|Reviews for The Tourist|
| berley chapter 1 . 12/13/2010
To be honest, I wasn’t a fan of the italicised parts of this piece. I found I kind of ignored them as I read your piece, so I think it would be better if you cut them down, or even took them out completely. Though, that was really the only thing that I didn’t like. Your descriptions were beautiful, like usual with your writing, it painted wonderful images in my head as I read on. Great job and good luck with the WCC!
| lianoid chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
It peeked out from between dark clouds and peered over her shoulder, far above, a Light friend in a town ever so Dark.
-Personal: I would place this on the same line as "The moon was out that night" because although I understand you're going for a bold effect, I think it'd work just as well with the quoted line being included on the same line as the other.
But it was unlikely that your reflection could ever look out.
-Edit: You can remove "that" from this sentence.
She knew that, before long, the angry wails would turn into much more incensed howls, howls that would signal 'game over' be she held the courage to turn around and face them.
-Edit?: I feel as though "be she" should be "should she" but I could be wrong.
I really enjoyed your descriptions throughout this piece. They were beautifully written and really set the scene nicely. I'm not, however, a fan of these italicized bits between and at the end. They don't do much for me, I'm afraid, and I think the piece would be stronger without them. They were a tad melodramatic, I find, but that, of course, is merely personal preference.
Definitely an interesting piece you have here; I especially like how we don't know the fate of Mariah. I think that made it even stronger, actually. Excellent submission and best of luck in this final WCC of 2010!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
Loved the imagery at the beginning, and throughout. It really set the suspense and the mood. This seemed like a really in-the-moment piece, where the words fell onto the page as the character thought them. Nice surprises with the gun and the whole shooting thing, btw.
It would be nice to know a little more about Mariah and why she wants to shoot the people after her, but I think this was a bit more fairytale or painting like than that, where the reader is supposed to figure it out themselves.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 12/11/2010
I was a little puzzled by this. At first I thought it was a post-apocalyptic setting, mingled with supernatural. The fact that we never see what exactly Mariah's running for certainly helps with that feeling, but also her finding a gun rather easily in San Sebastian, which would be surprising in a normal context. But when I finished reading I was less sure. "They would never bring her back to Paris" made me think that maybe she was more of a runaway trying to avoid returning to a place she hates (why?). That was a bit unclear and maybe it would have needed more clarity.
On the other hand, the piece does stand well on its own. I really liked the way you described Mariah's flight, her panic and the way she thought and reacted.
Your style is agreeable. I liked the "God. God in her eyes. God came.", first because it shows Mariah's relief at seeing the ocean perfectly, and second because it's rather poetic. Some of your sentences felt really poetic to me, and without feeling like purple prose, which I appreciated.
Good luck in the WCC :)
| Sarah A. W chapter 1 . 12/9/2010
I like how started this, it has a good start and you gave us an idea about the setting, which is good.
"Mariah knew the wind would pick up and it would begin to rain any minute.
Dry autumn leaves, carried by an invigorating breeze, danced around her feet and tried to plaster themselves to the dark fabric of her jeans― red, orange, yellow ―begging, rubbing, pleading, for attention. They danced. They sang. Orchestras made of scratching and tearing.
The moon was out that night." - I really like how you described the weather and time. I think it's important to do some descriptive writing in a story, and it is something that a lot are having problems with. But I think that what you wrote there was really good.
It's REALLY hard for me to find something that I don't like about a piece of writing. Sometimes I have to make something up just so I can say I dislike something about the writing. I guess I just love reading what you guys write here haha.
So what I also liked was when you wrote, "Mariah not only could feel the night's breeze. She could smell it as well. It was bittersweet. Salty too. It gave one the feeling of being lightheaded" - I like how you try to make the reader see, feel, smell and all that. I think I should try to improve my writing too, and start writing like that lol
But just so I make this clear, did the girl die in the end?