let the reader have a bit of a breather (which will be provided through setting up the scene with description first) and then going into the interaction.

We really needed to be out of other people's sight, before we were adjusted in the situation ourselves.

-Personal: I feel the second part of this sentence could be phrased better. Something like, “so we could adjust to the situation before interacting with other people” or something similar.

And me, being the smart Alec I was said, "As fine as it should, bonehead."

-Edit?: Not entirely sure, but I think “Smart Alec” should be “smart-aleck”. You have the same spelling in the previous chapter, so I’d double check this when editing.

"Yeah, calling 100 and getting sluts like you arrested." Sara had replied under my guise with a saccharine sweet smile.

-XDXDXD She did not say that? Ha-ha. That’s too mean. Oh, man.

"Hey you are holding up pretty well," I objected, pointing to my tearless face. "So why would I even say something like that?"

-Edit: Comma after “Hey” I believe.

I think this chapter definitely needs better transitions and descriptions. It’s short, which is fine, but you jump from one scene to the next. I think you need to slow it down a bit and incorporate some more descriptions. You have them messing up while being one another, and then you say how their co-workers find it hilarious, then you have them yelling at each other because they messed up each other’s pitches but not enough transitioning going on so it feels rather sudden and disjointed. I think you should tidy these parts up a bit so as to help with the flow, as well.
lianoid chapter 8 . 12/22/2010
It was a shame, that Sattwick had his desk right across mine.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

…since neither of them, cared about the other's writings.

-Edit: Same as above. :)

Alyssa, the gamer/gadget girl was too interested in the products she'd been asked to review to even notice the rest of us existed.

-Edit: Either remove “existed” since it’s redundant when used with “even notice the rest of us” or revise to read something like, “…to even acknowledge our existence.”

"Oh you think issues can be solved just by brainstorming, do you?" she asked me, flaring up.

-Edit: Comma after “Oh” and you can remove “me” since it’s clear she’s speaking to him.

In the blink of an eye, I found myself seized by my collars by this enraged Sara.

-Personal: I would change “this” to “an”.

She was nose to nose with me, and the rest of the writers stopped their work, to just watch what would happen next.

-Personal: I would change the last third of this sentence to read, “just to watch what would happen next.”

The earth around us shook really hard.

-Personal: I feel “earth” should be “floor” and I would remove “really hard”.

Sara lost her balance, and fell on top of me, sending us all, along with the chair to the floor.

-Edit: The first comma isn’t necessary and there should be one after “chair” since “along with the chair” is an inserted phrase, so to speak.

I thought something weird was happening.

-Personal: Kind of obvious. I would remove this. Ha-ha. :P

I covered her head with my hand, and felt her cling to me as the stupid storm continued, in what seemed like forever.

-Personal: I would remove “stupid” since I imagine this would be a weird situation and I don’t feel “stupid storm” is a good way to phrase is. Also, change “in what” to “for what”.

Scared, Sara reached out, and touched my other free arm.

-Edit: Second comma not necessary and I would remove “other”.

Like some magnetic pull, our bracelet bound hands found each other, and our fingers were intertwined with one another

-Personal: I would remove “were”.

I waited with baited breath for the silly paper storm to stop.

-Personal: Again, I don’t think calling the storm stupid or silly works well, so I would remove “silly” from this sentence.

I shook my head, and looked around

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

My heart rate increased, as I realized that someone was sitting in my place

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

The figure on the opposite side too seemed confused.

-Personal: I would revise this to read, “The figure on the opposite side seemed confused, as well.”

In that God forsaken second, I found myself staring at my own face.

-Edit?: I feel “God forsaken” should be “Godforsaken”.

"What are we going to do?" I asked in a defeated voice, "We can't tell anyone about this."

"Are you insane?" Sara screwed up my face in disgust and turned to look at me, "they'd parcel us off to Ranchi in the blink of an eye. Do you want that?"

-Edit: I believe you want him to say, “We have to tell someone about this!” instead, otherwise her calling him crazy doesn’t make sense since he’s saying the same thing she is.

"Because I got that piercing done in a dare, and the dare was given by my crush. Her name was Anya. That's all I have left of her now." I explained.

-Personal: I think his response should be a bit more restrained. Like, he mumbles or feels uncomfortable being so open with her (since he hasn’t been very open with her in the past). There should just be a bit more resistance from him here, I feel.

"Act like each other, till we figure out a way out of this mess."

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

It has finally happened! Ha-ha. Awesome little swap scene there; I thought the paper storm was pretty neat. Perhaps afterwards, though, you should drag the transition out a bit longer. Like, he looks around and everything’s normal, then describe what everyone’s doing, toss in a bit of description of the office (remember to incorporate all five senses) and then reveal the swapped business. Just to create a stronger shock effect, you know? Other than that, another great chapter.
lianoid chapter 7 . 12/22/2010
Sara picked me up in a car, around 3pm that afternoon.

-Edit: Since you say PM, I don’t think you need to include “afternoon” as well.

Since this magazine would be written mostly by student going to school, we were given the evening shifts and had to work half a day every Saturday.

-Edit: I believe “student” should be “students”.

She was dressed in a pleated skirt, and a formal shirt.

-Edit: Comma in this sentence not necessary.

The driver picked up the speed, and drove us through the streets of Kolkata to our office.

-Personal: I would remove “the” from before “speed”.

"It does not mean we belong to the same cult or something…" she tried to justify herself.

-XDXDXD That’s so hilarious. Ha-ha.

"Hmm," I agreed surveying the place with a critical eye.

-Edit: Comma after “agreed” I believe.

Two more teenagers were already there too.

-Edit: Remove “too”.

One of them, I recognized to be Sattwick.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

...who looked like one of those high fashioniestas or whatever it is that they are called.

-Personal: I would remove “that”.

She had long black hair, and wore designer clothes.

-Edit: Comma not necessary.

"Whatever, nerd girl." Swastika said, arrogantly.

-Edit: Remove “arrogantly” since it’s clear from her dialogue she is. Hilariously so, I might add. Ha-ha.

“your assignment today is to, name your column, and decide at two topics that you will write about.”

-Edit: Commas not necessary.

All right, another fun chapter. Your descriptions were placed perfectly, but I think I would have like them to be a bit smoother. I just think you could handle the descriptions of their clothes and physical features in a much subtler way. Like when someone moves, perhaps describe them shuffling their feet (here you could describe what sort of shoes they’re wearing), or when Fashion Queen flicks her hair back (are her nails painted?). Think of the tiny details and try to incorporate them in natural, non-intrusive ways. On a brighter note, I liked how you introduced us to so many new characters but it didn’t get confusing. I think you defined each new person really well, which made following the dialogue and scene quite easy and enjoyable. Excellent stuff.
lianoid chapter 6 . 12/22/2010
So Sara took me to a Coffee shop not far from the office.

-Edit: "Coffee" doesn't need to capitalized here unless you're providing a specific name.

It was the guitar displayed in the window that made me want to check that place out.

-Personal: I would change "that" to "the" I might even revise to read, " check out the place."

"Are you crazy?" she asked me rhetorically. "I'm not letting you out of my sight. Parents' orders! You could get lost. This is an unknown city for you."

-Personal: I would remove the dialogue tag since adding "rhetorically" doesn't add to the effect of her question, I feel.

"Well you're just going to have to do it, with me breathing down your neck!" she was equally determined.

-Edit: Comma not necessary in this sentence and change "she was" to "She was".

"Fine then, come with me." I gave in, "And just don't ask stupid questions about the guitar. In fact, don't open your mouth at all. You're a royal pain…"

-Edit: The comma after "in" should be a period.

I pushed open the door, and entered the dimly lit shop.

-Edit: Comma in this sentence not necessary.

The entire room had been jammed with very ancient junks.

-Edit: "ancient" suffices, you don't need "very" before it, I feel.

"I told you to go order coffee," I snapped back. "This is what happens when you don't listen to me, Sara."

-Personal: I would remove "back" since she hadn't snapped before, she whispered.

"Oh yeah, and then you'd have lost your way and Lillian Aunty and dad would've been at my throat all the darn time, asking me a zillion times if I'd seen you, what were you wearing, and why o why hadn't I kept an eye on you!" she volleyed back.

-Edit: I believe "why o why" should be "why oh why" and I would remove the dialogue tag since I thing her dialogue is strong enough without it.

"Right," I replied, sarcastically. "Because I'd have lost my way right next door, is it?"

-Personal: Again, I don't feel this dialogue tag is necessary. I can feel his tone through his dialogue in this case, so the dialogue tag doesn't add anything to it. Also, I would tone down the variety of your tags because they detract from the flow. Dialogue tags aren't supposed to do that; they're not supposed to slow the reader down, distract them or stand out. Simply using "said" more often, or no dialogue tags at all, actually, works really, really well. :)

I smirked a little, "You knock poor people, their glasses and their things over!"

-Edit: Comma after "little" should be a period.

"Oh what the f!" she swore, "Did you have to remind me of the perfectly embarrassing moment of my life?"

-Edit: Capitalize "f" here and I don't feel your dialogue tag is necessary; it's obvious she just swore. Ha-ha.

"Oh, and it took you this long to figure it out?" I spat, "my life isn't perfect, Princess. So you don't get any of it."

-Edit?: "I spat" feels like the dialogue tag for the previous stream of dialogue, so I would change the comma after it to a period. If you do that, capitalize "my".

She rolled her eyes, "And you think my life is perfect? You've got to be kidding me.

-Edit: The comma after "eyes" should be a period since it's not a dialogue tag. This will be the last dialogue/dialogue tag punctuation error I point out. If you have any questions about it, or need me to clarify something, feel free to PM me. :)

She looked mysterious to me.

-I don't like this sentence. D: I think you could convey the woman's mysterious air much better than that. This is too blatant. Describe her scent, her body language, a bit more about her clothing. Carefully let us know she's mysterious, don't tell us straight up like that. Or, at least, that's how I feel.

The woman glanced over at the counter and said:

"I'll give to you for free," I frowned at her, wondering whether she was teasing me. I discovered from her super serious face that she wasn't. "You do something, that'll make me respect you; I'll give it to you for free."

-Edit: The first line should be on the same line as the second line with the dialogue. I also think you could rewrite “super serious” in a much better way. It’s somewhat comical, actually, and since she’s supposed to be looking serious right now, the fact that I find the description comical detracts from the moment.

She looked at Sara now, and said. "And I'll give you the finest set you've ever seen. If only you learn to see beyond what only the eye can see."

-Edit: Comma after “now” not necessary and the period after “said” should be a comma.

Sara let out a laugh.

-Personal: I would revise this to read simply, “Sara laughed.”

They were made of metal, and had a place with something inscribe on them which I couldn't understand: SLOUSTERCES

-Intriguing! I like this!

She came from behind her desk, and fastened one of the bracelets onto Sara's wrist first.

-Edit: Comma not necessary and I feel “onto” should be “around”.

"What was your life in Pondicherry like?" Sara asked me, as we sipped out smoothies.

-Personal: I would remove “me”.

"Normal," I answered.

-Personal: I would remove the dialogue tag.

Sara leaned back in her seat, and slumped a bit, "Isn't there anyway I could make you talk about that place?"

-Edit: Comma after “bit” should be a period and I feel “anyway” should be two words in this case.

Nice ending. I like this final scene because I can see their relationship growing from here; they’re sharing small bits about themselves with one another and I think it’s a great way to develop their relationship and further characterize them. I could have used a bit more description regarding the surroundings and transitions, but that can always be tossed in a bit later. :) Another fun chapter; excellent stuff! :D
A Kiss in the Dreamhouse chapter 9 . 12/22/2010
"Because, because you told me to stop crying because people would think you're a whimp," she sniffed, "not because you feel bad to see me crying."

Aw that line really got me! Poor Sara...

Short chapter, but actually really good!

Don't worry, I definitely plan on reading the rest of this, but I have to go prepare for an interview today :(
A Kiss in the Dreamhouse chapter 8 . 12/22/2010
OMG they finally swapped! What I find even more hilarious is that they still argue with each other even after this mess. Liked the details about the desk-sharing too. Can't wait to see how they act in front of everyone else lol.
Racer283 chapter 15 . 12/22/2010
Pretty good chapter can't wait to see what all happens in the next chapter and see how long they will be swapped. It will also be interesting to see what the seguel will be like. Keep up the good work.
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