Reviews for Sin
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 12/28/2010
Prologue: I both like and dislike your opening here. On the one hand I like it because it sets up the story that’s to come and it gives as further explanation of the setting and so on. I didn’t like it because I thought detail-wise and narrationally it wasn’t as strong as the rest of the piece, so it was hard for me to get into the story as it were (from the beginning) because of it. I think if you go over it a few times and sharpen a few things up it will improve a lot though.

Setting: One of the things that I immediately loved about this work was your setting, and the way that you described it. I’m in love with the “metal forest (where she prepares tea)” that name “Metal Forest” is so strong to me and triggers automatic interest in my mind, but I wish that you had expanded on it more. I’m the kind of reader who wants to know everything about everything, especially in stories like these, so it’s hard for me because I want to know more – why is a metal forest – who is it for ext. Another powerful but slightly unexplained aspect with ‘the city’ again I’m intrigued by the idea, but I want to know more. And I’m aware of the word limit so I understand why you didn’t go into too much detail on that end.

Characterization: I adored your female – here is the type of instance when you don’t want to spend a lot of time going into her eyes/hair/facial expression, and for the most part you didn’t do that – although you did emphasize the unique and euphonious aspects of her which I enjoyed. Your male seemed rather allusive to me though, I didn’t quite get the gist of his ‘mission’ and why he was after her – although I assume it’s due to religious genocide, he seemed very guarded though, I feel like I’m not entirely sure why he did the things he did or what some of his motivation was, although he was the villain of the piece so it might just be that in feeling so strongly about the female character, I naturally dislike him.

“He found her again, a year of searching later.” This is the only technical aspect that stood out to me. I feel like the YEAR aspect is important, but it might sound better if it were: “After a year of searching, he found her again…” it’s the use of later that seems out of place – maybe too modern in the context.

The ending of the piece was probably my favorite – I loved the power that she had over him, and eventually the rest of the people, and even though she SEEMS evil at the end, I didn’t get that overwhelming impression when I read it. I got more of a revenge/serves you right angle to it rather than poor town’s people, and so on. The only thing about the ending that confused me, and maybe it’s just me but: “They reach out to touch their neck. They do not fear.” Who is the ‘They?’ but I might have been missing something. All in all, it was a wonderful piece. Congrats on winning WCC, and keep up the good work.

Much love,

KODOKU TSURUGI chapter 1 . 12/22/2010
-The opening drew me into your story. The way you described the setting seemed very colorful in description.

-The way you wrote was balanced. Not too descriptive, not too plain and simple.

-As I read it down to the last part, I fairly enjoyed this piece. The story emitted this mysterious, sinister aura.

-I like the part where you described the leaves the color of twisted copper. The dialogue was beautifully written

Congratulations on your win this month! Sorry if this isn’t the best review you’ve seen because I'm not used to doing this. :))
Narq chapter 1 . 12/15/2010
It was dangerous, for temptation always eventually took those

- Consider short sentences here because you've got long(ish) sentences for the rest of the para. eg. "it was dangerious. Temptation..."

It was a fate chosen only by the young, for only youth can believe that it can do no wrong, that it is immortal.

- an interesting but true theory. I think though why use "it"? I thought you were talking about 'men" so why not 'they'?

She did not wear shoes, and he recalled how only fools went barefoot, and pitied her, for fools should always be pitied.

- I like this train of thought, but, I realised also that you've alreayd use the setnece structure of "for" quite a few times. (To point out, this one, and " dangerous, for temptation", "the young, for only youth" - they're in close proximity so you might want to see if you can jiggle it around it a bit).

He was so taken aback that he could not refuse.

- I like how it feels like he's been taken control of already!

He could not resist cupful after cupful

- ditto above comment. I'm feel a bit concerned for this guy!

He was enthralled.

- almost not needed, because like I said before this, it alreayd feels like he's entralled/entrapted. however, you could consider showing it? eg, the notes sung him a lullaby, swinging him back in his mother's womb?

It is there they forget that fools should be pitied, not exalted.

- love this echoe back to the begining of the story!

Opening: I liked the opening. The small para felt almost like a prologue, and it led in nicely as to what the guy could be doing (I suppose he IS doing it) and what the girl is!

Ending: Sadly, it isn’t 100% with me. But I still enjoyed it because I like a small twist at the end. The ending is a bit scary, and a bit confusing, but I always try not to think too much about scary stories so that might just me my fault.

Dialogue: Very well done because they really livened up the characters and the plot. In short, they made everything a lot more real.

Characters: Well, the male character was certainly very 3D, it’s the girl/fox woman that I’m worried about. She seems to accept him, and he treats her well and takes her to his home, and she even protects him from scorn from the other villagers, but then she suddenly turns traitor?

A thousand congratulations on the WCC! :D
Loss of Words chapter 1 . 12/14/2010
I read this piece, and was absolutely moved by it. Goosebumps ran up my spine and I could smell the fear and the lust and the temptation of all that is unholy and yet delicious.

I also caught that repetition of previous lines at the end. I noticed, though, that you left one line out: "he withdraws." Was that intentional?
Adrenalin chapter 1 . 12/12/2010
I liked the introduction and the way it conveyed a sense of doom for the character introduced right after. I got the feeling that, more than horror, this story read like a tragedy because of the inescapable "fall" of those who chose to keep sin away.

"for temptation always eventually took those"

I think the 'always' is unnecessary here.

Is the sin you're portraying a specific one (lust would fit really well there) or a general one?

I love your writing style too. It's not too flowery and I'm always more attracted to straight, forward narration rather than circomvoluted ones. It also goes for the stories, and, while yours use symbolism, I didn't feel lost or puzzled by vagueness. I wondered to what the "they" in the very last sentence referred though.

Good job & good luck in the WCC :)
lianoid chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
Killer first line! Definitely caught my interest with words like, "flawed, dark, sinister and demons."

Interesting first image here in the second part with the metal forest. Your opening, by the way, was wonderfully written. Set the tone quite nicely as it gently led me into the story.

Her hair was long and dark and wild and matched the tilt of her auburn eyes, all abandon and freedom and wicked.

-I love this description. Oh, man. So good.

Leaves crumpled and crinkled under his boots, the color of twisted copper.

-Nice; incorporating those leaves from the prompt. Love it.

His eyes remained vigilant in the darkness, and he mused that light reflected in his eyes the same strange way they would do with wolves.

-Edit: You can remove "do" from before "with" and the sentence would still read properly.

She laughs like a jackal and dances like a crow; she flickers in the light,

-Ugh, this is ridiculously beautiful. Like, this entire piece is really pretty awesome. Your descriptions are so beautiful and skillfully written.

It is then they begin to fall. It is there they forget that fools should be pitied, not exalted. This is how they forget that one must never fall asleep in the presence of a fox.

-I love how you're tying in the earlier descriptions into the ending here. You've worked in back in seamlessly and it the effect is magnificent.

Totally agree with Oogle and Sir here. This piece was hypnotic and your symbolism really fortified the piece. Excellent, excellent work this round and best of luck in this final WCC of 2010!
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
This was absolutely hypnotizing. I liked how you recalled the legend at the beginning. It gave me a sense of this world, even though I only glimpsed a part of it.

The imagery reminded me of nature and the forest, all of it. It was like a fairytale, or a cautionary tale. It was all so fresh and vivid, especially when you used alliteration ("Leaves crumpled and crinkled under his boots, the color of twisted copper.) and run on sort of lists ("all abandon and freedom and wicked"). It made me feel like I was sitting around the fireplace hearing an old relative recount the stories of times past, ha. Very clever and entertaining.

Magic piece you have here. Good job and good luck in WCC!
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
This was a very different approach to writing, and I found that I actually liked it. Your use of symbolism and word-play throughout the piece were great, and I loved the simile you used. The only thing I have in the area of critique is the verb-tense shift towards the end. I understood what you were aiming for, but I’m not sure that it worked as well as you would have liked.
Frap chapter 1 . 12/2/2010
This was so well done, I have no idea where to freakin begin. I can see that you have what it takes to be a hell of a writer, whether you major in music or not.

I ran across this because I was looking about this site to see what others wrote here and hell you got me thinking I should be grateful no one has reviewed me.

This story pulled me in and kept me on my toes. The imagery and descriptions were fantastic. It gave me damn goosebumps to read and that ain't easy. I'm not the best writer, hell I'm not the worst but if I actually entered this contest that you submitted this for, the others would simply write in my review 'Laughable'.

Chica this was an awesome read and I have to say hands down, that if those others who have said they are entering are not half as good as you they need to close the competition and award you the damn win. This was great!

I hate to leave those damn cheesy messages too, so I'm rolling my eyes at you for bringing this much emotion out. Good luck on your landslide win. Frap.