|Reviews for TWISTED|
| RisanF chapter 1 . 11/26/2012
I heard you return reviews, so I decided to drop you a line. It looks like you're really serious about this story, since you've got it published in print.
Very good so far. Your main character has a nice moody, misunderstood teen thing goin' on (kinda like Ichigo from the Bleach anime) So far, Kylie is the standout character in the supporting cast, but I wonder which character will take center stage in the upcoming chapters. I also wonder what role the father's going to play; the poor guy lost all his fingers on his right hand. So far, Cayden's supernatural powers haven't played much of a role in the proceedings, but I'm sure that will change later on.
(could you take a look at my story "Rematch!" I'd really appreciate it)
| xasonous chapter 18 . 6/5/2012
i really liked your story!the plot was nice and i loved the characters! it's the first one that i liked so far in fiction press:P
| TheOneLoneWolf chapter 1 . 9/7/2011
Well done on this story man.
Usually the whole superman in the modern world thing is not something I really get into but for some reason I found myself just really enjoying where you went with this. Granted I think the plot was fairly easy to predict and Cayden's personality at times seemed a bit inconsistent but all in all I think this is one of the better stories I've read on this site so far.
On the plus side I think you did an excellent job of building up Cam and Cayden's characters and giving them a relationship that essentially drove the story forward. Even lesser characters like Kylie, Dayna, and Nate seemed fairly complete in and of themselves. Quite possibly this attention to the characters and the strength of the conversations they had were the strongest parts of your story for me.
Grammar was an extremely minor issue for me so I'm not sure why your other reviews seem to focus on that so much. Half the time I didn't even notice the occasional mistakes that found their way in there.
On the negative side I think the way the characters behaved at certain points in the story is unrealistic. For instance, both Cam and Kylie take Cayden's confession EXTREMELY well. In both cases he confided in someone who deeply cared about him but I don't think finding out your best friend is a "superhero" is something you can process and be cool with in five minutes, even for high school students. Also, I don't think Deryck and his cronies had any need or inclination to wait even half as long as they did to strike, especially given that Deryck's intentions were fairly obvious from when he was introduced. I understand how you were trying to work the spacing for the climax, but these things just stood out as off notes to me in an otherwise melodious tale.
Honestly the only other real concern I had with this story was its extremely light plot. You obviously have some real skill at writing, it just seems like there are points in the story where I can see (very accurately) where you mean to go too long before you get there. Examples of this are when Cayden meets Deryck (he somehow doesn't connect him to the impression he had at the football game and even worse, fails to read the obvious signs that Deryck is hunting not socializing), when Cam first gives her opinion of Dayna (it seems clear it will be a Ross/Rachael(C)Friends relationship between the two main characters until the end of the book) and worst -spoiler- when Deryck isolates the brothers and Cayden in the same conversation and none of them suspect anything at all. I'm a big fan of foreshadowing, I just think maybe it was used a bit too much here when the reader reaches the characters' conclusions ten chapters before they do.
As I said though all in all I think you are a talented writer and this book was worth reading. Don't know if I'll follow into the sequels (personal thing-I hate when the characters backslide from their previous progress and they almost always do in sequels) but I thought this story concluded itself neatly with very few loose ends. Stay focused on the setting and the characters and I think this could be the beginning of something very promising for you.
| Dan Gregory chapter 2 . 9/3/2011
Back again for another review. Hur, hur, hur. XD
Okay, so I read chapter 2. There are still the punctuation mistakes, but meh, I'll just let it go. I'll talk about the story instead. I like it when you write about how Cayden accidentally let his powers slip by pushing the Number 6 guy. That's a nice touch. For a while, I thought everyone's going to find out about his strange abilities.
The drama between him and Dayna is a little cliche, but hey, cliches can be fun. I'm okay with her in chapter one, but she kinda irks me here. Gah. She's annoying. I wish Cayden would go for Cam. She's sweet and cute! I have a soft spot for girls like that. XDD Why can't Cayden realize that he's better off with Cam instead of annoying Dayna?
Great chapter. I'll try and finish up the whole story if I can. I read pretty fast. 8DD
| Dan Gregory chapter 1 . 9/3/2011
The story intro started out nicely at first, but after that it got really bad. You've got some grammar and A LOT of punctuation mistakes. It pretty much makes your story look amateurish. The lack of proper punctuations make the characters' dialogues sound stoic, unconvincing and lifeless. And because of that, the characters seem very boring. Maybe you've already fixed this in the next chapter. I'll go read chapter two after I finish this review.
Aside that, I like the premise of the story. The plot is very interesting, it makes me wonder about Cayden's abilities and how he got them. Can't wait to see what'll happen next! Damn, I love the plot. Keep up the good work.
| Field of Sakura Blossoms chapter 18 . 1/10/2011
I really really LOVED your story!
I only found it last night and since then i have been reading it non-stop - you had me hooked from the first sentence. :)
| STEPHANE SHREK CHAREST chapter 18 . 1/6/2011
ADMIRABLE I HAVE TO SAY I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT YOU HAVE TALENT AND I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE MORE OF THESE I LIKE CAYDEN AND CAM TOGETHER THE TEMPO WAS A LITTLE SLOW AT TIMES BUT THE BUILD UP WAS FINE COULD HAVE BEEN FUN TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THE BROTHERS I HOPE TO SEE MORE STORIES ABOUT THEM
| fade it out chapter 18 . 12/7/2010
FINALLY got around to finish reading this (Finals week :( ) and I really liked it. You had a really good balance of action, dialogue and character feeling. I also liked the ending. Good job!
| fade it out chapter 3 . 12/6/2010
Pretty intruiging so far, especially with this new Deryk guy. There are a couple of typos, but nothing major. I'm excited to keep going!