|Reviews for Coming Undone|
| Andy.T chapter 10 . 2/25/2013
... I'm in love.
This story has so many possible ways to discribe it, but all I can really get out is: asdfghjkl;
Its a shame you haven't updated in a while though... I would really love to see what happens next!
| DawnSister chapter 10 . 1/15/2012
I just read this and thought I would let you know that I enjoyed it. I see you haven't updated in a while but I hope you will update because I would like to see what happens to Liam and Marcus.
The story seems to be well thought out it would be a shame for you not to continue it. The characters appear to have depth that only comes from a lot of thought and probably notes to go with them.
Thanks for sharing so far though,
| marquisvincent chapter 10 . 1/6/2012
This story is absolutely phenomenal. Your style of writing is so intense, and you write in such a relatable fashion. The way you go into such vivid description gives me the impression that I am actually there watching the story unfold. I am in love with Marcus. He is such a mysterious human being. Liam is great too. I love how Liam is trying to be the hero and Marcus is the "damsel" in distress. The story flows so beautifully together. I am so in love with this story, please don't ever stop writing this. This is amazing. What I love about it, is how it is so unbelievably real. Maybe I'm speaking from a personal stand point, but that's what good stories do, make it personal. Great job Jon! I am in love.
| marquisvincent chapter 2 . 1/6/2012
This chapter was also amazing. I love the back story and I somewhat feel the pain of the narrator and his mother. It's sad to see how his mother copes with things, but relatable. That is how I cope with deaths in my family as well. Even though it is extremely unhealthy. The description of the house gives the story so much personality. I am in love with this story so far Keep up the amazing work.
| marquisvincent chapter 1 . 1/6/2012
Wow this was absolutely amazing Jon. I am in love with your detail and how well you describe everything. I am in love with the description of . I think it is very cute how he has some type of crush/feels the need to impress her. His infatuation with Marcus takes me back to my very first crush back in middle school. I like he feels he should tell his friend Gina, but at the same time he is a bit skeptical so he keeps it to himself. I found this very realistic.
| Le-Lazy-Authoress chapter 10 . 11/22/2011
I've just started reading this story. I love it. And don't worry about typing so fast that you get mistakes. Happens to me, too. Oooh, Liam's getting into some deep water.
'I'll figure it out!'
I wonder what he'll do. Maybe he'll make up some random girl. I don't know. Update as soon as you can!
| mousegirl05 chapter 10 . 10/25/2011
Ah, yes, I am enjoying this story very much and can’t wait to see where it goes. The flow is great and the pacing works; I find myself a little disappointed that the chapters are so short because I want so much more! *laughs* I thought the scene with his mother post-fight was great. Seeing her step up and act like a truly concerned mother was fabulous when I was afraid she had entirely become a detached TV-junkie. I like her very much.
I did note an occasional typo that popped up here and there (beyond the ‘thru’ I already harped on XD). In general though I don’t think that there’s anything that a quick beta wouldn’t fix for you, just simple things like ‘a’ for ‘I’ and things like that. _ Believe me, too many grammar and spelling issues become grating deal-breakers for me, so… I’m rambling. Sorry.
The following line was FILLED with 'win': 'I had now become a pawn in my own game, a tool of my own making'. Awesome, plain and simple.
So as I read this chapter I began to think that in Chapter Four (The Fight) that you had used ‘Gina’ and ‘Holly’ as interchangeable because I didn’t remember Holly being either at lunch or near the quad. However, I did go to check my assumptions, and I was clearly wrong and must have gotten the impression because a little description of Gina was thrown in there in the middle and then I sorta lost who was actually present. However, what I’m thinking this is a sign of is that perhaps you need to focus a little more on secondary characters. Right now, Liam and even Marcus are becoming wonderfully fleshed out: they both feel real. On the other hand, most of the other characters feel a little flat. Clearly defining and KNOWING secondary characters can take good work and rocket it into GREAT work… or at least work far richer and more engaging and believable to read. Of course, perhaps you intend this close focus on Liam especially due to his recent musings about whether it’s him that has pushed his friends away. That would be an excellent rationale for why they feel ‘flat’ to the reader: they are ‘flat’ to Liam. So as they get closer again, the friends would need to gain that third dimention. _~
And whooooeee. He is digging himself a rather deep hole, isn’t he? I am both apprehensive and excited to see where it leads. I’ll be back to catch more when you put it up. Cheers!
P.S. If my critiques are annoying just say the word and I promise I’ll only gush about the good things.
| mousegirl05 chapter 5 . 10/25/2011
Thata boy, Liam. _~ (Poor things)
| mousegirl05 chapter 3 . 10/25/2011
So I’m one of those terribly annoying reviewers that say exactly what comes to mind, generally as it comes to mind. I hope you’ll excuse me in advance. I’m also a little bit nit-picky. So I whole-heartedly encourage you to take the good things I say and enjoy them while tossing my critiquing out with the rubbish, though my intent is to be helpful. After all, some of my harshest comments have driven the most drastic improvements in my own writing. There, disclaimer finished; onwards!
'Thru' is text-speech. When used in any form of serious literature (which every indication of your work seems to suggest you’re aiming for), implies so much more than 'going in or starting at one side and coming out or stopping at the other side of'. It also means 'I don't really know/care about the craft I'm attempting to engage in'. Using 'thru' ranks right up there with 'ur' for 'your' and/or 'you're'. Fortunately the word 'through' means the former definition without the eye-twitch inducing connotations of the latter.
You're really good with atmosphere-building a scene before plunging on with dialogue or exposition. (For example, the incense and lamps in Liam's room in this chapter.) Nice.
Ah, so there's the confirmation that Liam is just toying. However, the build-up and his thoughts about things like '[Marcus] coughing in… sophomore year' suggest there's more motivation than even Liam is aware of-which makes his actions potentially redeemable-and definitely something that must be read further into. Webs that are clearly going to be tangled are engaging. At this point, I am curious what made Liam choose Marcus as his 'target'. I mean, it's clear that he has a certain level of admiration/respect for him, and certainly he MUST have considered, at least in a flicker of thought, what might happen if it came out what he'd done?
| mousegirl05 chapter 1 . 10/25/2011
Wow! Intriguing beginning, and you get bonus points for staging it in Minnesota. The line about the bitter winds and chill-anyone who's gone through a mid-west winter knows exactly what you're about and you've managed to load up on imagery with a relatively simple sentence. Your flow and word choice is engaging.
What I like the best is the question I'm left with about Liam. He says he tries to be nice to everyone, but then there's this secret admirer thing that he's touting that the reader isn't (or maybe just I'm not) quite sure if it's 'real' or if it's just 'research'. The former falling firmly into the category of flirtatious and fun, the latter, potentially cruel. These two options fairly compel further reading, if only to find out if Liam is dangerously deluded about himself or if he's really into this Marcus.
| Guest chapter 10 . 8/30/2011
It's good:) update soon
| TheImmortal Frost chapter 10 . 8/24/2011
oooo! this is getting good!
| AurorA-Kojima chapter 10 . 8/24/2011
| Rae Kitano chapter 10 . 8/24/2011
Great chapter. I really enjoyed it.
| Boosher chapter 10 . 8/23/2011
Loved the chapter! Liam is so freaking cute! Either you didnt have any mistakes or inwas so engrossed in reading that I didn't even notice! Please update again soon!
Loving the quick updates, by the way!