|Reviews for Once upon a Cloak|
| Reader chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
Hold on, I can't breathe.
| Reader chapter 1 . 5/28/2012
This is such a silly, light-hearted read: certainly the perfect pick-me-up after a tiring day. It's charming and hilarious. I loved every bit of it. Granny Fanny is indeed awesome, haha!
| Robin Leigh chapter 1 . 4/8/2011
Pretty cool! It could do a bit of work on the rather cliched lines, but otherwise it's the most humorous story I've read in a while. :)
| StoryMonster chapter 1 . 3/2/2011
This was funny!
You started out funnily and ended funnily too.
It was cool! I liked the line about Leo, and the first line was HILARIOUS.
PS. Could you please return this review via Yours Truly an Indian Pessimist? Be sure to check out my Author's Note at the end! Thanks!
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 1 . 12/29/2010
This was very funny and very entertaining. I wish I had the guts to run after a homeless guy adn whack him to get a cloak, but that would take a lot of effort. I think some people would be screaming and running in the opposite direction. Good job though!
~Blood of the Innocent
| Nenphis chapter 1 . 12/14/2010
awesome! simply purely awesome! i loved it to bits!
but ..(i have to) how did the hobo get in?
the thing is the plot is original and u explained it quite well but there some details that need to be explained, i think most of us that read this story end up laughing and smilling but then puzzled by these questions
or maybe this was your intention all along, then i am sorry
other than that, the countdown was a good ideea and all the crazy things like the curses, granny fanny fit well together in a neat humorous story, easy to read and enjoy
| thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 12/14/2010
This is too cute :D Hilarious as well, actually laughed out loud at this one! So great work (:
| Danielle Gin chapter 1 . 12/13/2010
You had some unneeded descriptions, such as "to his tongue" when narratiting the homeless man licking his beard. This phrase is not nessecary because, well, how else would he taste something if not by his tongue? Another phrase would be "human being." Who else would be noting her distressed state? Human beings are implied.
Additionally, the phrase "possibly homosexual hobo" should be revised. Since this is a man wearing womens clothes, you could call him a transvestite. By wearing womens clothes he isn't nessecarily a homosexual.
You have a tendancy to tell the reader what's happening as opposed to showing the reader. An example of this is when the narrator things, "I'm pretty awesome too!" Instead of her telling the reader that she's awesome, why not show the reader? Give some scenes of her awesomeness. Maybe she hangs her clothes out to dry on a line rather than use a clothes dryer. Maybe she sky dives? Perhaps she is a world class spelling bee champ? By showing me how she's awesome. I can get a much better sense of her character, what makes her unique, and, in turn, awesome.
All in all, this is a quirky story. You've got the base of a super cute character. But over all this story feels under developed. I suggest perhaps throwing in a couple of obsticles, twists, turns, and maybe getting to know the hobo a bit better. After all, every hero needs a villian. But then again, maybe the hobo isn't the villian? Maybe the villian is life's circumstances. After all, what led the hobo to Granny Fanny's abandoned home? Why is he homeless? By answering these questions, you'll develop your story, which will make it stronger, and make you a more mature writer. But don't worry! Being a mature writer doesn't mean you can't write comedy. It just means you can write comedy professionally!
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
Hello sorry for taking so long to repay you, but school work and story ideas has been kicking me in the butt lately .
Now on to your one shot :) I find it funny, I never see a girl act that way about anything, "Oh my leaping bananas"? I really never heard that phase o.o how different :) I really enjoyed your one-shot because it wasn't to long and not to short.
Wonderful job :) Since I still own you three more reviews, get ready for three more alerts in your inbox :P
See you again real soon!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
Haha, loved the humorous and modern take on the prompt. What with all the more legendary pieces, this is somewhat of a breath of fresh air. I like how you included the narrator's little jokes and descriptions in there. Pretty funny.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| seredemia chapter 1 . 12/9/2010
'I am running after an old homeless man wearing my granny's clothes.'
- Haha! So random! I wonder what in the world is going on...
'My grandmother, Granny Fanny, is kick ass.'
- I LOLed at the gran's name... Not only does it rhyme, but... well, the meaning of her name is highly amusing. *cough* fanny *cough*
'I am determined. I am a warrior. I am a Leo. Fear my sharp lion-ish claws.'
- I love how random this character is... It really amuses me :D
...Is she going to hit him with the baseball bat or something..? O_O
I love the countdown! It increases the tension is a humorous way. I can tell something unextec is going to happen at the end... I think.
This has got to be the most random story I have ever read. I loved the mood throughout the story! Its just the type of story that puts you in a good, carefree mood! I loved readin this :D
| KODOKU TSURUGI chapter 1 . 12/7/2010
This story is really funny! You put a creative way into creating such a hilarious story! Good luck for the WCC, Amethyst :D
| Narq chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
Lol. This is kinda funny, but kinda chilling, too. Coz you wonder if the girl is actually okay in the head but then you can't help but like her.
Good luck for the WCC!
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
Haha, I Loved this. I really loved the narrator and the sense of humour she possessed, and I also loved the countdown at the end. This was a very fun piece to read, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. You described everything perfectly && I'm glad Granny Fanny (that's really catchy ... ) will get her beloved blanket back! :D Good luck to you for the WCC !
| guppylove chapter 1 . 12/6/2010
Hilarious. Barney - the dinosaur sensation! Heh! This was a fun read.